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Post by naima on Oct 18, 2014 10:04:17 GMT
Hi, I'm new in the forum and so thankful to have finally found a safe place to write and see I am not the only one who feels like I do and more than anything not feel I am alone in my pain and confusion.
I would love to just write down all my story (it's a very long one!) but not sure whether it is alright to do so here?
I will just start with that I am in a relationship with a person for the past twenty years, he is Mexican and I am English.I have always felt there was something wrong but never listened to my intuition which has proved many times in the past to be true, but I just put it in the back of my mind when my partner was nice to me again and began to dig a bigger and bigger hole for myself and get more and more confused and basically have never done anything for fear and rather for choosing a so called safety for myself by having a roof over my head!! Putting up with so much stuff that didn't seem right but not ever really facing the truth, that he doesn't care or maybe it is all about differences of culture and my not adapting to their way of thinking.
Is there anyone in the forum who has similar issues n their life with a Mexican partner? I would like to tell my whole story (obviously I'd have to try and make it as short as possible Ha!Ha!).
Looking forward to hearing back from you all if possible
Hugs to you all
What a great forum,wish I had found it much earlier, but still better late than never no?
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
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Post by karen on Oct 19, 2014 4:03:15 GMT
Hi Naima..I am glad you found this forum..I too am fairly new, but finding this support here has been a Godsend and believe me I needed one! I believe it is very safe here write what is in your heart, as much as you want or as little as you want. My ex-boyfriend is not Mexican..but from what I have been reading..abuse touches all kinds of cultures and ethnicity. And the experiences you are talking about, I have had with my ex. There are many common threads that all abusers seem to exhibit. I have started reading "Why Does He Do That"..by Lundy Bancroft..it was highly recommended on this site and I second that motion. I swear my ex-boyfriend could have his picture on almost every page of the book..just varying in the severity level. The feelings that you are experiencing and describing are the result of your partners "Way of THINKING"..it isn't about how he feels, it is about how he THINKS. I have had to really let this sink in. There is always this feeling in me.."If I could just make him happy, get him to see that I am really a wonderful person, appeal to his tender side then maybe he would see that he really loves me and he won't treat me so horribly anymore". MANY abusers do NOT change..they don't see any reason why they have to as they are not doing anything wrong.
I left my ex about 5 weeks ago..those feelings you are having..they are exactly how he wants you to feel. I have felt those very same feelings...I am a counselor in my job..I knew something wasn't right, I couldn't put my finger on it...so I just decided it must be me, I had to try harder and be the loving girlfriend that I had promised to be. Something is not right in your relationship and it isn't you...I hope you keep coming to this site...everyone here has been very supportive..it is safe.. and very helpful to learn about this horrible thing we all have been tormented with called Domestic Violence. We are here..I am happy to read whatever you want to write!
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janine
Member
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Post by janine on Oct 19, 2014 20:36:22 GMT
Hey naima and welcome here, If you feel comfortable sharing - please do so! Whatever feels right for YOU and only you. There is never a 'too long or too much' when we experience trauma or start our healing journey. My counselor once told me: You cannot rush your healing....give it time. Let is guide you. Do not be ashamed for needing more time. Take as long as it feels right." I think sometimes for victims of all sorts of abuse there is this pressure thought of :"gosh, why can't i JUST get over it yet....  " In reality trauma does not work like a train schedule. There are no rules as to how you should heal, how long you should be talking about what hurts etc. Hope that helped and made you feel welcome! kann shared a lot of good tips with you above and I can also second the suggestion of reading "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. If it helps, I have worked for many years with people of Mexican background and studied latin american culture in college. In your case you deal with a cultural 'machismo' on top of the regular abuse that happens in all countries and cultures. But especially in countries and cultures where there is a common double standard (different rules for men than for women) it can get very hard to find help and feel sane and understood- since the culture around you enables the abuse even more. |
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Post by naima on Oct 23, 2014 11:16:43 GMT
Thanks Kann and Janine for your lovely, kind and supportive words.Well, as you said I could write all I wanted I began to write my "story"in a word document and I am just at the beginning of my story of when I first came here to Mexico many years ago and I realize how very, very long it will be!! Imagine twenty six years!! Just feel I have to start at the beginning for it to be understood, but obviously it is going to be way too long,don't think anyone has the patience to read it all, actually it may be a good theme for a book!! Ha!Ha!! I think it will be good for me to write it all down, but definitely way too long to post here.
Thanks again and if either of you are interested I'd be more than happy to send it to you when I finally get it all down, but don't want to get on any of the other forum members nerves.
You are so right Janine when you say that dealing with the "machismo"on top of being in a culture where this sort of treatment is very normal and acceptable and therefore my friends, who are Mexican just say: "This is the way a woman has to act and is expected to put up with the "macho"ways and it is their duty to do what is expected of them, the man rules!!"Can't accept that way of thinking and my life is a misery as I have no idea what to do about it, accepting is is not an option for me!!
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 31, 2014 22:46:50 GMT
Anything that feels right and helps you heal, is OK! I myself posted a ton here many years ago and got so many kind replies. That really carried me through some rough days.
Some days it was the only thing after university classes I looked forward to- checking to see if steve or lindsey had replied, and many of the other long-term members here. We are here for anything you would like an ear for!
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Post by naima on Nov 4, 2014 11:51:22 GMT
Hello
Me again,have been checking the post as always and hoping to find the "right answer"for my situation as always, searching for someone I guess to tell me they have the right answer for me, even though I know full well it is always in the end up to me but I just can't seem to get past this stage of not being able to take that last step and whether I am making the right decision.....
Thanks Janine for your message, it sort of prompted me to write again.
I have been in a relationship with my Mexican partner for a little over twenty years now and many things have and are wrong, one of the main ones being that it is just not right in that he has always controlled me by his "macho ways"making me feel completely useless and my life pointless in so many ways. A few days ago he had a few too many drinks and I didn't want to have relations with him as his way of asking is so very belittling and makes me feel like a piece of the furniture who is just there for his "needs" I just can't turn on just when he feels like it and anyway, he got really mad and as usual he blew his top and as usual when he gets like that started offending me and insulting me in the most hurtful ways to which I have gotten used to and have never said or done anything about it in all these years. We don't talk about it at all and in a few days when he thinks i have gotten over it , he acts as if nothing had happened, no word is mentioned at all, no attempt to apologize or anything.
Let me tell you a little about his family and the situation I find myself trapped in and want out of!! I have stayed in this relationship for all these years because I have been blinded by his manipulative ways, always making me feel not good enough and would never make it on my own without him to take care of me!
His family is all broken up now through their vioelent ways of handling things, if things aren't done his way and to his liking he gets very aggressive and offensive, that is why I find it very hard to talk to him and in all these years have brushed things aside, but as we all know that's not good for any relationship. I have always felt I was living my life completely dedicated to his and his family's needs, my family in England and my children have never played a part in his life and very rarely mentioned, sometimes when they are it's in a very offensive way.
His mother has been living with us for about three years now as he decided she was to live with him and it was his responsibility to look after her, he has argued with the rest of his family and no one talks to each other any more. They even have gotten into fist fights when they last saw each other. I felt i was doing the right thing by standing by him during these hard times, it is expected of me as his "wife"to look after his mother as well!!! but then when he gets mad as he did the other day again, i get insulted and offended and told I am basically worthless. His mother has heard him yelling and offending me and says nothing at all, ever!! Last year he gave me a black eye and he never apologized even and she never even asked me about it, she pretended nothing was wrong.Our lives are so boring and we live a life of a couple the same age as his mother (87)I have noticed though, sweet as she may seem, she is very selfish in that she knows he doesn't make much money but every single day something is wrong and she wants to go to the doctor, he always takes her, her needs are always taken care of
I haven't written half or even a quarter of what I really feel or what really goes on here, it's way too complicated and would take for ever....
After a very horrible encounter with his sister the other day when I allowed her to come in and see her mother when he wasn't here, I felt sorry for the lady in a way, but then I got in a panic as I thought of what would happen if he showeed up and saw her there, so I mentioned to his sister that i thought it be better if she called him to let him know she wanted to visit her mother and would it be alright with him for her to come by etc etc....well, it was like seeing Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde, she transformed into a monster (very much like her brother has in many occasions!!) and she started yelling and screaming at me!! I ran in the house and lied down,I thought I was going to have a heart attack!!
That's when I realized how I was allowing all this, which had nothing to do with me,(even though he says it does)affect me to this point where my health was getting affected and i ended up going to the doctor for some sort of help! When I told him about it, I thought he would show some sort of concern about me, but no, he was pissed off at what she had done and come to his house when she had been banned from coming here and made another scene in front of his mother, who by the way, never batted an eye lid!!! She was completely un-affected by it all!!!A few months ago, I wasn't here thank goodness, his sister had come here to demand her share of the money that her mother had received from a settlement with yet another son (that's another story!)but basically the money was for her upkeep as she has no money at all,anyway, it all ended up in a very aggressive fist fight between brother and sister right there in front of the mother!!! She neither said nor did anything about it, it was never spoken about again, but that's why the sister wasn't allowed back here to his house!! A very messed up family as you can see!!!
I have not spoken to many people about this as I think they may think i am crazy for still being here,as you all must think, but I have no job and no money (all through my own fault I admit, for putting up with this ridiculous life and never done anything about it in all these years, from fear, from God knows what,from being brainwashed into thinking it is my duty and it's the least i can do to help, after all i have a roof over my head!!!
As I say, all these crazy things happen here and many more that I haven't mentioned, it would take a book to write them all, but my life has gone by with this crazy stuff and now I want out (finally!!) but have no idea how to broach the subject, or whether to with him as I know he will make my life a misery and my (feelings of guilt will show up as they always do and have done all my life really) while I pack up my few things and go and live with my daughter while I sort myself out one way or another!! Here in Mexico it is so hard to get a job as it's not like in the U.S or anywhere else, I can't just go and get a waitress job for example as I would anywhere else. I hate the thought of being a burden to my daughter and her family as well, but what else can I do, my only choices are that or stating here and keep putting up with this crazy life.
He, after the last round of offenses is acting as if nothing ever happened as always, this confuses me so much and I fall back into the same pattern again of also pretending nothing happened and it'd one big repetition over and over again. I know I am the only one who can make a decision, it's my life and I want to be strong and tell him, but then again I am terrified to.....maybe I should just not tell him and just leave, pack up little by little and just dissappear, but then there's this terrible feeling of guilt in doing it this way after all these years together!!!
Sorry, it was longer than I had hoped, hope someone has some friendly insight to help me get my thoughts together if you can rwad through it all..Ha! Ha!!
A big hug to you all, thanks for listening ....
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janine
Member
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Post by janine on Nov 4, 2014 17:31:24 GMT
Hey you, It is totally fine to write as much as you want to- whenever you want to. That is why we are here for. It sounds like the situation has been very unhealthy for a long time, and you are right when you say that you CAN change it-- as scary as it may seem right now. My experience is that with everything, the fear and anxiety we have before it happens (or we make it happen) is far worse, than the actual event. What you fear and think right now, may not be the real reality when it happens. As long as you keep yourself always as safe as possible. Now, I am not too familiar with the DV situation in Mexico, however since even countries like Afghanistan now have secret hidden DV shelters, I wonder if Mexico is on top of things now too, and there is a national DV hotline you can call and a shelter that could pick you up. If you need to temporarily rely on your daughter or other family members -- I assume in the UK? Then do that. I myself had to wait until my Ex almost killed me, or at least i would have lost a ton more time being abused, until i realized I had to reach out for help. My aunt helped me a great ton and she still LOVES talking about it and that i trusted her and came to her in times of need. Good people love to help. I found over time that good people actually feel good when you let them help you...so you are doing them a favor. And -- my biggest things is always: You KNOW how he is and how the life with him is. Will you spend another 10 years like the last ten years? Or...give yourself a chance to heal, seek a new job in your home country- and enjoy the rest of your life in freedom, healing, having good contact with your own kids... I understand it is not easy to leave. Leaving is not one single event, it really is a process. Often times victims of abuse have endured years of abuse- tried to escape several times, tried for years to get the abuser to seek counseling .....and finally they realized abusers never change. See if you can call a Mexican DV hotline and/or local shelter-- and contact family about arrangements such as flight tickets etc....and.....keep your passport in a safe spot- or secret hiding place. Above all, stay safe....pretend everything is ok and play the role you know best to keep him calm and not give away how you are feeling or that you are looking into leaving. Leaving the is the most dangerous time -- and you want to be far gone when he finds out you left. No phone or email left behind to get a hold of you. We had one incredible woman here months ago, who was stuck in the USA with a bad partner- and came from the UK originally. She contacted us, within one week she had rebuild contact to her parents-- who helped her wire money and get a plane ticket home....and within 8 days from first writing here she was already on an airplane home. He had no idea  Listen to your gut, seek professional help- you do not have to go through this alone. |
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Post by naima on Nov 6, 2014 1:16:09 GMT
Hi
Thanks for your answer, always feels good to hear from you and as you have had the same experience and I don't feel such a freak although I must admit sometimes
like when he's "normal" as he has been for a few days now since he's last outburst the other week, I feel sometimes that I am exaggerating in everything, it's a horrible feeling, does anyone else have that happen, is it normal or is it just me? I feel absolutely awful and so darn guilty about packing up behind his back little by little, I guess what i need is re-assurance that no matter what I am not exaggerating and my decision to leave and try and start a life for myself is the right one. Sounds stupid even asking that, obviously no one can tell me that, every situation is different, but nonetheless those are thoughts and feelings that always come up every single day. I've read other posts and some people seem to have it a lot worse than my occasional but for many years of offenses and insults, no show of any interest in my needs and my own family or my friends.
I don't think I would need to call anyone to come and get me, at least I hope not anyway,seriously there are no such shelters here in Mexico, I have known people who have suffered violent situations and when they go to put in a complaint to the local authorities all they do is take down their names and tell them they will look into it but of course they never do!! So many crimes even worse than that are never solved here.
He is not always in a bad mood or aggressive but his presence never feels right or comfortable for me if you know what I mean? I always feel he makes fun of me and being silently critical even if he doesn't say it out loud always.But I definitely don't feel he appreciates me or cares about me as all people want and need in their lives. I feel also I am being used for his purposes in that he has no one else in his family that does any taking care of his mother ever!!It is always just me, him and his mother for weeks on end and that is what I can't take anymore either, I just don't feel it is my duty in any way and now I am the one who is always in a bad mood and don't do anything willingly as I would if I was happy!!
My daughter lives with her family in Mexico about two hours away on the plane, my family (brothers) in England always say that i will never get used to living back in England even when I tell them what is going on here and how I feel, so, as you can understand I don't feel much support from them really. I would love to go back home to be honest as I don't like living here either, I feel so vulnerable with all the bad things going on here, kidnappings, murders, people dissappearing, drug trafficking etc... but no one had come out openly and said for me to go back and the'd see how they could help me get on my feet again. So, it is kind of scary and lonely for me, but yes, my daughter has told me to go there with them.
I really am worried about how I am going to get some sort of job here as that is another problem, no good jobs as here in mexico not everyone can go out and get any old job such as waitressing or work in a super market as those jobs are done by the what they call here "the lower class"yes, they are very discriminative towards their own people, those sort of jobs are paid a pittance and simply I would never even get a chance to try, it is not the way things work here, nothing like the U.S or Canada or Europe, then there's the age problem!!!
Oh well, I've rattled off for a while again, but felt that i should say what things are like here in this country and how it all makes things much more scary in every way and probably why so many stay in the situation they are in as there is no help out there once you're on your own.
Still, haven't stopped packing up my things little by little, but would really love to hear if anyone has these feelings of guilt and sometimes forgetting how bad things can get when they are being nice to you, as if nothing ever happened, as my first post said, I am so confused and scared as well!!
I do listen to my gut finally and have never felt so strongly about leaving and more than anything being happy and living my life how I want to and not living my life pleasing his family and trying to make things easier for them, it is not my fault they are the way they arew right?
Take care, glad to get it off my chest at least...
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