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Post by Rory on Oct 3, 2014 16:44:44 GMT
Well, I'm at the hospital with my daughter waiting for her to be discharged. My husband called. Guess who's back in our lives? MY ex. I haven't seen him in a good 5-6 years. My 24 and 19-year olds haven't seen him in 10+ years, and my 22-year old was having visitation with him (her choice) from the time she was 10, until she was 15 and he hit her in the face. She's refused to see him since. Anyway, he called my husband and told him that his 97-year old grandmother is dying, and it's her wish to see her great-grandchildren and to and meet her great great grandchildren (My 24-yo's two kids). He said she's still very lucid, but he doctors have only given her a 4-6 weeks. It's cancer. He also threw it out there that she's leaving her great grandchildren $10,000 each. He said if we come, he can be gone if that's what we want.
So I don't know whether I should burden my kids with this, especially my 19-year old. She's been through so much already. My 22-year old lives overseas, she was always close to the extended family on her father's side, and despite how she feels about her father, I think she would be here in a heartbeat. My other two, maybe not. They don't consider my ex their dad at all, they have always called my husband Dad. This would be easy an easy choice if my ex's grandmother was an awful person, but she wasn't. She was an absolute angel, and I loved her like crazy. If what my ex is saying is true, and she only has a few weeks, I'd hate to take that from her by not even giving my girls the option. Obviously it's up to them if they actually go.
Yet I feel guilty thinking about disrupting their lives with this. And my grandkids are 6 and 3. It seems unfair to ask kids that young to go and visit their great great grandmother who they've never met, and then leave it to my daughter to have to explain to them that she's died.
And then, of course, it could be that my ex is lying, or exaggerating as a way to get me or the kids back into his life. He was a great manipulator and he's been on his own for a long time now.
I'm torn. I thought maybe someone here might have some insight on dealing with the ex's family with adult kids or when there's no visitation with the ex.
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 3, 2014 17:12:50 GMT
It does sound like it is a difficult situation- I can relate a little bit as my biological father, whom I do not consider my father at all and have not seen since I was little, often whines to my brother about wanting to see me before he dies. He is 60 and not sick though and I would not go, even if he was on his death bed as all he is asking me is to open up my arms and again, take are of HIM.
I would suggest if maybe your husband is up for it, tell those kids who know her and would WANT to see her. Let them know, let them choose and support them in their decision, whatever it is.
Maybe you can check with someone reliable to validate the story of her having only a few weeks left first, before you contact those kids that know her and would want to go?
Either way, I would suggest that you yourself only go if you have proper protection, emotionally and physically. And that maybe the hospital staff is informed about the situation and can ensure you that he is NOT there when you go visit with the kids.
I dont blame you one bit for not trusting him. The good news is, you are safe now and he has no power over you anymore. I just wonder why the grandmother herself did not call- why him? Why not someone else but him. That seems a bit odd.
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Post by Rory on Oct 4, 2014 4:35:25 GMT
Hi Janine,
That's another thing: she's not in the hospital, she's at home on hospice. She lives with her daughter (my ex's aunt), who I've met, but didn't get to know, really. So what guarantee is there that he won't show up? I could have my husband call my ex back and ask for his aunt's number, and try to verify it with her. There are other family members who I knew better, but I no longer have their numbers. I don't want to think his aunt would help him set me up, but I'm sure crazier things have happened. Also, he pursued me for a long time. When the girls were little, he used his visitation rights to try to get to me, and to control me, but when he realized it wasn't going to work--I was even using a third party to drop them off with him, so he never saw me except in court, where he'd try to stare me down--he stopped showing up to see them at all. But he'd still call and make empty threats about going for custody (after years of not seeing them!) and try to get me to meet him, as recently as 3-4 years ago.
As much as I would love to see his grandmother again, and say goodbye, I'm thinking if any of my girls want to go, I will have my husband go with them and I'll stay back. No way do I want them going alone.
Anyway, my daughter is out of the hospital and we are in a hotel for the night. Next week we will see if we can get her into a dorm and inform the campus authorities of the situation. And hopefully help her find a counselor. I'm not going to bring up her great grandmother at least until she's settled in.
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janine
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Post by janine on Oct 4, 2014 15:36:58 GMT
It sounds like you considered all possible option- and I really like how you will not tell your daughter right now about it. My biological father also never really stopped 100% to come after us- it took him a long time to realize my mother was not going to play along with his games anymore. He would call drunk and hang up or play her favorite song without saying a word- very, very sick stuff. I can only imagine how glad you were when finally a few years passed without your Ex always being the annoying thing that popped up here and there. If your kids choose to go, send your husband. I would not advise you to go and see their grandmother if she is at home and there is no way to ensure your safety really. It is sad when people die, but then again I wonder if you all have not seen her in so long, maybe you can say goodbye in your own way, visiting a pastor at your local church instead and talk to him for example. Pastoral counseling can help to deal with death. If she is able enough to still tell her son, your Ex husband, that she wants to see you, I wonder why they did not let her call you or the kids. If she is home for hospice care they have to have a professional nurse come check in at least once a day- if not more I believe. Maybe you guys can ask the aunt - or your husband calls him back and asks for the number of the nurse- so that your husband and the kids only go when the nurse is there. And the last thing you want for your daughter now is to have her abusive father back in her life, while she is dealing with an abusive relationships herself. I often wished I had a big, dangerous dog to bring with me everywhere, especially when I was close to accidentally running into my father or worried he would show up. Boy would that feel good  Nobody gets hurt but the protection is there. Let us know how it turned out- we are here. |
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Post by Rory on Oct 4, 2014 21:01:04 GMT
Sorry, it's my ex's grandmother (my kids' great grandmother), not his mother. If it was his mother, I wouldn't even consider asking my kids to go. She made my ex look sane. Anyway, I have no idea why his grandmother didn't call herself, but I'd bet anything my ex volunteered to do it for her. She never knew what all went on between us, so maybe she thought he and I were on friendly terms or something. So my husband called the ex's aunt back and she verified everything my ex said. She said she'd call back when the nurse gets there this evening, so my husband could speak with her as well.
Anyway, I'm definitely not going to go. I'm not going to give him any more reason to show up. I talked to my 24 year old, and she said she'll go, but she's not sure about bringing the kids. My son-in-law said it's up to her, but he thinks my daughter isn't giving the kids enough credit. He thinks they'll be okay, and he pointed out, how many people get to have a picture taken with their great GREAT grandmother, and to sit down and talk with her? Not many. I get that. I'll call my 22-year old if the nurse backs up the story as well. I'm pretty certain she'll come.
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Nobody gets hurt but the protection is there.