Post by A on Oct 1, 2014 23:17:37 GMT
Hey everyone, wanted to say thank you for the posts and things. Everything still stands the same, I've been having some vent sessions to myself by writing my feelings down. I used to do it all the time. But I have vented tonight and I just wanted to share it with you all. It's quite long but it may relate to some people. I hope you'll see your not the only one and their is help. This is just a few words from my heart right now.
"I sit back and think "why did that even happen to me, like what did I do" and I know deep down, I never did shit. I know deep down I was the girl which I was made to be, I was shaped into this women which never felt like me, shaped into someone that became ignorant to those she loved most, became a person who wasn't talkative to everyone, even though deep down inside I was screaming to speak out. But I've realised, after years later it was you, you wanted to be this player that everyone rated and me? I was never thought about when you did that crazy shit. Even though, I should of been your first thought. I should of been the person you think about and said "No, I can't do that to her" .. if you would of said that to yourself, half the shit that has happened probably never would of. I get you was young, you wanted to live life in the way you thought was right with your friends, but if that was the case you should of let me go and given me a chance to live my life, not in the same way though. If you wanted to be a player, and act like you got it you should of never asked me if you could commit to me. We was both so young, 15. Practically still baby's. Your intentions we're to have me and others. Whilst I didn't have any, I was just gassed that a boy even liked me. The boy that everyone spoke about in school, chose me. But in reality I was one of many. Sometimes I wanna go back to them times and change certain things, maybe then it wouldn't be how it is now. I know it ain't my fault you decided to speak/see other gal behind my back, they we're your own selfish decisions. Which unfortunately had a bigger impact on me than you think, whilst I stayed home with my life on pause, you was out living yours with the people you call your friends. I stayed home, every day and night. Thinking about how to better myself for you, but whilst I was doing that you had another girl in your arms and sight. I can't believe I'm even sat here saying this, like I tolerate it. I don't. I never have, I just give you chance after chance praying you'd prove to me you can be a better man because I love you so much, I still pray that now. But only time will tell, I won't go through another heartbreak and I know I've said it time and time again, and I've kept going back. But this time I'm for real, I'm grown now. I'm 18, I make my own money, I chase my education and if my man can't treat me right then he ain't worthy of me, my time or my love.
I conformed into this "perfect girl" the one you said I should be, I stopped going out with my friends not because I wanted too, but because you forced me. I stopped dressing in a certain way because if I shown one bit of skin you would say "why you trying to impress boys" but it's mad, because all the things you didn't want me to be and got me to stop doing, the girls you would see behind my back did all the stuff you didn't want me doing. I didn't understand it back then, but I do now. You think the violence hasn't had an impact on my life in any way, well you're wrong. It's took away me as a person, I've lost myself, and I was only beginning to find myself, and what I stood for. You took away my confidence to believe in myself, to believe I was beautiful. Over time, I began to believe that all I was worth was a bruised face, or blood coming from my skin. Which is so wrong of you to do. I do my best for you, I don't even know why. So many people tell me, I can do better than you. Ect, I dismiss it because I still wanna believe you can change into the person you was before the violence, but in reality you've always been that person you was just waiting for your time to show me it. & I did.
One day, my pain will end. I know it. And I'll be happy again, a true smile. Until then ima sit patient, and let karma take it's course."
"I sit back and think "why did that even happen to me, like what did I do" and I know deep down, I never did shit. I know deep down I was the girl which I was made to be, I was shaped into this women which never felt like me, shaped into someone that became ignorant to those she loved most, became a person who wasn't talkative to everyone, even though deep down inside I was screaming to speak out. But I've realised, after years later it was you, you wanted to be this player that everyone rated and me? I was never thought about when you did that crazy shit. Even though, I should of been your first thought. I should of been the person you think about and said "No, I can't do that to her" .. if you would of said that to yourself, half the shit that has happened probably never would of. I get you was young, you wanted to live life in the way you thought was right with your friends, but if that was the case you should of let me go and given me a chance to live my life, not in the same way though. If you wanted to be a player, and act like you got it you should of never asked me if you could commit to me. We was both so young, 15. Practically still baby's. Your intentions we're to have me and others. Whilst I didn't have any, I was just gassed that a boy even liked me. The boy that everyone spoke about in school, chose me. But in reality I was one of many. Sometimes I wanna go back to them times and change certain things, maybe then it wouldn't be how it is now. I know it ain't my fault you decided to speak/see other gal behind my back, they we're your own selfish decisions. Which unfortunately had a bigger impact on me than you think, whilst I stayed home with my life on pause, you was out living yours with the people you call your friends. I stayed home, every day and night. Thinking about how to better myself for you, but whilst I was doing that you had another girl in your arms and sight. I can't believe I'm even sat here saying this, like I tolerate it. I don't. I never have, I just give you chance after chance praying you'd prove to me you can be a better man because I love you so much, I still pray that now. But only time will tell, I won't go through another heartbreak and I know I've said it time and time again, and I've kept going back. But this time I'm for real, I'm grown now. I'm 18, I make my own money, I chase my education and if my man can't treat me right then he ain't worthy of me, my time or my love.
I conformed into this "perfect girl" the one you said I should be, I stopped going out with my friends not because I wanted too, but because you forced me. I stopped dressing in a certain way because if I shown one bit of skin you would say "why you trying to impress boys" but it's mad, because all the things you didn't want me to be and got me to stop doing, the girls you would see behind my back did all the stuff you didn't want me doing. I didn't understand it back then, but I do now. You think the violence hasn't had an impact on my life in any way, well you're wrong. It's took away me as a person, I've lost myself, and I was only beginning to find myself, and what I stood for. You took away my confidence to believe in myself, to believe I was beautiful. Over time, I began to believe that all I was worth was a bruised face, or blood coming from my skin. Which is so wrong of you to do. I do my best for you, I don't even know why. So many people tell me, I can do better than you. Ect, I dismiss it because I still wanna believe you can change into the person you was before the violence, but in reality you've always been that person you was just waiting for your time to show me it. & I did.
One day, my pain will end. I know it. And I'll be happy again, a true smile. Until then ima sit patient, and let karma take it's course."
