Post by karen on Sept 30, 2014 23:54:05 GMT
I wander onto this site and boy has it hit home. Thank you for whoever created this! Here is my story..I guess I just want to know I am not the crazy one!
I am 49 years old..currently legally separated..and my "ex" isn't the "abuser". In 2013 I joined a dating website after telling my husband I wanted a divorce and long story short..thought I had met the man of my dreams online. Had never seen his picture..but he was incredibly nice to talk to, very well written, and after exchanging several wonderful e-mails..I was hooked. He claimed he was too. We met, fell in love very quickly and could not be together enough. I was leaving my husband at the time and his wife left ( I believe because he had started a texting relationship with me and he knew she would see the increase in texting on the bill, and learn of the affair). She left and literally 8 weeks later I moved in. He and I had been seeing each other for 3 months.
The first "worry" he had came in the form of me "casually" talking about how I loved my parents and how I always thought having a nice home with an in-law suite would be ideal as I knew my parents could potentially need support in their senior years. His parents were both deceased and he never really spoke kindly of his mother..blaming her for having him late in life and I believe he basically grew up on his own (the last of 6 kids). One day out of the blue..he sends me a text message and an argument starts. It basically comes down to the fact that we "cannot go any further in this relationship if you want your parents to live with us, Ex-wife tried it..it didn't work with her and it's not working with you". That argument also proceeded to include "if your kids or mine get knocked up, or knock someone us..they are out! No grandkids living with us, if you don't want this too, we are done". I was so in love with this man...I agreed even though I would never turn my back on anyone...let alone my parents and my kids. Along with this came "I am worried honey,,I can't help how I feel". This statement would be something I would hear 10 more times over the next year..a cycle of "worries" that would happen every 3-4 weeks..always followed by remorse, I am sorry, I love you, don't listen to me, but you have to have tolerance with me".. "If you understood my worries you wouldn't argue with me"..that was my favorite.
Things progressed..we settled into what I thought was domestic happiness...but he never would commit or allow me to bring my furniture to the house, only belongings that basically stayed in my room or in the kitchen cabinets. He would buy me expensive gifts..."If you want it honey, get it". I didn't normally live that way..I am on a budget and my spouse left us bankrupt and I was paying off a significant Home Equity Loan and still paying the mortgage. I didn't need a $1300 flute, and he wouldn't shop or think about it...just bought it. Later I would hear that since he bought me a flute...I should be grateful and "censor" what comes out of my mouth. We traveled..I always made it clear that I could not contribute financially..he said it didn't matter.."I love you, you are the one for me, I am never letting you go"..very charming and loving. More "worries"..one had to do with him accusing me of trying to get pregnant on purpose and trap him. We had both undergone surgical procedures to prevent pregnancy..that is 188% chance of no pregnancy. Because some one in his office at the age of 43, got pregnant from a failed surgical procedure..this prompted a HUGE worry. I was on vacation with my family..he missed me terribly. He asked me when my last cycle was.."I don't remember..2 months ago..I don't keep track"..wrong answer. He proceeded to tell me if I was pregnant he would never speak to me again and he would kick me out. I am in menopause..he didn't believe me. Had to get a pregnancy test, take it, take a picture of it and send it to him. Then he proceeded to accuse me of lying about my surgery because "I didn't lie, so if mine failed..then you didn't have one, so you must be lying". "You said you wanted a child with me, so this is the perfect way to trap me and get me to take care of you". (I said this in a moment of affection and loving him that I wished we had met 20 years ago and had a child). He told me I would have to take a test when I got home, because how did he know if I was the one who actually took the test. Either I agreed that his worry was justified or "get out when you get home".
Aside from the worries came with coming home from work whenever he wanted..sometimes he would say when he was late..most times he would say"You know where I am and what I am doing, why do I have to tell you...you don't control me and you never will". One morning he got up, dressed and left for work..not a word of goodbye , no kiss, no have a nice day (again this man had been extremely affectionate and loving..Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde). I texted him and asked why he left without saying goodbye. "Yup I left". This argument ended with you don't control me, I don't agree with the "little social graces between couples..if we are solid, we don't need to say these things". "Change your channel or get out".
My kids were welcome sometimes..but I never got the feeling he wanted them there. He had raised 2 stepdaughters and had been "slighted" by them, my girls were triggers for him. His ex would bang the dishes together in the kitchen when she was angry..I accidentaly did that one time and he told me to stop doing the dishes..anytime I would do the dishes (my way of contributing as I could not pay rent), I was quiet and careful..he got on me for that too. When he would be upset with me I honestly never saw the anger coming and it usually had to do with a comment I made..to me very innocently. To him..my comments all had hidden meaning. He accused me of being manipulative, using sex to get what I want-(after sex I would talk about making plans for the week ahead or ask if we could do something together thus the accusation), crying to get him to apologize to me, ("you said you would cry to the police officer so you wouldn;t get a ticket..Is that what I have to look forward to..you crying to get me to do what you want?"). He used the F word like it was nothing, he smoked cigars, he knew I didn't like him smoking in the house because of the smell..when he was happy with me..he would smoke outside. I even bought him his favorite cigars. When he was mad..he would smoke inside..knowing it would bother me. He would put my belongings in the foyer on occasion when he was mad..I would come home and there my things would be. Many nights I would be given the cold shoulder..after 36 hours of this I would ask what was bothering him and usually had to do this 2-3 times until he finally told me how angry he was. I then was to stop the conversation when he told me he was done talking about it.."Is this what I have to look forward to..you yelling at me and staying up all night talking about this?..just get the f out".
This all went on for a year..all the arguments followed by remorse and I love you's, but as the arguments became more frequent, the remorse ended, the cuddling slowed down, and the last argument was over me talking to a guy friend on Facebook..I had to live in a hotel in college (30 years ago) because the on-campus housing was full. I had a lot of fun being away from home and got a little tipsy one night (only 2 beers i am very petite and it didn't take much), I kissed a friend who had a crush on me. He and I were friends on Facebook..hadn't seen him in 30 years..I was never attracted to him. College roommate..who I am also friends with..teased us about kissing one time in a hotel. Boyfriend decides that there is "no f#$ing way that a guy is in a hotel with you and only kisses you". Then came the accusations of me throwing this "affair" in his face where everyone could see it on Facebook. He told me he didn't get jealous about old boyfriends..somehow I should have known this would set him off. This progressed to me manipulating him to get money from him..I told him my plans had changed for an upcoming weekend trip with my daughter because I was on a budget and couldn't afford the hotel. He proceeded to say I said that so he would offer and pay for the hotel..I was trying to use him and manipulate him. He told me he was done and to get out.
Each argument would put me in tears..sobbing. I thought I had met my partner I was meant to be with..this guy gave me back some self esteem and self confidence..many of my friends noticed how happy I was..it was short term...as I had been married for 20 years, the last 4 was pretty loveless. I was so torn up..I began to try and really figure out what i was doing wrong. I am a Christian..he is not. He would tell me praying "NEVER WORKS"..I moved out 3 weeks ago. I always believed that if I just loved him enough and tolerated him as he told me to do..he would get over it and we would be fine, except it kept happening. Happened again today. I have been crying everyday..I am a mastered prepared Social Worker, well educated and I help others get through tough times. I can't Social Work myself. He indicated that we would get through this , and perhaps get back together once my divorce was final, my house was sold, my debt paid off, and his divorce final. That argument was fun too.. that I would financially ruin him with my debt.(he has a lot of money and a beautiful house with pool and everything..I didn't know this before I fell in love with him) He knew the reasons for my debt..and at one time, comforted me for my ex-husband's stealing of money from me. I told him repeatedly I didn't want his money...wrong answer..I must be lying,..I came from a bad marriage with no money and lots of debt..he is an awesome catch according to him.. he throws money at everything to fix it..but he wouldn't for me. I never asked him to. I defended myself with every argument..also wrong according to him.
I sent him old e-mails of him loving me and writing me a poem. I thought if I showed him I loved him, that he was lovable and I understood his worries, he would rethink us. He got so angry with me today, "do you want the dishes? We are through, please stop. YOu want a war..that can be arranged. Wouldn't be my first". Me.."keys will be there today, when I get dishes"..Him.."doesn't matter, I am changing the F@#$ing locks, I can see where this is going". Me..I am not a threat to you, you broke my heart, nothing more to say"..him.."I don't give a F@#$ whether you think you are a threat or not. YOu want to try something? Try it!" me.."thank you for the dishes you won't hear from me again".
I would just like an objective opinion..everything tells me this would probably get worse as time went on. Abusive? I think so, but that makes me feel like such a victim, and I did everything I could to love him the way he wanted/needed. Man..this was not my fault, but I rack my brain trying to figure out what I could have done differently.
I am 49 years old..currently legally separated..and my "ex" isn't the "abuser". In 2013 I joined a dating website after telling my husband I wanted a divorce and long story short..thought I had met the man of my dreams online. Had never seen his picture..but he was incredibly nice to talk to, very well written, and after exchanging several wonderful e-mails..I was hooked. He claimed he was too. We met, fell in love very quickly and could not be together enough. I was leaving my husband at the time and his wife left ( I believe because he had started a texting relationship with me and he knew she would see the increase in texting on the bill, and learn of the affair). She left and literally 8 weeks later I moved in. He and I had been seeing each other for 3 months.
The first "worry" he had came in the form of me "casually" talking about how I loved my parents and how I always thought having a nice home with an in-law suite would be ideal as I knew my parents could potentially need support in their senior years. His parents were both deceased and he never really spoke kindly of his mother..blaming her for having him late in life and I believe he basically grew up on his own (the last of 6 kids). One day out of the blue..he sends me a text message and an argument starts. It basically comes down to the fact that we "cannot go any further in this relationship if you want your parents to live with us, Ex-wife tried it..it didn't work with her and it's not working with you". That argument also proceeded to include "if your kids or mine get knocked up, or knock someone us..they are out! No grandkids living with us, if you don't want this too, we are done". I was so in love with this man...I agreed even though I would never turn my back on anyone...let alone my parents and my kids. Along with this came "I am worried honey,,I can't help how I feel". This statement would be something I would hear 10 more times over the next year..a cycle of "worries" that would happen every 3-4 weeks..always followed by remorse, I am sorry, I love you, don't listen to me, but you have to have tolerance with me".. "If you understood my worries you wouldn't argue with me"..that was my favorite.
Things progressed..we settled into what I thought was domestic happiness...but he never would commit or allow me to bring my furniture to the house, only belongings that basically stayed in my room or in the kitchen cabinets. He would buy me expensive gifts..."If you want it honey, get it". I didn't normally live that way..I am on a budget and my spouse left us bankrupt and I was paying off a significant Home Equity Loan and still paying the mortgage. I didn't need a $1300 flute, and he wouldn't shop or think about it...just bought it. Later I would hear that since he bought me a flute...I should be grateful and "censor" what comes out of my mouth. We traveled..I always made it clear that I could not contribute financially..he said it didn't matter.."I love you, you are the one for me, I am never letting you go"..very charming and loving. More "worries"..one had to do with him accusing me of trying to get pregnant on purpose and trap him. We had both undergone surgical procedures to prevent pregnancy..that is 188% chance of no pregnancy. Because some one in his office at the age of 43, got pregnant from a failed surgical procedure..this prompted a HUGE worry. I was on vacation with my family..he missed me terribly. He asked me when my last cycle was.."I don't remember..2 months ago..I don't keep track"..wrong answer. He proceeded to tell me if I was pregnant he would never speak to me again and he would kick me out. I am in menopause..he didn't believe me. Had to get a pregnancy test, take it, take a picture of it and send it to him. Then he proceeded to accuse me of lying about my surgery because "I didn't lie, so if mine failed..then you didn't have one, so you must be lying". "You said you wanted a child with me, so this is the perfect way to trap me and get me to take care of you". (I said this in a moment of affection and loving him that I wished we had met 20 years ago and had a child). He told me I would have to take a test when I got home, because how did he know if I was the one who actually took the test. Either I agreed that his worry was justified or "get out when you get home".
Aside from the worries came with coming home from work whenever he wanted..sometimes he would say when he was late..most times he would say"You know where I am and what I am doing, why do I have to tell you...you don't control me and you never will". One morning he got up, dressed and left for work..not a word of goodbye , no kiss, no have a nice day (again this man had been extremely affectionate and loving..Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde). I texted him and asked why he left without saying goodbye. "Yup I left". This argument ended with you don't control me, I don't agree with the "little social graces between couples..if we are solid, we don't need to say these things". "Change your channel or get out".
My kids were welcome sometimes..but I never got the feeling he wanted them there. He had raised 2 stepdaughters and had been "slighted" by them, my girls were triggers for him. His ex would bang the dishes together in the kitchen when she was angry..I accidentaly did that one time and he told me to stop doing the dishes..anytime I would do the dishes (my way of contributing as I could not pay rent), I was quiet and careful..he got on me for that too. When he would be upset with me I honestly never saw the anger coming and it usually had to do with a comment I made..to me very innocently. To him..my comments all had hidden meaning. He accused me of being manipulative, using sex to get what I want-(after sex I would talk about making plans for the week ahead or ask if we could do something together thus the accusation), crying to get him to apologize to me, ("you said you would cry to the police officer so you wouldn;t get a ticket..Is that what I have to look forward to..you crying to get me to do what you want?"). He used the F word like it was nothing, he smoked cigars, he knew I didn't like him smoking in the house because of the smell..when he was happy with me..he would smoke outside. I even bought him his favorite cigars. When he was mad..he would smoke inside..knowing it would bother me. He would put my belongings in the foyer on occasion when he was mad..I would come home and there my things would be. Many nights I would be given the cold shoulder..after 36 hours of this I would ask what was bothering him and usually had to do this 2-3 times until he finally told me how angry he was. I then was to stop the conversation when he told me he was done talking about it.."Is this what I have to look forward to..you yelling at me and staying up all night talking about this?..just get the f out".
This all went on for a year..all the arguments followed by remorse and I love you's, but as the arguments became more frequent, the remorse ended, the cuddling slowed down, and the last argument was over me talking to a guy friend on Facebook..I had to live in a hotel in college (30 years ago) because the on-campus housing was full. I had a lot of fun being away from home and got a little tipsy one night (only 2 beers i am very petite and it didn't take much), I kissed a friend who had a crush on me. He and I were friends on Facebook..hadn't seen him in 30 years..I was never attracted to him. College roommate..who I am also friends with..teased us about kissing one time in a hotel. Boyfriend decides that there is "no f#$ing way that a guy is in a hotel with you and only kisses you". Then came the accusations of me throwing this "affair" in his face where everyone could see it on Facebook. He told me he didn't get jealous about old boyfriends..somehow I should have known this would set him off. This progressed to me manipulating him to get money from him..I told him my plans had changed for an upcoming weekend trip with my daughter because I was on a budget and couldn't afford the hotel. He proceeded to say I said that so he would offer and pay for the hotel..I was trying to use him and manipulate him. He told me he was done and to get out.
Each argument would put me in tears..sobbing. I thought I had met my partner I was meant to be with..this guy gave me back some self esteem and self confidence..many of my friends noticed how happy I was..it was short term...as I had been married for 20 years, the last 4 was pretty loveless. I was so torn up..I began to try and really figure out what i was doing wrong. I am a Christian..he is not. He would tell me praying "NEVER WORKS"..I moved out 3 weeks ago. I always believed that if I just loved him enough and tolerated him as he told me to do..he would get over it and we would be fine, except it kept happening. Happened again today. I have been crying everyday..I am a mastered prepared Social Worker, well educated and I help others get through tough times. I can't Social Work myself. He indicated that we would get through this , and perhaps get back together once my divorce was final, my house was sold, my debt paid off, and his divorce final. That argument was fun too.. that I would financially ruin him with my debt.(he has a lot of money and a beautiful house with pool and everything..I didn't know this before I fell in love with him) He knew the reasons for my debt..and at one time, comforted me for my ex-husband's stealing of money from me. I told him repeatedly I didn't want his money...wrong answer..I must be lying,..I came from a bad marriage with no money and lots of debt..he is an awesome catch according to him.. he throws money at everything to fix it..but he wouldn't for me. I never asked him to. I defended myself with every argument..also wrong according to him.
I sent him old e-mails of him loving me and writing me a poem. I thought if I showed him I loved him, that he was lovable and I understood his worries, he would rethink us. He got so angry with me today, "do you want the dishes? We are through, please stop. YOu want a war..that can be arranged. Wouldn't be my first". Me.."keys will be there today, when I get dishes"..Him.."doesn't matter, I am changing the F@#$ing locks, I can see where this is going". Me..I am not a threat to you, you broke my heart, nothing more to say"..him.."I don't give a F@#$ whether you think you are a threat or not. YOu want to try something? Try it!" me.."thank you for the dishes you won't hear from me again".
I would just like an objective opinion..everything tells me this would probably get worse as time went on. Abusive? I think so, but that makes me feel like such a victim, and I did everything I could to love him the way he wanted/needed. Man..this was not my fault, but I rack my brain trying to figure out what I could have done differently.
