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Post by Bobby on Sept 28, 2014 8:08:03 GMT
Hi, I'm sorry if this seems like I'm making a fuss about nothing but my situation is this:
I met my hubby 5 years ago and we quickly got married. He has never worked in his life and although he was going to look for a job when he moved in with me, it looks less and less likely as the years go by. I work full time in a good job and have worked all my life. He suffers from depression but I think he is using this as a weapon. He smokes cannabis daily which I have to fund. If he doesn't get cannabis he either sinks into a depression and starts self harming or starts throwing things around and smashing things up. If I try to say we haven't got enough money he will try to get me to stop paying something else (like the broadband subscription) and then made me feel like I am a horrible and greedy person for making a fuss about giving him money. If I say we just can't do it, he will go and get cannabis on credit and then I have to pay that off next time I get money. I have two kids from a previous marriage but they live 50/50 with me and their dad. I have to admit he is always well behaved around the kids although he does smoke cannabis in front of them. We are sinking further and further into debt (this week I can't afford food or my bus ticket for work) and I really want out but I'm scared that if I say I am leaving he will kick off.
If I leave on my monthly payday I can afford to get myself a room in a shared house and ask my children's father to have full custody of the kids until I get back on my feet but I just need advice on the practicalities of going as I'm scared he will kick off. Can anyone suggest how I can get out or should I just set off for work one day and not go back and leave everything behind? Any suggestions please? I have no family who can help me and I'm very isolated from my friends. |
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 28, 2014 14:54:00 GMT
I think you have a very abusive man on your hands right now and I would strongly advise you to contact a DV hotline as soon as you feel comfortable doing so. Use a safe phone and internet connection to either find the number for your national DV hotline and even better, a local DV shelter. You do not have to give them your name or address or anything right now- they can just name all the free services they can offer you and you can choose from.
Ideally this would be- they pick you up (usually they do that at a public place as when they have to come to your house usually they ask for the police to be there in case your husband is violent/has access to weapons) or you can drive to a safe place from which they take you to a hidden, safe shelter.
They will explain that to you on the hotline.
Shelters offer free housing, for you and your kids. They also offer financial and legal help and psychological counseling.
Be careful about your kids- smoking cannabis in front of them is absolutely NOT ok and could be considered child abuse actually. Cannabis is in most places still a classified drug- and even if it is legal, I doubt many courts would want to hear you allowed a man consume drugs in front of them- and they passively will have inhaled the smoke.
So if you cannot leave for yourself, leave for the safety and health of your children.
Your husband has used you for 5 years and financially ruined you. You deserve so much more than this and especially you children do as well.
Expect him to throw fits like nothing else once he finds you left. Use the legal system as advised by the shelter/DV hotline to dealw tih it. This means no contact and only contact through a lawyer. He might threaten to commit suicide, he might cry and beg you back and cry big crocodile tears- he might threaten you and your children. They try everything to get control back, so no contact is a key to surviving this phase. This means change your email, phone number, cut out anyone from his side- his family, his friends, as he will try and find out where you are, he might try and use others to get to you.
"Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft is a great book to get you through this time. I highly recommend it.
Counseling could also be a great support- it can help you cope with the divorce, but also help you explore why you let a man use you like this for 5 years and how you can prevent yourself from falling for the same type of partner again.
None of this is your fault, he chose to abuse you and at the start you probably believed his charming behavior and promises. No shame and nob lame to yourself- it all belongs to him and with him. Also, Cannabis does not make people abusive. In fact I am surprised he IS abusive on Cannabis! He will use his addiction as an excuse though- and medically speaking he is not basing this on any concrete evidence or study -- so that is really not an explanation or excuse at all for his poor choices.
You can do this, you want a better role model for your children to grow up with and a safe partner to come home to who pays the bills, not asks you to allow him his addiction and abuse of your children and you.
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