Post by confusedandhurt on Sept 25, 2014 15:24:59 GMT
I first found these boards some years back. I had been in a relationship that left me confused, hurt and struggling to understand what had happened. I wrote a lot about what had happened and had some validation from Steve and the others on this forum.
After breaking up with the abuser in August 2011 I attempted to put my life back together, I maintained no contact from my end, but I didn't block his number, and after some of his more convincing attempts in October that year I agreed to talk to him.
Long story short, he said he couldn't live without me...and asked me to move in to his house. He promised he had changed and that he had taken a permanent job at home, so he wouldn't need to work away again. I knew I'd never trust him unless we lived under the same roof, and I agreed to rent my house and to move in to his house with my 16 year old daughter.
He was going through a court battle (which he never won, and later admitted he had only done it to try to destroy his ex) to try to gain custody of his 8 year old son, and needed to present a good image to the court, so we duly bought a cute puppy, and his stage was set.
I discovered in the first few months that the woman that I had accused him of having an affair with from June 2010, did in fact exist, and all of my suspicions had been correct. She was still contacting him, he told me a vague story about what had happened with her. I called her, she told me that he had met her mid 2010 when he had arrived in her city to work a 12 month contract. She told me that he had spent every night with her, except for the weekends when he came home to see his son. She told me that when his contract ended in June 2011 he had told her he'd get another contract & return to her city. I told her that he and I had been together for 6 months before he even went to work in her city, and that I had collected his son from school every Friday and that he came home to us both at weekends throughout the next year. She knew nothing about me.
We worked out that he ended things with me in August 2011, marching me out of his house, at the time her adult son had died, and that she had called to tell him, and ask him to accompany her to the funeral.
He went to the funeral and brought her back to stay with him in his house and our city for a few weeks. Apparently he asked her to leave her younger son in her home city, and to move here to live with him in his house, & look after his son. She became understandably upset, they argued, and he proceeded to throw her out of his house.
This had been three months earlier, in October 2011, when he came back to me, with his lies, and I fell for it. I had been living with him now for two months.
Despite me and her both knowing what he was, I stayed living with him, and she continued to contact him. He denied responding to her contact but I know that to be untrue. He eventually agreed to change his number. That was the night he hit me, 'just a slap'!!!
From there on he knew he had me, I would, and did do anything and everything to try to make him happy, to try to be enough, to try to deflect the anger, the tantrums, the endless silences, the sexual intimidation....
I always told myself that 'at least he's not cheating'!
Life was tough, he lost his very high powered job, he had been threatening people at work, and was disliked by almost everyone by his own admission.
In October 2013 he took a job in another city again. His behaviour reverted to how it had been when he'd worked away the last time. Throughout the week he was living the life of a single man. At weekends he was dismissive, ignored me, controlled my every move and raged and threatened me when I tried to be my own person. In October 2013, he threw me out again. I had managed to call the police as he was dragging me out of the door, I had no shoes on my feet, no keys for my car...nothing. I stayed with a friend that night, but ended up returning the next day.
At this point I asked my tenants to leave my house. I made plans to leave, he suspected nothing, too wrapped up in himself.
In March this year I left, while he was away at work. I knew if I'd tried to reason with him he would have destroyed everything I owned, he'd already told me that. He said he'd done that to his ex, burned her things and laughed in her face.
I told him that night when he called (I was never allowed to call him, I had to wait for his call & if I missed it then tough, he wouldn't call again until the next night)
He was devastated & I felt bad. I agreed we could try to work things out. The next night he called me raging, saying he'd done nothing wrong & I was a manipulative liar. The next night he was sorry....and so the pattern went on.
For a few weeks he was really nice, some of the time at least, talking to me, not getting stoned, spending time with me and making me see what a normal relationship looked like.
I wouldn't move back in his house as I wasn't convinced it would last, he agreed to give me time.
By June, he had reverted back to his old self. We had booked a family holiday for August 2014, and he had cancelled mine & my daughter's flights one night in anger. When I found out I told him to never contact me again, so he rebooked the flights and worked his way back...again.
His anger was never far from the surface, and although he tried to be charming to my face, the undercurrent was ever stronger.
At the beginning of August there was an explosive incident, the police were called again, and I knew that this was the last time.
I left, blocked his number and have tried to rebuild my life once again. I don't know if he's made any attempt to contact me, I drove past his house once and it left me in a spin for over a week so now I avoid that route altogether.
I haven't detailed the abuse as this post would go on far too long, and I guess I'm posting this now in the hope that if anyone is thinking of taking those steps back to an abusive ex, please don't. Once the fish hook is in it takes a long time to break free again. We may think we are stronger, we can handle it, but he is always one step ahead, he always will be, he's the master of his game.
I found these boards so helpful when we broke up in 2011. I've been reading here again for the past 5 and a half weeks, it gets harder not easier, but I know that one day the bad dreams will stop, the self loathing for allowing myself to go back will stop, the memories will fade.
Thank you for reading.
After breaking up with the abuser in August 2011 I attempted to put my life back together, I maintained no contact from my end, but I didn't block his number, and after some of his more convincing attempts in October that year I agreed to talk to him.
Long story short, he said he couldn't live without me...and asked me to move in to his house. He promised he had changed and that he had taken a permanent job at home, so he wouldn't need to work away again. I knew I'd never trust him unless we lived under the same roof, and I agreed to rent my house and to move in to his house with my 16 year old daughter.
He was going through a court battle (which he never won, and later admitted he had only done it to try to destroy his ex) to try to gain custody of his 8 year old son, and needed to present a good image to the court, so we duly bought a cute puppy, and his stage was set.
I discovered in the first few months that the woman that I had accused him of having an affair with from June 2010, did in fact exist, and all of my suspicions had been correct. She was still contacting him, he told me a vague story about what had happened with her. I called her, she told me that he had met her mid 2010 when he had arrived in her city to work a 12 month contract. She told me that he had spent every night with her, except for the weekends when he came home to see his son. She told me that when his contract ended in June 2011 he had told her he'd get another contract & return to her city. I told her that he and I had been together for 6 months before he even went to work in her city, and that I had collected his son from school every Friday and that he came home to us both at weekends throughout the next year. She knew nothing about me.
We worked out that he ended things with me in August 2011, marching me out of his house, at the time her adult son had died, and that she had called to tell him, and ask him to accompany her to the funeral.
He went to the funeral and brought her back to stay with him in his house and our city for a few weeks. Apparently he asked her to leave her younger son in her home city, and to move here to live with him in his house, & look after his son. She became understandably upset, they argued, and he proceeded to throw her out of his house.
This had been three months earlier, in October 2011, when he came back to me, with his lies, and I fell for it. I had been living with him now for two months.
Despite me and her both knowing what he was, I stayed living with him, and she continued to contact him. He denied responding to her contact but I know that to be untrue. He eventually agreed to change his number. That was the night he hit me, 'just a slap'!!!
From there on he knew he had me, I would, and did do anything and everything to try to make him happy, to try to be enough, to try to deflect the anger, the tantrums, the endless silences, the sexual intimidation....
I always told myself that 'at least he's not cheating'!
Life was tough, he lost his very high powered job, he had been threatening people at work, and was disliked by almost everyone by his own admission.
In October 2013 he took a job in another city again. His behaviour reverted to how it had been when he'd worked away the last time. Throughout the week he was living the life of a single man. At weekends he was dismissive, ignored me, controlled my every move and raged and threatened me when I tried to be my own person. In October 2013, he threw me out again. I had managed to call the police as he was dragging me out of the door, I had no shoes on my feet, no keys for my car...nothing. I stayed with a friend that night, but ended up returning the next day.
At this point I asked my tenants to leave my house. I made plans to leave, he suspected nothing, too wrapped up in himself.
In March this year I left, while he was away at work. I knew if I'd tried to reason with him he would have destroyed everything I owned, he'd already told me that. He said he'd done that to his ex, burned her things and laughed in her face.
I told him that night when he called (I was never allowed to call him, I had to wait for his call & if I missed it then tough, he wouldn't call again until the next night)
He was devastated & I felt bad. I agreed we could try to work things out. The next night he called me raging, saying he'd done nothing wrong & I was a manipulative liar. The next night he was sorry....and so the pattern went on.
For a few weeks he was really nice, some of the time at least, talking to me, not getting stoned, spending time with me and making me see what a normal relationship looked like.
I wouldn't move back in his house as I wasn't convinced it would last, he agreed to give me time.
By June, he had reverted back to his old self. We had booked a family holiday for August 2014, and he had cancelled mine & my daughter's flights one night in anger. When I found out I told him to never contact me again, so he rebooked the flights and worked his way back...again.
His anger was never far from the surface, and although he tried to be charming to my face, the undercurrent was ever stronger.
At the beginning of August there was an explosive incident, the police were called again, and I knew that this was the last time.
I left, blocked his number and have tried to rebuild my life once again. I don't know if he's made any attempt to contact me, I drove past his house once and it left me in a spin for over a week so now I avoid that route altogether.
I haven't detailed the abuse as this post would go on far too long, and I guess I'm posting this now in the hope that if anyone is thinking of taking those steps back to an abusive ex, please don't. Once the fish hook is in it takes a long time to break free again. We may think we are stronger, we can handle it, but he is always one step ahead, he always will be, he's the master of his game.
I found these boards so helpful when we broke up in 2011. I've been reading here again for the past 5 and a half weeks, it gets harder not easier, but I know that one day the bad dreams will stop, the self loathing for allowing myself to go back will stop, the memories will fade.
Thank you for reading.