kl
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Post by kl on Sept 25, 2014 11:03:55 GMT
I've been with my husband for almost 8 years, and married for 2 and a half. I've always felt he had a problem with control and anger, but it has escalated recently. Last summer, while at his parents' house, he got angry at me because I didn't want to go hiking with him, and he said some nasty stuff. When I made it clear that he had hurt my feelings, he exploded. His mom was home, and I was so incredibly humiliated for her to witness him screaming and cussing at me and acting totally insane. He apologized, but I felt like he had taken his behavior to the "next level."
A few weeks ago, we had an argument about what to do for the weekend. He wanted to go camping, but I told him it was too hot (90+) to sleep in a tent. He ended up going without me, which was fine by me. A weekend apart is good every now and then. When he came home, he was in a terrible mood. He exploded at me worse than ever before, calling me every terrible name and saying every terrible thing he could think of, including "I hate you," "fucking cunt," "pathetic," "whore," etc. When I told him to stop saying those things, he laughed and said "What are you going to do, leave me?" I told him to stop saying things he would regret, and he told me that he didn't give a fuck because in the end, I was going to have to "get over it" and "eat it."
I have to point out that I was not totally blameless in this encounter. It's pretty impossible for me to be called those names and not respond with anger. No doubt a few "STFUs" left my mouth. I'm sure I could've de-escalated things better.
After the fight, I told him that talking to me like that was totally unacceptable. I had seen hatred in his eyes, and for the first time in our relationship, I couldn't let it go emotionally. He half-assed apologized, and we were civil for the next week or so, though I couldn't bring myself to be physical with him. Last weekend, he got fed up with me "dragging out" the fight, though I tried to tell him that I had been really hurt and I needed some time. The discussion escalated, and it was another blow-out screaming/cussing-athon. Again, crossing lines and saying things that he'd never previously said in our relationship. He says it's my fault he keeps exploding, because I can't "let it go." But the reason I can't let it go is because it keeps happening!
When we have tried to calmly discuss the situation, he's made it very clear that he doesn't feel remorse. According to him, I "deserve it" by reacting to him with anger. He has repeated to me that it's my fault, and that me being angry with him makes him want to talk to me like shit. He has also made it clear that it's ME causing the fights, and that I'm just going to have to "eat" his disgusting, abusive words.
He grew up in a pretty dysfunctional household, with his parents screaming and cussing at each other in front of him and his brother. I believe that's why he acts the way he does, but I don't believe it's an excuse for the behavior. This also makes me fear that if I stay with him, my marriage will be bitter and unhappy, just like his parents'.
I don't see any desire for him to change, and he barely even acknowledges that talking to me like that is WRONG and unacceptable. He just puts all the blame on me, like I'm his puppetmaster making him say those horrible things. We don't have kids, and I'm 27, which means the time to have kids is quickly approaching. But I cannot have children with a man who talks to me like that and shows no urge to change.
Just curious to hear opinions and feedback. I've only been married 2.5 years, so I also have very strong fears about what my family and friends will think about getting divorced so soon. I also fear the failure of ending my short marriage.
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Post by Rory on Sept 25, 2014 15:10:04 GMT
Get out now. It's so much more complicated once you have kids. Go now, and you can make a clean break. Wait until kids come along, and you'll be tied to him forever. Call a local shelter or the domestic violence outline. There is help and support out there. Your husband's behavior isn't going to get better. If he was willing to change, he would show real remorse and acknowledge that he's wrong, not turn it back around on you! You deserve better. Not to mention, the longer you stay, the more likely it is that it will escalate from verbal/emotional abuse to physical abuse. Is this really the type of environment you'd want to bring children into? I had 3 children with my abusive ex-husband. When I left, he'd already started in on my oldest. I caught him hitting her with a belt. She was only 5 years old! And even after that and everything else, he was given visitation rights. Which meant dealing with him for the next 15 years, until my youngest turned 16 and was allowed to refuse to see him. That is what you're dealing with. Or, you have kids with him, and you stay, and they learn from their father how women should be treated. And the cycle continues. I speak from experience on this. My father would hit my mother, and us kids and then tell us it was because he loved us. Years later, he'd say he never gave us anything we didn't deserve. So, I learned hitting = love. And it took a long, long time to unlearn that.
I have had 2 more kids, with my amazing, loving husband of 12 years, and I had them at age 31 and 33. At 27, you still have plenty of time. Don't let your fears about your biological clock trap you, and any future children, in an abusive situation. It's not worth it. I love my three oldest kids, and I would never wish I hadn't had them--I just wish I'd have had them later, and with my current husband. There are normal, loving men out there, who would never put you down, call you names, or make you feel unsafe, and who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated--with respect. And once you experience what real love feels like, it's a whole new world. And you'll wonder why you spent so much time on people who didn't deserve to have you in the first place. You only have one life. Don't let other people dictate it for you. My own mother told me I was going to hell for getting a divorce. She said I'd made my bed, and I should lie in it. If I'd listened to her, I really believe I'd be dead by now. You have to live your life for YOU, not anyone else. It's up to you.
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 26, 2014 0:32:04 GMT
It is very understandable that you are concerned about ending the marriage and you should give yourself credit for being thoughtful and caring.
That said, i can only second Rory. This abuse will continue and the ONLY person that should be ashamed of what happened, and if/when you divorce, is him, and him alone. You can ask yourself maybe if you want your baby/babies to grow up having this person as their main, most important role model? Is he providing a safe, happy environment for you to get pregnant in, give birth and cope with the stress of child rearing?
Many women still believe having a child can 'fix' a man, or a marriage can 'fix' a man. Sadly the longer you wait and allow the abuse, the harder it will be to leave.
If you would like to talk to a professional, call a DV hotline or DV shelter. They will not ask you for your name or anything- it will just be a safe conversation with a trained, mental health professional who might be better able to support you in your concerns and questions.
Please make sure you use a phone he does not monitor, the same goes for your computer browser.
You do not have to stay with this man just because you signed a piece of paper a while ago.
He is clearly NOT keeping his part of the vows and treating you like a woman and wife deserve. Why should you accept this kind of treatment?
Nobody deserves to be treated this way and it is his choice and his fault.
I can highly recommend the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft-again please read it in a safe place and hide the book from him or read it in a park (hide the book under a stone or something or at a friend's house)
I am very proud of you for speaking up and sharing your story- living with an abuser is so hard. It took me three attempts to leave. My gut and heart knew I HAD to run. But I felt I could not again 'fail' at a relationship when people around me started marrying and having babies. Now I look back and wish someone had hugged that girl back then and told her: It will be ok. Just leave. Be safe. It will be ok.
Because...it is ok! Now I can look back and say - "How did I EVER think he was the one and only for me????That is crazy!!!!"
You got all your answers in your gut. Forget other people. They do not go to bed with this man, they do not wake up next to him. YOU do.
It is only your choice to make.
I believe in you. You do not have to live like this and you do not have to leave him and deal with the aftermath alone.
We are here, so are many good shelter/DV hotline people. Let us know what the shelter/hotline people said!
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kl
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Post by kl on Sept 26, 2014 14:24:05 GMT
Thanks so much for both your replies. I told him today that I want to separate, and his reaction has only made me want to leave more. It's just anger. No sadness, no pleading, still claiming he only talks to me so badly because I make him.
Sometimes I believe what your wholeheartedly, and sometimes I doubt it. God, it's hard to walk away from this man I had so many wonderful times with. I question myself sometimes because I still love him, just not that side of him. So much of him is wonderful, and it's so heartbreaking to realize that the bad part of him still outweighs that. There was never any threat of physical violence.
Please give me some advice... my situation is difficult. We live abroad and have for 3 years, and we teach at the same school. The school year just started a month ago, and it's hard to fathom being stuck at the same school for the next 7 months, even though our classrooms are quite separated so we rarely see each other. But I also feel a responsibility to my students to finish the school year. Since we live abroad, I don't have any family here, and being in a new city, don't really have any good friends either. I don't know which would be worse - sticking it out here and maybe hating it, or moving and breaking my contract.
I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Looking forward to your responses. Thank you!
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 26, 2014 17:25:58 GMT
I can very much relate to your situation as I too have been a teacher at an international school abroad before. We had many couples there who moved and worked together, as well as many international parents. I used to date one guy a long time ago who was also a teacher at the same school, who was an extreme narcissist and I regretted having started something with a coworker- it made me not want to go to work some days.
The thing I learned was that you are replaceable in your job. The school will find someone to sub for you. That is NOT a problem at all and the kids will get used to their new teacher so fast. My kids over the years used to always get sad when the year was over or when I left a job to go back to graduate school- yet they start to love a new teacher just as quick and either forget about you, or have some very good memories of you. Both things felt ok to me!!!
You are right- this is not a man you want to have children with. If you feel already so down by his way of treating you, how would a baby/toddler/teenager feel?
It is your chance now to break away from the cycle of violence - to save yourself and your future kids the pain of dealing with this man.
I understand it is hard and might feel like a 'failure' since you married a few years ago- but...to be honest I can only say that you will be surprised how easy dissolution of marriages (or divorces) are legally. When there are NO kids involved that is...Given you two live abroad I assume you also do not own a house- so the case would be over quick and rather painfree.
Is the native language of the country you are in English? If so, reach out to a shelter/DV hotline to talk to someone. Some places also have english speaking counselor. But...again, I can only stress abusers do not change. His behavior will escalate.
He might try a ton of different things in the days/weeks/months to come while you have a more clear plan to leave. From crying to begging, to saying he will get help but then slowly blaming you for 'having to go to counseling'- he will not stop abusing you until YOU say "enough" and go no contact.
We are here. Let us know how we can help
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 26, 2014 17:45:08 GMT
I forgot to add- I felt literally some physical relief in my own stomach when you wrote about 'leaving and breaking my contract"-- as if deep down maybe your gut already tells you it is the safe and healthy way to go.
It is OK to be not sure about what to do. You should have never been treated the way you were and abusers are SO good at making you think 'you MADE me do this'.
This was never your fault.
It will be ok.
having moved abroad away from Europe a few times myself I understand the idea of leaving now might seem overwhelming, but...take it day by day, hour by hour - step by step. You have experience now, you will find a job again and maybe jump on the January intake when schools will need teachers. And take the months until then to heal, move and maybe spend time close to your family if they are a happy, healthy environment for you. Old friends can be a miracle too sometimes I find when I get homesick, confused and sad abroad.
You are not alone in this and you do not have to go through the leaving period alone.
Maybe you want to download "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft onto your computer/kindle or buy the book. It helped me to see how my abusive Ex many years ago was NOT just suddenly a moody, grumpy, unpredictable stranger- and I was walking on eggshells because I had been too 'winy'whinging'complaining' according to him...no.
The man who wrote this book, Lundy Bancroft, has been a certified psychotherapist for over 30 years, and worked primarily with abusive men and the book is for their wives and girlfriends. He understands the abuser's mind. You will most likely see your husband DID show a lot of red flags of his abusive behavior and your future life at the start- as even the good times are part of the 'cycle of abuse'-- they are called "Honeymoon Phase" and often abusers engage in honeymoon behavior when you say you want to leave.
Or they go the other way and change strategies- they get angry, pretend to be indifferent, cry, beg, threaten to commit suicide, etc.
Expect anything- try and imagine he is up on stage, in his very own theater play he wrote when he met you. Until recently you performed under his will and control- you played a role he gave you. Now you decided to jump off the stage, sit in the audience for a bit. With a curious but detached eye you look at that storyline, the role he gave you.
The role he chooses to play.
Is it fun? Safe? Can you picture him being stable during the incredibly challenging years of child-rearing? A role model for you future son? A safe daddy for your daughter?
Then thank whatever you did learn from this period of time. Clap a few times in private and cry/laugh/scream, whatever you have to do. Grab your purse, walk away and and leave that theater.
You do not owe him or anyone else anything, ever. Married or not. A husband should never treat his wife this way. Often we say watch how YOU feel around someone. You have all the answers in you already. But we tend to focus soooo much on the other person. Trying to 'heal-love' them out of their own abusive past (imagined or real) and 'show them how great it COULD be' and then you look back and suddenly years have passed where you were scared, dealt with unpredictable behavior and constant out-downs.
Now years out, I look back and smile- because the man I am with is safe, happy and healthy and...Oh God is that EASY and healthy.
You can do this. You will be ok.
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kl
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Post by kl on Sept 29, 2014 14:28:55 GMT
Janine,
Thank you so much for your comments. I have moved out, and I'm in the process of finding my own apartment. I downloaded the Lundy Bancroft book you suggested, and it has been so incredibly enlightening. My eyes have been opened, and I can't (won't!) close them again. I also saw a therapist today, who confirmed everything I already new about his abusive behavior.
I've seen you commenting on everyone's posts, and I just wanted to say thank you. You are clearly committed to helping people get out of these situations. I wish there were more people in this world like you! This forum and your responses helped me get out. Your actions are so worthwhile. You are appreciated!
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 29, 2014 15:16:19 GMT
Hey kl,
Thank you very much for your kind words! I appreciate that a lot. This board was started by a lovely lady many years ago who is now busy enjoying her grandchildren- and sometimes checks in to see if the board keeps on going. Steve and I are the two main administrators who probably check in the most --besides from the founder of the page. This place has been a great way to do community work in something we know and understand.
I am so glad you found Lundy Bancroft's book useful and that it applied to your situation. It felt the same for me many years ago. Honestly, I believe you dodged a big bullet here of dealing with an abuser who would function as a questionable role model for your kids, and a poor support person for you as a woman in her best years who has still SO much time left to work through this experience, heal, and then meet the right, kind man she deserves. The one who will not make you question IF you want him to father your babies, but the one who makes you just go for it, knowing you and they will be safe, protected and grow up with respect.
If you feel confused in the weeks to come, maybe even have moments of deep regret for having left, questioning everything- please just know this is VERY normal. Leaving and no contact are hard- I am very thankful you found a therapist right away and feel good about that. A good counselor can be a lifeline during this process and we are here anytime you need an ear.
Many years ago when I went through this, I remember the only place I could tell how I honestly felt was here- had I told my friends and family I suddenly 'missed' my Ex and felt 'maybe he was the one after all' -- weeks after leaving.....they may have thought I was insane. And post traumatic stress DOES make you feel that way sometimes.
It could also be that you are already at a crossing where you went through all of this and now you just feel exhausted, ready to move forward and let go of this negative baggage he was and might still be in the weeks to come. Since you read Bancroft you now know what to expect- it can be anything from nothing (or dating someone right away to make you jealous and 'show you what a great stallion you let get away'- to threats to suicide announcements - which they never follow through with but it works to get you worried' etc.
Just trust your gut- it lead you here and it will keep on leading you to safety, happiness and a calm, respectful future relationship.
Now one thing that can happen is that since you might feel a bit more vulnerable in the months to come- there is a higher chance for abused women to choose an abusive partner again.That is partially because they are masters at manipulating and sniffing out someone who longs for love, acceptance and appreciation. Which would be really anyone who just left a long-term partner.... Bancroft has a few words to say about that too in his book I believe, but there is another fantastic work called "Jerk Radar" - by Steve McCrea.
That book is more aiming at people before they date again -- or right at the early start of dating someone- and gives you practical information and tips on how to spot an abuser early on. They might be charming and 'good' at manipulating...but there are ALWAYS red flags from the very first date onward. That is why I do not believe media should report on crimes where a husband 'suddenly out of nowhere' kills or harms his wife and kids. There are signs, we can learn to read them.
If you like to read and would like some more literature on this right now, my therapist years ago recommended me
"Gift of Fear" Gavin de Becker
"Invisible Heroes" Belleruth Naparstek
Both inform you a lot about DV and teach a lot of things I believe we should teach teenagers in grade 5 and onward about dating/trauma/realistic risk assessment in daily life.
We are here if you need us- by the number of views of your posts I can tell you inspired other women to come forward and make changes in their lives. We often have victims who read for a few weeks or months, before posting or just making a move and later telling us other stories of women finally getting out motivated them
Thank you!
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