|
|
Post by depressed on Sept 23, 2014 11:47:28 GMT
Just over a month ago I went to see my fiancé at her place (she still lives with her parents) in the early evening to catch up etc. She appeared to be quiet & snappy with me after a few hours of being in her company which I put down to her long week at work.
As the evening went on I asked her if she was ok to which she said that she was fine. Later on I asked her again & she snapped that if there was something wrong she would tell me - fair enough!
She didn't want dinner so I ordered a take-away for myself. When it arrived I was eating in the garden as it was sunny (she was sat next to me sunbathing) & then she went inside as she said she was too hot.
I followed inside 5mins later & sat downstairs. She had disappeared upstairs & around 20mins after I finished my dinner I went up to see if she was ok, she appeared ok but looked moody. So I went back downstairs to sit with her parents (giving her space - sensing her mood.) She later came down & we all watched tv.
As the night went on she was snapping at her mum for the most minor of things & was getting a bit sarcastic - becoming rather nasty. Her mum did say to her to stop swearing etc. Throughout the tv watching she barely said anything to me.
Shortly after her parents decided to go to bed so they went & turned the light off leaving the tv on for us. 20mins went on & I tried to make small talk with her which resulted in one worded responses.
At this point I'd had enough so I said to her that I was going home & not to contact me until she had snapped out of this horrible mood. She then grabbed my arm & said "don't leave me" so I said I'm not leaving you, I'm just leaving the situation.
She then said that her gran was unwell & that she felt she was the only one looking after her. She then accused me of saying that I like a picture of a famous woman on facebook. WTF!
Now the scary part..........
So I took a deep breath & stood up, & as I turned round (she must have shot up) & I felt both her hands round my neck pressing really tightly & this look of madness in her eyes. I found myself putting my hands round her neck only to push her onto the couch. This was the first time we have ever had a physical confrontation or even argument in the 2yrs we've been together (it has always been a honest, loyal & happy relationship.)
I pushed her onto the couch & I stumbled forward slightly, I then stumbled back by which point she leapt up, jumped on & straddled herself over me & started choking me again. There was no speaking throughout this scuffle.
I was shocked & scared at this then suddenly her mum & dad came running downstairs panicking wondering what was going on. Her mum tried to pull her off (with some force as my fiancé is strong for a woman.) I then remember lashing out shouting "get off me" as she was pulled away with a struggle from her mum.
As she got up her dad switched the light on & my fiancés nose was bleeding so she ran for a towel then stormed over to me & slammed the engagement ring into my hand & said get out this house before pushing me outside. I apologised & said I didn't realise I had punched her (especially to her face) as I couldn't see exactly where I was 'aiming' because it was pitch black but she said get out so I did & went home.
I phoned my parents explaining what had happened & they said not to phone her that night as it will make things worse. So I waited until the next day before phoning her but she ignored my call, I left a message & she texted me to say I could meet her that evening outside. We talked & I apologised profusely & she said she could forgive me for the struggle but not for the punch & that she wanted space for a few days with no contact.
Basically I want to know if there is anyway I can get my fiancé back as I truly love her, don't want to lose her especially of this & she said she still loves & cares for me (when I met her the following day?)
I am not a violent person & have never hit a woman before but this was a genuine accident.
I hope you can help me here as I'm so depressed & miserable right now & this was just a silly incident that got out of hand.
Many thanks
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185 
|
Post by janine on Sept 23, 2014 12:54:59 GMT
From how you describe this- I have to say it sounds like she initiated the violent episode and you acted in pure self-defense.
I would be concerned if incidents like this keep on happening though, it is clearly not something acceptable and normal for a functional and safe relationship. There is a good number of male victims of domestic abuse and you might want to read up on some source about the early red flags etc.
Maybe you do see signs that have been there in the past two years- but were more subtle. Maybe not though and this was a one time incident.
If she choked you out of nowhere- she could most likely benefit from seeing a mental health professional- maybe even do a few sessions of couple's therapy before you guys head donw to the altar. That way you both can work through this traumatic event and say 'yes' with a free and calm heart.
If I were you, I would probably read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft
"Jerk Radar" by Steve McCrea-- and please just in your mind while you read it, obviously replace 'He' with 'she'.
Most victims of abuse are women - so most resources are also aimed to keep women safe. But there is good research on how men suffer as well, so do same sex couples, transgender, bisexual etc.
I am very proud of you for reaching out to be honest- as it shows you are shocked about reaction to her choking, and you want to work on yourself and the relationship.
Give yourself a lot of credit for that!
What concerns me is her lack of taking up any responsibility for initiating the fight.
When she said she 'could forgive you for the struggle but not the punch'-- she is NOT standing up for her part in this.
Abusers (and I am not saying she is one but that incident of course makes you want to focus in and analyse the situation) - often start fights or provoke fights only to then blame the victim again. I too slapped my abusive Ex on his shoulder once during an argument where he had belittled and shoved and pushed into a corner- and I am NOT proud of that. But he then of course said 'look YOU got anger issues too and really you started it, that is why I pushed you onto the street and you fell down- you also had something to drink and I think you have alcohol problems.'
None of that was true of course- but abusers are manipulative in all ways. Verbal abuse is VERY hard to detect, so is emotional abuse.
Fact is- from how you describe it- she waited until you were alone with her and there were no witnesses (I am glad her parents saw her then later on choking you as you could easily be the one then brought away by police for DV had they not seen she choked you and you acted in self defense)
She also verbally abused her parents when she would not stop using language her mother felt was hurtful.
She then stonewalled/used silent treatment to emotionally punish you (maybe them too) instead of realizing 'Hey I am in a bad mood, I will just go to bed or take a walk'.
Again, this could have been a one time thing- but...to be honest healthy - functional people do not just out of nowhere start choking their partners. Choking is VERY serious.
Had she punched a pillow in anger (I know of friends who are totally fine people that do that and I myself have punched a pillow in anger twice too when nobody was around) -- fine. But choking you is a very up close, personal attack.
Then, after abusing you emotionally and verbally and physically- she turns it all around and now has you come begging and apologizing.
That to me, IS the essence if abuse in general.
You are left puzzled, googling 'domestic violence' and asking here if you are at fault- which usually means "No' you are reflecting, worried about your own behavior (which is VERY good) and want to find solutions.
We cannot change other people - we can only change ourselves.
If she does not agree to therapy, maybe you can go see a counselor yourself for a few sessions- I always highly recommend that. Google 'red flags/warning signs of a bad counselor' first to get an overview of what to expect, what not to tolerate and how to make a good choice for this very personal relationship with a counselor.
I hope this helped and keep on reading some resources id that feels comfortable. I hope things turn out ok for you guys.
We are here if you need an ear, anytime.
|
|
|
|
Post by depressed on Sept 23, 2014 13:27:57 GMT
Thanks for your excellent & very insightful and helpful reply Janine.
Yes, I agree that it is not at all normal for someone to out of the blue start choking someone - an absolute red flag. I was more shocked than scared at the time because as I say she had never laid a hand on me before and this was completely unusual for her.
I should also have said that with her previous boyfriend, she slashed his tyres when SHE ended it & made him out to be an 'arse' as she put it.
She has also threatened every one of her younger sister (who she is very protective of) boyfriends that if they ever wrong her, then they will have my fiancé to answer to - scary!
She's also hit our puppy dog on the nose to eliminate his playful nipping. I have suggested a stern "no" would be sufficient for the dog to know that he's not to nip but she would just sulk & say what do you know about dogs.
I am amazed that she has not shown any remorse for choking me (which left bruises on my neck for a few days after & I took photos of), she has not apologised nor has she acknowledged that she started the whole incident.
I am very upset with my self that when I lashed out, it got her on the nose & I do feel bad for that but she just can't seem to accept my sorrow for that & is making me feel like it is all my fault.
I would love to keep chatting with all you guys here to help me through this, thanks.
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Sept 23, 2014 14:42:28 GMT
Hitting animals is a big red flag.
So is slashing tires.
In fact I believe that shows YOU how you will be treated if you continue to walk down the relationship road with her. Often times abusers display verbal threats and aggressive beahvior towards others- but make sure YOU see what they are capable of when 'YOU upset them'.
If possible, see if you can get an appointment with a good counselor in your area to talk about this. I am concerned about your safety.
To leave bruises on someone's neck requires the application of a lot of physical force.
There are a couple of male members here who have experiences similar things, I am sure with time they will leave a good comment and advice here as well.
Nobody deserves to be treated this way. A relationship and especially marriage should be about safety, respect, physical well-being as well as emotional and spiritual safety.
|
|
|
|
Post by depressed on Sept 23, 2014 14:57:11 GMT
Sept 23, 2014 15:42:28 GMT 1 janine1984 said:
In fact I believe that shows YOU how you will be treated if you continue to walk down the relationship road with her. Often times abusers display verbal threats and aggressive beahvior towards others- but make sure YOU see what they are capable of when 'YOU upset them'.
You're right. I did at the back of my mind think that this could be a preview of 'what's to come' if I stay with her.
I still love her remarkably even after what she's done to me & I just want to be able to get her the help that she obviously requires. I suppose that she has to want to help herself and more importantly recognise that she has a problem.
Sept 23, 2014 15:42:28 GMT 1 janine1984 said:
To leave bruises on someone's neck requires the application of a lot of physical force.
I struggled to breath especially the first time & my neck was sore for a few days afterwards.
She is strong for a woman & is a bit of a Tomboy so that should give people an idea of her stature and personality.
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Sept 24, 2014 13:53:33 GMT
I can very much relate to 'wanting to help'. I believe all of us here and elsewhere, who experienced abuse, wanted to 'help/love' them out of "it".
In psychology this is called "codependency"- a good term to read up on. It is often used for drug/alcohol issues as well, for let's say a wife of an alcoholic.
"Detaching with love" is I found a great thing for abusive relationships too, as often we think we 'love' them just so much and would not leave them, as clearly 'they need help'. If you google that - it might help you further to work on your own point of view for now and see where you stand in all this.
Abuse is so complex. It is also an epidemic. I am taking a class right now with Emory University about latest statistics and findings- and it is...just shocking.
At the same time there is a LOT more help out there for victims than just 10 years ago, so that is the good news.
In fact medical doctors and surgeons have launched one of the biggest investigations and research projects in the USA and other Western countries, because intimate partner abuse is so out of hand all over and we are just starting to really understand it and make it a big topic. (You really just have to open the newspapers and see yet another celebrity beat his wife unconscious or batter their kids....)
For now I think you do great at reaching out for help for yourself. Keep doing that!
You do not have to make any big decisions today or tomorrow. Something very traumatic happened to you, and I am glad you took pictures of your neck and the bruises she left.
You have witnesses for the incident as well.
Just know in your heart and gut NOBODY should be treated like this - period. No minimizing, no belittling- choking is a serious physical assault.
Had a stranger walked up to you on the streets, I doubt you would say "Oh gosh, boys will be boys- plus that guy had a rough childhood and is really just insecure and needs help."
No. You would report it to the police, get a restraining order if necessary, or if that felt too traumatizing as well - you would stay far away from that person and never have any contact with them.
The mean thing about abuse is, at the time abusers become more and more violent, slowly and subtly, they already have you hooked on the nice persona they show at the start. So your brain tries to make sense out of this- and then you are being told YOU cannot be forgiven for defending yourself...how crazy-making is that!
Stay safe and we are here if you need an ear in the future. Abuse does not end. It escalates over time - usually after what we call "Honeymoon phase" in the cycle of abuse.
Of course we- and I do too- always wish it would not. That we just had an isolated incident and that things will go back to normal.
They just do not and the 'normal/nice' was a lie and illusion. So for me personally, I woke up one day realizing I did NOT miss the man who insulted me, hurt me, threatened me, 'joked' he would like to choke me to death....no.
No person would miss that in their right mind now would they??!!! Of course not.
What I missed was the illusion I had of him. The picture he painted of himself at the start- charming, fun, laid back....dangerous to others maybe, but NOT to me.
So letting go of that illusion took time....and healing....and boy did I push a lot of people away who saw what was going on long before I did. Denial and minimizing abuse done to us are very normal human reactions to trauma.
|
|
