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Post by MS on Sept 22, 2014 18:40:20 GMT
It had been 7 weeks with pretty much no contact. Then all of a sudden he texts me saying he wants to talk that he had decided to let me dictate the contact but said because he was silent didn't mean he didn't miss me or think about me every day. I didn't reply so about 4 days later he emailed me. He says he has time and space to think about everything and knows where we stand now. I emailed back because I got angry when I saw he took a close female friend to a wedding we had been invited to together when we were a couple. I said if he wanted to berate or hurt me again I wasn't interested and he said he never meant to hurt me that he wanted to see what we could do to fix this and quote 'I was hurting but I couldn't get you to see that.' I was so angry I replied reminding me he had ended it ten minutes after I found out my dad was seriously ill in hospital, calling me incapable and pathetic and after days of not talking to me after I got upset that he threatened to drown me whilst we were on holiday. He then replied saying as relationships are 50/50 he'll take at least half the blame for where we ended up and that he realises he was taking his stress out on me and being intolerable. He just said sorry about the timing. He then stated the days he was free to talk to which I replied a few days later with 'I'm busy those days so not sure that fits into your schedule?' His messages were all selfish and condescending and I can smell the manipulation a mile off (he messaged me aftery first full week back at school at 4pm on a Friday when I was tired and stressed). I have told my friends and family who have all said he is not even worth a reply. Which I know he isn't but the fact he just expects me to just talk to him and even get back together with him is making me so angry that I feel I just want to meet him to tell him where to go. I was so upset I couldn't go into work the next day and then I got seriously ill the next because I barely slept. I wrote a letter which I want to give to him and tell him to read it whilst I walk away and never ever look back. I know it's stupid and I know it'll probably make him angry but I just want him to know how I feel and how he has made me feel for three years now. I want to have the last word. I just feel so churned up right now. I was getting on fine and accepted the fact we would never speak again and then he just starts messaging me. I feel like I just want to erase it all  Sorry I just needed to vent and I think my friends are probably sick of hearing about it now and I feel so guilty talking about it. |
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Post by MS on Sept 22, 2014 18:42:26 GMT
He emailed again today saying we could meet this Thursday or this weekend. Not sure if he detected the sarcasm in my last reply or he really is delusional.
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 22, 2014 22:33:42 GMT
You are right on with you observation that he is already manipulating and controlling you again. That is why we recommend no contact.
I personally completely understand that desire to 'have the last word' and leave with a bold statement. But...I have to say - the boldest statement you can make- is by not contacting him anymore. 100% NO contact. If for an abuser the greatest achievement is controlling you and being in your mind and having you RE-act to HIS games, he 'wins'.
Once you stand your ground and react to nothing and know in your heart you are better than this, he will move on to an easier target. I also find that now with some distance (because I too wanted my revenge/payback/show him how little I cared and how low of a human being he was......) - you do understand in your heart that abusers are useless, sad worms. I do not mean this in a way of saying 'Awwww poor guy. He could not help himself but threaten to drown me and abuse me all this time" - I mean that if you are so sick, that you need to suffer, threaten and try to destroy another human being- you will NEVER EVER be happy, enjoy the company of a healthy, balanced partner, love to the fullest and give back a ton to leave a beautiful legacy- so that people at your grave cry out of joy for having known you.
He will never have this. He will never change. He will abuse one after one after one woman until the day he dies. Leaving nothing but a path of destruction, abuse, garbage and uselessness.
If I were you- knowing what I know now, having worked through my trauma with a therapist, here is what I would do (and I know this is maybe not an option for you and if, it will be extremely hard for you)
Do NOT see him Thursday or this weekend. Do NOT answer his calls or emails. In fact get rid of all contact details he has, get rid of his. That way in a weak moment you will not be tempted to do so. Stay away from alcohol for a while to have a clear mind and strong inhibition to act on temporary emotions. Get 8 hours of sleep (if you can), drinks lots and lots of water (it helps the stress level in your body) and reconnect with loving people that feel right, that make you feel good about yourself.
I say that now- please know back then i did the whole ride. I once wrote my Ex one angry email- telling him how he was a useless worm - how i will see him abuse one after the other- and how he is just a soul-less monster.
My therapist back then told me: "You cannot swing your sword of justice over his head for the rest of your life."
I had to swallow hard hearing this- but...it has helped me to understand that the kindest and most compassionate gift I could give to myself- was the self-love I lacked. To accept I felt anger, hatred, the wish of revenge (oh boy am I glad now I did NOT walk around his expensive car with my car keys accidentally scratching all sides...) - the wish to contact him etc.
It is human....it is normal to feel this way. It is actually I find a very normal reaction to a very traumatic and not-normal situation.
It is also not helping to heal to act on those temporary emotions. My therapist helped me to find healthier ways to channels my anger, hate, aggression towards the injustice, wanting closure, wanting to 'show him one last time i got the last word'---....all that.
You will be ok. He will not matter very soon and you will heal and move on, meet a wonderful man who would NEVER do any of this.
Have you read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft
"Jerk Radar" by Steve McCrea
"Invisible heroes" by Belleruth Naparstek?
My therapist recommended me two of those and also the "guided imagery" audio files you can get via Dr/ Belleruth Naparstel's website. That kind of therapy is used with for example war veterans who suffer from trauma and active military members.
Be proud how far you have come in healing. Even IF you meet him, throw rotten eggs at him, send that drunk email- it is OK.
But know that long you want to be loving towards yourself and not spend one more second giving this manipulative worm your energy.
He will charm and groom his next victim anyways.
They never change. They never see what went wrong.
Let him go to do what abusers do. You now carry the gift to know about abuse, to read the early warning red flags, to be aware that intimate dating can be a dangerous and critical situation, that needs all your attention and careful selection.
I am very impressed with your insightful understanding of his abuse. Way to go!
This was never your fault.
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Post by kann1 on Oct 10, 2014 11:01:14 GMT
MS thank you for your post..I know exactly how you feel! I have written several versions of an e-mail telling my ex-boyfriend how horrible he is and so on. I am not someone who seeks revenge...I have always been one to "turn a cheek" to mean, vengeful people, so that feeling is not natural for me..I always believe that I would be "no better than they are" if I did get revenge. My ex is an expert at revenge...he knows how to do it and that alone is someone I don't want to be around. My ex does not have love in his heart..and he is not open to learning what it is..so my efforts are useless.
Part of me wants to tell him off...the other part of me has that feeling of dread and knowing that he will start right back in with telling me off, the threats will start, the accusations, and I so do not want to go backwards..I have talked to him 3 times in the last 5 weeks...it set me back everytime. Not worth it...the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I am choosing not to be insane, but to love myself and respect myself...I can't go backwards anymore...I have been with 2 men...both major romances(one I married for 20 years and now am divorcing, then the boyfriend who I thought was my knight in shining armour). I am not giving that power to anyone anymore to hurt me...that isn't love.
Janine is right...talking to him or contacting him is exactly what he wants..he knows he will hook you, the best thing you can do is ignore him... and I know how hard that is..because I too have thought of many scenarios where I could "accidently run into him" so I could see him. He wants you to talk to him..don't give him what he wants. You have worked so hard to move on...don't go backwards... and he honestly doesn't deserve a good kind person like you!
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Sorry I just needed to vent and I think my friends are probably sick of hearing about it now and I feel so guilty talking about it. 
