My mum hasn't supported me! :(

Hey lozza.19 and welcome here,

I am sorry to hear your mother did not show compassion for your serious abuse experience, and did not support you during your recovery period.
It is very understandable that you feel as if your relationship with her will not be the same from here on out.

Since she is not there for you right now, could you call a domestic violence hotline and/or a local DV shelter? Both will be able to give you free advice on what servoces they have for you. Having survived rape and other severe abuse as you described can cause post traumatic stress, and might still keep you from living your life to the fullest. Those people at the hotlines can tell you what is out there for you in your area. They can help you get free counseling, maybe group therapy, if you would like support for your education, financial problems etc. and they can also give you professional advice on the legal situation. If you can still press charges, they can help you.

As for your 'friends' who still talk to your ex abuser and rapist, -- I found personally that I had to rethink many friendships and also family relationships during the time after leaving my abusive ex boyfriend. Some 'friends' kept on seeing him and hanging out to have drinks- and they would tell me "Can't you just get OVER it? It is in in the past."

I bet you understand how painful that is- and how you feel more and more isolated. I felt like I was going crazy, like maybe I had just imagined it all to be as bad as it was. Then I realized there was NOTHING wrong with me.

It was certain 'friends' I had to cut out of my life for good. Someone who does not believe me or stands by my side through abuse, has no place in my life. It was very hard, but I feel like I also made room to invite more kind, compassionate and honest people into my life since. I also felt like my mother was not there for me at all when I got out of the abuse- she made it all about herself, did not call me once while I was preparing for court to go against my Ex and then cried how hard all of this was for 'HER'-- all this time I felt - well...where am I in this mom? Don't you see IAM the victim, I deserve to be helped and understood, this is NOT about you for once!!!"

What you experienced was what we call in psychology 'secondary victimization' --when family or friends add to the initial abuse by denying it, minimizing it (trying to convince you that it was not all that bad and he is a good guy but got carried away with passion/love/has anger issues etc. and 'need help'.)

The last one I find always especially frustrating. It seemed to me a lot of people focused on HIM- and I see it in the media as well. If a man beats his wife or girlfriend or kills her and the kids, they all go crazy about 'what made him do it' instead of finally understanding that they do it because they choose to, and that abusers never change. The real attention should go to the victim, the support as well.

Reach out to those hotlines- you do not have to give them your name or anything. They are happy to help and it will feel like a relief to talk to a professional on the phone.
I can also recommend you two books- that help prevent that you date another abuser in the future, and to understand why some people supported your Ex and not you.

1. 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft
2. 'Jerk Radar' Steve McCrea


We are here. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story!

While you mother's reply seems a bit callous, perhaps she wants to save you the trauma of reliving the nastiness. It can be harrowing having to give evidence in court, if it gets to this, and you would certainly have to listen while the defence side tried to blacken your reputation. This is not a reason not to do it, of course. The sort of louse who would treat his girlfriend so badly should not be allowed to get away with it and continue doing it to other women. Still, following through on these things can take a lot of courage and stamina and perhaps your mum is just protecting you.

I agree with the advice to talk to a counsellor or hotline and to think it through following professional advice. Good luck with your decision.