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Post by Worrier on Sept 20, 2014 22:19:09 GMT
I have been in a controlling relationship for 11 years. We have 3 beautiful boys together. He has been very controlling and I am frightened to leave and what to say to him. He is controlling in the respect that: if I go anywhere it's with his permission. He wants to know who I've seen, what I have talked about etc. he tells me what I can/can't wear as he thinks my breasts are "sticking out". So I have worn sports type bras to strap them down. My tops have to be high too - no cleavage allowed. I have lost all my friends. Made millions of excuses for everything. I'm not allowed to go out to socialise. I feel isolated and trapped. He is an angry person and I can't deal with confrontation. He hasn't hit me for 8 years but that's all still in my memory. We have separated but he refuses to leave the family home as he is on tenancy. It's all just a big mess and I don't know what to say to him any more. He is in denial without a doubt. If I was to even say hello to another male then I would be for the high jump. I have been offers a winter let but not until nov. The trouble is that he is close to our youngest son. He turns everything around making it my fault that I have turned this family into a broken one. I don't love this man and haven't done for a long time. But I still can't find the right words that will make him stop and think before he goes into his "mood". I don't know. I guess I will get there one day.
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Post by thistle on Sept 21, 2014 2:42:45 GMT
Sorry but you will never get him to stop and think because this is the way he is and he sees nothing wrong with it. Abusers are like over-grown toddlers - very self-absorbed - and whatever goes wrong, it is never, ever their fault. Something did not develop in their brain when they were growing up so all the arguments, discussions, information you hand them will never sink in and they will never see any need to change. Very frustrating for us and I think we use so much of our energy trying to make sense of the senseless that it is no wonder we often feel defeated. The only advice I can give you is to get away from him any which way you can. If he won't move, perhaps you can. It is no sort of life for you being controlled like a recalcitrant child and truly, he will keep moving the goal posts anyway so you will never, ever please him. Despite his closeness to the youngest child, it is probably better for the child too, to get away from him. The influence he will have on those boys is not a healthy one. It is not a good lesson for them to learn that the woman who should be the most important in their father's life can be treated so badly.
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janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185 
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Post by janine on Sept 21, 2014 13:42:20 GMT
Hey Worrier and welcome here,
Thank you for being so brave to share your story, it is never easy to talk about abuse in our own homes I find.
You definitely do not deserve to be treated like he chooses to treat you and it is NOT your fault. It never was your fault. He chooses to abuse and control you because this is ALL about control for him.
Now one thing we can do, - when we accept we cannot change another person- is to help ourselves. And you are doing this already by reaching out to us. Please make sure you use a safe computer- delete your browser history and do not access domestic violence websites from your home if you have ANY doubt he checks up on your internet activities as well.
Have you ever thought about maybe reaching out to a DV hotline or shelter? You do not have to give them your personal details, you can just call, (again only from a SAFE phone...) and chat with a professional counselor about your worries and concerns. Involving professional support is very helpful and I have heard a ton of great things from victims who reached out to shelters and hotlines.
What keeps you from leaving him? (besides the reasons you mentioned of course- and believe me I understand very, very well that 'just leave him' is NOT easy and that you have in your mind and heart valid reasons that made you stay this long.) You do not have to answer to me or us or anyone- just for yourself, maybe think a bit about how the past ten years have been, and how the next ten years COULD be if he was not controlling you, if you had a safe home, friends, social life, were complimented on your looks and felt safe and loved and appreciated.
I am looking forward to hearing if the hotline or shelter contact went well and how you felt about it, if it felt like the right thing to do right now. All they do is really give you a great menu of free support options. From offering free counseling, to money, housing, job, legal help etc. Again, YOU choose what to do and what not to do. The power is in your hands, you are behind the wheel here when it comes to contacting professional help.
We are here.
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