Post by liveinhope on Sept 17, 2014 22:28:59 GMT
I am in a marriage and have been feeling very upset and depressed over the last few years. I'm not sure if it is emotional abuse, but don't really know what to do. Basically the main problem has been from the fact my wife had a daughter from a previous relationship and she never has accepted me although I have always just wanted to try to get along with her. She is now 17 and basically is very rude to me (maybe not unusual for teenagers?), she won't talk to me directly if she wants me to do something and if I talk to her she puts her fingers in her ears and sings. She won't eat food or touch a plate if she thinks I have touched it and climbs over furniture to avoid moving anywhere close to me. Being under pressure with exams, my wife wants to support her and if I ever say something about her being rude to me, my wife always takes her side and tells me to go out the room if I argue about it. If I simply say that it is not ok to speak rudely to me, she will start screaming and my wife will tell me crossly 'can't you see you've upset her' and tell me to go downstairs (where the bedroom is) and stay there - sometimes for several hours and then she will not talk to me or let me go upstairs to the kitchen to even get water. When I get upset about this she says I am over emotional and if I want food or drink I shouldn't feel sorry for myself and I could go out to the shops and get something.
I have a young son with my wife, who I get along with very well. At mealtimes my stepdaughter will not eat with me in the same room so I never can eat a meal at a table with my wife as she tells me to go in another room to eat so her daughter will eat her food. I got particularly upset recently as my wife had a good friend around for a birthday drink this evening as as soon as Miriam came into the house I was told to go out the room so that Miriam could stay in the room with her. I feel extremely rejected and powerless in the relationship - my wife says if I don't like how things are then it doesn't look good for my future with her and I should just fit in as I knew she had a child when I met her. Over the last year she has been more and more emotionally withdrawn from me. When I go out to a class in the evening or for work she gives me a hard time and says how difficult it is to handle the kids when i am not there and most times I want to do something she says that it is not good timing.
Recently my stepdaughter had AS level exams and for 3 months we were not allowed to talk in the house and if we whispered too loudly my stepdaughter would come down the stairs screaming we were making too much noise and are selfish. My wife would then be unpleasant to me saying that I need to build her respect and making noise is showing I don't care. My stepdaughter has often told me how much she hates me and how repulsive I am and that I don't deserve any respect from her. A couple of months ago we were whispering a bit too loudly and my stepdaughter came downstairs screaming and said she wished she had a gun and could kill all of us for being so selfish.
A couple of weeks later she came into the living room and told my wife to 'tell them to get out the room' (she won't talk to me directly) and I started to get my things together to go out of the room. She then cam into the room and shouted 'hurry up' - I said I was just getting my things and then she shouted 'shut up'. I said that I realised she is working hard and it is also still important to speak nicely. She then started screaming at me how repulsive I am and then said she wanted to kill me. My wife told me off for upsetting her and sent me downstairs. I ended up feeling totally helpless and scared at what I had been told.
A few weeks ago my stepdaughter was very rude to me and I said something about speaking nicely. I was sent downstairs by my wi as often happens and felt quite upset. I started to get really thirsty after about an hour and have been getting panic attacks about going to get a drink in these situations. In fact for several years I have felt anxious about being in the house because I am afraid of being yelled at by my stepdaughter and treated unpleasantly by my wife. Anyway, I finally decided I would just go upstairs to get some water and went into the kitchen - my stepdaughter was sitting on a stool near the sink. She gets angry if I talk to her so I thought I would go around her and get the water filter. I decided I would say excuse me because I would have to move a little too close and she screamed how rude I was and I barged her out the way. As she said it she moved away to another side of the kitchen. I said I didn't barge her I was this distance from her and moved about 2 feet from her to show that I wasn't that close. She then took out a knife and scissors from a rack and screamed 'get away from me, you are repulsive' - I moved away immediately and then she screamed 'I'm going to kill you'. I thought she was going to throw the knife and I said I would phone the police if she didn't put the knife down. My wife told me if I phoned the police it would be the end of our relationship forever, and then she told me to go downstairs.
She then made me move out for a few weeks - my wife is so defensive of her daughter she never seems to hear or see the behaviour. In this case she then started denying that her daughter had a knife and said I acted aggressively towards her. My son was crying most days - he told me now I was not there his sister was picking on him and being really nasty to him. Since then it is almost as though my wife has been 'brainwashed' by all the nasty things my stepdaughter says about me and she repeats them to me as though they are true, such as I dominate the living room (because I sometimes go in there and my stepdaughter will not do in a room if I am there) and how I spend too much time with my son etc.
I have moved back into the house almost 3 weeks ago, however during mornings, evenings and weekends I am not allowed to go upstairs when my stepdaughter is there, which means I spend most of my time sitting on the bed, where there isn't even a TV. In the weekends I am told I am not even allowed to go upstairs to make breakfast and when I express not being happy about this am told that I should stop feeling sorry for myself and shouldn't complain because I can go out and get breakfast. I get some food brought down to me in the evening which i eat on my own sitting on the bed. On this last Sunday I had had enough I just said I was going upstairs to get breakfast - my wife follows me upstairs and keeps telling me crossly to go downstairs. I said I would go downstairs if she promised to see the doctor with me. She told me not to push her into doing things. I said that even though she didn't mean to I felt she was abusing me emotionally and this was wrong and that on the radio her father had told me about how emotional abuse was possibly to be considered at some point an offense like physical abuse and she told me to stop saying nasty things and threats. My purpose was to try to get her to be aware of how her actions were affecting me, not to threaten. I just don't think she can see beyond her and her daughter's concerns now. I am getting hungry and not drinking enough because I have not freedom to go into the kitchen - I lost a stone in the last 3 weeks.
My wife is so adamant that I shouldn't react the way I am to these things and I need to apologise to my stepdaughter and do what she says. My wife is an intelligent and usually nice person, so when she blames me for everything and says I should stop feeling sorry for myself, I don't know any more if what I am describing is not right/abusive and whether I am just messed up for getting depressed about the way I feel I am treated. My wife had a psychotic episode and 16 months ago due to lack of sleep, and at the moment it almost feels like she is in a different reality. I have tried to get her to encourage my stepdaughter and us to get a family intervention over the last few years, however she says that she is too busy. We went on a great parenting course where they talked about creating a 'respect' contract, however my wife was clear it didn't apply in our case because it is to do with a step family and I haven't earned my stepdaughter's respect.
I actually sent flowers with an apology after the incident, but they were thrown out and my wife was angry with me because my stepdaughter told her how disgusting the flowers were. Anything I do to try to be kind to my stepdaughter is always interpreted in a nasty way. I'm also aware that in the past I have apologised to my stepdaughter (after she has been really nasty to me and I have just asked her to please speak nicely) - and each time things get worse because she tells her mum that my apologies are all lies because I don't change and basically not speak/be in the room/make any noise etc.
We used to have a very good relationship, but now I am at the end of my tether! I just don't know what to do. If I try to talk about things with her she tells me it feels like I am 'pushing' her and that it makes her want to be with me less. I get blamed for most things that don't work or if something gets broken in the house and any time I try to express an opinion about something she gets angry with me.
I feel stuck - one part of me really wants to get out because the frequent upset feels like it is killing me, but on the other hand our son is a really happy child and I try to keep all this away from him. He really loves his mother and splitting up would be really difficult for him. Also I would dread him ending living with his mother and sister as his mother gives little attention to him and his sister often hurts him and gets him in trouble with his mother for things he didn't do. I also would struggle to survive financially if I split up.
When I tell some of my friends what is happening they find it hard to believe it and think I am exaggerating - however what I have said here is just a small amount of what happens. Does this behaviour sound abusive or am I just overreacting? My wife has told me so much that I am just messed up that I am beginning to doubt what I feel is right.
I have a young son with my wife, who I get along with very well. At mealtimes my stepdaughter will not eat with me in the same room so I never can eat a meal at a table with my wife as she tells me to go in another room to eat so her daughter will eat her food. I got particularly upset recently as my wife had a good friend around for a birthday drink this evening as as soon as Miriam came into the house I was told to go out the room so that Miriam could stay in the room with her. I feel extremely rejected and powerless in the relationship - my wife says if I don't like how things are then it doesn't look good for my future with her and I should just fit in as I knew she had a child when I met her. Over the last year she has been more and more emotionally withdrawn from me. When I go out to a class in the evening or for work she gives me a hard time and says how difficult it is to handle the kids when i am not there and most times I want to do something she says that it is not good timing.
Recently my stepdaughter had AS level exams and for 3 months we were not allowed to talk in the house and if we whispered too loudly my stepdaughter would come down the stairs screaming we were making too much noise and are selfish. My wife would then be unpleasant to me saying that I need to build her respect and making noise is showing I don't care. My stepdaughter has often told me how much she hates me and how repulsive I am and that I don't deserve any respect from her. A couple of months ago we were whispering a bit too loudly and my stepdaughter came downstairs screaming and said she wished she had a gun and could kill all of us for being so selfish.
A couple of weeks later she came into the living room and told my wife to 'tell them to get out the room' (she won't talk to me directly) and I started to get my things together to go out of the room. She then cam into the room and shouted 'hurry up' - I said I was just getting my things and then she shouted 'shut up'. I said that I realised she is working hard and it is also still important to speak nicely. She then started screaming at me how repulsive I am and then said she wanted to kill me. My wife told me off for upsetting her and sent me downstairs. I ended up feeling totally helpless and scared at what I had been told.
A few weeks ago my stepdaughter was very rude to me and I said something about speaking nicely. I was sent downstairs by my wi as often happens and felt quite upset. I started to get really thirsty after about an hour and have been getting panic attacks about going to get a drink in these situations. In fact for several years I have felt anxious about being in the house because I am afraid of being yelled at by my stepdaughter and treated unpleasantly by my wife. Anyway, I finally decided I would just go upstairs to get some water and went into the kitchen - my stepdaughter was sitting on a stool near the sink. She gets angry if I talk to her so I thought I would go around her and get the water filter. I decided I would say excuse me because I would have to move a little too close and she screamed how rude I was and I barged her out the way. As she said it she moved away to another side of the kitchen. I said I didn't barge her I was this distance from her and moved about 2 feet from her to show that I wasn't that close. She then took out a knife and scissors from a rack and screamed 'get away from me, you are repulsive' - I moved away immediately and then she screamed 'I'm going to kill you'. I thought she was going to throw the knife and I said I would phone the police if she didn't put the knife down. My wife told me if I phoned the police it would be the end of our relationship forever, and then she told me to go downstairs.
She then made me move out for a few weeks - my wife is so defensive of her daughter she never seems to hear or see the behaviour. In this case she then started denying that her daughter had a knife and said I acted aggressively towards her. My son was crying most days - he told me now I was not there his sister was picking on him and being really nasty to him. Since then it is almost as though my wife has been 'brainwashed' by all the nasty things my stepdaughter says about me and she repeats them to me as though they are true, such as I dominate the living room (because I sometimes go in there and my stepdaughter will not do in a room if I am there) and how I spend too much time with my son etc.
I have moved back into the house almost 3 weeks ago, however during mornings, evenings and weekends I am not allowed to go upstairs when my stepdaughter is there, which means I spend most of my time sitting on the bed, where there isn't even a TV. In the weekends I am told I am not even allowed to go upstairs to make breakfast and when I express not being happy about this am told that I should stop feeling sorry for myself and shouldn't complain because I can go out and get breakfast. I get some food brought down to me in the evening which i eat on my own sitting on the bed. On this last Sunday I had had enough I just said I was going upstairs to get breakfast - my wife follows me upstairs and keeps telling me crossly to go downstairs. I said I would go downstairs if she promised to see the doctor with me. She told me not to push her into doing things. I said that even though she didn't mean to I felt she was abusing me emotionally and this was wrong and that on the radio her father had told me about how emotional abuse was possibly to be considered at some point an offense like physical abuse and she told me to stop saying nasty things and threats. My purpose was to try to get her to be aware of how her actions were affecting me, not to threaten. I just don't think she can see beyond her and her daughter's concerns now. I am getting hungry and not drinking enough because I have not freedom to go into the kitchen - I lost a stone in the last 3 weeks.
My wife is so adamant that I shouldn't react the way I am to these things and I need to apologise to my stepdaughter and do what she says. My wife is an intelligent and usually nice person, so when she blames me for everything and says I should stop feeling sorry for myself, I don't know any more if what I am describing is not right/abusive and whether I am just messed up for getting depressed about the way I feel I am treated. My wife had a psychotic episode and 16 months ago due to lack of sleep, and at the moment it almost feels like she is in a different reality. I have tried to get her to encourage my stepdaughter and us to get a family intervention over the last few years, however she says that she is too busy. We went on a great parenting course where they talked about creating a 'respect' contract, however my wife was clear it didn't apply in our case because it is to do with a step family and I haven't earned my stepdaughter's respect.
I actually sent flowers with an apology after the incident, but they were thrown out and my wife was angry with me because my stepdaughter told her how disgusting the flowers were. Anything I do to try to be kind to my stepdaughter is always interpreted in a nasty way. I'm also aware that in the past I have apologised to my stepdaughter (after she has been really nasty to me and I have just asked her to please speak nicely) - and each time things get worse because she tells her mum that my apologies are all lies because I don't change and basically not speak/be in the room/make any noise etc.
We used to have a very good relationship, but now I am at the end of my tether! I just don't know what to do. If I try to talk about things with her she tells me it feels like I am 'pushing' her and that it makes her want to be with me less. I get blamed for most things that don't work or if something gets broken in the house and any time I try to express an opinion about something she gets angry with me.
I feel stuck - one part of me really wants to get out because the frequent upset feels like it is killing me, but on the other hand our son is a really happy child and I try to keep all this away from him. He really loves his mother and splitting up would be really difficult for him. Also I would dread him ending living with his mother and sister as his mother gives little attention to him and his sister often hurts him and gets him in trouble with his mother for things he didn't do. I also would struggle to survive financially if I split up.
When I tell some of my friends what is happening they find it hard to believe it and think I am exaggerating - however what I have said here is just a small amount of what happens. Does this behaviour sound abusive or am I just overreacting? My wife has told me so much that I am just messed up that I am beginning to doubt what I feel is right.
