Post by Broken Wing on Sept 15, 2014 6:41:28 GMT
Why is it so hard to trust again? I've been away from my abuser for 16 months now. I was with him for 4 years. Now I've been seeing someone new for 5 months and it feels like I'm blowing it. He says he's not going anywhere, but I can tell he doesn't know what to do sometimes. I want to trust him, stop overreacting, and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, but no matter how much I tell myself I'm going to react differently, it's always the same. My ex used to starve me. Tap water and iceberg lettuce. That was all I was allowed. To this day, I can't be near iceberg lettuce. If it touches my food, oh, forget it. Childish, I know, but it really makes me physically ill.. About the last 8-9 months before I got away for good, he was out of work and home all the time. I had tried to leave and he caught me. He denied me food for a week. After that, it was whenever he thought I was thinking about trying to leave, or I was planning something. He became very paranoid. The longest he starved me was 17 days. I was so out of it, I woke up black and blue one morning and I didn't remember the beating at all. Even when there were times I only remembered bits and pieces, he'd say I was crazy and he hadn't touched me. It was, "Don't you remember? You tripped over that chair." I felt like I was losing my mind. I still wonder I he wasn't drugging me or something. Even going a week, 2 weeks with nothing but lettuce, to have huge patches of time where I didn't remember anything at all, seems odd to me. But I guess I'll never know. He served 120 days in jail, that was all, and that was only because he'd fractured my wrist. And now he's moved on with someone new. Poor girl.
When I got away the last time, I weighed 38kg. Now, I'm nearer to 45, but I still have trouble keeping weight on. I can't eat normal-sized meals or I get sick. So I'm supposed to eat at least six times a day, but the anxiety gets me to where eating is the last thing on my mind. So my partner will remind me. I actually asked him to. He's very sweet and gentle about it, but sometimes I feel this anger and fear rising up in me. I feel like he's trying to control me, tell me what to do, even though in my head I know that's not the case at all. I've yelled at him, and then after he retreats, I feel awful and apologize. But eventually, it happens again, and I wonder how long I can realistically expect him to put up with my craziness. When he reaches out to touch me, I tense up, and he can feel it. After a minute or two, I will relax, but that's my initial reaction. If he reaches too quickly, I startle. He once reached past me to straighten a picture on the wall, and I almost had a panic attack. Started crying, the whole bit. He felt awful. I've been going to counseling, but I've been through several different ones. The techniques they give me seem to work temporarily, but then it feels like gradually they stop being as effective. I don't want my partner to think I'm not trying, so I keep looking for the right counselor, the right method, for something that might help long-term but somehow I keep ending up short. Mentally and emotionally, sometimes I feel worse off now than I was when I was with my ex. I just wish I could get over this hurdle and start feeling normal again.
When I got away the last time, I weighed 38kg. Now, I'm nearer to 45, but I still have trouble keeping weight on. I can't eat normal-sized meals or I get sick. So I'm supposed to eat at least six times a day, but the anxiety gets me to where eating is the last thing on my mind. So my partner will remind me. I actually asked him to. He's very sweet and gentle about it, but sometimes I feel this anger and fear rising up in me. I feel like he's trying to control me, tell me what to do, even though in my head I know that's not the case at all. I've yelled at him, and then after he retreats, I feel awful and apologize. But eventually, it happens again, and I wonder how long I can realistically expect him to put up with my craziness. When he reaches out to touch me, I tense up, and he can feel it. After a minute or two, I will relax, but that's my initial reaction. If he reaches too quickly, I startle. He once reached past me to straighten a picture on the wall, and I almost had a panic attack. Started crying, the whole bit. He felt awful. I've been going to counseling, but I've been through several different ones. The techniques they give me seem to work temporarily, but then it feels like gradually they stop being as effective. I don't want my partner to think I'm not trying, so I keep looking for the right counselor, the right method, for something that might help long-term but somehow I keep ending up short. Mentally and emotionally, sometimes I feel worse off now than I was when I was with my ex. I just wish I could get over this hurdle and start feeling normal again.