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Post by TWP on Sept 11, 2014 6:19:16 GMT
Thank you for all the support last week. I am back at work now and feeling better for it, but I keep having anxiety attacks over the silliest things.
He tried to call on Monday, twice. I didn't call back. I answered on Tuesday; and he apologised. He took responsibility for it all and cried a lot. A letter arrived in the post yesterday, again apologising and taking full responsibility for himself.
I believe that he really does feel bad, and he has made no effort to talk me into going back. I am trying to get my head around it all at the moment.
I am continuing to look for a new dance partner, and have no plans to go back. I am just trying to work out whether I should speak to him again.
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 11, 2014 6:45:25 GMT
He is not sorry. It is his way to already groom you back into his control. This over reaction of calls and a letter etc. and the crocodile tears have one goal-- distract YOU from what he chose to do to abuse you, and to get all the attention yet again by playing pity party.
It is understandable you might feel confused now, maybe even missing him/craving his voice, presence etc. We all did I am sure after leaving one way or the other.
It is part of leaving to experience this.
That is why no contact is of the essence. Otherwise he still abuses you.
I found it helpful to read my old posts here whenever I felt tempted to go back or pick up that phone....it helps to realize the danger you will be in if you choose to do so.
we understand and are here.no matter what you do or do not do.
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Post by TWP on Sept 12, 2014 6:23:01 GMT
Thanks Janine, if anyone knows how hard and painful all of this is, it is everyone here. I sometime wonder if I will ever stop crying.
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Post by TWP on Sept 13, 2014 6:24:24 GMT
I spoke to him one last time yesterday. It was probably one of the most honest conversations we have ever had; he took the time to listen to my pain and disappointment, and apologised for his behaviour again and again. He was the one that was telling me that there was no going back after what he had done, although in the cold light of day, possibly more because my friends, colleagues and family all knew what he had done.
We both agreed that we are going our separate ways, and I am going to miss him terribly.
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 13, 2014 14:00:26 GMT
I totally get how this feels. My Ex too listened and apologized and kept saying things like "You are too good for me" and "I do not deserve a woman like you" etc.
In the end just tell yourself there is No shame.
It is NOT your fault you miss a man who mislead you. Abusers are great con-artists. My Ex is still out there, fooling one amazing woman after the other into his lies. Only to wake up months/years later with the same trauma and confusion I had.
We understand that you miss him. In the end leaving an abuser is in my opinion harder than a normal breakup. You never get closure because their apologies may seem sincere- and it feels sooooo good when they 'say all the right things" (Read Carolina's recent entry on her experience with that if you feel comfortable doing that) -- and we WANT it to be true!!!!
Because finally life and we make sense again for a split second.
Once they have you back though, it does not take much for the open abuse to creep back in. Often times abusers start abusing even worse once you left and come back, with less "honeymoon phase' between the tension building and violent outburst phase.
Have you been looking into finding a counselor or support groups maybe? Having left an abusive relationship just now leaves you at a higher risk to date an abuser again, or fall back into wanting to be with the Ex. It is normal....
And the good news is you are informed now about abuse. He cannot fool you anymore because even if you choose more contact with him, I promise you he WILL show his abusive side again. And then you will be much faster at the point where you realize what is going on and leave him.
"Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft
"Invisible Heroes" by Belleruth Naparstek are great books to read during this time- and help you understand what your body is going through as well.
hang in there, read again what he did to you.
THAT is the man. Not the crocodile tears guy on the phone.
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Post by TWP on Sept 15, 2014 6:10:24 GMT
How do you get through this? I don't think I have ever been in so much pain and confusion. I nearly called again last night - I didn't, I cried so much. I still want to wake up all curled up in the morning, feeling loved and safe, like I was 3 years ago.
Intellectually I know from what he has said, that his underlying thought patterns haven't changed; saying that it was no-one else's business what went on between us, and using the fact that people now knew as to why he didn't think there was a way forward.
Everyone has been lovely, I am getting lots of interest for a dance partner, but it is very scary. It has been over 6 years since I have danced with anyone else.
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 15, 2014 14:44:34 GMT
I remember the pain and confusion very well and can promise you with time and healing and a good therapist, this phase passes by very quickly. Wanting to call him and missing him etc. is very normal. There are tons of experiences on our board alone where a victim got away but then believed the tears and begging and promising words and goes back. In average I think studies have shown it takes about 7 times for a victim of DV to leave completely.
Some leave after one attempt, some two- it took me three times really and a lot of moments when I wanted, but did not. But I ended up coming back once after even moving away and felt so guilty towards my friends and family who knew.
Maybe it would help if you tell us again about the incident of his abuse? Only if that feels comfortable though and does not make you feel more anxious. It helped me to write it all out whenever I felt like picking up the phone, meeting my Ex secretely- (abuse grows in isolation so I a not surprised he said "it is no-one else's business what is going on between you and me')
What abusers want is to be the only source for everything. Your every joyful moment, but also the scared, hurt, attacked moments of confusion. If the abuse then is not there for a while openly, you still crave the good times, like right now, and your brain is trying to make sense of it all.
If you read 'Invisible Heroes" by Belleruth Naparstek you will find very good and broken down explanations about what exactly happens in your brain when you are traumatized by physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual or verbal abuse. It helped me to know "Ok what I think or feel right NOW, is NOT who I am."
If you can find a moment to sit back and watch your emotions come in and leave again, you will see they are like a busy train station. There must have been (even tiniest) moments when you did not think of him, when you had a good laugh with a friend, a clam shower, a good movie show,--anything really that felt good and where you felt ok. And the dark thought and emotions leave and come just like trains. You watch them depart, you watch them arrive, with a distanced, neutral eye of observation.
You can greet the dark moments even and say to yourself or out loud: "I see you anxiety and I welcome you to stay and teach me what I need to learn, but then I also invite you to say goodbye and make space for feelings that are easier to digest, like joy, happiness, hope, trust, faith....'
I will go back and read your initial entries to make sure I remember correctly what he did- I believe there were public incidents even where he threw you around the dancing hall in front of others? When abusers show such an extreme violence in public, they are often very dangerous at home too long term, as they already lost all respect for you and feel invincible.
What he really said to you that day can be more compared to a wild, angry chimpanzee screaming:
"Look, I CAN do whatever I want with you. Nobody will help you. I can throw and hurt you in public and you still come crawling back to me."
When you felt loved and safe 3 years ago, he was already grooming you to be the victim who would tolerate and crave his attention- because he created a dysfunctional and sick traumatic bond between you two, carefully and slowly.
Had he thrown you around and treated you like the did on the first date- would you have stayed
Then why would you allow him to do that now?
Because he chose to be charming and kind and funny and everything you ever wanted- the love you did not get maybe from a parent- or an unhealed trauma from the past. He may have even listened to your most private thoughts and you believed he cared. Then having this person turn around and use everything he knows about you against you, hurts.
I found that my Ex was smart with words and quick to repair the damage when he saw he went too soon too far. "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft was by far the best book I got my hands on back then- and even though I wrote my Ex emails after reading it I remember losing respect an total interest in him after 2-3 emails from him. I finally saw through his games, understood his words were empty shells and I stopped repeating the same patterns with the same outcome.
It really is a bit like a drug addiction. If it is detrimental to your health, why am I still doing it?
My HEAD knew all of the above....but had my friends or family or professors seen me frantically searching for my Ex online, sending him an email after a bottle of wine....I dont know what they would have thought. It also does not matter anymore-- dealing with trauma is HARD.
I did not need more shame back then or guilt- what I needed was help.
Support of people who understood "Just leave him"-- is NOT as easy as the head would like it to be intellectually
Nobody likes to be abused. I did not ask for it, you did not ask for it.
It was not your fault, ever. Period.
Feeling like you miss and love him, like you will never feel as loved and safe is OK and normal!!!!
I have compassion for your situation and know you will get through this TWP.
Any news on seeing a therapist once or more a week for a while maybe to get some extra support on board for the healing journey?
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Post by TWP on Sept 23, 2014 6:11:01 GMT
I met him on Sunday. My friend told me I was a complete idiot and got very angry with me, but I felt I needed to do it. It had knocked me back quite a bit, but I am glad that I did it.
He had been apologising and taking responsibility. I had put him on to a nearby charity that could help him and he had been in touch. He had also started questioning his overall life choices, so I had wanted to see if there were genuinely chances we could stay in touch, even as friends.
Meeting him and talking for a long period of time just opened up the range of his games. He talked quite honestly about a range of things, being honest about his behaviour to women before me. He has never behaved like this to anyone else, he just ended the relationship before he ever had to deal with it - just a different type of controlling behaviour.
The one that made me want to vomit was him bringing up and quoting the 2 times that I lost it with him, and pushed him and pummelled his chest. Two times in 5 years together and claimed that when he hit me he wasn't sure what I was going to do! I was subject to up to 30 incidents of bullying or physical shoving in a 2 hour practices session (up to 5 times a week), and I am the one with a problem. I was so ashamed of myself for losing it in those 2 occasions, that I went away and made a conscious effort to manage my behaviour! The first time I lost it, it was before the real obvious verbal abuse began, and thinking about it made me realise that the 'Water Torturer' had already started work even when I thought it was going well. It made me really remember the psychological control and manipulation; I can remember feeling that I was going mad, left was right, right was wrong, and I was losing my sense of who I was. I was right back there on Sunday!
I am glad that I went; I came out rattled and wanting to throw up, but it has made me more determined.
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 23, 2014 13:09:01 GMT
Hey TWP, I completely understand you went. And it must have been hard to have a friend disapprove of your choices- I understand her side too as she must have been concerned.
At the end of the day, you did the right thing for you. I too went back a few times to secretly meet my Ex after I had read a lot about DV. It felt good to know what was going on.
I do NOT advise this to anyone though as I chose to engage in a very, very dangerous situation- but...I did it and I understand now I was traumatized, my brain was throwing all sorts of hormones at me due to the trauma, and....well I needed help- instead of trying to find closure with him/from him.
I have to say those incidents were also in some way helping me to move on. Once I had read "Why does he do that" - my Ex still kept exchanging emails with me every other week- and one day it clicked in my mind and I just said: "Enough".
I had used a new email account to write him (the things you do when you try no contact and have best intentions...but are just not YET there)
And I remember sending him one last one where I told him off- and then never looked back.
I now do not care anymore what he thinks, who he really is- the memories are nothing but that, memories. They do not define me. They never did.
We are NOT what happened to us.
There is a wonderful and safe world out there- I hope you too find counseling (if you feel comfortable doing that) as amazing as I- and many others here- did. There are good people out there. With good intentions- and no hidden agenda.
Be proud of yourself. This was never your fault. This is not your fault right now. You never signed up for abuse.
There is nothing shameful or embarrassing about being traumatized, about wanting to go back and seeing the perpetrator.
Again, I do NOT advise this as it can and often does- lead to severe physical attacks and even death by the hands of the abuser.
But you know in your gut what is right- trust that voice. It has lead you away from him, you educated yourself about abuse and you are NOT the woman he was able to groom for his abuse five years ago.
I think sometimes friends and family and the general public do not understand how hard it is to leave an abuser. And....regardless of how bad the abuse was, the victim is hooked on the good stuff. After all- abuse or not- lies or not- you STILL work through the normal ups and downs of leaving a partner. On top of the trauma and abuse....so that alone often let's people go back and meet an Ex.
I find as long as you can be sure you are safe- and are aware of abuse dynamics- why not. In my experience victims do it anyways and you only add to the shame they feel if you blame them for going back. Trauma is very complex and nobody enjoys being harmed or put in danger.
We are here.
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