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Post by Carolina on Aug 28, 2014 23:49:35 GMT
I almost didn't go. I had an hour before I needed to drive to the pickup spot, and I was sitting at the table drinking coffee, seriously considering calling the shelter and saying never mind. Then my daughter came to me and said, "Mom, are you okay?" I lied and said "Of course I am. Why?" And she said, "I don't know, you look sad." She didn't know yet what was going on, only that we were going somewhere after breakfast. Anyway, I thought, if I stay, this is how it's going to be. Lying to my daughter, hiding my emotions from her, and pretending. She gave me that push I needed just when I needed it.
So, I'm staying at the shelter now. He called, of course. I picked up without thinking. He said, "Where are you?" I said I wasn't going to tell him, but that our daughter was safe with me. I could hear my stepson crying in the background, and my husband said. "See what you're doing to our son? How can you do this to him? You're the only mother he's ever known!" Followed by every awful name you can think of. And telling me I can't take our daughter from him, how dare I! And how he trusted me and I betrayed him. It just went on and on. He said he was going to get a court order to make me bring her back. I finally hung up on him. The shelter counselor recommended that I change my number.
I've shut my phone off, and I'm trying really hard to keep it together for my daughter. I thought I would feel relieved when I got out, but I just feel lost and alone. If he was trying to make me feel guilty about my stepson, he succeeded. I just want to go and hug my stepson and tell him I would never abandon him. I hope he finds my note, and that he's okay. I have a counseling appointment in the morning. The other ladies here say she's really good. At least my daughter is having a good time. There is another little girl about her age, and they've been playing together.
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 29, 2014 1:18:01 GMT
Hey Carolina,
What you did was very brave- and the ONLY way you and your daughter live a life free of abuse and manipulations.
For him to make you listen to your stepson's cries and blaming it on YOU, is his way of NEVER taking any responsibility for his actions. It is very good you shut the phone off. The shelter people will help you with the legal stuff regarding your custody rights etc. and his threats are empty, manipulative words.
If he would have a chance to make you come back he WILL harm you in a very serious way. Men like this operate in "If I cannot have her, nobody can" mode. I am so glad you will see the counselor tomorrow first thing- she will be a lifeline and you will feel relief after talking to her.
Listen, this time after leaving is one piece of shit. I am not going to sugarcoat it. You will experience moments of completely confusing emotions. You will KNOW intellectually that he is bad, that going back and missing him are 'wrong' and you will feel guilty for moments when you might even miss him, or think "ah man this is hard, staying with him was not that bad after all."
You might feel good one second and miserable the next. You might feel tons of toxic shame and guilt for when he starts to use your daughter to get to you. My father did that with my mother. She fought hard and once he saw the law was helping my mother, he gave up and never cared about me or my brother much at all. It was all about HIM HIM HIM for so long...your mind and body will need some time to realize ...that WOW....
"When i was pregnant i deserved a man who would love to make me sandwiches, who would NEVER hurt my rib cage or slam his fist next to my face- intimidating me with words, calling me names. I deserve to be away from him. My daughter deserves it. We deserve to be safe and happy, not traumatized and bonded by fear, anxiety and depression.
You can do this Carolina.
So many women do get away for good- we are here no matter what.
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 29, 2014 1:23:09 GMT
I went and read a few entries from one of our oldest and most experienced members, Steve, who also published a book about abusers and how to spot them early on. I will copy and paste one message from him he sent to another victim of abuse a while ago- which is so encouraging and i hope it might give you some peace of mind tonight: ---- "Have you read anything about "traumatic bonding" or the "Stockholm Syndrome?" Your emotional reaction is very, very common amongst survivors of abuse, and comes from the constant back and forth between the "good person" (whom you want to be the REAL him) and the abusive person (whom you hope is a temporary aberration). Of course, at the start, you see almost entirely "good person," and the rest of the story only gradually emerges. This is not by chance - this is how an abusive person manages to slowly make you accustomed to more and more abuse. But he continues to pepper it with periods of "niceness" to keep your hopes alive that the "real him" will somehow come out on top. Of course, the truth is, the "real him" is a lot closer to the abuser than the "good guy" you first met. The latter is mostly an act they have worked out to engage people initially so they can gradually increase their level of control until you don't feel you can live without them. You might find my book, "Jerk Radar," of some help in understanding how and why he hooked you in initially. It was developed from the stories of the folks on this message board, and seeks to answer the question, "Why did I fall for this," as well as, "How can I make sure this never happens to me again." You'll see that a lot of the seemingly "nice" behavior is part of an overall strategy of isolation and control that started from the first moment he met you. The other tough thing is that an abuser isolates the victim, and those brief glimmers of "romance" eventually become the ONLY bright spot in your life. So when you leave, you lose the abuse, but also those bright moments, as well as having to give up the hope that the "good guy" will eventually prevail and things will go back to where they were at the start. That is a lot to handle, and it is very, very sad. Depression, anxiety and rage are all very common and difficult emotions that emerge shortly after leaving. The only good news is, they don't last forever. As you start to reconnect with the rest of the world, you will find that some of your needs will increasingly be met by activities you used to love and by connections with new and old friends who treat you with more respect. Will you continue to miss the "good him?" Yes, of course. But gradually, his dominance of your thoughts will get less and less, and a day will come when you find you haven't even thought about him for hours on end. Looking back, you'll see that it is a gradual process but that it is leading to a much better place in the end. Hang in there and keep on posting. That's a lot to take in at once. Let us know if you have thoughts, feelings or questions to share. That's why we're here." ----- I can only second this We are here- and you right now encourage so many women by leaving him who read your posts and might not yet be ready to leave but want to.
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Post by thistle on Aug 30, 2014 8:25:53 GMT
Well done Carolina. I am so proud of you. You have taken that first step to a better life.
What a louse he is. Any normal man would be ashamed that his behaviour had led to this situation. His son is upset but he does not comfort him or try to minimise the trauma. No, he uses his son's distress to further hurt you. Please don't feel guilty. You did not cause this to happen. It lays entirely at his feet but I doubt he will ever acknowledge that. One day you may get a chance to hug that little boy again but right now, you are safe where you are and you have wisely cut the contact. Truly, that louse has nothing to say that you will want to hear.
Many hugs. You probably will need even virtual ones over the coming weeks as it will be difficult and there will be many challenges for you to overcome. However, you seem a very strong woman and I know you will do it. In the end, it will be so totally worth it. Whatever the future holds for you it will be an improvement on what your life with him would have been.
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Post by claire+3 on Sept 1, 2014 20:01:43 GMT
Leaving is so hard honey, after I left my abuser also my daughter's father I also expected to feel better and you will I promise. At first I was in flight or flight for ages then confused angry sad.. it's a grieving process that is unlike any other. Keep strong and have no contact please it's so important to enable you to get free. You are free of him physically but getting free of the abuse mentally is an on going issue. Take support from the shelter, ask for help and post here every time you feel tempted to turn on that phone. If you must let someone you trust screen it before you look but honestly no contact is the only way to escape. If he wants his daughter let him use a solicitor then you can maintain the distance. Be safe and I'm proud of you.. I'm 8 years out of one and 4 of another.. you can be safe and happy
X Claire+3
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 1, 2014 22:16:21 GMT
You guys all rock! I am so proud to be part of this forum and see how everyone here is so supportive. The words spoken from another survivor of abuse are SO powerful and important for anyone trying to escape or dealing with the aftermath of leaving...way to go!!
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