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Post by SWLondonMum on Jul 25, 2014 21:15:33 GMT
Hi - I'm new to this forum and can;t see anything relating to my particular problem so apologies if it has already been raised...My husband was physically abusive to me about 6 times during our relationship (pushing/grabbing following serious arguments) and was aggressive and abusive in general. I left him with our son 18 months ago - he is living in another country and there is no physical danger at the moment but I am experiencing severe financial abuse as we owe money which is in my name and I am dependent on his good will to keep paying his share. He doesnt pay anything towards our son, or our living costs eg the mortgage or our son's clothes/food etc. When I returned to the uk with our son the first thing I did was get a job and I am surviving being a lone parent in full time work (like many other people) and all the stress that that involves. I have no spare money at all to pay off our debts faster or get legal help. I am not entitled to any financial help as I get a 'decent' salary, though that does not cover much above the basics - I cant afford to see a solicitor about divorce etc.
I called Women's Aid after taking 2 weeks to pluck up the courage, and I feel like I didnt deserve help as I am not in danger right now and my main concern is the financial abuse happening now, not the domestic abuse that happened when we were together. Not that I am over it, I just have to put all my energy into surviving financially and cant think about any emotional fallout I have from the relationship. I ended up feeling worse after speaking to someone at Women's Aid - I understand that they have a massive priority for getting people out of immediate danger and help those who have suffered serious abuse. I felt like my 5 or 6 times of physical abuse was not serious enough especially as it was in the past. The counsellor gave me some useful numbers for local helplines but she freaked me out by asking about visitation (eg would I let my 6yr old son go to visit my ex husband - what! go abroad to stay with a violent man in a country where there are much less rights for women and much more corruption so there is a chance he wouldnt come back!!!). Or she talked about my husband coming over - in theory I dont mind but he owes so much money that surely he should pay towards our debt.
I feel like I am falling in the gaps somewhere in the middle - because I have been 'strong' and coped with the abuse and the aftermath I am doing too well to get help.(I'm not recommending this by the way - it's much braver to call the police and tell people about the abuse).....support for the physical abuse the emotional abuse te financial abuse. I have left the relationship, I work, I look after our son...I survive. But I cant live like this - it has been 18 months of stress and will be at least another year. I want to cry half the time and I dont know where to turn - I am finding it hard to get any free help but I have no money/time/energy to get help. If I dropped dead tomorrow my ex would get the house and would take our son abroad...it breaks my heart to think about it.
I feel like I am going mad as I have had lots of bad news recently (mostly about money) - have any of you been through this and how did you get help? Sometimes I wish I had just tried to get help because of the DV straight away instead of trying to be independent and get a job. Or that I had reported the DV to the police. A friend just told me that she reported her husband's first act of DV to the police (and they take it seriously and she is now trying to get a divorce) - why did my husband hit/push me 5-6 times and I didnt do anything?I didnt even leave because of it - I left because he cheated on me. I am trying to write a diary of events now as I remember the main abuses and when they happened, plus I have photos of the second time. Why do I not think this is proper abuse? How do I get help when I have no evidence of abuse?
Thanks
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janine
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Post by janine on Jul 26, 2014 0:41:00 GMT
Hey you and welcome here,
I think you have EVERY right to be here on this forum, but more importantly also to receive ANY available support out there in the 'real' world as well!!!
The UK is as far as I have heard 'average good' when it comes to offering free support for DV victims. One thing you can do right away is call the national and/or local DV hotline of your city/district. Tell them you need help and are being financially and therefore also!!! STILL emotionally abused by him. Even if indirectly- but it does matter and you DO have a right to feel angry/frustrated/left alone with the aftermath of all of this
Before I browse for more ideas of what can be practically done right now- let me say I am very impressed you did leave this abuser and now paved the way for a free, safe and happy future.
Now the shelters should also have free legal aid. If the first number you call does not seem supportive, don't give up. The average national aid you called is probably overwhelmed, understaffed and not properly trained. (NO excuse for their poor support of you though!!Clearly someone there is NOT doing their job. How idiotic to say your son might go visit his abusive father or the father-even better- comes after you. Sounds like the person you talked to does NOT understand domestic violence. Too bad.)
Now besides the domestic violence hotlines in the UK, what options are there in his country of residence in terms of speeding a divorce up?
What options/rights you have in the UK should be explained to you by a shelter official or the domestic violence hotline. They have dealt with numerous cases just like yours before.
I am assuming by law right now they require a 2year separation before you can divorce him? In case of abuse this should and can be done faster though.
Again, we would need a professional DV legal aid from a shelter or so to give us the exact information about what is out there right now.
be proud of yourself...this is not easy but you are already fighting your way out...it WILL be worth it. You will not forever have financial problems and you saved yourself from much more damage and more years lost to an abusive partner. Big proud smile, if only for a minute please!!!!
Let us know how the calls to those hotlines went- try a few, google actual shelters as well as they have FREE counseling and support groups. Even if you right now want to stay strong and focus on making money and surviving- this might still be a great resource for now or later in life.
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Post by janine on Jul 26, 2014 1:41:16 GMT
Hey, one more- I did a little bit of research briefly and it looks like even if the active abuse was in the past, you can still prove that you do suffer from the past abuse.I am copying this passage from the official UK legal aid for DV victims website: www.justice.gov.uk/legal-aid-for-private-family-matters/legal-aid-divorcing-separating-abusive-partner"If a doctor (including a GP), nurse, midwife, practitioner psychologist or health visitor saw you in the last two years because you had injuries or a condition from domestic violence caused by your ex-partner then this can be used as evidence for legal aid. A ‘condition’ can include mental or psychological conditions, such as depression, as well as physical conditions." This means it would suffice if you see a counselor/therapist once and describe your PTSD symptoms (post-traumatic stress) and also mention how it depresses you and causes anxiety still since there are financial manipulations on his side going on. Here is another link with a ton of resources you can call. It does NOT matter that you left the abuser- you are still eligible to receive support as you are experiencing emotional and financial hardship through his past/present actions/non-paying. www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_gender_violence_e/domestic_violence_and_abuse_-_organisations_which_give_information_and_advice_.htmHope that helped! |
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Post by SWLondonMum on Jul 26, 2014 9:46:48 GMT
Thanks so much for your reply....I felt so confused because just because I didn't report my abuse to the police and have managed to get out of the relationship and am working hard to get out of the financial mess it doesnt mean I dont need help....in fact I'm sure a lot of abuse victims are like me and are copers/survivors who are really bad at asking for help for whatever reason....pride/shame/not wanting to make a fuss. I totally understand that these charities are under resourced and totally appreciate the help they give but I feel like she could have spent a bit of time getting to the bottom of my issues esp as it was my first call to them. I doubt many abuse victims come straight out with everything that has happened in a clear, organised way, the first time they pluck up the courage to call a helpline. I said that he had been physically abusive several times then when she asked if he was emotionally abusive I couldnt think clearly and was trying to think what she meant or of examples and my mind went blank and I brushed over it a bit and said the main problem was financial abuse....but she never took that to mean there could be more on the surface that I hadnt told her within the first 5 minutes of the conversation. I already felt like I was not a serious case before I called them as I am not in danger right now but I still felt from reading their website that they help out with previous abuse and ongoing abuse after relationships including financial.
Anyway you are right that I should keep on trying and will hopefully find the right kind of help...the UK is pretty good for dealing with abuse on the whole although as my colleague pointed out involving the police does make a massive difference and if I had reported him the first/second time it would probably change how seriously I took the abuse, let alone other people.
I will keep trying the other helplines - as you are say they are all overstretched and it can be hard to spend time during work hours redialling a number for an hour or two but some have evening slots and I'll just do what I can. My colleague is/will be really helpful - I'm horrified that another women in my team of about 10 people (4 women) has also been through this and it shows how widespread it is but I'm so grateful that she told me. She has a similar situation in that she works full time, has an ok salary but her husband also doesnt pay any mortgage/child costs so like me she cant afford legal help.
I think the usual period for divorce is 2 years here but apart from the DV which I hope would speed things up, he also cheated on me so I could divorce him on the grounds of adultery. I would like to think he would go along with my requests as in a way it would be easier and less stressful if he just agreed rather than to have to take him to court and go through all the DV. I dont even care about if he doesnt pay anything towards our son but as long as he agrees I can keep the house - as I had a flat before I met him most of the equity is mine but as the lovely lady on the helpline said, he is entitled to a share of it if he wanted to go down that route. But I am aware of the fact that people can change a lot and I cant assume he will just agree to everything...after all thats where a lot of abuse came from, not getting his own way. If I can get some free legal advice that will help me do the divorce/financial arrangements in the best way.
Do you think I should see a doctor - I dont feel depressed as such but more that I am struggling to cope with the long term stress of leaving him (not including any stress during the relationship!) 1.5 years already and at least another year until I am in a better position financially. I'm sure I could get signed off sick from work for a while but I dont want that - I find working keeps me sane and I am lucky to work in a good place. But they might be able to advise me about whether I can get any free counselling??
I can see why people dont leave abusers...it is so much harder now than when I was with him - it's hard for people to understand this when they havent experienced it. If he had wanted to stay with me after the cheating I would have probably forgiven him and would maybe still be with him today. Thankfully it seems like he also wanted a way out of the relationship in some way.
Thanks again for your help - it's so easy to give up when you have had a setback and it really made me feel like my problems werent that serious....thanks for reminding me that they are....
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Post by janine on Jul 26, 2014 12:45:30 GMT
Hey, yeah I bet the women's aid is mostly concerned with "hot cases" where the woman literally might get beaten up once she puts down the phone. (To use an exaggerated example) but that does not mean someone who got physically out, does not deserve and does not have a right to the best care and attention as well. It does sound like your job is a source of happiness and good feelings- I would say there is NOTHING wrong with that! Keep working and keep enjoying what sounds like smart and kind coworkers. In fact I do believe it is 'easier' for women who already work/have a career/degrees etc. to start the healing process as of course meaningful employment is a bit like occupational therapy really in my eyes. You have a structured day, social contacts, income!=financial strength (even if it takes time to grow back to the state when you did not have additional financial worries) and also maybe a feeling of belonging/purpose and direction. I am very grateful you have that to help you heal and also again, RESPECT to you for keeping your son and yourself safe and sane. Children suffer enormously from DV, even if they 'just' witness it. You got him out and he will understand some day when is old enough how you protected him. (and now HE has a chance to grow up seeing a mommy who is safe, who is not being abused and he will most likely become a much kinder man himself one day  ) One thing I can recommend just for yourself- only IF it feels alright of of course right now- is reading up on a few more resources about DV and surviving DV. It can help to not feel so alone or angry/left with the aftermath by yourself. Here are 3 of the ones I recommend the most: "Invisible Heroes" by Belleruth Naparstek. "Why does he do that" Lundy Bancroft "Jerk Radar" Steve McCrea The first is for when you are out of the relationship and want to check if/how you might suffer from PTSD, deal with the emotions and feelings that might come up etc. It explains in nice ways how to deal with stress following leaving an abuser and offers one cognitive therapy approach that is called "Guided Imagery", which I found very helpful myself and also heard from many other DV and trauma survivors was very helpful. My DV therapist years back recommended it to me. The second is more for when you are IN an abusive relationship- but it also addresses really all stages- dating an abuser (and how to know if he is abusive) - being with an abuser (in all areas-emotionally, sexually, physically, financially etc.) but also what happens after you leave and how to involve allies on your way to recovery. The third is more for when/if you dip your toes back into the dating scene. There are certain risk factors if you have been with an abuser before for example or had an abusive/unsafe/controlling home and dysfunctional family dynamic growing up. But there are also of course victims of DV where their families were fine and healthy- they just happened to run into an abuser, not knowing what to look out for. "Jerk Radar" was written by a member of our board, Steve, who worked for many years with survivors of abuse. I read the book twice and found it VERY helpful to never fall into the trap of a charming prince abuse....because sometimes when we are vulnerable it seems they can smell it and come for you- because of course who would not like the idea of finally not being a single mom, struggling with finances anymore, or simply alone and wanting some loving company. This can be a dangerous time and I am VERY glad to hear it sounds you kept yourself strictly safe since you let and focus on recovery. That is really good work there from you!!! If you can financially/time wise afford to find a good counselor, I would HIGHLY recommend that. There should be free services as well available- again I would dig with womens aid or the shelters, explain financial hardship and emotional stress due to uncertainty about the divorce proceedings etc. One thing I do want to say about counseling though is that choosing a GOOD counselor does take a few things as well. Not all counselors are good or suit your situation- just like in any other profession. My one good friend from graduate school for example went to two different counselors before she was recommended to come to mine- and now she loves it and it really helps. Before she ended up with one lady who was not practicing really well and then the second was a social worker right out of Uni- who really did not have the experience or training. It helped me to google counselors in my area, check if they had online ratings (they did), I had a friend recommend me one (maybe your coworker has a name as well?), I googled "warning signs of a bad therapist" and more random searches to read up on some sites that had great information. Here are two sites that really sums it up well: www.goodtherapy.org/blog/warning-signs-of-bad-therapy/psychcentral.com/lib/therapists-spill-red-flags-a-clinician-isnt-right-for-you/00015051Of course therapists are only human too- and the two I had after I escaped my abusive Ex were both simply excellent. One was specialized in trauma and recovery- which helped with the first few weeks after leaving the abuser. The second is a very experienced, older therapist, - which I intentionally wanted- who has practiced for 30 years in the same practice with colleagues who meet up regularly for meetings and exchanges, who still at age 62 attends a ton of professional development classes and who does everything right that is on those lists. Of course he too has a day when things are not 300% and it is ok to not expect a machine of a human. The shelters in general though should have trained staff specialized in DV- and if you only want the legal help for now and no counseling, that is totally fine too!!! Is there any chance you can call the DV hotlines in his country as well? Or legal aid there? I am not sure how the divorce will be done- i am assuming if you file for it, it will be done on the grounds of UK law? Not sure here but there have to be people who know. Dont give up. And deep breaths, lots of water and sleep and pat yourself on the back....you DID it...you ran a marathon for 1 1/2 as far as I am concerned and it must be exhausting. That is such a strong thing to do and I am always so happy to hear when mothers pick their kids safety over an abuser. It is not easy to do....like you said the time after leaving is so hard. (most people dont know that and assume you must be ok, since you left) We are here if you need an ear and I hope once Steve pops in to check on the site- he will have more suggestions on what resources we can explore for you. He has more experience and works in the foster care system as well - so probably also more legal insight into things (even though he is US based like me right now) I am from Germany originally and know in Germany we have a ton of help as well, but I have to say it does NOT compare to the system in the US. They are very, very advanced over here and have so much help and support and take it all very seriously. Hope that helped and let us know if there is more we can help research! And thank you so much for sharing your story- I KNOW there are women right now who are still being abused and cannot leave right now- and read your story and it might help them to reach out and get help to get away. |
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Post by SWLondonMum on Jul 26, 2014 17:57:54 GMT
Thanks again for the reply...and the book suggestions. I think Jerk Radar will be great for me, for some reason since I left uni (a long time ago as I am 41!) I have dated some guys that looking back were not very good for me. Never an abusive type before my husband, more just lazy guys who dont want to work, guys with mental health problems (obviously these guys are not to blame for their health problems but I think I'm a bit of a 'giver' type person and it's not healthy for me to be with guys like this). I've never dated a guy with good prospects/career who is going to offer as much to the relationship as they are going to take. I am not after a guy for his money and material things but if you look at my dating history it's as if I feel I dont deserve a good guy, or I like the thrill of a bad guy (or both in some cases). I do think I need to do the counselling at some point but it's the financial stuff and the pressure that has given me over the last year since I started my job that has knocked me for six....I was just thinking about how things were getting better and I was moving on to a new stage and getting my life back, when I had some really bad financial blows in July - they have really taken all my strength and energy and although I have been feeling pretty close to breaking down over the last 18 months, this is the first time I have really started to feel overwhelmed and like I cant handle it any more. But I think I am going to be ok and it has maybe this really low point been the catalyst for me seeking help by calling a financial adviser I trust, and the womens aid helpline...and whereas normally this kind of setback would drive me towards chocolate/junk food/wine I have done the opposite and started eating better and doing a bit more exercise - I feel like I need to be strong to face the next year. The thing that scares me right now is that I may not have hit rock bottom yet - there may be worse to come or it may just stay this bad for ages which makes it hard to find the energy to face each day But thanks for this tips on counselling and I think I will need it - I have a lot of anger and also never got closure on the relationship - after I confronted him about his cheating with proof I came back to the UK but he refused to talk about our relationship at all - why he cheated, why he didnt just end it if he wasnt happy - not a surprise that he wouldnt discuss it but at the same time I feel like I have a lot of questions in my head about when he stopped loving me etc....I know it sounds mad that I want to know, but it's hard to write off 8 years of a relationship without any conversation about it! It is hard to do the right thing for yourself sometimes too...my son has been with my parents for a few days as it's school holidays and he is still there until tomorrow - today is the first day I can remember when I have not had to look after him and also not had to work as well....I had all these plans of things to do but instead I have spent most of the day in bed reading and resting....I am so wiped out I think I needed it and I am trying not to feel like I am wasting time and instead that I am giving my body a well needed rest. I miss my son but I know he is safe and happy with my parents and it'll give me more energy when I'm with him tomorrow . I'm meeting some friends tonight - they dont know any of this but it will cheer me up to be around them. I'm sure their relationships arent perfect but at least the husbands are a reminder that there are some decent guys out there that provide for their families and dont abuse their wives. I dont think my husband's country will help me much - attitudes to DV are way behind over there (so lucky I came back - although he didnt physically abuse me over there he was in a stronger position (he had more freedom and I had less)...there was even the risk of me not being able to bring our son back to the UK if we had stayed longer) and I think I am in a much stronger position filing from the UK. We were married in the UK and I am hoping he will just agree to a divorce and maybe I can send the documents over him to sign, though I will need legal advice for this. I dont mind if I have to pay a bit for the actual divorce (I'm sure he wont) I just cant afford all the advice I think I'll need but hopefully if I can get free help I can get started. The financial agreement will be harder but if I am lucky he wont look into it too much - his family help him out a lot and he'd have to be pretty bad to take money that should be going towards his son (eg if he tried to get a share of the house)...but I will be prepared for the worst just in case Re your point about someone reading this...to anyone who hasnt left their abuser yet, however bad my life sounds, it's still 100000000 times better than being with him, treading on eggshells so as not to upset/annoy him, shouting, screaming at each other, worrying how my son will suffer even though I dont think he ever saw any actual violence...he still heard a lot of abuse and anger. My son is my inspiration and he makes me feel the effort I have to put into every day is worth it. At the end of the day it is only material things - it is hard to lose your own money to an abuser but at the end of the day it is just money. And a lot of women here in the UK are entitled to help - but for any woman who is in my situation and not entitled to much help, there is still hope |
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Post by janine on Jul 26, 2014 23:00:11 GMT
Ok sounds like you are really on top of your game and it might seem like a bleak and never ending place right now you are in, but just know this DOES pass and things WILL change. Take in that free time and do not feel bad about having a nice, cozy, relaxed day. You deserve it and I mean that with all my heart!!!!How great is it that you now live closer to your parents and can count on them for some help with your son every now and then!!! There is a LOT of hope and potential in your situation and I am convinced you will fight through the darker moments- see them passing by like trains in a train station. I like that metaphor because you do not always feel bad 100%. The emotions come and go...sometimes it helps to just sit with them- acknowledge the anxiety or depression- and then be aware of your body and how it feels and what it needs. They go away and the happy feelings come back, EVERY time! We are here if you would like an ear and I am looking forward to hearing if other resources brought up more support and how womens aid worked along- sometimes it helps to call again and speak to someone else than the first person you talk to. It is ok to call again and say everything you might not have said earlier- and push them a bit. Like every government supported service ...sometimes they 'enjoy' a little, gentle push towards the right direction  |
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Post by SWLondonMum on Jul 27, 2014 9:05:40 GMT
Thanks for the support....I will see how I get on this week coming with calling some more of the support organisations...I will let you know how I get on as I find it really helps to write about what is going on and feel like I am not stupid for some of the things I think and feel. I'm picking my son back up which brings mixed feelings as I miss him and cant wait to be with him but also I dont feel I am all there at the moment...but I'm going to take him swimming or something similar so we are not just sitting round at home, then at least I wont feel so bad if we veg out and watch a film on tv later :-)
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Post by janine on Jul 27, 2014 14:39:11 GMT
Have fun with him and we are here if you would like to share more things. Kids LOVE a good swimming/then couch potato TV day with cartoons. Nothing wrong with that!!! Sounds just fine to me |
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Post by alisay on Jul 28, 2014 13:26:51 GMT
Hi SWLondonMum,
I am also a single mum and doing OK moneywise on my own, which means that I am not "entitled" to any official help. The fact that I feel exhausted half of the time and I have to rely on my abusive sister for extra babysitting does not count. Yey Us!
Money is a funny thing. Loads of people have money problems but unless you are living under a bridge and eating rats, you feel ashamed complaining about them, like if you were a spoiled brat! After my dad died, I was still studying and I had the money that we had calculated that the last 2 years would cost. I supplemented it by working all summers and doing extra jobs for the secretaries at the Business school (photocopying and so) but the second year inflation was up and I was eating mac&cheese every evening to save money for rent (could not even go out to the pub with my friends). I was so bad - headaches, insomnia, lack of concentration - that I went to the doctor so see if something was wrong with me. To my surprise, he gave me a 1 month of antidepressants, which I took and gave me the courage to ask my mum for a bit of extra money per month so that I could eat decently. As soon as I relaxed about the money, all my problems went away! Or most of them, my sister is still here..
Do not feel ashamed to ask for help. We are all entitled to that.
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Post by jeannie812 on Jul 29, 2014 5:17:47 GMT
Wow, I remember back in the day when I didn't want to see it as a problem. I really thought it was normal marriage, the ups and downs. Cause anytime I tried to talk to a friend about what was going on I was met by "WELL, HAVE YOU TRIED TO TALK TO HIM?", TALK TO HIM AGAIN, WELL THEN TALK TO HIM AGAIN, DO YOU TWO EVER TALK?
I was feeling like it was my fault cause I couldn't communicate with my husband. IT took a really bad situation before I realized that it wasn't me. IT's because my husband liked his tyrant and abuse over me and the kids and the household.
I don't think I spoke to my second oldest sister about this, but it's because she is so final. She'll tell you get rid of that person, And, get rid of all of your friends too. She is a good one to talk to when you are ready to leave, but not when your picking your brain to figure out things when you are becoming aware of the problem.
I actually unleashed it on a neighbor. The poor neighbor man! See, my husband was bringing a co-worker home to drink beer, day after day. My husband and this co-worker man were butting heads cause they were getting drunk everyday at our house (on our dime!) Then this man put his hands on me. My husband looked the other way. I ran out of the room crying. Then the man came over again the next day. I went out into the yard to kill time. Water garden and do what ever, but I was not about to go in house until they were gone. My husband and this man were hollering out the window trying to lure me into the house, and I wouldn't budge. My neighbor man noticed this and he came over and asked me what is going on. Once I began to talk about it, it was like the dam broke. I told it all. I told about 10 years of abuse by this man. The poor neighbor man. He got more information than he ever bargained for.
But, I was already so done. I just needed that pivotal moment. You are going through harder emotions than I went through. I still had the anger cause he wouldn't let me go and he created hell for me with our children and through the courts. But, I never had thoughts of going back with him, never had thoughts of the good stuff (cause the good stuff was me trying to diffuse the moment with this angry man)
And, the last angry man I was with was recently. His name is Ron. I saw that anger (after two months?) and I said hell no! Cut the cord!
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Post by SWLondonMum on Jul 29, 2014 6:07:15 GMT
Alisay you are so right...many women find it even harder to escape/recover from domestic abuse because they are in a financially weak position and I am totally grateful that I am not....but it still makes me angry to be in my situation...I owned a flat before I met my husband and at the moment while we are still married he has a claim on that....the reason I have no money now is not because I am not earning enough (again I am fortunate to be) but because we have joint debts in my name which is stopping me from improving my financial situation (I wont go into details but I could save £300 a month by getting a better mortgage but cant with the outstanding debt)....because he is not sending any money to our son because all of it is going on the debt (I have some sympathy here as it is a lot of money but the debt was created by us moving to my husband's country to start a new life there which ended up with me being isolated and him cheating, so he got some good times out of that money unlike me!). My husband's family can afford to help him out if they/he wanted to and take some of the pressure off me.
No I am no poor but I have still had my moments where I couldnt afford food after an unexpected bill came in before payday...but the other thing that makes me angry is that this money could be used for our son...yes, our son will thrive as long as he has love and security but if my husband did the decent thing with the debt then I could have some money to do some nice things with our son, I could save for his future, I could book a swimming course for him without thinking what we'd need to give up for it. Every time I think this way I feel guilty as I know there are parents in much worse situations and I should just get on with my life but it is hard to see what this man has done on top of any physical/emotional sbuse....I worked hard for years to buy my flat when I was younger and my husband is lazy....he just wants things to come to him without any effort
Anyway enough complaining - Jeannie812 thanks for your messages too...I am feeling a bit better....I just got a real dark cloud over me for the last week or so and it is lifting a bit. I have never felt so low and at least it made me start to think about where I could get help if things get bad. I havent called any helplines yet - it is so hard to find the time as they are only open for an hour or two each day and some of them are expensive from a mobile so I have to call from him....and I'm so focused on surviving each day that I cant think about anything non-essential, but at least I have the numbers. I have got a few things done like filled in some forms for the financial adviser to try to get a better mortgage....that's the worst thing about feeling low, it stops me actually doing things that could make my life better (or stop them being worse) and then I feel worse, it's a real downwards spiral and I feel for people stuck in it even worse than me. I've been busy at work and also am trying to sort out summer childcare (with minimum cost!) which is great as it is distracting me from my problems but it sometimes stops me dealing with them...I am very good at putting off difficult tasks.
OK I feel better now but thanks guys for the support - I'm off to work soon and looking forward to it (I was off yesterday for childcare) as it cheers me up and takes my mind of everything - I cant go out much because of money/childcare so my workmates are my social life :-)
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Post by SWLondonMum on Jul 29, 2014 6:09:41 GMT
Cant work out how to edit my post but I mean 'call from home' not 'call from him' in the 3rd paragraph!!
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Post by alisay on Jul 29, 2014 8:19:30 GMT
I take my LO to Puddle Ducks for swimming lessons since she was 8 months. It is about £11-12 pounds a week, but the mother-child bonding moment is priceless.
Money will get better with time, since you seem to be hard working and, more importantly, determined. Nanny share is a good option for cheaper child care. As for cheap home activities, I find the BBC Art Attack magazine full of fun activities and stickers to last a weekend, even longer.
I missed going out at the beginning, not now. But it is still good to keep in contact with friends from time to time.
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Post by alisay on Jul 29, 2014 11:32:49 GMT
Hi Jeannie,
I see what you mean about the TALKING TO HIM/HER thing. When I tried to talk to my Ex, he laughed at my face and if I insisted, he would just listen to me with a sardonic smile until I exploded, them he would look hurt and leave the room. When I try to talk to my sister, she twists the first 3 words into something that is my fault anyway and then shouts abuse at me. I even wrote her a letter once trying to explain my feelings, she took it with two fingers with a gesture of disgust and then tore it and threw the pieces to my face.
Yes, we can TALK. The problem is not us not talking, is them NOT LISTENING!
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Post by Finally free on Jul 29, 2014 16:44:22 GMT
Hi, I just wanted to say in my first marriage I suffered all of the abuses and was left with thousands upon thousands pounds worth of debt from my ex, he controlled everything and had even signed my name on loans and cards, the list goes on...however somehow you get there and you manage, I had no family suppport network and have always pretty much been a single working mother, I declared myself bankrupt eventually and although a difficult journey, the freedom from the abuse and the debt is so worth while. Step change are a good charity should you get to the point of possibly declaring yourself bankrupt. Good luck with everything, there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you x
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Post by SWLondonMum on Aug 3, 2014 14:43:38 GMT
Thanks for the support and suggestions :-) it's amazing how a few words from strangers can help get through the day more than friends or family...I think my friends and family don't get it, they don't understand how bad it is...I'm beginning to realise that I have to get myself through this, I cant rely on anyone else to do that for me and it's a scary thought. It's just such a long hard slog.
Do you think going to my doctor will help? I'm not properly depressed but just feel I am struggling to get through this as it's been bad for so long and will be at least another year until things get better...I just dont know how I can keep going for that long. I'm off work for the school holidays and in a way it's worse as I find it so hard to get through the day and give my son a good time....I'm trying to arrange stuff every day as being around other people helps but it's so hard, I just dont feel I have the energy to make the effort and just want to lie in bed...I know it's not the end of the world if I do that for half a day and he watches tv but I cant do it every day....I just have no money to do anything and can't enjoy spending money on anything as I feel I should be spending every penny on paying debts back. At least when I'm working I know my son is being cared for by the school or my parents and I have enough to keep me occupied and stop my mind obsessing over everything...Will I be able to get any counselling (I'm in the UK)?? Maybe speaking to someone independent will help but I cant afford to pay for any...I feel like I am drowning in my day to day survival and cant even do much to improve our future let alone spend any time dealing with what happened in my relationship with my ex...The idea of starting divorce proceedings makes me feel sick as I know it wont be easy to make all the arrangements with him (custody/financial)
On a positive note I'm going to try to make an appointment for a free legal advice session as a work colleague going through a very similar situation did that last week and said it was very helpful....
Sorry I wish I could be more helpful and supportive to the rest of you going through hard times...
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Post by jeannie812 on Aug 12, 2014 0:43:15 GMT
If you can't get the financial help to get an attorney for the divorce, can't you just petition the court for the divorce? Just go to family court, and say I want to divorce my husband, and fill out the paperwork. See if you can get the court fees waived. Just ask. You may be better off without an attorney cause trying to obtain one for free is just prolonging this. Your estranged husband could be racking up credit card debt, or any kind of debt, that you will be equally responsible for cause no divorce action has been filed.
If you don't feel comfortable going totally Pro Se, see if you can get an attorney to do the paperwork for a couple of hundred, while you go pro se. It's just a thought.
When I went through my divorce I felt like I would have been better off paying an attorney for the paperwork while I handled the divorce myself, cause when I handed the reins over to an attorney to represent me...he just tied my hands. He rendered me helpless. I went through three attorneys and they were all the same.
Two of the attorneys were through Legal Aid, the third I paid $1000.00. It didn't matter, they were equally useless.
If you really feel like you need representation get out your phone book and start calling attorneys to see if there is one who will work on a payment plan. Just a thought.
I just get really nervous where I see that an abusive marriage is still together by law. Your estranged husband is abusing you and the children financially. HE is creating just as much abuse as he did when he was with you, just a different means. Maybe he is hoping you will come crawling back to him cause you are struggling with the debts of the marriage, or maybe he just wants you to die of stress and misery. What ever his MO, you will survive. But, just get the marriage ended.
It also pisses me off what that counselor said to you about flying the children over to see their dad, or having their dad fly over to see them. It's crazy. It would be unleashing that man on you. Abusive people use the kids like an battle ax to get even with their ex. Some of these professionals know enough to be dangerous.
I remember filing a restraining order petition on my estranged husband. I had to explain on what grounds. I said he came home from the bar and said I'm lucky that he doesn't whip me. He explained that his bar buddy's told him that he is whipped, and that he should go home, and whip the bitch. So my smiling/glowing husband told me I'm lucky that he doesn't whip me. As I told this to the woman taking the petition, she smiled and said that's good! He said he could, but he won't! I looked at her and I said That was a Veiled Threat and YOu Know it!! So He Doesn't Whip Me This Time, I Better Watch Out the Next Time!!! I insisted on a restraining order and I finally got it.
About seeing your doctor, by all means see a doctor when your under stress. But, if your hoping he/she will help you legally by being a witness to your stress, and it's cause, it's not likely. Doctors run at the smell of a lawsuit. It's mountains of paperwork on them and they don't get a dime out of it.
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Post by jeannie812 on Nov 6, 2014 4:46:42 GMT
Yes, Alisay, they don't listen. And, I'm sorry to hear your sister didn't listen either. Gosh, our family is the one who hurts the most. I hope your financial situation gets better. I hope you don't have to file bankruptcy. But, sometimes it's a better option than struggling with a debt. You said you are secure, but then mentioned you have been broke before payday. I want to point out something a woman had told me. She worked her tail off to pay off that bill, she spent endless time on the phone to make payment arrangements and then she found out in the end that she would have been better off if she had erased the dept through bankruptcy. She would have had better credit. This woman didn't create her debt anymore than you did, she was always careful with money. She had met up with some asshole who dragged her finances into the ditch.
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