|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Jul 2, 2014 4:37:55 GMT
And he elbowed me in the face.
He didn't mean to elbow me, but I gotta wonder if it was accidentally/ on purpose. He was pissed off cause he caught a turtle while fishing. I wanted to take the hook out of it's mouth. I was asking for the tackle box with needle nose pliers, and I ran for the turtle. He was rough with me and elbowed me in the nose. It really hurt. Then he cut the line and kicked the turtle back into the water. It still had the hook in it's mouth. I was so upset. I said that turtle will live the rest of it's life with a hook in it's mouth. He snarled that it's just a turtle.
He never asked if I was ok. He never apologized for elbowing me. I pushed it three times to see what he would say. On the third time he kinda laughed and said he doesn't want to hear any more about it.
Then along the way he said he is a environmentalist. I thought REALLY? I'll bet the turtle doesn't feel that way.. I didn't argue cause I already got an elbow in the nose, I didn't want to find out what happens if I disagree.
That fishing hook may rust out and infect and the turtle will probably die an awful death from sore mouth and unable to eat, and unable to close it's mouth. Or a rotted hole in it's beak, caused by embedded fishing hook with infection and pus.
This guy took an instant dislike to my son. My son hasn't lived with me for some time, but he needed my help with his car. Gee, my son wouldn't have the problems he has if I hadn't picked crappy men, and this man wants to fault my son for this? I say you don't like him cause you don't like the product you would have caused?
Now what is this post about? oh yeah... He is costing me money. He has helped me out with a lot of projects. If I could afford to pay him in trade I would. But, I can't afford it. I will struggle to pay my bills this month plus house insurance and property taxes are due. I just don't have the money since I met this guy.
He brags that he makes $3000.00 a month. I get $750.00 a month. When I tried to explain this to him he got really crappy. He snapped that he has bills too.
At this point I might just be venting cause I haven't heard from him since Sunday morning. He might have another women lined up. Cause that would explain why he is so short on money when he can't stretch 3 Grand a month?? I stretch $750.00 a month!
|
|
|
|
Post by orange on Jul 2, 2014 5:32:52 GMT
Hey jeannie. I have to wonder if he elbowed you "accidently on purpose" too. Either way, any decent person would go out of their way to apologise, he just wanted you to shut up about it! That's terrible. And I feel so sorry for that poor turtle. Such a horrible thought. It shows the difference between you two, you wanted so badly to help the turtle. The money thing is another control tactic and is out of order. Sorry I don't have much advice at the moment. But I wanted you to know that i've read your post. Have you thought about leaving him? Just wondering  x |
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185 
|
Post by janine on Jul 2, 2014 13:27:44 GMT
Hey you, I agree with Orange- I also felt as if the elbow 'accident' was NOT by accident at all. Normal people immediately apologize even repeatedly, especially if it was with a body-part that can cause painful harm like a strong elbow.
One BIG red flag is actually also cruelty towards animals in an abuser (and also actually one of the earliest warning signs we find in younger children. Being cruel with animals COULD be a sign that you have a Sociopath at hand. However, I also heard a police officer once say that you usually do not find old pets in homes of abusive relationships because often times (I have to look up the most recent statistics done with proper research on this) they abuse the pets too (and kids of course!!) I also feel sorry for that turtle. Just keep in mind YOU wanted to help, he did not let you. So by doing that, knowing you CARED, he also emotionally abused you.
It was really a four punch in the ring if you look at it.... PUNCH, elbow. Punch, takes away your chance to help a suffering animal (which suffered by HIS hands....) , Punch...financial control. Punch....stonewalling/silent treatment by not contacting you after all of this. And now you are supposed to stay there and make sense of it all without having a normal opponent to talk things through with. (or a referee for that matter if we keep the metaphor of a boxing ring in mind)
AND....many abusers leave you in the dark about a possible 'other woman'- not only has he left you confused and harmed behind, now he leaves you guessing what the silence means. I read many entries over the years and that silence seems to be one of the worst things to deal with, because you do not know when the next blow will happen or what is going on and....often times it makes you crawl back to him, begging for forgiveness (when really HE is the abuser and HE chose to apply tactics that are brutal and harmful.)
I can only also ask as well- have you thought about leaving him? What keeps you with him?
(You do NOT have to answer us if it feels uncomfortable, just for your own thoughts maybe something to sit with for a few days. Because whatever it is, there is ALWAYS a way out. Shelters nowadays offer free counseling, financial help, future planning strategies, group therapy....the list is endless. I just called a shelter the other day in my area to check up on recent changes and I have to say I am beyond expressed what most shelters seem to offer here in the USA. They even have resume evenings where they help you get your professional life working better etc. Wow!
Hang in there, you have such a GREAT and intelligent insight into his behavior already and you seem very aware of your pattern of dating abusers. Maybe some extra counseling for free at a shelter could be an additional tool to counter his tactics and get your own self-love back into your own focus?
We are always here and love to hear from you!
|
|
steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266 
|
Post by steve on Jul 2, 2014 23:07:31 GMT
Hey, Jeannie!
If someone else told you this story, what would you think? Doesn't sound very accidental to me. He's definitely got Jerk signs all over him, based only on your brief post. I know you know enough to realize that.
So what are you thinking is next?
--- Steve
|
|
|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Jul 3, 2014 5:20:36 GMT
 To Orange, Janine and Steve, you are all so right. I talked to the guy today, he finally called. I thought I would end it gracefully. I told him that we can't afford this relationship. He said it's my choice. And, again he got a bit defensive when I mentioned that I don't have the money to even spend a little on a man. I would like to see the fireworks this weekend and then call it quits. (something about fireworks helps me to break it off with a guy) That's how I ended it with Jim. I feel so disappointed. I went for four years without a serious relationship and just to get disappointed again. I didn't invest much time, only 1 1/2 months, but it's disappointing anyway. Just not enough time for serious damage! It tells me that I am still damaged. I still need more time. Just hopefully I have enough life span left until I meet Mr. Right. |
|
steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266
|
Post by steve on Jul 3, 2014 20:10:31 GMT
Ah, but the good news is, you caught on a lot quicker this time! Time to read or re-read Jerk Radar before your next date, eh?
I stopped believing in Mr./Ms. Right a long time ago. I think it's about finding someone with whom you enjoy spending time, can freely be yourself, and with whom you can safely negotiate your way through conflict. Add a little sexual attraction, and you have what a relationship has to offer. Part of the reason I wrote Chapter 2 of the book is to help cleanse everyone of the expectation that Prince Charming is going to take us off to live Happily Ever After in his castle in the clouds. Far better to set some standards and be prepared to rake Prince Charming over the coals before you head anywhere with him. After all, a guy with a castle is used to having servants, and may see you as another peon just providing a slightly different service.
Glad you have decided to give him the heave-ho. I know it's discouraging, but remember that you are learning from every experience, and will get smarter and smarter as you apply your new knowledge. And we're still here to talk you through it.
---- Steve
|
|
|
|
Post by orange on Jul 4, 2014 2:29:37 GMT
You are brave to come to this decision. At least you have realised what he's like sooner rather than later. I can totally understand that it's still depressing. I hope next time you will be able to detect on the first date!
Take care x
|
|
|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Jul 6, 2014 4:59:01 GMT
He had called Wednesday? I think that is when I wrote this post. He asked me to drive over by him to see fireworks in his side of state. with no mention of helping me out with gas money. I told him I don't have the gas money. He said that is up to me, it's my choice. The next day Thursday? I left message on his phone saying I'm canceling out on the weekend. He called back quickly, I didn't answer and he didn't leave message.
He called today around 2:00 this afternoon and left message asking if I still wanted to go to fireworks in my area tonight and that his wood splitter was hit by tree. I called him back and left message. He gets back with me a while later and again brings up fireworks in my area and asks if I saw his pictures. I didn't know what he was talking about. He says something about he emailed pictures of the tree of his wood splitter. and, blah, blah, blah about wood splitter, and says to get on internet to see his pictures of tree landed on his wood splitter. and he wanted to know if he could buy meat for him and then meat for me for him to bring. (I said no cause it sure sounded like he would expect to be reimbursed for meat he buys for me)(while he stays to eat that meat I bought for me?) He called again around 6:00 tonight he was still entangled with the wood splitter problem and wants to reschedule to next weekend when he will make it up to me. (boating on his new boat and fishing) I said the fire works start at 10:00 pm tonight. He said he'll see what he can do, and will let me know. Well, it's 11:30 pm and he hasn't shown up and nothing. Another Jim.
Takes money from women in one way, shape or form. Whether by using her car and gas, and asking her to buy his beer, cigarettes, or whatever he's pressuring her to pay. And does it all in a sneaky way where he's putting her on the spot to embarrass her into it, or leaving her feel like she has no other option at the moment, but to pay. The guy is pimping himself.
It's not surprising. He has 101 double standards. He can be disgusting with farts flying and belching and noisy coughing, gobbing, hacking, swishing it around, and then loudly gulp.. it down. But, he sure expects a woman to act like a lady. I'm sorry to gross out you people. But, someone has to rat out that nasty secret.
And, I know I have been duped. I know he is hooking up with other women, cause that would explain why it started out with nice dinners out and then I'm left with a bill. He need the money to hook in other women.
I looked him up on court records tonight. Nothing recent, but past judgements that haven't been paid. He owed child support years ago. It got to the point of felony. (when he told me his ex-wife dragged out the divorce for 10 years so SHE wouldn't have to pay child support)
He doesn't tell the truth. period....
|
|
|
|
Post by Jean812 on Jul 12, 2014 5:20:05 GMT
Since the Ron thing. I find that some people are avoiding me, close friends are being curt with me, and writing me off?
OMG being abused leads to being abused by the public. The abused is seen as weak? and no one respects that person?
I only knew this guy for less than 2 months and it means that I have years of more work, to get back the same normalcy with people that I had 2 months ago???
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Jul 12, 2014 14:13:48 GMT
jeannie812, you are so RIGHT on as usual with the analysis of what is going on! Be proud of yourself for sniffing him out as an abuser.
NO woman enjoys being treated like this and you have a right to say NO. And...say YES to yourself at the same time!
We are always here if you need a place to vent or exchange views. Looking forward to what is next for you if you leave him, and if not, you know how to ride this road safe and cautiously. Trust your gut!
|
|
|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Jul 13, 2014 4:20:18 GMT
Thank you Janine, yes the strong step is to be proud of myself. I got rid of a big problem, before it became a big problem. Everything he did for me was a bait/and switch. I won't say the guy is evil. Cause he really meant well overall, and just didn't understand why I can't afford this relationship. And, really doesn't care.
|
|
|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Aug 31, 2014 2:29:56 GMT
He showed up at my door the other day! He just walked into my house without my permission! He wanted the space heater he had bought me back in early June. He bought it from a yard sale. It has been two months since we had any contact. He drove 45 minutes just to take away a yard sale space heater from me? That is crazy!!! I feel numb at the thought of the boiling anger towards me that must have been boiling in him for last couple of months. Cause when we stopped contact I thought he was so full of himself that he would think it's my loss, and he would be on to the next woman. And, I also thought that he is such a cheap skate that he wouldn't spend the gas money to come out to bother me. He really caught me off guard when he showed up, cause I really thought I had him all figured out.
Well, when he walked in my door he said I don't take his calls (he hasn't called since July when he was blowing me off on holiday weekend) He announced that he wanted the heater. He said his friend has one just like it and the heater malfunctioned. He said there is a recall on the heater. He said the malfunction caused the heater to burn down his friends house, and the friend is in hospital with 2nd & 3rd degree burns, and it's not known if the friend will make it.
I was so caught off guard that I let him take heater. My son Junior quickly looked up space heater recalls on internet. Junior said there isn't a recall. Instead there is all good reviews on this heater. I told Junior to run outside and grab that heater off Ron's truck. Ron tried to fast talk Junior, but Junior just grabbed heater and walked it up to the house. Junior kept telling Ron that we will handle it, and then he told Ron to leave. I poked my head out the door and told Ron 'Nice Try'
I called the manufacturer of heater that day. The phone number is in the instruction manual. I gave the model & serial number and I was told by Rep that there is no recall. She registered the heater in my name. So I can now get technical support for this heater.
And, this is really has nothing to do with the heater. This is about establishing boundaries. Not allowing some angry man to cross lines. Make him walk away empty handed.
Yet, I feel this awful feeling of what will he pull next?
|
|
|
|
Post by thistle on Aug 31, 2014 3:56:18 GMT
I, too, am gob-smacked that someone would drive for 45 minutes and then lie his head off just to get a second-hand heater. It takes all kinds to make this world but that is just unbelievable. It must have been burning into his brain all this time.
However, I am cheering for you. I am glad you got the heater back. It is just a small thing but it was a gift and he had no right to take it back.
|
|
|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Sept 1, 2014 2:31:16 GMT
Thank you Thistle,
Yeah, he really wanted to show me what he thinks of me, and and to get the last word, and to show me who's boss. I actually gotta laugh at how much his foolishness must cost him. He starts out with spending money on the woman, and then within weeks he has her spending money on him. The women see through him and breaks it off. Then he is off to spending money on the next women, and on and on the cycle goes. His need to mooch off women is costing him a LOT of money!!! No wonder why he is so angry. He is so bad at playing women!
|
|
|
|
Post by claire+3 on Sept 1, 2014 20:10:30 GMT
Hey Jeannie,
I remember you from way back. Reading this I think you should be proud that you saw through this guy and that you acted on your feelings! That's an amazing skill set, Lord knows it took me years to set boundaries and stick by them. I also don't believe in Mr or miss right. I do believe in good people making a happy relationship. No knights in shinning armour and that following my gut keeps us safe. Good luck, well done again and I hope you can move forward without too much distress.. jerk radar working well lol!
X Claire+3
|
|
|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Sept 5, 2014 2:30:50 GMT
Thank you Claire, my eyes are now wide open cause my income is next to zero. Any extra expense puts me behind the 8-ball. I never thought it would take extreme poverty to finally force me take a hard look at abusive people who want con you out of your last 10 bucks. Especially when I am cutting wood with chain saw, and chopping wood to save on winter heating bills, and living on Time-of-Day-Service with electric company where I have to power down by 1:00pm and can't wash laundry until after 8:00pm at night to save on my electric bill, I buy day old bakery, and meat that is almost expired, scratch&dent grocery store, clearance bins, thrift stores, roadside toss offs, dumpster diving, and then some man thinks it frees up my money so I can spend it on him... Oh HELL NO!!!
Steve thank you for the Mr. Right post, yeah, the giant will have his servants. Ron was basically telling me I would have to pull up his slack.
One last thing. I was thinking about this today. How Ron got the idea to come out here and walk in my door was because I had told him that Jim used to barge in my door after he blew me off all weekend. Jim would just help himself to anything in my house that he wanted. I had no say so.
Ron didn't listen to everything I said, cause I had pointed out that my son Junior was little back then. Junior is now a month shy of 20 years old. He is tall and strong. I think Ron got the impression that Jim's intrusions were recent and that Junior is a push-over. Also, Ron also didn't seem to hear that I had called the police on Jim (at the end) So when Ron came all the out here to take heater, he wasn't counting on Junior standing up to him, and he wasn't counting on me standing up too.
Junior and I were caught off guard at first when Ron walked in the door. When I told Junior to go outside and grab that heater off Ron's truck, and Junior actually did it. I was surprised cause I didn't know if Junior would shrugged his shoulders and continue playing on computer. But, instead Junior went outside to grab heater. It gave me confidence and we out foxed an abuser. I asked Junior afterwards why he stepped up to the plate. Junior stated that Jim was such a tyrant that he's not taking it anymore.
|
|
|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Sept 19, 2014 2:45:44 GMT
To Claire, I had replied to your post but it never went through. I really wanted to point out that it wasn't just my gut feeling. It was because the guy knocked my budget out of whack immediately. Even if we can't listen to our gut, we know when we can't pay our bills. All his bragging about making $3000.00 per month in income, plus his extra income of selling fireword, and doing handyman work, and he can't pitch-in for the gas to drive around in my car. Plus, paying my own way, and eventually paying his way too. When I tried to talk to him about it, I saw a long stare in his eyes, and then a bull shit response. I thought to myself... I'm running my chainsaw, chopping wood, hauling firewood, and stacking the firewood to save on heat in winter. I'm on time-of-day service with electric company where I have to power down everyday at 1:00pm through 8:00pm (power down for 7 hours a day!) to save on my electric bill. I shop yardsales, thrift stores, stratch/N/Dent store for groceries, shop the clearance rack, shop with coupons, shop the discount stores. Just to have this man come along to say the money I don't spend should get spent on him... oh HELL NO!!!
|
|
x
