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Post by EmilyG on Aug 4, 2019 14:40:41 GMT
Hi,
I posted a while back as Anonymous. I want to say, I have left my girlfriend. After she hurt me that last time I stayed home from work for a couple of days but I was afraid to ask for more time. I know everyone could see the bruise on my face and one co-worker who I've known a long time, who goes to the same church as me, pulled me aside. I wanted to lie to her but I couldn't. She is married to a man from the church now, but we were always alike in many ways, considered rebels by our church, always in trouble for something. Just her working as a married woman is considered somewhat scandalous. She convinced me to talk to my parents. She said she couldn't believe they would stop loving me for being who I am. They were very sympathetic at first and they said they'd love me no matter what and took me back in, but after a couple of weeks I started bringing back certain rules and monitoring where I was all the time, and then said it was time for me to go back to church. When I did I was confronted by our pastor and some of the elders and they said I needed to confess my sins in front of the congregation. I told them I couldn't and so they started going at my parents, saying they had failed me, that I was a rebellious child. My dad was angry, my mom was in tears. I couldn't take it. So I confessed. And it wrecked me. I just thought, I'd rather be hit every single day than ever go through that again. And so I moved back in with my gf. My co-worker tried to talk me out of it, she even offered to take me in, against her husband's wishes. But I couldn't put her in that position. Everything was okay with my gf for a good week and a half after that and then the fighting started again. It got physical again one day, we were at the bottom of the stairs and she was blocking me. I had know where to go but up the stairs. I know it wasn't smart but I wasn't thinking, I was only trying to get away. She grabbed me by the arm and pulled me back down and I don't know how it happened but my leg got twisted and it broke It didn't even seem real. She said now look what you did. At the hospital she was arrested and I went into a shelter. She is back out. She was there less than 24 hours. It's been almost 2 weeks and I'm still here. I had to tell my boss because I couldn't go back to work right away and she said she'd keep it confidential but the fact is, I work in a small place and I'm sure everyone has figured it out. And I feel like they are going to have to know anyway, in case my gf decided to show up there. I'm supposed to go back tomorrow and I am dreading it. I can't stand people feeling sorry for me. I realize I'm more fortunate than some of the other people in the shelter in that I already have a steady job but I've been looking for a place to live and I'm beginning to realize I can't afford it, to live on my own. The cost of living is too high here. I feel so trapped, so isolated, because everyone I really know outside of work is tied to the church in some way. I don't want to go back again, but I don't know how I'm going to make it out here.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518 
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Post by karen on Aug 4, 2019 20:03:17 GMT
Hi Emily, so sorry this is happening! And very sorry about your broken leg. You did not break your leg, as far as I am concerned your partner did. It is really horrible that your girlfriend abuses you and your church elders do as well. Can I ask what kind of church you go to?
You are brave and strong and smart and deserve to be happy. Can you live with any young women in your church? Do any of them need roommates or are willing to rent you a room in their home? Any counselors at the shelter who can help you to find a room to rent?
I know you feel like you won't make it, it is really hard when the one group you connect with (church) are actually judging you and abusing you just as much by them demanding that you do what they say. Spiritual abuse is terrible and so hurtful.
If you don't want to be a part of that church, then please, don't go back. I am a Christian and I certainly would not go to a church that demanded I do what they say, especially confess my sins to the whole congregation. What is that supposed to do? Many congregations are full of judgmental people. They are sinners as well. The Pastor is just wrong..and not the kind of church I would want to be a part of.
Can you move a little further away from where you work..like to another town where things may be a little cheaper?
Please know you have done nothing wrong. If the people at your work are supportive, then leaning on them a bit may be OK. I remember when I first left how much I didn't want to share with others, but I was so surprised at how many people were supportive and how many women had been abused as well. Chances are, there are women in your church and in your job who also have been abused and probably are currently being abused.
All I can think is don't go back to your girlfriend if at all possible. She is going to hurt you more and you don't need that. How long can you stay at the shelter? Can you get a part time job in the evening or weekends to help bring in more money so maybe you can get a place for yourself?
I don't know if you are in the US or UK or elsewhere, so not sure of the resources available to you.
Emily, you are doing good stuff right now. Stay strong. Things will work out. If you have a faith in God, perhaps put your faith in him and this problem in Him and pray about it. The God I love and trust will find a way for me. He wouldn't want me to go back to a church that abuses me. Or a partner that abuses me either.
Sending you hugs! I will keep trying to think of options that may help!
Karen
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Post by EmilyG on Aug 5, 2019 1:04:54 GMT
Hi Karen,
It's an IFB church. Independent Fundamentalist Baptist. I don't know if I could find someone to stay with. Most of the women around my age (23) are married or still live with their parents. That's what we're supposed to do. Live with our parents until we are married. I moved out without a husband, and I'm a homosexual on top of that so I already have a bad reputation. I'm dangerous for the other young women.
I'm not attending the church now, not since I've been in the shelter. I was going 2-3 times a month when I was with my gf only to keep my parents from getting on me about it. But attending church is a requirement of living with them and that's why I just can't. They aren't abusive. They hardly ever even spanked me growing up even though they were supposed to. But they still strongly believe in the doctrine.
I've looked at towns nearby but the rental costs aren't much different. I would need a roommate. I'm just nervous about living with someone I don't know. And I'd have to come out to them and tell them that I've got a crazy ex-gf who might come after me. I feel stuck. I can stay in the shelter for up to 3 months and then maybe get an extension. I don't want to stay here that long. I want to get out of this state entirely but my job is here. Everyone I know is here.
I still believe in God. I just wonder sometimes if He is actually listening. I've prayed and prayed for some kind of answer or some kind of message about what the right thing to do is. But I get nothing. Nothing. I hear people talk about how God speaks to them. He's never spoken to me. I don't know, maybe I'm not worthy of a response because of the way I live and all the lies I've told. I feel so alone.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Aug 5, 2019 1:39:44 GMT
Hi Emily, so from what I believe, God is listening and He hears you. I believe he is working everyday to help you and find your way out of this nightmare you are in. Being in a shelter where you are safe, I believe God directed you there, you are away from your GF and your parents and a church that is not healthy for you. God has removed you from a terrible environment. He has brought people into your life like the counselors to help. He had a hand in your GF being arrested. God it there, sometimes while we are going through the worst thing in our lives, it is really hard to see Him.
I am glad you believe in God. AND...you are 1000% worthy of a response. Being homosexual..is not a sin in my book. I go to a church that is inclusive and all are welcome. So, I believe that God loves ALL his children, his LOVE Is not conditional. Imagine how much HE loves you and then multiply that by infinity..HIS love is never ending. If you feel bad about the lies and things you feel you have done, then perhaps ask God for forgiveness..the best thing is is that HE has already forgiven you. HE knows your heart, God knows you are a good, kind, loving, strong woman and you do not deserve ANY of the abuse that has come your way. I am not a fan of the IFB type churches. Pastors are not God. They are human just like everyone else and before they point out everyone elses sins, they should first look in the mirror.
By posting here? Maybe God has directed you here to help you find your way. I am a Christian, I believe in God and have taken God as my Savior. Maybe God directed you here so I could be of help to you? So you can see that not all Christians are the same and many of us are nothing like the ones who attend IFB Baptist churches. God tells us not to judge. Every Bible says it the same way, doesn't matter which version you read. Anyone in your church who judges you..needs to first look at themselves. God is the only being to judge us!
Are there any ladies in the shelter who are also looking for a roommate? Maybe you could connect with someone and begin to find a solution together/ Maybe God put you in that shelter so you could possibly meet a roommate? There is a plan in the works, God doesn't let us down, HE loves us, HE does not want us to suffer. I have recently learned a new definition of faith...."Putting God between you and your circumstances"..that is FAITH. DOUBT..."putting your circumstances between you and God".
I am glad you have the option to stay in the shelter as long as you need. Perhaps, be patient? I promise you God has a plan for you and I completely get that it seems like He isn't there, HE is. Acknowledge HIM and things will start to fall into place.
Sending you a HUG..you deserve it! AND "TRUST YOUR JOURNEY"..it will lead you to a good place.
Karen
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Post by EmilyG on Aug 6, 2019 4:16:33 GMT
Hi Karen,
Thank you for saying all of that. I want to believe it all. And I do believe God hears me, but why doesn't He answer? Why doesn't He speak to me like He does other people? I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I know that not all Christians are like the people at my church and not all of them believe what my church does. But they have told us that Catholics, Methodists, anyone but Baptists really, and anyone who doesn't believe what the Bible says about homosexuality and divorce and adultery, is not a true Christian. Deep down, I don't 100% believe that but I still hear that voice in my head saying, what if they're right? And so I keep telling myself I can't let go of those beliefs because if I do, I might go to hell. My co-worker was brought up in the Episcopal church and converted so that she could marry her husband. When the pastor and other people learned that, they praised God and her husband for saving her from the false church. I know for sure that she doesn't believe in everything they preach either but she goes through the motions, because she loves her husband and he's kind and patient with her but he isn't willing to leave the church. He grew up in it too, like I did. I don't know where I'm going with this, but, I've thought about leaving for real, telling my parents and telling my pastor and elders that I am done with their church. But I'm afraid. Not just of going to hell, but of what it will do to my parents and family and of it destroying our relationship. I just found out today that my parents have been fighting since I left their house, about the confession I had to do. My mom is angry about it and thinks it was wrong and my dad thinks we shouldn't question it. He says the pastor knows best. You are right that no one in the church is God, not even the pastor. But people act as if he is. My mom had reached out to me after that and told me she was sorry for what had happened and she wanted me to come back home but my dad said no, not unless I go back to church. She cried and she said she tried and tried to change his mind but he wouldn't. I don't know what to do. Either way, I destroy my parents or I destroy myself staying there. My mom wants me to have lunch with her tomorrow and I said yes, but part of me is dreading it because I'm afraid she's just going to try to convince me to come home.
The counselors at the shelter have been very helpful with all of the practical stuff but I don't think understand the religious part.. I still want to go to school and they are helping me apply for some grants, but I took the placement tests and I'm behind in English and way behind in math. I don't even want to know how far behind I am in science and history. We were taught the Bible was the only history book that mattered. This has been my biggest fear about college, that I won't be smart enough to make it because of the way I was home schooled.
I am sorry I'm not feeling more positive right now. I'm just very overwhelmed. I am trying so hard to keep my faith that God is there and that He cares but it's not easy anymore. I haven't had the chance to ask around if anyone here at the shelter is looking for a roommate, but I will when I start feeling better, hopefully soon.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Aug 10, 2019 13:35:57 GMT
Hi Emily. I am sure you are overwhelmed, there is a lot going on in your life right now! Very understandable. To address some of your thoughts...I believe God answers us. I also believe He speaks to us, but I also think we have to figure out the way of hearing Him and listening that works for us. I hear God differently than others, I see God differently. Does that make their way right and my way wrong? No, the only thing God says is to get to Him is to believe in Jesus Christ our Savior. Does that mean Jewish people are wrong? I don't think so. What I do believe is that God has many different pathways to him..and by that I mean Catholic, Methodist, Jewish, Muslim, Baptist..etc. He says though that taking Him as our Savior is the only way to have eternal life. Does that mean that Jewish people who don't see Jesus as the Savior not going to have eternal life? I don't think it means that. I think God loves all His children. I find it very hard to believe that of all the religions in this world..that ONLY one of them is RIGHT. It doesn't make sense to me that God only favors one "pathway" to Him. I don't believe you are going to hell for any reason. You can doubt my beliefs and that is Ok. I tend to doubt that there are humans on this earth that are 100% right when it comes to knowing God's thoughts. I believe Pastors have studied and earned a degree that enables them to share God's word. I don't believe that being a Pastor is a substitute for God. Pastors are human, they are imperfect. God is perfect. God gave that "perfect" label to only one human..Jesus. So, yes Pastors have insights..but they are not God and I do not listen to them as if they were. I think there are many churches and religions that are "controlling" and "Manipulative". I don't understand the church you go to, but having been abused myself, my gut tells me to stay away from that church. Are they 100% right in what they preach? I don't know. But I do know that there are many many ways to worship God..and I have felt called to go elsewhere to do that. The pastor at your church seems to have "control" that I don't believe God wants him to have. There is also a lot of interpretation of the Bible in all religions that can be "twisted" to fit the control that a Pastor wants to have. over his congregation. So what is the right thing? I am not sure. I believe that God wants us to believe in Him. To spread His word, to love one another, to believe in Him as our Savior. All the rest..like marriage, divorce, adultery, sin, homosexuality etc. It is important..but I kinda feel like those things can be twisted for interpretation and control. I believe in the basics. I don't believe that God forbids divorce.and that I am going to hell for getting one. I also don't believe that God hates anyone. I believe He loves us all. I don't believe in a human (Pastor) telling me how to live my life. He or she is no different than me. God loves me just as He loves the Pastor. In God's eyes..I believe we are all equal. So, for God to give one of his "children" more power than another? I don't believe that. I don't believe that God says "Do what your Pastor tells you to do or if you don't. I won't love you". God doesn't say that. So is your church right and anyone who doesn't do it their way going to hell? I don't believe that. Because there are several hundred million people who will be in hell according to that Pastor. Really? God doesn't say there is only ONE religion..only one path. So, no..I don't think they are right and I don't believe you will go to hell if you don't do what they say.Telling someone how to live their life and condemning them to hell if they don't do it their way? I don't believe that is how God works. And, I believe in God as my Savior..I am not going to hell. Emily, we all have a "voice" inside us that tends to guide us. It is that voice that is telling you that something isn't right in your relationships. That they are unhealthy for you. Some people believe that "inner voice" is God talking to us. I believe that God talks to me in MANY different ways. I hear him often. It is through my thoughts, it is through the positive people around me, it is through circumstances that occur, it is through other Christians. Maybe I am one way God is speaking to you? And I am not putting myself on a pedestal. I mean is that God uses His disciples to help others. I can't tell you what to do or what to believe. That is something only you can decide. One of the hardest things abuse victims and survivors learn is how to trust their own thoughts and feelings. For all of our lives...we have listened to the abusive "guidance" of others. We have been told what to do, how to do it, and given no other reason for doing it other than the "abuser" says so. No where in the Bible does it say that we have to live our lives according to another human beings' say so. God says to honor our father and mother. And that word "honor" is left up to interpretation. It sounds like your church says "honor means to do what your parents say and if you don't you will be so severely punished and kicked out of church". That is not what I believe God meant by honor. Spiritual abuse is very real Emily. You can believe in God, have a loving relationship with God and not go to hell..and you don't have to be in your church to do that. As for your parents..if you Father has a right to his opinion and your Mother has a right to her opinion..shouldn't you have a right to your opinion? Why does it have to be their way or no way? Humans want and need to have something that is concrete as far as what is right and what is wrong. And we seek that out in many different ways. No human is perfect and no human has the right to tell another human how to live their life. Your parents guided you until you turned 18. They don't legally have a say in how you choose to live. The problem comes in when they and the church believe that you can't make those decisions and choices for yourself. There is this belief that if you choose to do something other than what they say or believe..then some how you are misguided and condemned to hell. You are NOT. Will it hurt your relationship with your parents? Sadly yes..but that is because your parents are choosing the church over you. They don't care about what you want..the church doesn't care about what you want. They only care about what they BELIEVE you should do or shouldn't do. How is that loving? It isn't. It is controlling. It is abusive. It is wrong. God says to love one another. He loves us unconditionally. It sounds like your church has a lot of "conditions" about how to love someone. There seems to be a lot of "gray" rather than "black and white" answers for how to be a good Christian. Maybe God doesn't want it to be so black and white..maybe He is OK with "gray"? I am ok with gray. I don't have a lot of answers. Sometimes there are more questions than answers. I have a faith in God. I believe God still loves me if I got divorced, if I was homosexual, if I was black, white, tan,..etc. I DO NOT and NEVER will believe that God thinks it is OK for a man to hit me, to call me names, to confuse me, to tease me, to belittle me and to tell me what to do and hurt me if I don't do what he says. THAT IS NOT LOVE... THAT IS ABUSE. God doesn't say "ABUSE"...HE says LOVE...And, I believe that God wants me to love His children no matter what. I don't have to live with and have a relationship with everyone, but I love them because God created them. That is enough for me. I won't be in a relationship with an abuser..I won't do what my parents tell me to do only because they have some inflated idea that they know what is best for me. They did when I was a child..I am no longer a child. I don't tell them how to live their lives and I expect the same respect in return. I deserve that. I could go on and on. I know this is all confusing. But listen to your heart and your head. Listen to God through songs, through the joy of music. Listen to him through "signs" around us..the positive people He puts in your path, or the people who love us even though we are flawed. Not through the people who put us down because we are flawed. I am here. I support you in whatever you choose to do for you. REMEMBER.."You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think". Listen to your inner voice..your gut instinct. That just may be God talking to you. You don't have to do anything that you don't want to right now. Hugs to you Emily!  Karen |
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Post by EmilyG on Aug 25, 2019 5:18:04 GMT
Hi Karen,
I was so stupid. I gave my gf another chance, and she hurt me again. I was so alone and confused and didn't know where to turn. And then she came to my work, parked just outside and waited for me. And she was crying and saying she couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. She said she missed me so much it hurt. And she said she was in counseling, and she was determined to change and she never wanted to hurt me or anyone else again. She said she didn't expect me to give her another chance or to come back to her, but she just wanted me to know. I was already so on edge emotionally, I just broke right down and started crying and I told her I loved her. I went home with her that night. I went back to the shelter the next day to get my things and my roommate tried so hard to talk me out of it but I didn't want to hear anything she was saying. I was so hopeful things were going to work out this time, I was so foolish.
We had a fight this morning and I said I was going to leave but she wouldn't let me. she dragged me all over the house for an hour screaming in my face, punching and kicking me. After that I was afraid to leave. Later she said she was sorry and I said I forgive her and she believes everything is ok now. But I'm planning to leave again after the weekend. That's when she goes back to work and I'm afraid to risk anything while she's here. I called my mom after, I don't know why, and she said I can come back home and I don't have to go to church or have anything to do with the church if I don't want to. I asked her why she's saying this now and she said because she's afraid next time my gf is going to kill me and she doesn't want to lose me. So I asked her what about my dad and she told me she'll deal with him and not to worry.
So I told her I'd come home and now I can't stop worrying that I'm doing the wrong thing. All my life I've tried to do the right thing and it seems like it always turns out wrong. I feel like such a screw-up sometimes.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Aug 27, 2019 4:11:15 GMT
Hey Emily, you are not a screw up, you are a victim of abuse from many different people. All that trauma takes a toll on , and unfortunately, you are still being abused. I hope your mother is being honest with you. It is good to see that she thinks your life is more important than her church and what it thinks.
I am glad you are planning to leave. Be very careful, call the police if needed when you plan to leave. You are not stupid, Your girlfriend used every tactic in the book and she hooked you again. She will hurt you again, this isn't the last time. Many of us have gone back and many of us have regretted it. We have been there, scared, alone, confused and not knowing what is the right thing to do.
It can be very hard to figure out what to do next. Where ever you go next, please, give yourself time to think. Time to rest and recover and then figure out what the next step is. If your next step is to leave where you are, then look on this forum for an article about how to have a safety plan to leave. Or call the shelter and talk to them about leaving. Right now, you are looking for answers and that is very understandable, but the place to look for those answers? Is inside of you. I know you feel like you are not sure..but I promise you, the answer is in you, sometimes we just have to quiet the voices around us that keep trying to tell us what to do. Those voices don't know what is best for you. Only you can know that and right now, maybe just go where it is quiet. And do not respond to your girlfriend at all,
She does not love you..she loves what you do for her. She loves how you adore her and do whatever it is she wants. That is what she loves. THat is not love. It is abuse.
IF you go home, try and set some boundaries. Meaning..don't go to church. Don't talk to your parents right now about anything you don't want to share. Anything you share with them, they will bring it up later and try and use it, so perhaps be very selective in what you want your parents to know. And for now, just breathe and give yourself time to think and rest. I know I said that, but there is so much going on inside your head and heart...that you may just need to calm all those thoughts and focus on the hour in front of you and only that hour. It gets very overwhelming to try and figure out the rest of your life in a very short time.
I don't think you are doing the wrong thing. Do you? Getting away from someone who screams at you, drags you around and punches and kicks you? How can that be wrong? I would be running out the door and telling her to go F*&^ herself.
It will be ok Emily. Try and trust your inner voice. If is says to leave, then leave. Go where you are safe, that is the most important thing. Call the shelter and get a plan in place to leave. Or call the National DV hotline..speak to someone about your plan so they can make sure you will be safe.
Sending you a hug Emily, I am so sorry your gf is a shit and she hurt you so badly. I hope she gets what she deserves someday.
Karen
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