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Post by Ava on Mar 18, 2018 18:43:18 GMT
Hello! This is my first post in over a year but I wanted to let you all know how I am. First, I want to thank everyone who helped me the last few years after I got out of my abusive relationship and through some hard times with my new relationship. Most of it had to do with my PTSD and guilt over feeling like I was burdening her with it, and her not knowing how to help. My girlfriend and I were in couples counseling together for about 10 months and were able to work through it for the most part. I'm still in individual counseling but it's down to once a month. But we'll both go back if we feel like it's needed. We've been together for 2 1/2 years now--next month we'll have officially been together longer than I was with my ex! And, we just got engaged! It's surreal, and amazing. We're getting married in late September. It's going to be an outdoor wedding. Fall is both of our favorite season.
We moved in together a few months ago and we are currently house hunting! It has been so much fun. Not just the house hunting, but just getting to know and enjoying each other, and growing together. She makes me laugh all the time and no matter how my day has gone, I walk through the door at the end of it she's there and it just feels peaceful. And safe. My soft place to fall. I still sometimes catch my self thinking like it's all too good to be true and I can't believe I'm here, in a happy, healthy NORMAL relationship after all that I went through with my ex. In the beginning I used to go to bed at night and think I'd wake up the next morning and realize it had all been a dream. But it's real, and I won't ever take it for granted, I can promise that.
My ex is still around my hometown. I've seen her around a few times--it kind of comes with the territory being from such a small town. But she's never said a word, or even made eye contact. She's moved on. She's still with that same girl my ex and I saw her with early last year. Abusing her, I'm sure. The saddest part is that last time I saw them together a couple of months ago, the girl had a ring on and looked 6 months pregnant. I hope I'm wrong, but she's tiny so the belly sticking out was kind of a giveaway. Life with my ex was an absolute nightmare without having kids in the picture. It ripped my heart out thinking about a baby being brought into the middle of it--and intentionally! Obviously it couldn't have been by accident. I wanted to run up to her and say, "Do you understand what you're doing? She's dangerous! Get out now!" I honestly believe that if I hadn't gotten out when I did, I'd be dead by now. And I want so badly to save her. But I know that I can't do it, she's going to have to save herself. So I have to let it go and move on and hope she sees the truth before it's too late for her and her baby. And I don't even know her...we've never said a single word to each other. I can't imagine how hard it was for my mom to to see me going through it and not being able to do anything. But she's been my rock and I'll never be able to repay her.
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Mar 20, 2018 1:57:08 GMT
Hi Ava...it is so good to hear from you!! Congrats on your engagement! That is so exciting! I love how you said "my soft place to fall". Your fiance' sounds wonderful and that is such a nice feeling to be in that happy place. You deserve all the happiness that comes your way!
I know you want to help the new partner of your ex. It is hard knowing what we know having been with the abuser and they won't listen. I am pretty sure I would not have listened much either if someone warned me. I would like to think I would now if that was the case. I know you want to save her, but we can't. If she were to feel that something wasn't right, hopefully she will find her way to talking to someone who can help her. I know I was lucky in that I was able to connect with my ex-boyfriend's ex wife. He cheated on her with me and I had a strong need to apologize to her. I tried to warn that same ex-boyfriend's NEW partner, she listened at first, then she ended up marrying him. Part of me felt sorry for her and part of me felt she deserved all she got because I believe he married her to get back at me and his ex-wife and she "joined" with him in his scheme. I can't imagine that she is happy. I told her I would be her friend if she ever needed one, but now I am not so sure. I don't trust her and I probably wouldn't respond if she contacted me.
I am so glad your Mom was there for you, I imagine it was hard for her to not be able to help you. BUT, she sounds like she did support you when you needed it and sometimes that is all Moms, or friends, or sisters, or whoever can do to help. As you know, sometimes we have to learn on our own.
Keep going forward Ava..live everyday to the fullest! That is what it is all about. Keep checking in, always love to hear from you!
Karen
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janine
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Post by janine on Mar 21, 2018 19:21:20 GMT
Congratulations on your engagement, Ava!!!!! That's exciting news all around!!
You two have really taken your time to grow together as a couple, and made such good and mature decisions about everything. I bet your wedding is going to be magical and special. Fall is such a great time for weddings too. I am so happy for you!!!
oxoxxox
And it's very very normal to have the thoughts you expressed about your ex being with someone else, possibly even a kid involved. Just know you are not alone. My ex has been with a woman who has a young child. As sad as it is, but these women will go through their own experiences, and if they need to, there is support out there for them. Hotline, shelters, therapists, the whole lot. They will look after themselves and stay safe.
Most victims do escape and live a long happy safe life. I wish her well, and I wish the girl my ex is dating right now well.
Your kind heart and compassion shines throughout your posts here. Give yourself credit for all the work you have done, and for creating asafe and happy life for yourself. YOU did that. Way to go!
And over time I can promise you that this all will be nothing but a distant memory. It takes time. With trauma we usually say it's all about the 3 T's: Tears, talking, and time
It takes time to process the trauma and grief. And to talk about it whenever we need to. And to give it as much time as the trauma needs to be grieved.
xoxox
You got this. Good things are happening and will continue to happen.
You are safe now. Deep breaths and give yourself permission to feel happy. You deserve all the happiness out there, and then some.
oxoxoxo
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Post by Ava on Mar 24, 2018 4:13:00 GMT
Hi to both of you, Karen and Janine! How are you both doing now?
Janine, I want to tell you, you were so right about what a difference counseling makes. It's been a long hard road but I'm actually feeling good about where I am as far as my ex. I can't say it's a distant memory--I can still remember, I can still feel everything--every hateful word, every attack, every moment of despair--if I decide to think about it. But I find that it rarely enters my mind anymore, and when it does it doesn't affect me the way it used to. I've felt such a change just in the last several months. The nightmares are nearly gone, maybe once a month I'll have one--sometimes she's in it and sometimes she isn't--and I'm ok as soon as I wake up and realize it was just a dream. I can talk about it now without breaking down. I can see her out now and not feel afraid or have my heart jump into my throat. When I do see her, I do feel anger, even hatred at times, primarily at the fact that she's out there, almost certainly doing to someone else what she did to me, and it's so unfair. I still have a 5-year protection order against her, with 2 years to go, and once not too long ago, I saw her and our eyes met and she got up and turned towards me, and I thought, yes, please PLEASE walk up to me, please try to talk to me so I can have you put away. Last time we were in court, the judge told her that if she violated the order again, she'd wouldn't be going back to jail, she'd be going to PRISON, and the image of her in an orange jumpsuit made me smile. So, thoughts of vengeance come too. But I've learned to let myself feel those negative feelings for a minute, and then to let them go. But for the most part, I don't think about her anymore. She took enough from me. I refuse to let her occupy space in my mind. It only took 3+ years of counseling to be able to say that, but it was so worth all of the hard work.
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Mar 24, 2018 17:43:07 GMT
Hey Ava, I am doing really well! I am glad you are too and so glad that counselling helped you! I believe that it "takes a village" to heal and I had just that..a village (my family, my friends, this forum, yoga, lots of things to help). It can have very positive outcomes and I am so glad you had that! Them crossing our minds does fade over time. I rarely think of my ex boyfriend. The memories are still there, but they don't hurt as much as they once did. I really like living my life and not caring about where he is, or what he is doing. It really doesn't matter anymore. I don't have any attachment to him or the memories. I still get a little "triggered" when I have to drive through the town where I lived with him, but I try really hard to limit that. I am still thankful everyday that I am away from him. I can say I am pretty happy. I still struggle at times with "trusting" my new guy. I am just not ready to take that plunge again into a marriage or living together. My wounds are mostly scabbed over, but there are somethings I have not completely worked through. So, I still take one day at a time and I give myself permission not to worry so much about the future. I try really hard to live in the "here and now". I love having my own home, I love not living with a man, and I love my job and my kids and my life. So I am in a really good place. My hope going forward is to someday really be able to love someone to the fullest. I am still trying to figure out what that will look like. I love my guy (we have been together for 3 years)..but I am still working on trusting him and deciding if I want to be with him forever. But, I also tell myself I don't have to decide that right now. I can enjoy our time together and balance it with lots of time being by myself. So glad you are well Ava!! Celebrate everyday you are away from your ex!!
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Post by Ava on Mar 25, 2018 17:43:04 GMT
Hi Karen,
I'm so glad you're doing well also! I totally understand not being ready to get married. You were with your exes for so long. My ex and I were only together for 2 1/2 years. 3 1/2 years if you count the year before when we were "just friends"--and I do feel like the control and emotional manipulation began well before we were officially a couple. Not very long. But even so it took me a long time to even consider the idea of a lifelong commitment. My fiance has been thinking about it for a year and a half--one of our friends accidentally let it slip--but knew I wasn't ready.
At Christmas time last year one of our friends announced her engagement to her boyfriend and she said to us, "You guys next." Without even thinking about it I said I'd like that. Later my fiance asked me if I meant what I said and if was sure. I said I was sure. We went back in January to the couple's counselor for a few sessions just to talk things through and make sure we were both sure about it, then we got officially engaged at the end of February.
We have been through so much together. And I feel like I didn't have a choice but to go throught it...dealing with the PTSD, the emotional and physical scars, the health issues--I'm 22 and I have osteoarthritis. Fun times. But my fiance did have a choice. She could have walked away at anytime. It would have been the easy thing to do. And I wouldn't have blamed her. But she didn't. Even when I told her she should. Even when I questioned and tested her commitment. She never wavered. She's been steady as a rock. I've never been this sure about anything.
But that's me. I hope you can get there someday too but I also think it's so great that you are happy with your life with or without him. Feeling comfortable in your own skin is way more important than any relationship.
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karen
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"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Mar 25, 2018 21:49:04 GMT
Hi Ava..I agree. We all get there at our own pace. I am so glad you decided to go to a counselor for a few sessions just to make sure. I have often thought about that too. And perhaps when the time is right, my guy and I will consider that option. I don't think he nor I are ready for that next level of commitment. We love each other and there isn't anyone else either of us wants to be with. And for me, that is enough for now.
My guy, He has been married 2 times, is working on getting divorced from the second marriage. He says he got married at the urging of his Mother who made him feel guilty for being with a woman and not marrying her. His Mom is abusive and extremely religious. So, 10 years ago he was a very different person. He made choices that he regrets. He goes to counseling and continues to work on him. If he wants to be married, which right now I don't think he does, he will say. He still has a lot of baggage to work through. I am willing to be there for him, but I am not willing to get married again. I am also not willing or ready to take on his baggage. His almost ex-wife is not a good person, she cheated on him, he financially still helps her out..I just cannot take on someone else's problems like that. He has to heal at his own pace and I have to step back and let him do that. I am still working it out in my head all that I have been through and he is still working out his stuff. He still has a lot of issues..he keeps a lot of his feelings to himself and doesn't share them with me, he is still not divorced, he is very scheduled and likes his routines, he doesn't always let me into his heart and head. SO, I am just taking my time. I am not rushing into anything because I am not getting screwed up again. I am also really afraid that he will somehow become abusive. I have a tendency to see him in a similar light to the men I have been with before. I don't believe he is like them. He just does things at times that could be interpreted as abusive or just regular relationship stuff and I tend to take it as a sign of abuse. It isn't because there are not other signs to go with it. I also think I can't believe that I could be in a relationship that is successful. I just don't have the confidence to trust that it won't go south somehow. I will probably never be 100% sure of any guy ever again. On the other hand, I am also really ok with not being sure. I know that sounds strange..but I am not pushing myself to that point if I am not ready. I jumped into 2 abusive relationships in the past..actually 3 if you count the college sweetheart. I have learned not to talk myself into anything. I sound very skeptical..I know that. But, we all just have to go at our own pace.
I am all about protecting my heart right now. And, I miss not being open to giving my whole self to someone. It is ok, I tell myself everyday that I am ok with where I am. And it is hard, because there are times I feel like I should be over all the crap from the past. BUT the crap from the past leaves its' scars. So, who knows. I look forward to whatever the future holds, but I am very happy to just live in the present for now.
I am really happy for you Ava! We all have joys to celebrate! That is what it is all about:)
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