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Post by chakra7 on Jun 4, 2017 8:33:48 GMT
Having just left emotionally/controlling relationship , am finding an overwhelming desire to talk about my situation. I met with a friend , and talked very freely about my life with him , my friend was very supportive,and understanding, shocked at what I told her. Today I feel a couple of things , guilty for burdening my friend and guilty for even talking about my relationship, I still have his mantra ringing in my ears, you don't talk about us to other people., we sort our problems out ourselves.
I feel guilty for talking about myself a lot, feels weird after years of denial about how I feel. . It's like the floodgates have opened.
I know exactly why he didn't want me to talk , but he's still in my head somewhere controlling what I say or think, which makes me feel upset. I know after decades of control and emotional abuse it's not going to change just because Ive left and made the decision to never go back this time (5 previous failed attempts). Going to arrange some counselling so I can try to talk it through understand it better. Its helpful writing this post, trying to put into words how I feel at the present.
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Post by Marilyn on Jun 4, 2017 9:21:03 GMT
When I left my husband (coercive controlling relationship) I couldn't stop talking about how it was. I'd even tell strangers who stopped to talk while I was walking my new puppy. The daft thing was, some of them (women) ended up thanking me and sharing their own stories. My husband (of 46 years) had taken away my voice for so many years that I had an overwhelming urge (driven by sheer frustration and anger) to get it out of my head. Two years on I'm still talking but very selectively. I don't feel the overwhelming frustration I felt at the beginning (like being accused of a terrible crime and being locked up for life when I knew I was innocent but no body wanted to know) I feel very, very angry though. Especially that he convinced my only living child that I was all bad and he was all good. In spite of her very happy childhood (where he left most things to me) once she reached 15 and took an interest in his (racing) hobby he constantly told her and me "I prefer her to you, she's my blood" or "She grew up and saw you for what you are". If it was just him I'd never give him another thought but it's not just him. My daughter has not spoken to me or seen me for almost three years since I left them both to it. She refuses to answer any emails including the one where I told her granddad was now in a hospice and very ill. And that I cannot forgive him for.
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Post by Marilyn on Jun 4, 2017 9:22:39 GMT
Also, two years on I'm re-reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. A brilliant book :-)
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steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266
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Post by steve on Jun 4, 2017 21:04:15 GMT
Sadly, what you are going through is very normal during separation, and, as you see, is one reason many people have a hard time getting away. The guilt feelings are normal, but of course, you know that you have done nothing wrong and the guilt feelings are something he has put on you for a reason. Knowing that can really help when it happens, if you can accept the FEELING, but then remind yourself that this is his TRAINING that got you here.
It can also be helpful to remember that HE is not controlling you at all, it is your IMAGE of him that is controlling you now, and you are the one responsible for that image and what it means to you. I'm not saying it's easy, because it isn't, but with help, you can slowly modify that image of him so that it has less and less power over you. You've already started on that by realizing his REASONS for working so hard to make you feel guilty. Eventually, you can build up a counter-narrative that can talk back to his image, and gradually he'll get quieter and your own voice will get louder. But it takes time. Be patient with yourself, and get any and all help that is available.
Hope that helps a little!
--- Steve
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Post by chakra7 on Jun 5, 2017 11:28:32 GMT
Thank you for replies, your experiences and advice , it's reassuring to know others know the feelings/emotions I am experiencing at present. Have sorted some counselling today, and will definitely have a look at the why does he do that book.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jun 6, 2017 1:34:50 GMT
Hi Chakra..I too felt very guilty about talking about my situation after I was kicked out of my ex's house. One thing he had told me over and over was that I was not to talk about our relationship to anyone, that it should stay between us. It made sense at the time, but it conditioned me to not speak of things.
The "floodgates" opened a few months after he and I broke up. AND what a relief it was. I am a talker..I always have been and for someone to tell me not to talk..very difficult for me. My ex-husband tried the same thing..after 20 years of his crap..I wasn't quiet anymore. I felt a lot of shame though when I talked about things..I felt like it was my fault for not stopping what was going on, like somehow it was my fault.
I went to counselling and that was the best thing to help me. I also found myself telling my story to anyone my "gut" felt was comfortable to share with. I had this very strong urge to educate anyone who was listening on Domestic Violence with the hope that by spreading the word, Domestic Violence would stop. I still talk to anyone who doubts what is happening in their relationships. I so want to prevent other's from getting hurt like I did. It shocks me sometimes how many people I come across (mostly women) who are in violent, abusive relationships.
So, my thought is if talking helps you..then talk when you feel like it, and if it doesn't, then don't. You have control over what you say, who you say it to, and why you say it. That is freedom and it is a wonderful thing. Give yourself time..the further you get away from the abuse, the more you may find yourself wanting to talk about things. For me, it was very helpful, once I got past my feelings of guilt and doubt. I was hesitant to talk, because I doubted that what I was saying was even valid. But this forum really helped me to express myself and sort things through. Talking got easier over time and it was also very therapeutic for me.
Anytime you need to post..feel free. We are hear to listen and help!
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Post by chakra7 on Jun 7, 2017 15:19:15 GMT
After just one post on this site,and the replies to it I am struck by the same threads running through the stories even down to the phrases/tactics the controlling partners use ! For so long my partner trained me to believe that the way he treated me was acceptable, and I believed it was just me that had to live that way, and everybody else's life was rosey. and the issues were all in my head.. I know that I will have to work through things in counselling to come out the other side.
Reading why does he do,that, By. Lundy Bancroft lots of light bulb moments for me, ,it tells is exactly how,it is , not always easy reading though, sometimes have to stop and return to it later. This forum platform is a real help, another form of therapy to get me to a better place I hope.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Jun 7, 2017 22:01:01 GMT
Hi Chakra..I hear you and agree wholeheartedly with what you just said. I still go back and ready Lundy's book even 4 years after choosing to leave my ex-husband and staying away from a boyfriend after I left my marriage. I could only read it in small amounts because it got too overwhelming and
Oh MY..how those light bulbs went off for me. Between the book and counseling..my eyes were wide open and I was shocked at all that I had been through...so MANY others had experienced. WORD FOR WORD>>>TACTIC FOR TACTIC..it amazed me !! Like the ABUSERS all went to the SAME school.
BUT..all that I read, and saw, and talked about...it all validated for me what had happened. AND I needed that so badly.
Come and go here as much or as little as you need. I take breaks some days just because I can't emotionally deal with all of it.
Hugs to you Chakra..one day at a time!
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