Post by shmeepfairy on Apr 26, 2017 22:52:22 GMT
Hello,
I'm new here, but have been looking for somewhere with people to talk to that understand things.
I have been through a couple of abusive relationships, and several people who have assaulted in various ways over the years. The first time I kept quiet about it for years, but I wonder how much it led into the rest.
In my 2 relationships, the first was with someone that became angry, threw things across the room/punched things, shouted, and was BDSM type stuff in the bedroom. This ended in a good few occasions he would continue in intercourse when I was firmly saying no - I remember lying there thinking that I didnt want it, but quiet and placid as he held me down anyhow. He always told me he didnt think I'd meant no, but it happened too often for it to be a mistake. He controlled what I ate, what I did and what we did together. He would talk down to me in public, embarrass me constantly, and even used to throw pennies on the ground commenting with 'you're a jew, pick it up' - and I did, like an idiot.
After that relationship I swore I wouldn't be with someone like that again. Unfortunately, I walked out of the frying pan and into the fire.
The second relationship wasn't physically abusive - or rather, not outside the bedroom. It was a strict BDSM 24/7 relationship - not something I was looking for, but I fell into it anyhow. He was extremely controlling. Everything had to be run by him, even if I wanted to touch myself when I was at home (sorry, too much info I'm sure). I knew he enjoyed hurting me, so as the months rolled on, things got more extreme. I look back now, and in my right mind, there is no way I would have consented to a fraction of what we did, but I knew he was loosing interest in me, and I was desperate to please him, so I let him do everything. I often had bruises so large that they would stop me being able to sit down for a couple of weeks - and all the time I was asking him to do it again because I knew he would run off otherwise. It became a sick little game. He knew he had control of me, he knew that he could withhold attention, and I would be begging him to do anything that would allow him to talk to me again. He called me his property, he treated me like an object - any feelings I had were ignored until I stopped showing them. I was his. He would call me names constantly - whore, bitch and slave became everyday - they were normal.
During that relationship we 'played' with others I wasn't comfortable with, and he would openly mess around with women I knew. He demanded it was an open relationship, but was never open about who he was sleeping with - when we broke up I found out it was several women behind my back. I knew things weren't right, but had no idea what to do about them.
When we broke up it took me years to get back to myself. I felt stupid, ugly and dirty. I had let it happen again.
I have also had a number of men do things over the years - hands where they shouldn't be, people taking advantage and a particularly nasty night where someone decided they were going to use the other place - he was strong, and I was pinned down, he only stopped when I was bleeding and he couldn't get any further. He treated me like a peace of dirt and chucked me out of the room as quick as he could.
Unfortunately my reaction has often been to freeze. The first time something happened I felt it was my fault because I didnt say no. I literally froze until it stopped, I didnt push him away or shout at him - I didnt fight.
Recently another situation came up again, and it has brought back a lot of memories/feelings. It was someone I knew, and I agreed to sleep with him the first time. I didnt feel completely comfortable, but it was sort of ok. The next time I didnt want too, and did make it quite clear. He spent 3 hours pushing and pushing all the reasons we should. That it would make me feel better, be good for me, that I'd enjoy it etc etc, and eventually I gave in - not because I had changed my mind, but because he wouldn't leave. It started with a 'just give me a hug', then 'lets hug in bed' then 'why don't you undress' etc until I was waiting for it to be over. Again I was left with a blank feeling of 'I didnt want to do that', and washed for a long time before I could go to bed. Unfortunately he has picked up that I have gone quiet, and has shown up several times unannounced, called me from a private number when I wouldn't pick up his calls, and even came over whilst my dog was missing and tried to force me into his car to go look for him - it took an hour to get rid of him, and I am pretty sure its only because my friend was with me. I feel like such an idiot.
He has brought back all of the old feelings of disgust, stupidity and fear that I have felt before. It scares me that he is around - that I let it all happen again after I promised myself it wouldn't, and that I didnt stick up for myself more. I shouldn't just go along with things when I don't want them, but I find it almost impossible when I feel trapped and know its the only way they will disappear. I hate myself for doing it, and I am constantly on edge around men. Every time someone starts talking to me, I am immediately trying to figure out what they're after - I want to settle down and start a family at some point, but how can I when I see all men as people who will take advantage or be abusive. I have no idea what to do with it all or how to feel - I know I feel disgusting, but I know most people will react to the most recent thing as something I could have put a stop too. I feel like an absolute moron.
I know some of you will have far worse things to have dealt with, I just don't really know who to talk to about stuff
Sorry its so long,
Lottie.
I'm new here, but have been looking for somewhere with people to talk to that understand things.
I have been through a couple of abusive relationships, and several people who have assaulted in various ways over the years. The first time I kept quiet about it for years, but I wonder how much it led into the rest.
In my 2 relationships, the first was with someone that became angry, threw things across the room/punched things, shouted, and was BDSM type stuff in the bedroom. This ended in a good few occasions he would continue in intercourse when I was firmly saying no - I remember lying there thinking that I didnt want it, but quiet and placid as he held me down anyhow. He always told me he didnt think I'd meant no, but it happened too often for it to be a mistake. He controlled what I ate, what I did and what we did together. He would talk down to me in public, embarrass me constantly, and even used to throw pennies on the ground commenting with 'you're a jew, pick it up' - and I did, like an idiot.
After that relationship I swore I wouldn't be with someone like that again. Unfortunately, I walked out of the frying pan and into the fire.
The second relationship wasn't physically abusive - or rather, not outside the bedroom. It was a strict BDSM 24/7 relationship - not something I was looking for, but I fell into it anyhow. He was extremely controlling. Everything had to be run by him, even if I wanted to touch myself when I was at home (sorry, too much info I'm sure). I knew he enjoyed hurting me, so as the months rolled on, things got more extreme. I look back now, and in my right mind, there is no way I would have consented to a fraction of what we did, but I knew he was loosing interest in me, and I was desperate to please him, so I let him do everything. I often had bruises so large that they would stop me being able to sit down for a couple of weeks - and all the time I was asking him to do it again because I knew he would run off otherwise. It became a sick little game. He knew he had control of me, he knew that he could withhold attention, and I would be begging him to do anything that would allow him to talk to me again. He called me his property, he treated me like an object - any feelings I had were ignored until I stopped showing them. I was his. He would call me names constantly - whore, bitch and slave became everyday - they were normal.
During that relationship we 'played' with others I wasn't comfortable with, and he would openly mess around with women I knew. He demanded it was an open relationship, but was never open about who he was sleeping with - when we broke up I found out it was several women behind my back. I knew things weren't right, but had no idea what to do about them.
When we broke up it took me years to get back to myself. I felt stupid, ugly and dirty. I had let it happen again.
I have also had a number of men do things over the years - hands where they shouldn't be, people taking advantage and a particularly nasty night where someone decided they were going to use the other place - he was strong, and I was pinned down, he only stopped when I was bleeding and he couldn't get any further. He treated me like a peace of dirt and chucked me out of the room as quick as he could.
Unfortunately my reaction has often been to freeze. The first time something happened I felt it was my fault because I didnt say no. I literally froze until it stopped, I didnt push him away or shout at him - I didnt fight.
Recently another situation came up again, and it has brought back a lot of memories/feelings. It was someone I knew, and I agreed to sleep with him the first time. I didnt feel completely comfortable, but it was sort of ok. The next time I didnt want too, and did make it quite clear. He spent 3 hours pushing and pushing all the reasons we should. That it would make me feel better, be good for me, that I'd enjoy it etc etc, and eventually I gave in - not because I had changed my mind, but because he wouldn't leave. It started with a 'just give me a hug', then 'lets hug in bed' then 'why don't you undress' etc until I was waiting for it to be over. Again I was left with a blank feeling of 'I didnt want to do that', and washed for a long time before I could go to bed. Unfortunately he has picked up that I have gone quiet, and has shown up several times unannounced, called me from a private number when I wouldn't pick up his calls, and even came over whilst my dog was missing and tried to force me into his car to go look for him - it took an hour to get rid of him, and I am pretty sure its only because my friend was with me. I feel like such an idiot.
He has brought back all of the old feelings of disgust, stupidity and fear that I have felt before. It scares me that he is around - that I let it all happen again after I promised myself it wouldn't, and that I didnt stick up for myself more. I shouldn't just go along with things when I don't want them, but I find it almost impossible when I feel trapped and know its the only way they will disappear. I hate myself for doing it, and I am constantly on edge around men. Every time someone starts talking to me, I am immediately trying to figure out what they're after - I want to settle down and start a family at some point, but how can I when I see all men as people who will take advantage or be abusive. I have no idea what to do with it all or how to feel - I know I feel disgusting, but I know most people will react to the most recent thing as something I could have put a stop too. I feel like an absolute moron.
I know some of you will have far worse things to have dealt with, I just don't really know who to talk to about stuff
Sorry its so long,
Lottie.