|
Post by lincslass on Apr 10, 2017 13:58:40 GMT
This is the first time I have had to broach the subject of abuse in a relationship.
My bf is kind and funny with a great sense of humour and a good job...or so I have thought for the past 6 months. This weekend was different .
I took my dog to his house. It was the first time my dog had been expected to sleep over somewhere other than my home or my mother's home. As I half expected he didn't settle too well and was awake in a strange house at 1am. He started whining and came upstairs. I sorted him out and sent him back down; unfortunately the same thing happened at 3am. I sorted this out again whilst my bf was sleeping. At 5am he did it again only louder. This time my bf got up and started yelling abuse at my dog. He physically threw him onto the sofa downstairs and shouted' "Don't run away from me you little shit!!". He came back upstairs and shouted at me to, "Get his fucking muzzle on him!!". I refused and said that I did not want him sleeping in his muzzle as he could wake up with it around his neck which is very dangerous. I went downstairs to my dog and stayed on the sofa with him. The dog was physically shaking at this point. I don't know if he hit him at all. I barely slept a wink. I got up off the sofa at 7am and made a drink. I fed and toileted both dogs, mine and his. My bf got up about 8.30am and had breakfast. He said to me that he had got no sleep and that I could not bring my dog overnight again. He said that it would take several nights for the dog to settle and that if he had another night like that one he "would not be responsible for his actions."
I said that actually I had heard him snoring between 1am and when he got up at 5am and again from when I went downstairs until 8.30am when he had got up. It was I that had not had much sleep at all.
Since I got home I have been thinking about many things regarding that night. I recalled that earlier on in the day I was holding an iron for my bf. It was quite heavy as, for some reason, he had left it full of water. My wrist slipped and water went onto the floor. I apologised which was not acknowledged. Instead the iron was snatched from my hand and he marched out of the room with it muttering something under his breath.
I know that it has been a while since either of us has had a serious relationship and we are a bit set in our ways. In fact I deliberately stayed single for a couple of years after my last relationship with a man who was an alcoholic. My bf has had several dates and short lived dalliances in that time saying that women have stayed with him for short periods and then abandoned the relationship with excuses like they live too far apart etc. I am now beginning to wonder what the real reasons were.
There have been previous signs now that I think about it. We went to a concert in December and stayed over in a hotel. when we got back that night he was in the kitchen and dropped something. I heard him swear and asked if he was ok as I didn't know what he had done, maybe dropped whatever it was onto his foot etc. He said,"Fucking hell! Do I have to give you a fucking running commentary?!". I have also been told by him that I am too clingy and needy at the start of our relationship as I like to text daily because we live 30-40 miles apart. I was told that this was over bearing.
We have a mutual love of music and have many concerts and weekends booked over the coming year. I joked that he was booking way in advance and did he think I was running away. He said that, "The others have done. I don't want you running off." At the time I took it light heartedly but now I am not so sure.
When he is here for the next weekend I have arranged for my dog to be at my mother's house. This is because I know we need to talk but also I am concerned for my dog's welfare. I could be over egging the pudding but I need to be sure. I have been in an abusive relationship before and was abused as a child. As a result I do suffer with anxiety so I could be blowing things out of proportion.
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Apr 10, 2017 21:18:40 GMT
Hi Lincslass and welcome here,
The behavior you are describing is abusive. From what you shared above I would say with 100% certainty that: Yes, this man is abusive.
Here is why I am thinking he is abusive.
1. Dogs are family. It is NEVER ok to physically throw a dog anywhere. If you stay with him, I can see him do the same thing to you in the not too far away future.
2. I am also wondering what the real reasons were for all of the other women before you to end things with him. I doubt it was always just distance.
3. Calling your partner "too clingy" or "too needy" is verbal abuse. There is nothing wrong with having needs. There is nothing bad about wanting to text daily when you are with someone.
4. He already has you walking on eggshells. You are already changing your life in the attempt to control his behavior, because you are scared of him and his behavior. (I am only speculating here, but this is what I am hearing) That is not love, that is domestic violence. Violence in relationships starts often long before you see him punch a hole in the wall or slap you or shove you or worse. The fact that he punished you with stonewalling/silent treatment for spilling a little bit of water is abuse.
5. The fact that you have experienced abuse in life before does make you statistically speaking more vulnerable. You probably lowered your sense of what is healthy and safe, and abuse in early childhood leads us to quickly blame ourselves and minimize the abuse we experience. I have had an abusive upbringing and I used to unconsciously choose unsafe partners over and over again, until I had good therapy and realized how much my childhood trauma had affected my way of relating.
None of this is your fault. None of it.
He alone is always 100% able to choose his own behavior, and he alone is 100% responsible for his actions, and the consequences of these actions.
I am also convinced that, after everything you shared here, he did book all of the concerts ahead of time, to control you and your future. He probably thinks this will make it harder for you to leave him. That was not a joke.
If you do break up with him, I urge you to stay safe. Abusers escalate when they sense that their victim is thinking about leaving. This is a very dangerous time in the life of a woman. You might want to call a DV hotline and/or talk to a counselor about this, to come up with a safety plan.
You are not blowing things out of proportion. My gut feeling is he will slowly get worse over time, and he is an abuser.
Whatever you do, stay safe. Trust yourself. You got this, and you make good decisions.
If you want to read up a bit about this, you might like "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Bancroft is a very experienced therapist who has worked with abusive men and their partners for over 30 years.
The book was an eye-opener for me back when I left my abusive ex partner.
None of this is your fault, and I understand if you do not want to think about leaving him right now. You alone are in charge. You have the right to feel ambivalence. You have the right to change your mind.
We are here if you need an ear, anytime, and for as many times as you need an ear.
|
|
|
Post by lincslass on Apr 13, 2017 18:20:17 GMT
Thank you Janine. I will look out for the book you mentioned. I am tentative about this weekend but I will keep my post up to date. I do love the man I met, the kind and caring guy who seemed to be concerned with having a full and happy relationship. Unfortunately that has changed and the true colours seem to be appearing. I do intend to mention the issue I have with his anger. I would rather let him know that I am fully aware of this behaviour and tell him it makes me uncomfortable x
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Apr 13, 2017 22:13:24 GMT
hi lincslass..so sorry this is happening to you! Reading your post..I agree with Janine..I believe your partner is abusive and the things he has done and said make me think it can get worse.
I hear ya that you love him..I suspect the "caring guy who seemed to be concerned with having a full and happy relationship"..is very possibly a guy who wanted to appear attractive, honest, fun, loving, and caring to get you under his thumb. It is a facade they create and when we are vulnerable..we get hooked.
Be careful what you say to him about his behavior..by doing this you are giving him power to abuse you further. I believe he will do one of 2 things..he will either apologize, beg for your forgiveness and try to get back into your good graces or he will be nasty in response to your comments. If he is nasty..he will probably argue with you and make you believe that this is all in your head, or your imagination or somehow he will try and convince you that he truly loves you and he would never do anything to hurt you. Either way..only you can decide if you trust his response to be genuine. I don't mean to be harsh..but you have a man here who claims to love animals..as he has one..yet treats yours with total disregard. He could have killed your dog. He was violent with your dog. Imagine if your dog was a child..what he would have done. Also..it is fine for his dog to be present..but not yours? Do you want to be with someone who is nasty like that?
None of this is your fault and you are not causing him to be abusive. I was leary when I read about him scheduling the concerts so far in advance..this man wants to control you. He may even make you feel bad if you try and cancel or walk away because he was so "good or kind to do this out of the goodness of his heart and look what he gets in return."(this is what I have heard from my exes in similar situation) If others have run away..I suspect they had reason.
I know this is all new and concerning. If you have a choice....my gut says stay home this weekend. See how he reacts. Again..either he will want you to feel guilty, he will push to get you to come, or he will get pissed off. A normal guy would probably be disappointed..but understand your concerns.
We are here, anything we can do to help we will. I know this is a tough spot to be in. If you also have questions..there is a book called "Jerk Radar"..by Steve McCrea. Steve is an administrator on this forum..he is a great person to share thoughts with. He too has spent many hours with abusive men and heard many stories regarding "jerks". I have read his book a few times. He has a great quiz in there to help identify behaviors that identify if a partner has the potential to be abusive or if they already are. It is on "Amazon".
Stay safe!
|
|
|
Post by lincslass on Apr 14, 2017 9:52:50 GMT
Hi karen. Thankyou for your response. Thankfully it is he who will be at my place this weekend. I live in a small, fairly close knit community made up of mainly single ladies and young families. We look out for each other and all know one another quite well. My dog will be at my mums place so he is also safe. At least on my turf I am in charge. Incidentally he is charming in public as he was when we were away recently. I met up with many of his friends and we all got on really well. It was light hearted and filled with laughter. It was that weekend that I told him I loved him. Two weeks on he seemed to change. I am sure this sounds familiar to some of you on here.
I have written down what I want to say to him as it helps me to focus and concentrate on the matter in hand. I am, and always have been, a peace loving hippy chick. The attitude of love and friendship always helps me to get through whatever life has chucked at me in the past(and it has thrown some seriously large bricks in my direction!). I know that I have to be strong now and not allow myself to be abused again. I am not a religious person although I am spiritual so I would ask that anyone reading this post to please hold me in their thoughts this weekend xx
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Apr 15, 2017 12:39:56 GMT
Hi Linsclass,
You got this. Trust yourself. I'll send some positive vibes your way with lots of self-compassion for yourself. This is hard, and it's ok to feel ambivalence.
Anyone whose dog had been physically abused and thrown around like a doll would feel this way. It's not your fault. Your reaction is a normal human reaction to abnormal and abusive/violent behavior.
And it's also ok that you still want to work things out with him. You have the right to do all of that. You might find it useful to google "DV bill of rights". That list always felt good to read because abusers can easily manipulate the victim into thinking it is her fault, or that she at least also makes mistakes and should take responsibility for what happened as well.
It is always 100% the fault of the abuser. He chooses to act this way. And if he claims he cannot "help himself" then he is 100% responsible for entering a counseling/therapy program out of his own will, and resume the relationship at a later point in time when he is a safe and mature and healthy partner.
Not your fault. Not your responsibility.
I hope your weekend is safe and you get to recharge your batteries after a long work week.
|
|
|
Post by sarah on Apr 18, 2017 0:14:44 GMT
Definitely abusive..and to animals too.And these just the tip of the iceberg so to speak..He's controlling to suit his needs..My advice-get away from him.He is not respecting you or your dog's needs.It might be you next time he throws about and the dog will get worse.
|
|
|
Post by lincslass on Apr 21, 2017 19:35:52 GMT
We have had a discussion. He has apologised and I have reason to believe he is genuine. However it has become clear to me that I still have real issues due to the past problems that I experienced. When someone raises their voice or snaps at me, I am instantly filled with fear. A previous partner was extremely abusive and, years on, it clearly haunts me. I am proceeding with caution in my current relationship and he is aware of that. I have joined the fb group and I thank you all for your support.
|
|
janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
|
Post by janine on Apr 21, 2017 20:38:04 GMT
Anytime you need an ear, you know where to find us
|
|