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Post by xmas13 on Feb 28, 2017 22:44:04 GMT
He called me tonight !!! I had blocked him but took this off !! I was driving when the call, came through. My phone didn't ring almost like he had made a mistake. On getting home I checked again and it was actually a face time call !!! This has unnerved me tonight. He would normally Face time his daughter around that time, but the initials wouldn't be next to each other not the names. I can't help but think it's a game plan and it was deliberate, to unnerve me !! But with a back up it was a mistake incase he needs that. I have been doing well trying to love me, eating properly, walking and writing in my journal and meditating and I do feel a lot lot better. Why have I left myself open again to this abuse ? Why can't I just close that door to HELL ?? Thank you xx
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janine
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Post by janine on Mar 1, 2017 0:02:14 GMT
You know what this is? A good moment to practice self-compassion and care.
The other day I overate on chocolates for the second time that week, and I had been so badly wanting to lose weight and live healthier.
After I finished the last piece of chocolate I had a choice to make.
1. I could beat myself up, get really angry at myself
2. I could write it off as a 'did not work as I planned...oh well.' and end the day on a kind note.
I chose the second option and went on a little walk, took a hot bath, watched a funny happy movie, and had tea.
The next day I went back to my diet.
How about we write this off as "oh well."....and end the day being extra kind to yourself.
Tomorrow is a new day.
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Post by xmas13 on Mar 1, 2017 18:13:19 GMT
Hi Jeannine thank you for your responds, I can see right through what he did and it's the way he starts out every time. I have thought a lot about what he must really think of me that I would fall for this kind of manipulation yet again for the 100 time and that's not good thoughts. I have been my own worst enemy. I remember saying to him last year " would he want his daughter to go out with him " his reply NO !!! He is a classic abuser a zillion percent and I know with a sick comfort he will go on to find an other victim, well this victim has had it today I see him in a different light a sad sick old man who will never do the work that is required for him to heal and have a happy lovely relationship with a woman, whilst I know my faults and I am actually doing something about it thank u xx
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Post by xmas13 on Mar 1, 2017 18:14:26 GMT
Hi Jeannine thank you for your responds, I can see right through what he did and it's the way he starts out every time. I have thought a lot about what he must really think of me that I would fall for this kind of manipulation yet again for the 100 time and that's not good thoughts. I have been my own worst enemy. I remember saying to him last year " would he want his daughter to go out with him " his reply NO !!! He is a classic abuser a zillion percent and I know with a sick comfort he will go on to find an other victim, well this victim has had it today I see him in a different light a sad sick old man who will never do the work that is required for him to heal and have a happy lovely relationship with a woman, whilst I know my faults and I am actually doing something about it thank u xx
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janine
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Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Mar 2, 2017 0:03:56 GMT
You are such a thoughtful person, and no matter how many times you drink and break no contact, you can always return to it. You see him for what he really is, and I agree. He will never be a normal partner to anyone. But he will try and convince you and any other victims otherwise, like all abusers do. Now might be a good time to connect with a counselor, if you haven't yet, to see how a little bit of extra support during this healing journey might feel. You deserve it. You are not a bad person for drinking too much sometimes and then texting an ex. Hell, I and every single one of my girlfriends have done that. I actually cut out alcohol out of my life years ago, because it made me feel depressed, ashamed of myself, and it fed right into that feeling of worthlessness. I felt so worthless and not worthy of life. Because alcohol is a depressant and it will always increase anxiety and depression. Life is not always a butterfly pony ride without alcohol. It is raw. It is hard. But it is real and I am feeling all of my feelings while working on learning how to actually like myself and have compassion for the scared and lonely inner little girl. If you haven't yet, I recommend listening to Tara Brach's free talks on her website. www.tarabrach.com/real-not-true/www.tarabrach.com/spiritual-reparenting/Those two talks made me bawl my eyes out, and really helped me to learn how to be kind to myself when I felt like I had failed or deserved the suffering and shame I was feeling. You got this xmas. No matter how many times, you gently move on. Like a child that falls 20 or 50 times or 400 times. We gently hug the child, blow a kiss to his or her wounds and scratches, and then whenever she feels ready, we support the little girl on her next attempt to walk alone by herself. Be there for your inner little girl. She is so deserving, so lovable, so good and sweet. You can love her and you can give her what she needs. |
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Post by xmas13 on Mar 2, 2017 15:23:09 GMT
Hi janine, thank you again for your reply and support. I am in such a mess I just had to double back from a lunch date with an old client due to a panic attack !!! I have suffered with these on and off for about 17 years they come and go, but clearly when things aren't going well for me back they come 10 fold. I feel such an idiot that I had to cancel and feel I have let her down terribly. I have been given tablets from Doc but I had managed to get off these whilst doing therapy, therapist take on mess "you need to face why you feel the way you and deal with what ever it is " so to go back on them is a huge thing for me !! Just feeling lost today, and I was so looking forward to seeing her new house, just feeling angry with me today xx
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janine
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Post by janine on Mar 2, 2017 16:30:18 GMT
I once backed out of a job interview the day before I was supposed to go, and I backed out of being shortlisted for a prestigious job i had applied for, all due to panic attacks.
It sucks, it's hard to function with them. You have my compassion.
More importantly, now is again a good time to be kind to yourself.
If you feel like medication would help, there is nothing wrong with talking to your doctor about it.
My therapist also recommends using as little medication as possible, but he supports meds if it means you get your ability back to function in daily life.
You are not a bad person.
You are a good person that is feeling bad right now.
That bad feeling is temporary.
It too shall pass
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