I totally understand your way of thinking Lizzie.
I went back to my abusive ex in total I think three times. Mainly because he kept crying and telling everyone he wanted to kill himself because he could not live without me.
Crocodile tears, empty promises, more tears. I fell for it, again and again. I kept thinking "If only.....then it would be perfect with him."
I REALLY wanted to believe he was good deep down and only needed help. Then that whole nightmare would be over and we could move on.
Abusers abuse because they want to and because they can. To me it felt like learning about a new country and culture.
There are people who, unlike normal people, get pleasure out of controlling others. It is what they want. It is a conscious decision.
Which is why normal people think that if only they can get the right help, if they only love enough, if they only go back one more time...it will be ok.
In reality it is like trying to make Saudi Arabia not a sharia law extremist country.
It is impossible. It is a different world in which either you accept the abuse and risk your safety, wellbeing, integrity, happiness and often life, you need to stay away from this place, namely the relationship with the abuser.
It is one of the hardest things I have ever done.
It was not an event, it was a process. From the first time the thought of "Hmm, is THIS domestic violence? No...it cannot be....I am not like one of THOSE women and he is not one of THOSE men (insert every single stereotype about DV). After all I came from a middle class university background, my ex seemed to have been ok in the community we met in, he did not hit me like abusive men in the movies do.
And....after all I felt sorry for him because he said his ex had cheated on him, and his stepfather had been mean to him.
I wanted to save him.
And I risked my own life in the process, again and again, until I decided that yes, it was sad he was abusive. And yes, there may be reasons why he is abusive,
but that is his choice. I cannot change that. I also cannot risk my own health and life for his problems. That would be self-abuse and enabling of abuse.
If someone truly wants to change, they get the right help. By themselves.
If they truly love you and care about you, they would stay away and get the right help because someone who loves you, would never want to harm or endanger you.
It is not love, it is traumatic bonding and abuse.
They never change.
I hope your counseling appointment tomorrow goes well.
If that first counselor does not feel right, please give yourself permission to shop around for the right one.
You can read up on red flags of bad counselors, because like in any other profession there are many good ones, and a few bad ones.
I used this list before I chose a therapist:
www.goodtherapy.org/blog/warning-signs-of-bad-therapy/And give yourself permission to just be, Lizzie.
You do NOT have to do anything, you do NOT have to decide anything, you do NOT have to please anyone or care for anyone or worry about anyone else's well-being other than your own.
You deserve this time. As much time as you need.
Try to prepare yourself for the worst case scenario - he gets out of jail and nothing happens,
and if he does approach you again and he is arrested it is 100% his fault and responsibility.
I actually contacted and met up with my ex several times after getting a restraining order.
I felt SO much shame about that, it almost made me commit suicide at that time.
Now I understand that I had experienced post traumatic stress because of the abuse I experienced at his hands.
Trauma messes with your brain chemistry. Literally. It changes how you think and feel and act.
It was not my fault.
I did the best I could at that time. And it was very very hard.
This is not your fault.
This is hard and you do the best you can. Right here, right now.