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Post by Lizzie on Feb 15, 2017 6:15:19 GMT
6 days ago, I ended up in the hospital. It wasn't anything he did, just a freak accident. We have this wobbly bookshelf and I reached for something on the top and the whole thing came down on me. He was at work and I couldn't reach him so I had to call my mom. She started asking me questions in sort of a roundabout way. Asking how things have been at home, if he's treating me ok. Point in out a bruise on my arm and asking how it happened. Asking without asking. I suspect my brother said something to her, but I can't be sure. Anyway, I'm ok. I just bruised some ribs and pulled a muscle in my back really bad. I went home the same day. But that night, I started having nightmares. Like non-stop. I wake up from one and then it seems like the moment I close my eyes to go back to sleep, it starts all over again. Sometimes a continuation of the original dream, sometimes a new one. I can't really sleep after the first one. It's just a cycle of falling asleep part way and then being startled awake. They're so vivid and realistic, some of them things that actually happened, that sometimes, it takes me a while after I wake up to realize that it was only a dream. I'll wake up and he's there and I start shaking and feel like I have to get away from him. One morning at breakfast I kept flashing back to it and I had to keep telling myself it wasn't real. Usually around 3 or 4 in the morning, I give in and just get up for the day, just to make it stop. I spent this last weekend with my parents again. I thought if I got out of the house, maybe it would stop, but it hasn't. I'm so tired. I'm desperate for sleep, but I'm afraid to sleep.
Things have been calm otherwise since my accident. He's insisting on taking care of me. I know he's still gambling, I found the receipts from Superbowl Sunday. But he hasn't come home drunk, at least not obviously.
I don't know what is happening to me.
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 15, 2017 12:13:08 GMT
Hi Lizzie,
It sounds like you have had maybe flashbacks/nightmares related to PTSD. (Post traumatic stress syndrome). What your partner did to you, and still does, is domestic violence. DV (domestic violence) can traumatize a person in more or less the same ways a war veteran can be traumatized in a battlefield or even "just" the abusive and controlling lifestyle of the military. By abusive in this case I mean that the military employs methods that break and remake a person's psychological functioning. They need you to suppress your basic human instincts for survival, so that you pick up that gun again and walk into the battlefield and possible injuries or death.
This relationship you are currently living in, is the battlefield. And you are an invisible hero. By invisible I mean that from the outside others might think we are ok. Getting up for work, putting on a smile, trying to look and act like it's all good. On the inside it is a different story though. Lack of sleep, debilitating flashbacks etc.
I remember right after being attacked by my ex, I had probably hmmm.... 6 months I want to say. 6 months up to 12 months where my nightmares were so bad that I dreaded going to bed. I'd wake up at 3am and go on walks just to not deal with the nightmares. Often he was in them, hunting me down. The nightmares went away and now I laugh at this little worm of a 'man' who thought it was ok to belittle me, to yell at me, to threaten to choke me until I die, who showed off his sharp chef knives and made sure I knew he had them at home, etc. A little weak worm. But the psychological power it had over me, the trauma, was hard. It was so hard that time.
That is why leaving is not only dangerous, but hard. I was exhausted. And I also felt like i was going crazy. From one day to the next I would be angry at people who had just saved me from my ex. Today I know it wasn't my fault. I was experiencing traumatic bonding.
If you haven't yet, try to call a DV hotline again and see if there is free counseling available if your insurance doesn't cover it. You dont have to live like this.
The fog will lift again and you will feel like yourself again. I just dont think this will be possible for as long as you live with him.
He is still gambling and hiding the receipts. This shows he is willing to lie to you and betray the trust of the relationship. I urge you to be very very careful if you choose to stay with him for now. He will abuse you again, and he will probably use excuses like "I have been trying so hard to do what you wanted me to, and this is how you thank me? What else do I have to do to show you I love you?"
He will use his 'ok phase' to make you believe he deserves another (yet another) chance. The problem with abusers is they lowered the bar of 'good behavior' so far, that victims of abuse need very little to feel a little bit of hope again and stay on the ride a little longer. The change is usually slow and gradually, so by the time victims think about DV and look it up, their relationship is already actually giving them so very little of what a safe, loving, trustful relationship should give them.
And i do clearly separate between being an abuser, and being a gambler/addicted to substances or sex or any other external substitution. He is an abuser, and besides being an abuser he has addiction struggles. One has nothing to do with the other. A friend of mine just lost her drug addicted fiance. He was a kind man who always treated her well, but the sexual abuse he experienced as a child left him traumatized and broken, and he overdosed.
There are plenty of abusers who are 'perfect' from the outside. No alcohol or drug use, no gambling. The perfect family man who leads a church or a political office. Abusers are abusers for life, and only very very few really want to change. And if they do, they need to actively seek out counseling themselves and also separate from their partners for a while to work on themselves. Even the most experienced marriage/family therapists agree that abusers in 99% of cases never change.
I know I felt like I was going crazy. I had intense mood swings. There was a lot of anger, masking my fear. My limbic system (our lizard brain that is responsible for for example flight or fight response) was firing warnings left and right. The adrenaline in your blood will be very high as well because you are literally 'sleeping with the enemy', which is the title of a great movie about DV (with lots of triggers so I dont recommend watching it at this point in time)
Just the other day I was reading a book about attachment, and we can biologically speaking attach only to one main 'lighthouse'. The second you went back to your ex, the lighthouse changed from being primarily attached to maybe your brother or parents, to your ex/current partner.
You did nothing wrong and this is not your fault. You dont have to live like this.
What's your next step? What do you feel comfortable doing? Maybe it feels right for now to wait a little longer without doing. Just being. Maybe, it feels right to call a DV hotline. You remain anonymous, and all they do is listen, validate your feelings, and offering free services such as counseling. Maybe it feels right to read the book 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft, but keep the book at your parents house where he cannot find it, and read it there.
If he abuses you again, it is not your fault. Stay safe, trust your gut. Leaving and the time right after leaving are when most deaths of women occur. You dont want to be another statistic. Your life is so much more than this one relationship.
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misterm
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Post by misterm on Feb 16, 2017 1:12:28 GMT
totally sympathize about the nightmares, it makes everything such a struggle when you cant sleep properly getting on for 8 months for me now, not every night but the majority
sorry i cant advise what to do except to protect yourself if that means staying with your parents do that
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Post by Lizzie on Feb 17, 2017 5:47:14 GMT
Hi,
Thank you for your replies. I've been thinking about what you said Janine. I want to see him for who he really is and I suspect you and my brother are right. It's just hard for me to see him that way. I still feel like there's a good man underneath. He really was a good man. It was just after he won all of that money in Reno, and he got addicted to it. There was nothing before that, that I would have seen as a "red flag". He never even raised his voice at me. And I feel like he's still in there. I just don't think I can't take much more waiting (hoping) for him to come back out.
I'm still not sleeping. The nightmares haven't stopped. Today I got lightheaded at work and I thought I was going to pass out. My co-workers wanted to take me to the doctor, but I told them I was fine. I'm not. I know that. My body tenses up when he comes near me. He feels it too and he asks me why I can't relax and if I'm thinking about leaving again. And that just makes me more tense. My co-workers have even started noticing and asking if everything is okay. One of them accidentally bumped in to me from behind a few days ago and I felt like my heart was going to jump into my throat. I'm afraid if something doesn't change, I'm going to end up really sick. I need to leave. But I'm scared. And every time I think of leaving, I feel like an ass. Like I'd owe him an explanation. I imagine having this discussion with him, telling him that I'll always care about him, but I have to leave for the sake of my own well-being, and he's completely understanding and we part peacefully. I know that's not likely to happen. I don't want to end up hating him. But I don't want to be a statistic either. I'm just not thinking straight anymore. Today I picked up the phone twice to call my mom and tell her the truth. I stopped before I even finished dialing. I know I sound weak but I never thought it would be this hard. Do you know how many times I've been driving to work and I'm so tempted to drive right past it and keep on driving and never look back?
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Post by Lizzie on Feb 18, 2017 6:15:49 GMT
I can't take it anymore, I'm done. I'm literally writing this from the bathroom. He's been going off today, wanting to know why I'm so nervous, why I won't let him near me, and that he knows I'm thinking about leaving, but oh, how he feels I actually left a long time ago because it's been so long since he's felt love from me. He tried to get me to have sex this morning, he got on top of me and I said no and started crying. He just looked at me for a minute and I didn't know which way it was going to go, but he got off of me and said, "Do you think I'd make you do something you don't want to do?" Which made me feel like a horrible person for even thinking such a thing. He's been going off about how much he loves me and how hard he's been trying to show it and why am I going cold on him now. I couldn't even get away to the bathroom until I promised him I wasn't going to leave him. I texted my mom to tell her I'm coming over tomorrow and now I'm posting here. He's called in here twice to ask if I'm okay and to say I've been in here "a while". Well, that's it, I'd better go. Send courage to me for tomorrow.
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 18, 2017 18:32:25 GMT
This is hard and it was never your fault. Try to be extra kind to yourself. One day at a time, one step at a time.
I remember my ex used to say over and over and over again: "You're leaving me, aren't you?" And I felt all sorts of feelings. Guilt, shame, fear, anger, more fear, frustration, more guilt.
It sounds like now might be a good time to reach out to a licensed mental health counselor / therapist to talk about the PTSD symptoms you are experiencing right now, like the nightmares etc. These are all very normal and common results of having experienced domestic violence. Because if you think of it, what could be more traumatizing than being criminally attacked and viciously hurt and harmed by the same person that claims to 'love you'? In your own home, the place in the world you should feel safe at all times.
What you experienced was traumatizing. He is already abusing you again, by blaming YOU for having a very very normal reaction to his choices and his behaviors. He is trying to to make you stop blaming him, and you already start to feel more sorry for him, the perpetrator, than yourself, the victim of the abuse.
Abusers are smart and know how to press your buttons. You are smarter. You won't be another statistic.
I promise you once you are safe and away and did 'no contact' 100% for a few months, you WILL feel like yourself again. it's hard. This is not fair. It's not your fault Lizzie.
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Post by Lizzie on Feb 19, 2017 15:05:05 GMT
Hi Janine,
I'm trying to believe it's not my fault, but it's hard. Sometimes I feel that way because I've put up with it and come back so many times. Somebody at work said something a couple of years ago. I just overheard it and I didn't think much of it because i didn't know anything about DV and I didn't think it applied to my situation at the time. He said about DV, "the first time she's a victim, the second time, she's a volunteer." Now when I think about it, it cuts so deep, I feel like dying. And though I'd never think that about anyone else, I wonder if it's true about me. He's never stopped me from leaving.
My mom and I are having a talk this afternoon. I want her to know the truth. I'm super nervous though. Wish me luck.
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 19, 2017 20:09:28 GMT
Hi Lizzie,
What the guy at work said is naive and uninformed at best, and cruel at worst. It is never the victim's fault.
Sure, in an ideal world every single victim of DV would walk away the first time he/she experiences abuse. But if it wasn't so hard, we would not need DV hotlines and we would not lose on average 2-3 per week who die at the hands of an ex or current partner. Traumatic bonding is difficult to escape from, and abusers are very manipulative and good at sweet-talking you back.
That is why no contact is so important. The traumatized brain will make you go back again and again, which is called repetition compulsion. We are not just rational human beings - we are also still primitive mammals with a lizard brain. That lizard brain is very powerful.
There is always a way out of abuse. When you are ready to leave him for good, you will know. Stay safe
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Post by Lizzie on Feb 20, 2017 7:03:46 GMT
I did it, Janine. I called a hotline. I'm at a hotel right now. I thought after I talked to my mom, I would be so relieved, but it didn't work out that way. First, I found out she basically already knew thanks to my brother, and she was telling me to do whatever my gut said to do (as if that doesn't change from day to day), while my dad paced back and forth, cussing, and yelling at my mom to shut up, and that I need to leave him NOW. And then, they called my brother over without telling me. It was just such a mess. And the whole time, my phone is ringing non-stop and my husband is leaving messages asking where I am and begging me to come back home. I just couldn't take it anymore. And right after I left for the hotel, my mom called me to tell me my brother left and he's going to "visit" my husband! I wanted to call my husband and warn him, but I called the hotline instead. I was in a panic, but she was really able to calm me down. They're putting me in touch with a counselor, but I have to wait until tomorrow. Now, I just found out my brother has been arrested for assault. My first thought was to rush home to make sure my husband is okay. But I am just so tired. Of everything and everybody around mr. Nobody knows where I am right now and I don't care. I'm shutting my phone off and I'll figure it out tomorrow.
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 20, 2017 15:08:17 GMT
Lizzie,
I am so glad you empowered yourself and said "No more" to this circus. These are all adults, and none of them are behaving like an adult should.
Take a break from it all to clear your head.
The behavior of another adult is never your responsibility. It's not your fault what your husband or brother or parents do. They are at all times 100% responsible for how they choose to behave. Always. No exceptions.
You did the right thing by stepping off the theater stage, and sitting in the audience to check in with yourself:
"Do I even like my role in this play I am in? Do I even like the play itself?" And if not, you have the right to leave that stage at any point in time and change your role, and change plays.
I am glad to hear the hotline was able to set you up for the next steps. I am proud of you for calling them. It takes strength and courage to say: "I am not ok, and I need help right now."
You do not owe anyone, anything. Ever. Take good care of yourself now.
We are always here if you need an ear.
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steve
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Post by steve on Feb 21, 2017 18:05:55 GMT
It is hard when people are so judgmental about your behavior, even people you care about. I can only say that they don't understand how complex it is when you are living with these lying, manipulative sneaky jerks. Your guy sounds particularly smooth, using his claims of "caring about you" to make you feel guilty for "not appreciating" his efforts. It is VERY difficult to understand and resist these efforts, to see that they are really NOT signs of caring, but just another way to control you by manipulating your feelings.
Hang in there and know you're doing the right thing, and know also that you are NOT foolish or weak for staying with him, you are in a very difficult situation and have made the best decisions you could, and NO ONE who hasn't been there is in any position to judge your choices.
Stay in touch with the hotline, and don't expect too much from your family right now. They are upset and feel out of control and are trying the best they can, but they are not likely to understand what's going on. Maybe one of them can call the hotline themselves and get some help understanding how they can best help and support you.
HANG IN THERE! You can do this!
--- Steve
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Post by Lizzie on Feb 22, 2017 6:39:29 GMT
Hi Janine and Steve, I'm still at the hotel. I took the week off work. I'm so overwhelmed right now. Everyone is calling me, leaving messages. My best friend has been trying to reach me for days and wants to know where I am. My mom left a voicemail crying and saying she and my dad are really sorry for how they behaved, and if I want to leave him, they'll be there for me. She seemed so worried I called her back to tell her I'm in a hotel and I'm ok. She said my brother got out of jail today and all he's saying is that he wishes he'd buried my husband. And my husband has left like 15 messages saying he dropped the charges against my brother, crying, yelling, begging me to come home. I don't want to talk to any of them right now. I feel like everyone is so busy telling me what I should or shouldn't do that I can't even think.
I feel so tense all the time. I don't think I've felt relaxed at all in the last two years. I don't know how to clear my head.
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steve
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Post by steve on Feb 22, 2017 18:17:04 GMT
Setting boundaries (saying NO) is the most important thing to learn when getting away from or avoiding abuse. It's OK not to call back and talk to people. I think your instinct to pull inwards and take care of yourself is a very good one, and I encourage you to follow it.
Do you ever meditate? It is an excellent way to clear one's head. The other thing that can help is talking to others who have been through what you have. A support group can be great, but if that feels like too much, you can start by calling a domestic abuse hotline and talking with the folks there about how you're doing.
Try some deep breathing for starters. Even 30 seconds of deep breathing can bring on a more relaxed state.
Hope that helps a little!
--- Steve
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 22, 2017 19:57:23 GMT
Hi Lizzie,
I second what Steve wrote. It is ok to say "No." You did the right thing by assuring them you are ok, so they have to leave you alone now.
One thing abusers are good at is trying to NOT give you space to think. By that I mean, it is very very common for abusers to send countless text messages, call repeatedly, cry/beg/shed crocodile tears/use threats/threaten to commit suicide etc. and it is all aimed at one thing: They want control back over your mind and body.
The thing about our bodies and minds though is: They are ours, and ours alone. He was never able to control you, and he is now aware that you have said NO MORE for the first time in the past two years.
One way to translate from 'abuser' to normal person goes like this:
-- I love you and miss you so much, I am sooo worried about you and look at all the things I did to prove it. Come back to me.
Translation:
I hate not having control over you. I need you to come back so I can abuse you some more.
Love is not abuse or control. Love means giving someone space when they need it.
Whatever YOU need, right now, today, tomorrow, next week, that matters.
You take such good care of yourself, continue to do that. They are all big guys and grown up and they do not need you.
What you need matters. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself.
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Post by shortcake on Feb 23, 2017 4:24:01 GMT
People don't understand even after 20 years I still have to look up the signs and signals of abuse of remind myself I'm not crazy. People don't believe because they hear them. All they say is your crazy I'm Just the totally loving keeping it all together for them.
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Post by Lizzie on Feb 24, 2017 5:53:01 GMT
Hi everyone,
Wow, thank you for your replies. I understand 100% about not having a place to think. See, my parents and my brother have left me alone since the night I left. I even spoke to my mom again this morning and said I'm happy to talk to her, but I don't want her bringing up my brother and what he's up to, or what she thinks I should do. And she agreed. But my husband has not left me alone. I have over 100 text messages and voicemails on my phone from him. It's getting to the point that it's freaking me out and I don't know what to do. Call the police? He's not threatening me, not directly, in any of them and besides, I don't have a restraining order. He hasn't hit me in 5 months. But he said in one of the messages that he's sick with worry and if I don't call him back soon, he's going to come looking for me. And I think he was crying in it. I don't know. I fell asleep for a while this afternoon and had a dream of him running me down in his car. I wish I had somewhere to go to calm my nerves, where I could feel relaxed. It's so tempting right now, to just go home and tell him I'm sorry, because at least then maybe, just maybe I'll have a few days of calm.
I have meditated before, Steve, before I met my husband and at the beginning, but after things started going wrong, I don't know, I was so stressed out, it didn't seem to help and honestly I was so focused on saving to have a baby and on helping my husband, I sort of pushed myself aside. I want to try again, though some days, just closing my eyes for a short period triggers a flashback. I haven't even left him--not officially--and already the flashbacks and nightmares are wearing on me. What will they be like once I decide to leave for good?
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 24, 2017 12:37:44 GMT
Hi Lizzie, And that's ok if meditation is not the right tool this very moment. It took me a few years to warm up to it, and everyone meditates in their own way. My therapist back then recommended the guided imagery audio files from Dr. Belleruth Naparstek, a trauma specialist from Chicago. www.healthjourneys.com/Main/Home/What-Is-Guided-Imagery This is her website with an introduction to it. All you have to do is listen and sit back, eyes open if that feels right, and if it does not feel right, you can turn it off any second you feel like it. I have the ones for panic attacks, depression, and alcohol since i drank a lot of red wine to deal with leaving my abusive ex. You are in charge. Not your husband, not anyone. He is a big boy and will do just fine by himself. In fact, you can get a restraining order by texting him one time that you no longer want him to contact you. If he does, you inform the police. Keep all of his texts and the phone call log in case you need it on day in court. If you do decide to go back to the house, do not go alone. Bring a trusted friend or a family member you trust, or even go with the police or a DV shelter worker. In fact, I would consider calling the DV hotline to talk about a safety plan. Leaving is dangerous and my ex attacked me when I came back to the house, after he sweettalked and cried and threatened to kill himself. He ended up smashing all of my belongings and cutting them up with knives and scissors. I NEVER would have thought he would do that, so abusers should never be underestimated. You are stronger than you think. It will be ok again and you will feel like yourself again.
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Post by Lizzie on Feb 26, 2017 5:46:30 GMT
I'm so sorry. He found me last night. He found me and I let him in. I don't know what I was thinking. I was drinking but I'm not going to pretend that's a valid excuse. At first when I realized it was him, I panicked, and I told him to leave, threatened to call the police. But then he broke down, and said he only wanted to talk. He said if I gave him 5 minutes, and I still wanted him to go, he'd be gone and he'd sign the divorce papers and never bother me again. He was outside the door for over an hour, I could tell he'd been drinking too, but I just wanted it to stop. I let him in. I could see something was off right away, but I listened to him. I gave him the 5 minutes. It was the same old excuses. So I told him I wanted him to go. But he wouldn't. He just went on and on about how hard he's trying and how much he loves me. So I tried to leave and he grabbed my arm and flung me into the wall. I hit so hard, it knocked the wind out of me. He looked at me, horrified, and started apologizing. I told him, please, just go. And then it was like someone else took over. He shouted "No!!!" He forced himself on me, kissing me, groping me with his hand up my shirt. He unbuttoned my jeans and tried to get them down, but I fought him and he squeezed hard, until I screamed, and he hit me across the face. Then people started talking outside and he got up in a hurry and stumbled out. Someone called the police and they caught him less than a block away. I went to to the hospital but I'm ok. The police stopped in this morning and told me it turns out he was on a lot more than alcohol last night, and now he's claiming he doesn't remember anything that happened. Are you kidding me? He's in jail at least for the weekend, but come Monday, I don't know. Fuck, I'm so mad at myself.
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karen
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Post by karen on Feb 26, 2017 12:24:19 GMT
Hi Lizzie, please don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can. If you need help and support, call a DV hotline. They can help you. Please don't apologize. You did nothing wrong.
He is a liar, he is dangerous and he will not change. HE WILL NOT change and you cannot love him enough with the hope that your love will make him want to change.
Maybe take time to just focus on you today. Take a hot bath, put on some calming music, eat a good meal, just focus on you. THE ONLY PERSON WHO MATTERS RIGHT NOW IS LIZZIE. LIZZIE. Not your parents not your brother, not your spouse. YOU. Please try not to drink any alcohol. Drink water, eat fruits and veggies..even eat a few small meals every few hours. This is all to take care of YOU.
If you have any friends..girl friends maybe whom you trust, maybe see if they can help for moral support. Someone who won't judge or tell you what to do next.
It may be time for NO CONTACT..don't read or answer his texts, no e-mailing or on social media. Don't answer your phone. Maybe just tell your parents you are fine. You are sleeping and you will contact them when you are rested.
I am sorry this is happening Lizzie..it sucks, it really does. It may seem horrible right now, but it will pass. It will get better. Take one hour at a time if you have to.
Anything we can do here to support you we will. Post here as much as you need to. Thinking of you today and hoping you feel better.
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janine
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Post by janine on Feb 26, 2017 18:19:41 GMT
Hi Lizzie,
It's not your fault. I will say it again, because I remember the shame and guilt I felt after going back to my ex.
It is not your fault.
He is an abuser. That is what abusers do. They manipulate their victims. They try to get under their skin. They try to make you buy into their fake persona of "Just so in love with you and just so scared of losing you." He will seriously injure or kill you if you choose to continue this relationship.
Alcohol is not an excuse, again, like I mentioned before there are plenty of jolly drunks in this world who drink away their memory and brain and health, yet they would never even harm a fly. He is an abuser, and he has addiction problems. Two separate things.
It sounds like the authorities got involved, and you are able to get a restraining order. Right now might be a good time to call the DV hotline again. Our families and friends and the police are often unable to give us the support we need when we experience abusive behavior. I remember everyone kind of pissed me off, when I experienced the abuse from my ex boyfriend. They didn't say the right things to me, they did not really listen to what I was saying, they pushed me too much or I felt like they didn't car enough.
A trained mental health counselor can give you exactly what you need right now. The DV hotline can assist you in connecting with the appropriate services.
We are always here if you need an ear.
I understand why you let him in. I did the same thing in 2009. It's not your fault.
We are here for you.
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