Post by Ice89 on Feb 2, 2017 18:36:53 GMT
Hi,
I'm not sure how to start this, I have not reached out to anyone before and don't really know how to get my thoughts out onto this page but here goes....
I'm recently married and have been with the same partner for 13 years now, since I had just turned 16. And I think back to some points in my youth and have only in the last 2 years realised that I was being emotionally abused from the beginning. The first year was the best year, things were fun and I was his pride and joy and he would bless the ground I would walk on. After that things happened which at the time I cannot believe I would allow. He became very controlling I lost all of my school friends as a result of him, and I was so stupid to let that happen. He would make me limit my time to spend with my horse to an absolute minimum, when I would usually and happily spend my entire day down the stables, spending time with my horse and socialising with my stable friends. He was taking that away from me more and more, and would break me down to tears just because I needed to go and look after my horse, the fact I wanted to did not even come into his mind. He was just angry that I dare leave him to be bored whilst I gallivant around doing something that he would tell me was pointless. But yet again every single weekend we would have the same argument, the same hurtful words from him, then because I would always go no matter what he said because to me my horse was depending on me to look after her how could someone be so unwilling to let me just have a few peaceful hours with my pet (who I'd had 4 years before I'd even met him). So I became obedient I would pay someone else to look after her to please him, because if i dare ask to go all hell would seem to break out and I would be shouted at for over an hour and end in tears. We would'nt even have any plans he just wanted me not to leave. And the occasions when I did go down there he would go out with his mates drinking and doing drugs, then would be all my fault the next day as I left him, he had nothing to do, he feels shit and hungover as a result of my choice to spend time with my horse. For some reason I just accepted it I must of thought this is just normal.
A little after this he brought out a very violent temper, it would come out if he didnt get his own way or thought I had done something wrong, he would punch my thigh so hard if I wouldnt jump the red lights, or not over take cars that were in his mind going too slow. I would often have bruises on my arms where he would grab me with anger.
And I would never argue my case I would just let him shout, hit and get his own way everytime. When he would say sorry it was always like why do you make me like this, no one elses girlfriends act like you. And I would just accept and some how deal with it. The thing was from the outside we seemed happy, when we were out with friends he was happy, he was fine, I was fine the thought of mentioning it to one of the girls never came into my head. I wasnt being abused, I was just normal.
The other bits I remember are he used to make me perform sexual acts on him every night, he would say I cant sleep I havent cum. (Sorry for the gross language but that is exactly how he said it) So every night I would have to do such things and then he would just sleep, most of the time he would say it wasnt good enough or say I have turned him off so had to start all over again, not stop, start again. I remember I would count numbers in my head to stop the pain of my aching muscles, because if i was to stop I would have to start yet again.
These are just a few examples of then, fast forward till now he has done some horrendous things to me, many violent arguements, when I say arguements its me listening to him telling me how stupid I am, or how he would of been so much better in a situation or how I have a shit brain. Then he would go calm down and that was it no apology nothing, I just wanted the normal peacfulness so I didnt even ask for an apology the fact he had forgotten was enough. My time would be spent pleasing him, cooking for him (had to be good enough or again violent arguements), if the house wasnt clean more arguements, if I couldnt get a stain out of his white shirt hurtful words and breaking me into tears was also a regular thing.
He goes out almost 4 times a week with his work people, gets drunk and uses cocaine a lot. I ask him to come home alone and quietly and that seems to much trouble for me to even consider, he pays for the house so how dare I ask him to not have a house party at 3am. When he will bring his friends and random women, back to my house and continue taking drugs and drinking.
When something really bad happens, like he pushed me down the stairs on this one occasion, he would then buy me a new car, once he hurt me so bad he brought home a puppy to make it go away. I was stupid to accept these 'apologies' most of the time if he hurt me I was allowed to buy somthing online. But still nothing crossed my mind to reach out to tell anyone. My family like him, all my friends are somehow his too so if I went out he would be there. Rarely if he was away I would go wild and have girly weekend or shopping or horse riding, but I loved it when he wasnt there.
Now I am married, I dont work as he told me if I dont earn more than 40k a year theres no point, he holds control of all the money, house etc If I 'play up' then he takes the cards from me. My days are spent in the house alone with my dog and the house during the day is like my castle I love it. Come 8pm when he comes home it changes to a place where Im treading on egg shells, careful of what I say, often scared he is going to kick off because i have missed a cob web or somthing. I cant have chocolate, because hes on a strict diet he will eat it all, then shout at me for buying it. One time he threw a trainer in my face full force because he had the ump over an unhealthy dinner I had made.
I was allowed to join a gym to better myself because I was over weight at size 12/14 so he kept telling me, where I had some time where I can get out the house, I have met someone else from the gym who I spend a lot of time with and have let myself create feelings for him. I know its wrong but he is a safe person to me, we talk he listens. I have been seeing him for a year now and its killing me why I cant just leave my husband to be with him. He tells me to leave everyday, and I say I will, but I just cannot do it. The thought of him finding out I have left scares me so much I often have anxiety attacks at night thinking about it. He trys to understand, he says nothing will happen to me when I leave as I have him there to protect me, but its not that I know he wont be able to get to me, its the thought of him being so angry and that in itself is enough to make me stay. I'm going to loose him if I dont leave my husband but I dont know why I wont. Ive listened to domestic violence videos on youtube and the ladies always say something clicked in their head and they just spoke out and left, I dont know why it wont click in my head. I just get so scared I keep quiet, like I always have.
Thank you for listening, feels at least a weight less on my shoulders just putting it out there.
unds
I'm not sure how to start this, I have not reached out to anyone before and don't really know how to get my thoughts out onto this page but here goes....
I'm recently married and have been with the same partner for 13 years now, since I had just turned 16. And I think back to some points in my youth and have only in the last 2 years realised that I was being emotionally abused from the beginning. The first year was the best year, things were fun and I was his pride and joy and he would bless the ground I would walk on. After that things happened which at the time I cannot believe I would allow. He became very controlling I lost all of my school friends as a result of him, and I was so stupid to let that happen. He would make me limit my time to spend with my horse to an absolute minimum, when I would usually and happily spend my entire day down the stables, spending time with my horse and socialising with my stable friends. He was taking that away from me more and more, and would break me down to tears just because I needed to go and look after my horse, the fact I wanted to did not even come into his mind. He was just angry that I dare leave him to be bored whilst I gallivant around doing something that he would tell me was pointless. But yet again every single weekend we would have the same argument, the same hurtful words from him, then because I would always go no matter what he said because to me my horse was depending on me to look after her how could someone be so unwilling to let me just have a few peaceful hours with my pet (who I'd had 4 years before I'd even met him). So I became obedient I would pay someone else to look after her to please him, because if i dare ask to go all hell would seem to break out and I would be shouted at for over an hour and end in tears. We would'nt even have any plans he just wanted me not to leave. And the occasions when I did go down there he would go out with his mates drinking and doing drugs, then would be all my fault the next day as I left him, he had nothing to do, he feels shit and hungover as a result of my choice to spend time with my horse. For some reason I just accepted it I must of thought this is just normal.
A little after this he brought out a very violent temper, it would come out if he didnt get his own way or thought I had done something wrong, he would punch my thigh so hard if I wouldnt jump the red lights, or not over take cars that were in his mind going too slow. I would often have bruises on my arms where he would grab me with anger.
And I would never argue my case I would just let him shout, hit and get his own way everytime. When he would say sorry it was always like why do you make me like this, no one elses girlfriends act like you. And I would just accept and some how deal with it. The thing was from the outside we seemed happy, when we were out with friends he was happy, he was fine, I was fine the thought of mentioning it to one of the girls never came into my head. I wasnt being abused, I was just normal.
The other bits I remember are he used to make me perform sexual acts on him every night, he would say I cant sleep I havent cum. (Sorry for the gross language but that is exactly how he said it) So every night I would have to do such things and then he would just sleep, most of the time he would say it wasnt good enough or say I have turned him off so had to start all over again, not stop, start again. I remember I would count numbers in my head to stop the pain of my aching muscles, because if i was to stop I would have to start yet again.
These are just a few examples of then, fast forward till now he has done some horrendous things to me, many violent arguements, when I say arguements its me listening to him telling me how stupid I am, or how he would of been so much better in a situation or how I have a shit brain. Then he would go calm down and that was it no apology nothing, I just wanted the normal peacfulness so I didnt even ask for an apology the fact he had forgotten was enough. My time would be spent pleasing him, cooking for him (had to be good enough or again violent arguements), if the house wasnt clean more arguements, if I couldnt get a stain out of his white shirt hurtful words and breaking me into tears was also a regular thing.
He goes out almost 4 times a week with his work people, gets drunk and uses cocaine a lot. I ask him to come home alone and quietly and that seems to much trouble for me to even consider, he pays for the house so how dare I ask him to not have a house party at 3am. When he will bring his friends and random women, back to my house and continue taking drugs and drinking.
When something really bad happens, like he pushed me down the stairs on this one occasion, he would then buy me a new car, once he hurt me so bad he brought home a puppy to make it go away. I was stupid to accept these 'apologies' most of the time if he hurt me I was allowed to buy somthing online. But still nothing crossed my mind to reach out to tell anyone. My family like him, all my friends are somehow his too so if I went out he would be there. Rarely if he was away I would go wild and have girly weekend or shopping or horse riding, but I loved it when he wasnt there.
Now I am married, I dont work as he told me if I dont earn more than 40k a year theres no point, he holds control of all the money, house etc If I 'play up' then he takes the cards from me. My days are spent in the house alone with my dog and the house during the day is like my castle I love it. Come 8pm when he comes home it changes to a place where Im treading on egg shells, careful of what I say, often scared he is going to kick off because i have missed a cob web or somthing. I cant have chocolate, because hes on a strict diet he will eat it all, then shout at me for buying it. One time he threw a trainer in my face full force because he had the ump over an unhealthy dinner I had made.
I was allowed to join a gym to better myself because I was over weight at size 12/14 so he kept telling me, where I had some time where I can get out the house, I have met someone else from the gym who I spend a lot of time with and have let myself create feelings for him. I know its wrong but he is a safe person to me, we talk he listens. I have been seeing him for a year now and its killing me why I cant just leave my husband to be with him. He tells me to leave everyday, and I say I will, but I just cannot do it. The thought of him finding out I have left scares me so much I often have anxiety attacks at night thinking about it. He trys to understand, he says nothing will happen to me when I leave as I have him there to protect me, but its not that I know he wont be able to get to me, its the thought of him being so angry and that in itself is enough to make me stay. I'm going to loose him if I dont leave my husband but I dont know why I wont. Ive listened to domestic violence videos on youtube and the ladies always say something clicked in their head and they just spoke out and left, I dont know why it wont click in my head. I just get so scared I keep quiet, like I always have.
Thank you for listening, feels at least a weight less on my shoulders just putting it out there.
unds