Will he leave as agreed?

Hi Badger, what a good friend you are for caring so much. I suspect it will be a game before he leaves. Honestly, if she can, she should leave, as she did before. Since they co-own it, neither has to leave unless the other buys the one out. If she can offer him money that may work to get him out, or move out herself. He may like that and let her go. He will probably mess with her first before he does that as he is classically abusive.

The suicide threats are like crocodile tears. It is to play on a woman's "soft" side and get her to feel sorry. I suspect the grandfather may have been the same ploy. There will be other ploys most likely.

My ex husband and I owned a home together, I was married to him for 20 years and we were together about 25 years. I had to leave the home and my 2 kids stayed there with him because he WOULD NOT LEAVE. We both owned the house. I left, eventually my girls moved in with me, and my ex stayed in that house until the very second before the new occupants moved in. He could not afford to live on his own and he still can't. I sold the house literally out from under him. He knew he could not afford it and he agreed to sell it because he gained $25,000 out of it.(of which he put nothing into the house financially, but because we live in a "50-50" state, he got half).

My point is, she isn't going to be able to make him do anything. If she can afford to move, I would suggest she move. Take everything she owns, do it when he is out of the house, and go somewhere and start over. That is what I did. My ex was a hoarder. I had 17 people help me. We cleaned out my 10 room house and I moved to a 4 room apartment and I have never been SO HAPPY! I took the things that were most important to me and the things that I paid for and were mine before we got married and literally got rid of all the rest. My ex has no access to my home, he has no key, he is not allowed in, He came in once (the day my daughters moved in) because my daughter let him in, and that has never happened since.

He is not going to be nice, he is not going to do what she wants, and he will make things difficult just because he can. If she can, she needs to do what is best for her and put distance between them.

Hi Badger, I understand the financial struggle, it is hard. I had to pay the mortgage on the house because my ex could not afford to pay it. Technically..he should have left. BUT he would have been homeless and my daughters were very worried about him. I could not pay rent and pay the mortgage. I was determined to keep my credit somewhat good so I paid the mortgage until the house sold. I, unfortunately met a guy online and left my husband and moved in with the VERY ABUSIVE (and now an ex-boyfriend). He didn't charge me rent, so I could still pay for the house that my family was living in, I was not. In order for us to divorce we had to separate for a year and I was very eager to get that year going. I never intended to find a relationship so quickly..thus the abuse and that is a whole nother horror story. After I was kicked out of the boyfriend's house..I lived with my sister. I was still paying the mortgage and my sister only charged me a small amount for utilities. Finally, 17 months after I left my husband the house sold and I was able to move to the apartment with my daughter.

My ex and I share custody of our daughter..I am fortunate in that she is 16 and able to direct when she sees her father. Initially, he tried to influence our daughters about who I was as a person. What he was screaming at me about..he was guilty of. He was abusive, not me. It has been 3 years since I moved out and got the divorce. It was a battle, but the happiness I have found was worth every second of the misery I went through to get it. I learned a lot about me and my girls and domestic violence. There was a lot of positive that came out of what was pretty traumatic for me.

My daughters and I have never been so close. I am their main support at this time. There father pays me no child support, no alimony and he can't touch any of my retirement savings. We agreed when we separated that neither of us would take anything from the other..meaning he pays me nothing and I pay him nothing. We only divided the profit on our home 50/50. I only correspond with him via e-mail. I haven't seen him or spoken to him since the beginning of December of 2016 I think.

Our separation/divorce agreement clearly states that our daughters determine who they live with, when and how they visit with him, they stay in contact with him, but it is not frequent. I only have to report any health issues to him. Fortunately, none have come up. He hated doing the agreement this way..but he wanted the money from the house. That is all he got. That is why he agreed to my demands. I lived up to my end of the agreement..he didn't. He owes me money that he never paid me..but at this point, my freedom and being out of a marriage that was not happy, is worth more than he owes me.

I didn't want to give up the money on the house. I literally paid down a $50,000 debt my ex caused and I paid the whole mortgage on the house and basically supported him and our children as he barely made any money. And what he made, he gambled away. He was responsible for only 2 of our utility bills and he got behind on both. He should have not gotten one penny from our house selling. Not one penny. BUT that is how the US states work. It stunk. BUT, it was worth more to me to be away from him.

Starting over was scary, but the best thing I ever did. I have a good job, I love my home and my life. I don't make a huge amount of money, but I have a budget, I try to watch my spending and I am able to give my daughters a home (one is away at college). My ex cannot do any of these things. AND my daughters know it.

I hope your friend chooses to leave. I hope the UK law entitles her to half of the house/dwelling. He should buy her out or they sell it. I know he will not make this easy for her. I would suggest she contact Women's Aide and seek some legal advice as well. I know she doesn't want to go the abuse route for the divorce. He will make her life miserable just because he will want to win. AND it will be tough. She needs a good attorney to help her do this. These jerks are very good at "winning". and Putting a spin on everything to make us look like fools. She needs to beat him at his own game and walk away, not look back and be smart. I was lucky..I made the money in the household and i knew a long time ago that someday I may need to financially support myself. So I began to figure it out.

So glad your friend has you to help her.

Hi Karen, you really do sound like you've managed to make it alone despite the struggle. I hope my friend will too. But whilst ever she is insistent on staying in their house I cant see how she will ever be rid of him. I know she has taken financial advice and has been trying to gather evidence of savings, earnings etc. In the past she has also spoken to a womens aid worker at the local Citizens Advice Bureau. I think for her the main thing is the counselling that is helping build her confidence and self esteem (after years of put downs by her 'husband' ). I also bought her a book by Beverley Engel, recommended on Womans Aid website and have sent her countless links to information about emotional abuse, narcissists etc. That said, I still think she has an element of denial as to what he is capable of. The last time she left he had hacked her social media accounts, even though she said he wouldn't. He works in that industry so knows what hes doing. Nowadays shes much more careful with her phone and laptop.

I guess all I can do for now is keep my fingers crossed that she does get out and has the confidence to stay out this time even if it is a bit of a struggle.

Long term I can see him still being controlling over access to his son as she works shifts that aren't set so its very difficult to have set days so I can see him playing silly buggers to make things difficult for her.


Its frustrating knowing I cant do anything for her other than be there and Ive had to learn to try not to push or she pushes back and stops opening up to me.