Tough Childhood/Upbringing

Hi staunching96,

Before I reply, please let me first of all say:

I believe you.
You are not overreacting.
What you described is abuse. I am hearing domestic violence, child sexual abuse, emotional and verbal abuse.
None of this was ever your fault.
I believe you and you are not alone.
There is support and you deserve it.



Welcome here!

And to jump right in please know none of us here are licensed professional counselors or therapists. We are mostly women and men who experienced domestic violence, or are still experiencing it. It sounds like you are living with your mom, and therefore probably depend on her for economic reasons as well.

I would encourage you to reach out to a professional licensed counselor who specialized in PTSD. = Post traumatic Stress Syndrome.
What you are describing - the mood swings, the flashbacks (triggered by people talking loudly), an attempted suicide attempt, etc.- are also all symptoms of PTSD and complex childhood trauma.
You mentioned that you thought about possibly having a bi-polar brain imbalance, like your granddad.

Only a licensed clinical counselor/therapist can and should make that diagnosis.
It is very easy to mistake symptoms of trauma - like depression, anxiety, panic attacks, extreme mood swings, suicidal ideation etc.for something other than what it really is.
This does not mean it could NOT be bipolar, but from what I am hearing you experienced traumatic events in both your childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood. This could easily cause PTSD.

For example, I used to be convinced (and worried about) being bipolar or borderline a lot. I too had thought suicide might be the way out to end the pain. I did NOT want to die, but I wanted to stop hurting. I felt like it was my fault. I thought I was too hard on my parents- after all, most families have problems, right? I was convinced that I was being overly sensitive and ungrateful.

Then things got really bad.
The thoughts about killing myself, the self-harming (I hit myself, bulimia, punched my stomach etc.) I drank too much and had violent hangovers that lasted all day long.
But because I thought I had a mental disorder, I still believed it was my fault. Something must have been wrong with me. I felt flawed and like broken goods.
There was a lot ....a LOT of shame. I was ashamed of myself and who I was.

Maybe you experienced some of those thoughts, maybe you had others.

The one thing I can promise you, is that if you reach out to a good counselor/therapist, it will be a lifeline. You don't have to live like this.
There is help. You don't have to carry this alone, the heavy crushing thoughts, the fear, the sadness, the anger....and most importantly: the toxic self-shaming.

There are a few things I would suggest:

1. Write down the national and/or local suicide hotline of your country. Have it ready in case your mind enters that dark tunnel vision place again, where no hope seems to be present. I have been there. It is dark and it is difficult. The only thing I regret is that I did not reach out for professional help sooner. You are not alone. The hotlines are available 24/7. Please make that call if it gets bad.

2. If you are a student, your university might have free counseling services. If your insurance covers it, seek out private counseling. Try to find out how and where you could receive therapy. Trauma is nothing to joke around with. If it wasn't for therapy, I don't know where I would be. Because trauma is such a complex and serious issue, again please make that first step to be connected to licensed clinical professionals. If your insurance does not cover therapy (you can ask your general practitioner for a referral) call the local DV shelter and/or hotline. What your mother and father did was domestic violence. It is child abuse. It is not ok and it was never your fault.

3. Make self-compassion and good self-care your priority. We often treat ourselves the way our parents treated us. No wonder you made a suicide attempt. If a mother verbally abused her child and makes him/her feel worthless, the result is that the child feels like a burden and wants to make himself/herself 'go away'.
You are not a burden. You are a wonderful human being. You matter. I hear and see that there is a lot of trauma and pain and suffering.
It is not your fault.
www.tarabrach.com/talks-audio-video/ Tara Brach has free and amazing talks on topics like 'false beliefs' (= I should die because I am worthless and it will never be ok) and also childhood trauma (spriritual reparenting)
You might also like the book 'Self-compassion' by Kristin Neff. (http://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations)

But again, nothing beats a good therapist.
You can google 'warning signs of a bad therapist' to make sure you choose one that feels right.
If the first therapist, or the second, or event he third you try out does not feel right, give yourself permission to try out another until it feels right.
I got lucky and my first therapist at university was a great fit. The second, who I started seeing when I was 29, was a recommendation from a friend. This therapist has probably saved my life. Had I known how relieved I would feel after therapy, I would not have waited until I was 29.

Nowadays I no longer drink, I stopped hurting myself, when the dark tunnel vision comes back I am able to gently use self-compassion to wait for the storm to pass.
The flashbacks and nightmares and mood swings have for the most part gone away.

My mother used to call me a 'lazy pig' and 'princess for whom nothing is ever good enough' or 'glad you lost weight because you got quite fat lately'.
Nothing I ever did was good enough. Only she knew how to do things right. Her behavior was unpredictable. She shared in pornographic details how my stepfather and her had sex.
She asked me to leave the hotel room to have sex when we traveled. The shame I felt and the anger and helplessness, crushed me.

You are always welcome to write here about whatever you feel like writing about.
This forum was a lifeline for me when the abuse at home and in a relationship with a boyfriend got too much to carry alone.

Please note that sometimes it may take 1-3 days before someone on this forum replies.
This is nothing personal, we just don't monitor it 24/7. If you need immediate support, call the hotlines.
I've done it, and those people are amazing and trained to say the right things in an emergency.

I am so glad you found us.
And it may not feel like it right now, but I have been down the dark tunnel vision place.
I can promise you that you will be ok again. Not today, not tomorrow, but eventually.

You will be ok.
You are worthy of love and belonging and support.
It will get better.