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Post by walkingthroughtreacl on Dec 9, 2013 15:50:30 GMT
Hello all. Not sure I recognise anyone on here except Sticky Bubble (hello!) although I have been off the site (the US one) for several months.
I left my ex early in 2010 after a 25 year marriage. The ex was very very controlling and emotionally abusive, but then I told him I could stand no more and that although I would stay for the sake of the children (I have 3) we would lead separate lives. That was when the physical abuse started and I ended up having to leave the family home after the level of abuse was becoming life-threatening.
It is impossible for anyone to understand what abuse does to you, unless you have been through it yourself, and this is where the HH site was amazing. The people on there had been through what I was going through and were hugely supportive of me. In fact without the site, I have to say I don't what would have happened to me. Day after day, week after week, I posted, often in absolute despair. I'd had to walk out on my children, my home, and effectively my life, and then try to cope with the aftermath of years and years of abuse. Many, many times it was almost too much but time and again HH was there for me.
Over two and half years on life is easier but I have accepted that I will have to live forever with the consequences of abuse. The laws in this country regarding abuse are almost non-existent and the most the police managed to charge my ex with was harassment, so I have to say he has got away very very lightly. His life carried on much as usual while mine was totally shattered and I'm still picking up the pieces.
But leaving him was imperative and my unwanted new life is the price I pay for my freedom.
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Post by HH Lindsey on Dec 9, 2013 20:42:20 GMT
I remember when you first joined. Horrible situation you were in. Glad you are still here and around so many years later though. Glad to see you back
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Post by Stickybubble2 on Dec 15, 2013 20:58:03 GMT
Hi Walkingthroughtreacle, I remember you! Glad to hear things have been getting better for you. It sucks that people don't get the punishments that they deserve.
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Gabryel
Member
I still don't know what to do... Still in two minds!
Posts: 2
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Post by Gabryel on Dec 19, 2013 14:38:16 GMT
Hi all. I only found the new forum by chance. I was disappointed when the old one stopped working, and I forgot about it for quite a while. I've kept my same username as it was on the old forum.
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Post by Janine 1984 on Dec 19, 2013 14:49:21 GMT
Hey walkingthrough, I am so glad to hear you are out now for a few years. The aftermath IS a lot to handle but the freedom you gain is worth more than living your entire life imprisoned and scared to death....this forum too has helped me through the worst and i was sad to see the link not working anymore. I hope in time everyone else finds their way back here too, it is indeed a lifeline and iam thankful for it running again.
I believe in most countries domestic violence is not treated enough like other violent crimes- but tings are slowly changing and i find the level of awareness is growing....at least i hope for anyone out there being abused right now and living in fear that they come across some sort of advertisement for help and find their way out with the help of a shelter or hotline or forum.
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Post by theresa on Dec 26, 2013 5:44:16 GMT
Hi walkingthrough. You may or may not remember me as Tessy from the old forum. I wasn't on too much in the last few years. I believe that the psychological trauma of abuse is something we never get over. We learn to live in spite of it much of the time, but we never live in the same way. I think that abuse simply robs of us of some part of ourselves. Although I still have abusers in my life, and I try to deal with it, I left my abusive marriage 2 1/2 years ago too. It took my health, my lifestyle, my friends... pretty much everything that defined me in my everyday life.
And you are right that you really need to talk to people who are in the same situation. Life after abuse is very challenging; it is a painful struggle, but any time I want to, I get to sit down and watch Grey's Anatomy, or have a nightmare without being chastised as a psycho, or eat a banana before dinner, and it's pretty good.
It isn't what I would have hoped for in my life at this stage, but the freedom is worth the choice.
I too am thankful for the forum running again.
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walkingthrough treacle
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Post by walkingthrough treacle on Jan 5, 2014 10:02:32 GMT
Hello again Janine, and also Theresa - I remember you well as Tessy and how kind and supportive both you and Janine were to me. I hope that you are both coping OK with life.
Yes, getting out and surviving is good and as you say Tessy (can't get used to Theresa!) it's watching Frasier without a snide comment, not having your cooking checked to make sure you are doing it properly, going to bed with a book and not getting into trouble for it. It's all of those things and masses more. I am coming to accept that there is a large part of my life which has been damaged and will probably remain like that, but that is the price I pay for my freedom - and that is priceless.
I really hope that both of you, and everyone else on here, had an OK Christmas. I know it can be one of the hardest times of the year.
The problem that I have that is constant is that my youngest, who witnessed some bad, bad abuse in the last year of the marriage, and whom I tried to protect the most (my older two were away at university) still gets on well with my ex. It's all such a dilemma because I want my son to have a good relationship with his father, but at the same time, what my ex subjected me to for such a long time was beyond horrendous, and yet my youngest, even knowing some of the details (and indeed witnessing some of it) still thinks his father is OK, more than OK. I had to leave the family home and so my children go between my ex and me, spending an equal amount of time with each. So there they all are for a week or so, together in my home, with my ex - who did absolutely nothing in terms of supporting or bringing up his children - as one big happy family. I have to rent somewhere (I get no financial assistance from my ex) in a very small, not particularly nice house which the children won't bring there friends to, while they all continue to live in a very nice, large family home where there friends visit frequently, with my ex playing the role of abandoned husband. It is something else that is so hard to cope with, but I'm guessing I'm not alone with this.
I wondered if anyone else had been through or was going through the same thing?
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 5, 2014 16:18:21 GMT
Hey Walkingthrough, Thanks for the kind words!!! I am so glad to hear from you here again. Life has been good for me since I left the abusive ex in 2009- however like you described it comes with ups and downs. The more time passes, the more "up" it goes though I used to date here and there since but always ran by questionable situations in this forum. Steve and all the others always give me valuable feedback that is much appreciated. Other than that I started graduate school right after I left the ex (who tried to make me financially dependent on him and tried to stop me from getting my Masters) and work etc. has been really well since then. Its been a road but a road to freedom and to getting to know what life can be like!!! Pretty amazing. I am sorry to hear that your ex husband is putting on that show of the abandoned one. My brother and I have been abused by our father and my mother divorced when I was 10 months old. My brother witnessed and experienced all the abuse first hand though and he is also still in contact with our father. I choose not to. No need for another abuser in my life. Maybe your children need more time to see what was going on and one day he will drop his pokerface in front of them too. Its so difficult to see these abusers lie and manipulate and pretend. They are very good at it and it can drive us insane sometimes I think. So...I guess the best way to go is to try and not think of him or what he does. Just be the loving mom you are!!! Not-so-nice house or not, the love is there. In the end they may or may not see that YOU did the work and raised them and you have been the strong one and loving one. The best thing you can do for them and yourself, is to create your own paradise now and defend it. You deserve a home where you feel safe. And happy and I wouldnt be surprised if his honeymoon phase with the kids wont last forever. These guys may play the role well but in the end the truth comes out. Our nextdoor neighbor back home was an alcoholic abuser who beat up his wife almost to death. She stayed way too long but left at age 60 for good. She stayed for the family, the children, the home, the kids, their joint business...you name it. She almost lost her life a few times to his attacks. Now she rents a small apartment and enjoys life so so so much more....her kids all have contact with the father, who remained in the huge family mansion in the suburbs. He has had girlfriends etc but abused them after a while too- of course. so they left. i know his kids want the contact partially for the money- they are rich and he can provide fancy holidays and little treats here and there the mom simply cannot. but deep down they all know he abused the mother and he goes from super nice to crazy aggressive. the cycle lasts a few years though. you are out...focus on your home, it might not be as big and fancy...but its full of love, safety, honesty and warmth. design it the way you always wanted!!! get a dog if you dreamed of having one maybe. paint it the way youd like, decorate it so it feels nice. take trips on your own maybe while the kids are with him and embrace being the strong and beautiful woman that you are!!! we are always here and im sure there are lots of us here who understand....my ex remained in the nice big house we rented together too. I had to pack up and leave with nothing but one bag. I didnt have proof in writing that a few thousand dollars were on the deposit from me in cash- of course i never saw that money again...but it doesnt matter. I am alive, free, breathing, surrounding myself with lots of loving and fun people- and whoever tries to invade my freedom the slightest bit- is being kicked out without asking twice. here is to strong women and our will to not be slaves to anyone.
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steve
Member
Admin
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Post by steve on Jan 5, 2014 17:32:36 GMT
Hi, old buddy!
It is really common for kids to idolize the abuser, especially if they were young or weren't so directly involved in the abuse. First off, there is the trauma bond, just like you experienced - when the good stuff doesn't fit with the bad stuff, we want to believe the good stuff is real and the bad stuff a "one off." Kids are just the same. Second, you are the safe parent, the one he can count on. He knows this. But his dad is more iffy - if he doesn't act right, he knows the rug could be yanked out from under him. So he puts extra energy into maintaining the relationship that is more questionable, and tends to take you for granted. All unconscious, of course, but it still happens. They play the kids just like they played their partner, and they are good at it.
Janine, as usual, is right on - the best and really only thing to do is to make time with you as safe and fun and loving as you can. His relationship with his dad is, in the end, his concern. I suppose my only other advice is not to protect him from the truth about what happened. Don't trash his dad, but don't pretend he isn't who he is. You will see little incidents of manipulation or whatever show up, or he will remember things from the past - don't minimize them. It's not "trash talking" to tell the truth about what happened and what is happening. It's just being honest. You can also take these opportunities to ask questions, like, "Hmmm, why would he say something like that?" or "How did you feel when he did that? I might have been worried about X..." These discussions may not make a lot of impression in the short run, but he will remember them as he tries to put together a coherent picture of who his dad is. There is nothing wrong with being honest.
Hope that helps. Great to hear from you, and well done on making life after abuse work for you!
---- Steve
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Post by walkingthroughtreacl on Jan 5, 2014 19:01:43 GMT
Hello Steve - really good to hear from you again! How is life with you? What with you and the others it's like welcoming back family. You were so, so supportive of me and knew exactly the right thing to say. I cannot thank you enough. As I said on a couple of previous posts, without HH I'm not sure I'd still be here.
First of all, Janine's post. Good to know that life is going well for you and it sounds as though your jerk radar is in full swing!
You are spot on about my children keeping up the amount of contact they do with my ex because of the money. I know that if they don't do what he wants then he will threaten not to pay their phone bills, driving lessons, clothes etc. etc.
The story about your neighbour sounds typical of an abused wife and mum, and we mother's seem to hold on until the absolute bitter end. Glad to hear that she is now enjoying life.
So yes, I need to focus on me and my surroundings and keep being there for my children, but just enjoying life on my own. I also need to stop dwelling on the unfairness of life and how my ex has pretty much come out unscathed, as opposed to what I, and many like me, have to cope with on a daily basis. But I have the one thing that he never wanted me to have and will never be able to take from me again - my freedom.
And Steve, yet more wise words. I see exactly what you're saying about how my son needs to feel that he has to work at maintaining the relationship with my ex, as opposed to the one with me which he takes for granted, but in a good way. He doesn't feel the need to keep me onside - he knows I'm always there for him and so he doesn't need to do any work to keep our relationship that way. It's good to know that my son's need to idolize my ex is quite usual because I was really beginning to worry as I wonder if any of my children are going to echo my ex's behaviour in later life.
I've also shielded my youngest from a great deal of what went on, but he's now 17 so I think old enough to do what you've suggested, Steve, and start to ask him questions about his father's behaviour. He may not give me much of a reply but I'm certain it will make him think.
Again, HH comes up trumps with not only great support and words of wisdom, but for being there. Thank you.
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Post by jeannie812 on Jan 6, 2014 2:15:22 GMT
That is such a tough one. I told my kids their dad was not telling them the truth, they said I was talking about their dad. He told them I was holding out on the child support and spending it on myself. I told the kids I used the child support for their school activities and also for bills. They said I was talking about their dad.
He still works his manipulation on them. I notice on facebook he calls them Honey in his postings to them. He NEVER called them Honey before! He even calls me Honey when he never called me that during our marriage. I had no name at all. I was Hey You.
The damage he did still lives with me. People wonder why I stayed? Guys like that take away your out. And, they don't do this overnight, it is done systematically over time. It creeps up on you gradually and all of sudden you look around and you feel stuck in this really bad relationship.
Jim slammed my door hard every time he barged in my door to scream at me because I didn't answer the phone on Monday morning after he blew me off all weekend. It wrecked my door. He sprung the hinge. I had someone fix it but it's never been the same, it's still off hinge. I broke up with him over 3 1/2 years ago yet I still am reminded of him when I see the light of day through the door crack. It's supposed to get down to 29 below zero tonight, and, I have the door locked and dead bolted, but from there all I have over my door is a sheet of plastic and a blanket. I need the rest of the blankets for my bed. So this is just one example of how abuse lives with me. It's all the reminders left behind by the damage he did.
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Post by walkingthroughtreacl on Jan 7, 2014 19:16:37 GMT
It's so hard telling children bad things about their father. I have tried to keep it to an absolute minimum but the injustice of it all is so very hard to take. However, Steve's reply makes absolute sense and I hold on to the fact that my children don't have to make the effort in their relationship with me, as opposed to their father who blows hot and cold as the mood (and other women) take him. And I think that one day, they will realise who was there for them.
You're so right Jeannie, people just cannot conceive what these abusers take from you - your out. Ironically, even though I had to leave because the physical abuse was becoming highly dangerous, I think if it hadn't escalated in the way it had, much longer and I doubt very much that I would have been able to leave.
It's strange, isn't it, how things trigger such deep memories? I have a portable DVD player which I used to like watching in bed. My ex didn't like me watching it though - when I was in bed I should be there for him. So one evening he came in while I was watching a DVD. He had big, heavy site boots on that he'd chosen to keep on (he'd normally take them off as he came in the house) and started ranting about what a bad mother I was, etc. etc. While he was going on at me, I kept watching the DVD just praying he'd stop and leave me alone. But this particular evening he was getting worse and worse and I knew something bad was going to happen. The DVD player was on a glass shelf and my ex suddenly kicked the shelf so hard from underneath with his heavy boot that the shelf flew across the room while the DVD player smashed against the wall. Amazingly, the only damage to the player was a slight dent in the cover. I still have the player and each time I see the dent it reminds me or just what I had to cope with on an almost daily basis. It's so real it's as though I'm back there, even though the incident was nearly four years ago. I'm reliving the time again now as I'm writing it, dreading the footsteps on the stairs as he came up to bed - it was the worst time of day for me. Just the worst.
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 7, 2014 19:40:03 GMT
Oh my....how well I remember that....my Ex smashed my laptop down after he threatened to throw it out of the window. He held it out there with one hand, grinning at me while screaming obscenities and when I got it back he ripped it away from me and threw it down the stairs where it broke into pieces. Luckily- when I collected it whilst running out of the house with only a few important items that night- it worked just enough to send my brother an email I needed help and to block my Ex off Facebook Then it crashed. I gave it a kiss. My brother showed up two weeks later with a brand-new laptop for me as a gift. But every time I look at my new laptop (which now is already also old and will be replaced soon) I do catch myself thinking every now then about WHY I have this laptop. It's weird how certain things can trigger the memories. I remember my therapist walked me through the abusive moments step by step and always with me in charge (I wanted to talk every detail through with her to deal with it) and when i came to the final night when things escalated with the laptop and the violence-- I couldnt breathe. I almost passed out in her practice and wanted to ask her if I could sit down on the floor. I didnt...i didnt pass out and i didnt ask her to sit on the floor but I told her thats how it felt. She explained to me how trauma does that to you. It's in your body. And then....now life is good. The memories are there but they are becoming more and more just that...a memory. My life is 100% abuse free, I do what I want and how i want it and anyone who tried since then to control me is being kicked out in flying colors. And the best part is-- i dont care!If it doesnt feel right it is not right. And you need to leave or I kick you out. That is one thing I learned from all that and I am kind of "thankful" my Ex had escalated before i got more lured into that swamp-- like you described it too. For me the sound of a car engine similar to his would trigger flashbacks for the longest time but time really does heal....symptoms get better over the years and the soul heals.
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