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Post by crystal on Apr 1, 2014 20:34:55 GMT
I feel really lonely tonight. I have been ill with a chest infection for over a month and had a throat test done last week which came back positive today so have now been prescribed my fourth lot of antibiotics. Thankfully when I went to chemist the first time the pharmacist noticed that the prescription would interact very badly with my morning anti-depressant and wasn't happy to give it to me so he contacted the doctor and got another kind for me. Start taking it before bedtime which will be really soon as I am so tired. See my own GP on Thursday am to get my monthly meds so will ask her more about the test and exactly what is wrong with me. Google i just not a good idea just now, I have several ideas ha ha
Work is so busy and overwhelming, I can't concentrate, and my colleague keeps turning radiators down when I am freezing and she knows I am ill!!
All of this just makes me realist how lonely I am, coming home to an empty flat by myself feeling ill and even eating a micro meal and making my lunch for tomorrow was an effort. I know my ex was such a b*****d but at least he was someon there. Burst into tears in the street on the way home I am so pathetic. I just wish someone was here for me just now. This is going on for too long.
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Post by Janine 1984 on Apr 1, 2014 20:43:41 GMT
You are not alone!! Right next to you sits the huge bundle of love and light you created for yourself by leaving an abuser who sucked out your life. The aftermath of leaving abuse can cause severe depression- even years after leaving.
Im on a tight schedule today but will go back to read up on you entire story here again to make sure i write a longer and suited message.
It is not an easy place to be at but it will get better. You can contact your counselor maybe or make an emergency appointment if you dont have a counselor just yet. (again ill have to reread your story to see if you do later today)
There is help. You dont have to be completely alone during this time. And I too felt like I would have been better off with my abuser than facing the abyss i faced when I walked out on him. It gets better.....let the emotions come in tonight and acknowledge them, but know this is NOT you. It is a feeling that comes and goes. And frankly...even my grandmother used to say evenings and Sundays are the worst. When the world is quiet, our ghosts come out and annoy us.
Tell that ghost to go away- to leave you alone just for tonight and to enjoy the solitude by having time for yourself. The gap these men leave fills over time with new friends, more time with old friends,a hobby you always wanted to take up or maybe even a pet. Dogs are great companions if you feel like you have the time and money to dedicate time for a pet.
more later....keep the head up!!
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Post by Janine 1984 on Apr 2, 2014 13:02:30 GMT
Hey Dianem, I went back to read up on your story and you know what- even though it seems you left your abuser in 2006, it is very normal to still have periods where things seem more bleak and grey and sad. PTSD is so complex and I am glad that it also sounds like you are getting therapy like you mentioned. Time really - even though it is such a stereotype- does miracles here. I am now 5 years out of the abuse and I almost feel like a former drug addict when I talk about it- because it IS kind of an addiction. Who stays with a person that hurts them so deliberately after all??? I must have been crazy. And in a way- I was. If you read "Invisible Heroes" by Belleruth Naparstek you might find a lot of pages there where you will get a huge smile on your face and say to yourself: wow....iam totally normal. This happened to so many former abuse victim. I can see that nothing is wrong with me as a person- it was just wrong what he chose to do to me and I work hard to heal myself now." I also like the title of her book "invisible heroes" because in many ways that is what people with PTSD are. We go to work, we out on that smile, that mask or costume to perform and dont show the outside world the pain underneath. We do that because we have to be strong for our jobs, kids, friends etc....but it is also just as important to give love and patience to our soul that is healing. You are not pathetic for having a bad period right now. Being sick...well it sucks! I cry in bed when I am sick just because being sick is not fun. And then you get all the extra time to think- when otherwise you would maybe exercise, go for hikes, meet friends etc....It also sounds like your body is screaming for a break. Is it possible to take a few days off work? Or go on a vacation soon? Maybe something active if you like outdoor sports. I always find nature healing. Maybe pick up a new sport (when youre healthy again) like diving or something with animals. I read in one medical journal the other day that happiness really is based on an inborn personality but only to a certain amount. A good 45-50% is left up to us to design by choosing activities and other things that help us feel happier like a regulated sleep pattern, good food, staying away from alcohol as much as possible etc.... And I can only repeat the train station image. Your emotions are not who you are. They come in like trains to a station. Eventually the sad ones leave too and are being replaced with happier ones...sometimes all we can do is watch and wait for the departure whistle hang in there.....you are a strong woman for standing up against an abuser and leaving. You chose love for yourself the day you left. Thats HUGE!!!! be very, very proud of that. we are here if you feel lonely again- just drop us a message. I am sure there are many people out there who might not reply but still read it and feel better because they too feel similar to you. thanks for sharing!!
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Post by crystal on Apr 2, 2014 19:43:17 GMT
Hi Janine
Thank you for your kind replies. I guess the PTSD symptoms will rear their ugly head now and again especially when I am ill. I feel a bit brighter today, had a laugh with colleagues at work at lunch and it seemed to brighten my mood a bit. Have GP tomorrow so see what she says.
I know what I did to get free of my abuser was huge as he had total control of me and that took strength. I'm not in therapy now but I have had extensive one to one trauma therapy and then went to a trauma group which helped me so much its unbelievable.
Thank you again
Diane
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Post by Janine 1984 on Apr 2, 2014 19:59:32 GMT
Isnt it great to know one good night sleep and one good meal can have such a different feeling to it??? Good for you. And keep in mind it is sooo ok to feel down and have difficult days. Even people who never experienced trauma have low moments and dislike evenings alone or Sundays alone We are here should the dark trains come back and send them off again and wave goodbye to them. Some evenings when I feel low or alone I just power myself out with sport and have an early, long sleep. It works miracles...
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Post by Kate on Apr 2, 2014 22:40:41 GMT
I can relate to evenings alone and the weekends are difficult.
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Post by crystal on Apr 4, 2014 20:43:34 GMT
Saw GP on Thursday am got told not fit for work so been off, tho they have taken another two days holidays off me. Trying to rest as much as I can so I can go back on Monday.
Hi Kate- sorry you can relate to the loneliness as well, we are here on the forum if you want to talk more. Hope you are okay and can feel able to post more - even a reply on here can make a huge difference. Take care.
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Post by Janine 1984 on Apr 4, 2014 23:39:06 GMT
One long weekend will help a lot! Be kind to yourself and do something you enjoy.....things will get better...sometimes those phases happen and you show great insight into your feelings- which is always a huge advantage when we enter the road of healing!!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2014 19:58:09 GMT
I also feel very alone and ill - it was only yesterday that my marriage came to an end, and that I had to find out that my husband only married me for a visa - though the abuse had been going on for much longer.
I have no support network, no friends or family. I am in so much shock and in so much distress that I have not slept at all last night, and my heart just keeps racing so I might have another night without any sleep tonight.
My doctor has also given me a sick note today and told me that I need to rest. But my mind doesn't rest! For me it's of course all very fresh and raw, but, not having any support, how should I ever get over this? I have had several abusive relationships before so I know eventually I will get over this - but each time that I have to survive yet another abusive relationship, and yet another split up, it gets so much worse because I keep thinking now, how many more times, and why does it keep happening to me? Why couldn't I finally this time have come across a genuine, loving man - instead of yet another one to just use me for a visa, and abuse me, and then leave me?
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