Hi there, I was assaulted about a year ago by an ex. He's recently been parading his new girlfriend on social media and "appears" as if he's happy and treating her with respect. The truth is I wasn't with him for long and the assault only happened once but it was the last blow after countless outbursts of rage and verbal abuse. I haven't fully recovered. I still have flashbacks of him spitting in my face that day. Like I am reading all over this thread I too wonder if I somehow provoked this behavior because I was struggling with depression before I met him. This new girl seems to be everything he wanted me to be. She also feels fine with the whole social media thing while I didn't because I never fully trusted him. He never even met my family. I am struggling with the idea that this monster has turned himself around and has found real happiness while I suffer from ptsd. Also, I wanted to add that another thing that has traumatized me is that many of his friends (also mine I thought at the time) didn't believe me because he is good at hiding his insanity. He seems like a nice guy to others yet I saw a real dangerous person hiding behind the facade. This is very confusing to me because this new person might be in danger and all I think about is when will he start abusing her. He still haunts me and I want to wipe my mind clean of him but it's so hard! Best of luck to all of you out there who live traumatized by these monsters.
Oh man, your post resonated a LOT with me. You have my compassion.
There are several things going on here.
1. He is parading his new victim (and I believe 100% she will be abused) on social media. Why? Because he needs others to think you were the problem. He needs you to think you were the problems. It is what abusers do. All of them. Even the ones who cry crocodile tears and make promises and pretend to blame themselves. He needs his victim to think it was her fault.
2, You are a normal human being and a person who reflects on her own actions. This is why your reaction is normal. You are a normal person reacting to a stressful and abnormal relationship experience.
3. Him spitting in your face. That is one of the most aggressive and sociopathic behaviors an abuser can choose to do. Spitting in someone's face is abhorrent. I am sorry that he did that. It says everything about who he is. It never had anything to do with you. I struggled with and struggle with depression and anxiety. Still, my current partner would NEVER spit into my face because of my mental health challenges. Never. This is sick. It is wrong. You did not make him do that.
4. It was a short relationship, yet he had already shown countless outbursts of rage and verbal abuse. Even though there seems to have been 'only one assault', all those things you described are a clear pattern of abuse. Not just a single event. Abusers always escalate their behavior over time to maintain their power and control. They abuse their victims from day 1, only the victim does not see it as abuse right away.
5. You are right. He is a monster in disguise. He will abuse the next girl. It is painful and can create a lot of anger and sadness when people you know side with the abuser, or choose to be 'neutral', which also means choosing the abuser. Nobody would ever say 'I am neutral' if a child had been hit or abused. But suddenly when a woman is an adult, other human beings seem to sometimes be unable/unwilling to stand up for her.
The reason why your post resonated with me so much was that my ex did the EXACT same thing. New girlfriend rather soon after I left him. One major assault episode. Many outbursts and abusive/controlling/manipulative behaviors before the main assault event 'Friends' who sided with him and did not believe me, or even said to me'why aren't you just over it by now? Let it go!'
My answer to that:
People who either side with the abuser or claim they are 'neutral' are part of what is called secondary victimization. I cut all of these people out of my life. It hurt. It was hard. I was angry and wanted that they saw my pain, my feelings, validated my experiences, I wanted to be believed.
In the end we cannot control how other people see our own experiences. We can control how we react to their choices. It is not easy but it feels better to remove these people from your life, temporarily or permanently.
What feels right is right. Trust your gut.
If a person doesnt feel right, off they go.
I know it's easier said than done. The PTSD took a while to become lighter. If possible, find a good counselor/therapist. DV hotlines/shelters can help you get free counseling. If it ever feels too heavy to carry, call a 24/7 DV hotline or even suicide hotlines can be a wonderful support in dark moments. I have called both before and am amazed by how much lighter it felt just to share my feelings with a licensed and trained professional mental healthcare worker.
It was never your fault. I promise you the PTSD symptoms will go away eventually. I used to have so many flashbacks and nightmares. My depression was unbearable and I drank too much red wine to numb it out I have had suicidal thoughts.
You would never know if you saw me in 'real life'. There are a lot of "invisible heroes" out there (Great book by Belleruth Naparstek by the way wit the same title!)
Gotta run to work now, but if you ever feel like you need an ear, we are here.
Thanks so much for your two cents on this. You sound like you bounced back stronger and wiser than ever and I am so glad you are safe. Some of us may never heal completely but his experience allows us to have a deeper understanding of life. When I read your post I reallized how illogical it is for me to think that a person like this is able to turn their life around so fast yet I still torment myself with the possibility. Spitting in my face was the most repulsive thing he did but it wasn't the most dangerous. These men are dangerous. Guns were confiscated from his apartment and he threatened to shoot me although I knew that he didn't have the guts to to it (yet). So yeah, when I think about this new person my mind enters the rabbit hole. There have been nights where I'll drink myself to sleep. It clouds my judgement and I tend to again believe it was my fault. Therapy can help with identifying what thought patterns are triggering the ptsd and nightmares. We were gaslighted and our minds can become confused as a result from being broken into. As far as those so called friends, they are no longer in my life. A girl I tried to reach out to several times even blocked me and it felt so unfair. I have a lot of trouble trusting other people as a result. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I believe you will continue to heal yourself and other people by sharing bits and pieces of your experience.
Oh my gosh I need this forum. I came out of a 32 yr abusive marriage to an alcoholic in 2010. In 2012, I met a man on a dating site that was a 100 match online. True Christian, charming and perfect for what I had missed being married to an alcoholic. We dated for 4 years and it was a whirlwind of fun and laughter most of the 4 yrs other then I could see his jealous behavior now and again. He wanted me to move in and I wouldn't. So this past October we were on a romantic camping trip and talked about marriage and where we would live. Two weeks after that, he accused me of being attracted to 3 other men. Said I stared at a man at a wedding reception the whole nite which wasn't true. My boyfriend was the sexiest guy there. So he wouldn't listen to me telling him he was nuts for thinking that and pieced together 4 yrs worth of accusations that I had no idea he was collecting in his head. He said he had a dream about me cheating too so he dumped me. I am shocked beyond belief, and devastated that he wouldn't listen. He turned it all around d on me and made it all my fault . Now I found out from his family that he did this to other girls. Gets to a point and blames them for cheating. I have no idea what disorder this is but I am having terrible trouble healing. He now has a new woman and I know she is being set up in his next trap. I don't know if I will ever trust again after this.
He was a total jerk - you dodged a bullet! Hard to feel like that now, but you are lucky he let his real self surface for you to see.
BTW, my wife and I both share all the time about people we find attractive. There is nothing odd or wrong about finding other people attractive, and him being paranoid about it is HIS problem. If you really have a strong relationship, it's easy to acknowledge that other people are attractive without it threatening the relationship in any way. It is normal for us as human beings to feel attracted to multiple people. It is NOT normal for someone to be paranoid about you sleeping around when there is zero evidence that you are doing anything of the sort!
I know I've posted on here before but I'm REALLY struggling with my ex and his fiancé walking past my window parading their new baby constantly. They're trying to lure my son into having contact with them because he knows our son was desperate for a sibling. I feel it's only a matter of time before they suck him in
I found out my ex strangled a female police officer and threatened to rape her dead mom last year but he looks really well and they both seem soooo happy when I see them together it makes me think he's finally changed, she's loved him better, her unconditional love has cured him. Makes me think hat's what I should've done then maybe we could've had what they have. But instead I suffer with anxiety, depression and low self esteem.
After 10 years you think he'd leave us alone. I still can't deal with her being in on it too. I've not made any form of contact with him for 10 years and he still hates the fact I cut the supply off. He says it's only because he wants to see our son (who has said he wants nc) but if it was about him he would've done what we suggested which was write to him but he refused.
I know people say move away but I worry about my mental health as I'm struggling enough as it is let alone being even poorer living somewhere horrible knowing he made me do it which he'd love!
Ps, apparently there was no record of dv violence against her only his mom and police officers... do you think he really loves her? And that's why he hasn't hit her? Makes me feel like they must have something really special which is hard to as It kinda helped me cope with the DV thinking he only did it because he loved me so much
No, he doesn't love her - he isn't capable of it, not the kind of love you and I are talking about. His "love" is selfish and possessive and punishing.
And you don't know he hasn't hit her. But if he hasn't yet, it's most likely because he's got her jumping and doing whatever he wants and he hasn't "had to" hit her yet (as it would sound in his thinking). Consider the fact that he needs to parade in front of your house, TEN YEARS down the line - what does that indicate? If he were truly happy and reformed, why would he want to rub salt in the wound and try to make you and your son suffer? Happy people don't do that.
He is no different than he was before. He didn't abuse you because he loved you so much - he did it to control you and make himself feel better at your expense. And nothing she did or can do would make him different. The only person who can do that is him, and so far, there is no indication that he has changed a thing.
Consider this: when you were together, didn't other people perceive you as a happy couple? Did you advertise that he hit you or was cruel to you? She is of course not going to advertise his abusive behavior, and is most likely in the place you once were where you thought it was your fault, or could be fixed if only she is nicer to him.
Have you read "Why Does He DO That?" by Lundy Bancroft? Or my book, "Jerk Radar?" Both can help you understand how these abusers operate, and how easy it is for them to portray that everything is wonderful when it really is not.
Thanks so much for getting back to me I know he probably hasn't changed.. he just looks so well (but then she's mega rich and keeps him) if I didn't work and was looked after like a child I'd probably look good too!
He's convinced himself and her that I've MADE our son not want to see him which just isn't true.
He will do anything to get what he wants and he wants our son. He wants to turn him and everyone else against me. But that's what I get for cutting him out of my life.. life long hatred that's ruining my life, stopping me from progressing and creating mental health problems when all I did was love and support him
Hey Jellybean, I agree with Steve. From what you are saying and describing, your ex is not capable of the love most normal, happy, people know. It isn't real love. He doesn't "love her more". He has painted a picture to others that makes it look that way. He wants to "shine" in other people's eyes, he wants people you have in common to favor him and not you. HE IS ABUSIVE. YOUR ex is an ABUSER and yes, they will do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING to get what they want.no matter who they step on or hurt.
My thought is ..your life doesn't have to be ruined because of him. You also don't have to have a life of "no progress and new mental health problems". Yes he is going to exist, yes he is around because of your son. BUT..you have power and control over what you do, what you think, and what you feel.
He is a JERK. There is no doubt about that. I want to empower you to take control of your life and go forward. AND one of the best ways to do that is "NO CONTACT". I know this is challenging because you have a son together. There are ways around that, there are limits and rules that you can put into place.
Your ex is still abusing you and my gut tells me..don't let him have any more power. ABUSERs only have power that we give them. The BEST way to get "revenge" is to live your life in a good way. Take care of you, focus on you, focus on how you can heal, how you can let him go and move forward. I am not saying this is easy by any means, but I am saying try and work with a counselor.
Your EX is ABUSIVE..there is no remorse that he feels, he truly believes and knows that he is entitled to treat you and his current wife the way HE wants to. AND HE THINKS IT IS OK to do that. You cannot change him. The ONLY person you can change is YOU. Focus on you. Take Care of YOU.
His new wife is not better than you. She does not love him more than you. She is trapped. He has probably painted you in such a terrible light that she works everyday to "be better than you". Because he has told her that she is. He is abusing her. I have no doubt about this.
If you have not read the books Steve mentioned..I urge you to do this. Read and learn, obtain knowledge. The more you educate yourself about what your ex is doing and who he is..the easier it will be for you to see that you did not cause him to be abusive, you did not deserve his abuse, and you cannot change his abusiveness.
Hi Im so glad I found theis forum. I'm coming from a 6 year abusive relationship with someone I considered my best friend. We have two beautiful girls together. We kinda broke up after 4 years because he continued to cheat on me with different women but it was this one particular young lady he kept cheating with and eventually ended up getting her pregnant. She used to message me on Facebook for three years straight saying how she was his woman and they were trying to make a baby and of course he blew me off when I would ask about it. Each time he would get caught up with his cheating he would say it was my fault. Each time I would leave he hold me hostage in the house or fight me continuously. After 4 years of mental and physical torture I left pregnant and all. Since I had our 9 month old its ben hell on wheels. The other lady has now had his son and their in a relationship. He talks about me none stop on Facebook and she joins right in with him being disrespectful. I deleted my Facebook account because I couldn't take the inboxes from ppl I didn't know harassing me. I did a order of protection against him because he started popping up my job making threats. I had to change my phone number because he would call 100-200x back to back making threats saying out kids weren't his, he has girls to jump me or how he hope I die. This recently started when I got a male friend he got to the poing he would call him saying I have STD's and I'm a unfit mom. My life has ben hell on wheels I'm currently in counseling through my job and helping my oldest which is five yrs old cope. She has witnessed many fights with him abusing me and the threats. He even filed for joint custody just to try and get at me when he's not concerned with the kids. Im just tired and drained any feedback would be nice.
Hey Hartfilled, I am glad you found this forum too! It sounds like you have been through so much crap with this guy! I am glad you are away from him, but it is not right all the crap he continues to do.
I am also very glad that you are seeing a counselor. Your ex is clearly abusive and I would say also harassing you. I am very glad you have an order of protection against him and I know it is hard, but I would call the police anytime he even comes close to harassing you and disregarding the protection order.
I am sure your life has been hell thanks to him. It sounds like you have done a lot of good things with changing your number, closing your FB account. All good measures to take to keep him out of your life. At this point, I am thinking one thing may help is to contact a Domestic Violence Center and consult a legal person for guidance. I would hate to see him get joint custody.
Please know that none of what he is doing is your fault. His current partner is probably being abused as well, he has her under his thumb and what she is doing to you (along with him) is very predictable for a "new partner". He charmed her probably the same way he charmed you into being his partner and now they have a child together. I am sure she is "trapped". BUT it sounds like he is "pulling her puppet strings" and she is doing whatever he wants her to do. If you want more insight..Lundy Bancroft wrote a book called "Why Does He Do That?" It is a well written resource of ABUSE. It saved me when I read it. It enlightened me to the world of Domestic Violence. I gained so much by reading it. There is a chapter that talks about "the new partner" and how she (or he) bonds with the ABUSER against you. I was stunned when I read this..because I did the same thing with my then boyfriend who was abusive. I worked really hard to love him way better than his ex-wife. I am friends with his ex-wife now. We have compared notes..she is a very nice, kind, loving woman. He made her out to be a horrible mother, a horrible person, and the whole problem with her marriage was HER. NOT. He abused her like he did me. She THANKED me for being the "other woman". I know that sounds strange, but my relationship with him..he cheated on her and that was all she needed to leave. AND SHE did...she dumped him so fast. I of course was not paying attention and I joined forces with my ex..against his ex-wife. SO VERY WRONG..but my ex boyfriend is ABUSIVE and everything he did to get me to hate her..very textbook!
Your ex doesn't care about his children. If he did..he would treat you with respect.
My gut tells me to "run"! Get as far away from him as you can and stay as far away as you can. He is not going to change. He wants to bother you, he believes it is his right to bother you and he believes you deserve to be bothered because you left him. He wants attention and to know that he is bothering you. BEST THING YOU CAN DO??? No nothing and don't react. ALSO the HARDEST thing to do. Don't give him what he wants. Tell yourself that you know the games he is playing, you know what he is trying to do, so cut him off at the pass and don't respond, ignore him.
I don't mean close your eyes to all that he does..gather evidence, keep records of what he does, in case you have to build a case against him. BUT don't give him what he wants..attention.
Hope that helps some! Kudos to you for reaching out for support! Such a great way to take care of YOU!
Thanks so much for responding Karen. I have purchase the book by Lundy and plan to read it soon. I once was the exact way with my ex I hated the ex too and did exactly what he wanted towarfs her. But in my mind I knew it was wrong and he was too. But I tried to love him better than his ex that he made out to be crazy or "asking for it". I have a lawyer for the joint custody battle and she has told me if we get the order of protection approved he wouldn't get custody maybe visitation. He only really wants it so he doesn't have to pay child support for them. Im getting my oldest the five yr old counseling now, because she has witnessed alot. I don't think I ever want to come back to social media. Im so thankful to have found this forum thanks to much for the response!!!
My ex(of only 3 months)has also got himself a new gf.She is from the next town and has 4 kids.And I've yet to see them together. Since our final break up,I have socialised more and met other men but made it clear that I'm not ready for a relationship so I'm just enjoying my freedom and having fun.He has made it clear(through mutual friends)that he's obviously bothered about it..He's not going to stop me.And I'm sure the new gf would have a problem with that.I admit,when I first heard of the gf,I felt a pang of hurt..for 10 seconds..but then this week I have actually sobbed-but I have been ill and had too much thinking time but am glad because now it is out of my system.I already referred to her as his next victim.He too is parading the relationship over social media but I know it's fake pretence.I know his game.I also know that I have gained more confidence since leaving him and I'm attractive(not short of offers-and he knows it)that if/when I do see them,I shall be just strutting myself past...rolling my eyes and laughing probably at the charade going on.And I can do this because I've educated myself on abuse,attend support sessions and talk to others.The self-esteem will grow and you will be able to see the situation for what it really is one day..a game that she does'nt know she's in. The only time I would say something is if his new gf said something to me but I will be very quick to put her straight.As for him-he does'nt exist to me anymore.Please believe..it does get easier..And it's ok to still cry..it's all normal process to move on.
Post by Freehuman back again on Jun 10, 2017 5:04:33 GMT
Hi All, Have been keeping up with this thread and everyone's comments about how to deal with your feelings when an abusive ex gets a new gf. In my case my first instinct was not to hate. My second instinct way to maybe interject (no use). I waited. Luckily the relationship ended really quickly between them. Maybe she saw the queues I didn't. Maybe she heard about his past. Maybe he did something. Either way I feel relieved that he's not in a relationship. Because I know he can't be in one, he never got help after mine and I received death threats. Whether these were anger driven or serious it doesn't really matter to dwell about it anymore. It felt like a big burden for me to know he was with someone and not tell. And I am sure this is the core issue most of us here have dealt with upon moving on. I am thankful towards everyone, especially the people who run this thread because only you can help people like us. Your experience. Hugs.
Post by IthoughtIwasoverthis on Oct 12, 2017 1:27:01 GMT
It's been several years. I have dated other men, some more successfully than others, and think that I am in a good relationship now. I'm so glad I found this forum though, because when I found out that my exhusband was dating a woman who is very much like me, when he didn't allow me to be myself at all, I feel like I'm melting down. I have so many goddamn questions, and I will never know the answers to them. At first I was glad because it literally means he is somebody else's problem but... goddamn....
When we were married he was conservative. We had dated for many years, and while he had been depressed in the past and self-abusive, a lot of the crazy didn't really hit me till we got married and moved in together. Part of that crazy was not wanting me to be liberal. He made a point to eat tons of meat and drink tons of beer. He had shirts about bacon. He would tell me "You better not become a vegetarian." He would clean his guns or sharpen his knives while I watched shows that might "make him gay." No knife needs to be sharpened that often. He told me that the only reason he was going to vote was to cancel out my liberal, Democratic vote. He owned guns, and identified with the Columbine killers even though high school was a long freaking time ago. Even after the divorce, every time there is a mass shooting I worry that it is him. I guess I don't have to worry now? He thought it was funny to say the n-word as soon as he woke up, and sometimes a bunch before going to sleep. He had a "stupid black man" voice he loved to use, and if I called him out on being racist he said I was the one that was racist for thinking that was a stupid black man voice....
And he's dating an openly liberal vegan woman 10 years his junior. What the ever loving hell? I really expected him to move on and find somebody like him. Instead, he found somebody even more like me than I was allowed to be while living with him. He has been pretending to be liberal online for years now, and I thought it was to make me look stupid if I ever talked about it, but what if that's not true? What if he was just pretending to be that conservative to hurt me and piss me off? Could he really be that evil? Could he have hated me that much? ANYTHING I loved was hated in that house, more or less. I had to wait to see what he liked just to see what was okay to like when it came to music and movies and television.
I wasn't allowed to use the dishwasher, we had to leave dishes sitting everywhere with water in them. If I was out without him (never) I had to text constantly to prove I was not cheating. He would listen to the tv to fall asleep at night and then if I tried to turn it off he'd hit and kick in his sleep and not give up the remote and scream at me about it. I could do nothing right, so he had to do everything. He gave me an allowance even though I gave him all the money I made. Is he doing this to someone else now? Is he going to do it to someone else? Or does he really love her?
And there's all the little questions about how godawful immature he was. He loved to dutch oven me. He'd put his balls on my forehead. He would come up and hump me if I did yoga, and that was all the foreplay or sexual attention I ever got. He blamed me for our lack of sex. He "had to" look at gay porn to see if his "dick still worked." Does he do these thing to her? Or will he? He was so jealous, how can he stand her working as a server and having to talk to other men? Has he required her to ask before doing perfectly normal things yet?
I sit somewhere between horrified and terrified. What if it is me? What if I really did make him act like this? What if our relationship broke him? He loves to tell everyone how badly I abused him, despite me following all the rules to try to keep him from being upset. Will someone else really be okay with only spending a couple hundred a month while he spends that much on comics every week? He accused me of gaslighting when I said I thought we'd be better off separate, able to find better matches. I meant it, but he said that was me trying to rewrite history and I was what he wanted. Except I was never ever allowed to be myself, so how the hell does that work? And why is he now with someone who is even more like me than I was then, if that makes any sense?
And if he can hide who he is for months if not years, how the hell can I ever trust someone again?
He had me on a strict allowance, despite me having a good job. He takes her to Tiffany. I wouldn’t even have asked to go in, or looked at it, for the explosion that would have occurred. I would certainly not have been able to brag about it online without serious repurcussions. What’s wrong with me that I deserved that and she doesn’t? Is it just because she is prettier and skinnier and younger?
I'm in therapy. I found out about this all because she is a mutual friend of a friend--and he's in her profile pic. He's blocked. I wasn't looking for this information. I recently met some new people from my hometown. I'm just... so confused. I thought I understood what happened to me (it was abuse and he believed the things he said and did) and now I just don't know. Could he have been lying or screwing with me? Did he just hate me that much? I'm so confused.
Hello, I am glad you found this forum too. Maybe I can shed some light on a few things that I believe to be true and from the research I have done..I too have been there..questioning and doubting if I really was the problem.
First..all that you posted that he did and said..he is ABUSIVE..no doubt. He is also a JERK and someday he should be careful as he will get back what he gives out. KARMA..it will happen..not if, but when.
Second..I do not think or believe that you caused him to be abusive. He has been this way his whole life. Probably started to learn at a very young age that it is ok to call people names, it is ok to threaten others with knives and guns, and to basically control you. He truly believes that the kind of person he is is perfectly fine and he is justified in all he says and does. If he doesn't get what is coming to him here on earth, I believe when he meets his Maker he will squirm. That thought helps me sleep at night..they will all pay at some point.
Again..no you are not the problem. You did not cause this. AND whatever he is doing to his new partner..making it look like he is a great guy? He did that to you too for many years it sounds like. It is a matter of time before he starts to abuse her. AND HE WILL. HE IS DOING IT ALREADY. I struggled with this. My ex abusive boyfriend met a woman about 4 weeks after he kicked me out of his house. I tried to warn her..and she listened briefly. They married less than 9 months after they started dating. AND..he didn't talk much about marriage to me, he wouldn't let me move my belongings into his house..she got to and pretty quickly. What makes her any better than me? What makes your ex's new partner better than you? To HIM..she is willing.
SHE IS WILLING..and your ex and my ex..they can abuse again. AND I promise you they are. AND they also know that somehow word will get back to you and me of what they are doing and they know it will hurt us. They have succeeded in still abusing us. Yes..they brag about it on FB and any other form of social media. I have him and her blocked..not just so they can't see my life but to keep me from being tempted to look at theirs. AND I FIGHT that urge.
YES..he was lying and screwing with you. My ex hated FB..he wouldn't let me post any pictures of him and I together, he rarely "liked" any of my posts and what does he do? He posts TONS of pictures of the two of them. All cuddling and kissing..I was terribly confused. Til I figured it out. He is getting back at me for leaving and hurting him. He gets his digs in every now and then and that is why I have him blocked because I honestly don't want to give him anymore of my time..in thought or otherwise.
So please don't think you are the problem here. I know it is confusing. My goal everyday is to go forward and leave him and the other jerks in my life (2 other abusers..one is my ex-husband). I am in a great relationship right now. BUT I still get confused. It still stings..some days more than others. BUT I keep reading about abuse..I read "Why Does HE Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft..I see my exes on the pages of that book. I fight that doubt in my all the time. I KNOW it wasn't my fault. I KNOW they were/are the JERKS..and I know I am NOT WILLING ANYMORE to be abuse. The new girlfriends..they are WILLING. The way I see it..I am the winner and so are you.
Post by IthoughtIwasoverthis on Oct 13, 2017 7:09:26 GMT
I'm not even sure where the gun and knife thing came from--it wasn't his parents. They didn't know he owned guns, and would not have approved as he had been suicidal when he was younger. He claimed that it was just a coincidence. :/
Thank you other and everyone else who has given me huge insight on here in just the first 5 minutes of stumbling across this page!
I feel as if Other was living my life except my abuser is a Police Officer and a narrsist who makes sure everyone thinks he's so respectful and such a great guy when really he's the biggest puke I've ever met in my life. I wasn't raised to take the crap, the mental, verbal and sometimes physical abuse I took from him. I am a very strong, independent woman and an amazing mother of two young kids who are my whole world. I had to pretty much raise my child from birth by myself and I have doNE it well. He was never around, never home and lived a completely separate life from us. When he was home he was a "monster" as I refer to him. He cheated on me many of times, one being when I was pregnant with 2nd child, the last or so I know about, with one of my so called best friends who had husband issues of her own. It was even more devastating and to top it off the night he left...he started screaming at me when I asked him a question in front of my kids as always, he pushed me, threw a bottle towards me across the counter & called me a "f*#king c*#t in front of my 5 year old daughter who was playing on my leg. I slapped his cheek and not even hard just to get him away from me, then ran outside to call the police. He knew it and grabbed both of children dragging them to his car so I yelled to them to get in my car and drove off to get us the he'll out of there. He drove my parents close by telling my mother that I abuse him and hit hI'm all the time blah blah blah....then followed us around town for a couple hours and then went to the police to have me charged with assault. I have never been in trouble and don't have a mean bone in my body. I was devasted beyond belief!! Must be nice to have a badge! Neadless to say the charges were completely withdrawn as the crown was "disgusted" with his actions but I have yet to get over that. He is financially draining and emotionally. The last year and a half has been the worst of my life trying to go back to college at my age which I did and just graduated, dealing with all this stress and hurt from him, fighting for my children, dealing with his constant control still and to top it all off, losing my dog who was first born, my friend of 10 years from work 3 days after and recently 3 months the week before court, losing my mom suddenly, my rock. My children have never left me for a night and now are forced to do every othwr weekend with this monster and they hate it, my daughter never wants to go or comes home early and its so awful. Not one ounce of compassion from him during it either and still he wouldn't settle in court with his rediculous behaviour as we had court the week after my mom's dealth, the day of her viewing.
Even throughout all of this and barely hanging on, I raise my children and support them, all 3 of us go to therapy to deal with it all. I have been very reasonable, extremely fair and accommadating to him and his crazy schedule to be able to move on and still he's wants more and more and to hurt me and our kids continously manipulating us and everyone and it's disgusting. He has cost me thousands in legal fees which i dont have and doesn't want to pay child support so is trying to get 50/50,refusing to get a lawyer because he thinks he knows the law here and I am standing my ground because my children don't deserve this. I just want to move forward but I feel stuck and now as of two days ago, the woman I believe he is now seeing who moved in with her two boys above him, showed up where I was with my kids and he was there too (sporting event). She's tiny with big fake books, long dark hair like mine but old looking. She walked up to him gave him something & I could tell he's manipulated her too. I have been sick about it all weekend!! I don't love him but I tried damn hard for him to love me like I deserved to be loved and he destroyed me. I feel like the loser he always called me every single day and I don't know what to do. There is never a chance I want to be with anyone like him ever again but I want her know what I went through and what his ex's went through too who actually warned me 12 years ago and I should have listened then. I'm so happy to come across this page to know I am not alone in feeling the way I do so thank you so much xxoo