I could see this being a thorn in your side when it's at work. That is too up IN THE FACE. Co-workers can smirk at you. How horrible for you. If she was someone outside of work, you wouldn't know about it.
I always wondered if I could warn my ex-abusers new woman about him. NO. They would think I want the asshole back. They have to figure out for themselves. Even if they ask. They are not ready to hear the answer. They are getting near the end, but not quite.
I'm still waiting for a woman to call and ask me about my ex-abuser Jim. I'm still waiting! I will tell her that I can't tell her anything cause he said he will sue me for slander if I tell on him.
I'm really struggling with the fact my ex and his pregnant fiancé have set up home up the road from me. I absolutely love my home (that I share with his son) but it's killing me hearing about them being in MY local park, at OUR local shop etc Why would they move so close!?
Should I just move? As once the baby comes it's going to be even harder, especially for my son
My ex is so emotionally manipulative he turns up at places he knows my son will be, he's already told my son you re gonna be a big brother to your lil sister, you only get 1 dad, he'd never lie to him, me and my family have all stopped him from seeing him blah blah
The weird thing is I feel so jealous of the other woman and of him for landing on his feet with a rich girl, they'll never struggle, while I'm here working my butt off struggling to provide for his son and all he does is rub his happiness in my face.
I should say he does seem to have changed, he's looking well etc although he broke the handle off the door to my flats and wrote his name on my car about 8 weeks ago so maybe he hasn't changed that much? Plus he commited a bad crime not so long ago that he's awaiting trial so maybe it's shaken him up to finally change 🤔
Hey Jellybean...hard to tell you what to do about moving. I can see how it would help you to cope better. I have distance between me and my exes ( 2 of them who are abusive). If you can move, and thinking a new fresh start would b good for you and your son..then why not go? I am moving out of my area once my daughter graduates from high school..got a year and a half to go. Will put more distance from the exes. Starting over fresh cannot hurt in my opinion.
As far as your thoughts about him "Seems to have changed"..I suspect he has not changed. What he is doing is being on his best behavior for now. The man is being charged with a crime..he doesn't want to be convicted..he wants to look good. Breaking the door handle to your home? Did he do it on purpose? Wrote his name on your car? Vandalism in both accounts. HE HASN"T CHANGED...and he NEVER WILL CHANGE! Please don't think that he has. He wants to portray himself in a good light..but damaging your home and your property??? That isn't the signs of a decent person. He is violent. Being charged with a crime may change the normal man..but a Narcissist??? Heck know..he believes he hasn't done anything wrong..no need to change as far as he is concerned.
ABUSERS don't change because they get shaken up a bit. THEY GET WORSE. What he did to your home and car...he is getting worse!! Please be careful with this man. I would take pictures of the damage and keep them in a safe place. It could be evidence used later if you need it. I would move and get as far away from this guy as you can. HE has the potential to be physically violent towards you and your son. Be careful..and please, listen to your gut. He hasn't changed and he probably never will.
My son is feeling so confused about his dad it's so difficult to watch him get so affected by someone who doesn't deserve his tears.
Do you think he moved nearby to antagonise me or to try to see his son? The fact he damaged my property once he realised my son still doesn't feel ready to see him, makes me think it's more about my son?
I know this sounds awful but in a weird way I hope he hasn't changed, why should they get to live happily ever after when I haven't had a relationship for 9 years for fear he'd attack them.
I hate them both for invading my life like this. I wonder if she knows what he did at mine?
I think with a very heavy heart I might have to move once my sons 16 (2 years) by then I'll be mid 30's and my ex would've affected my life for 16 years 😔 What a waste...
Hey Jellybean..I am sure your son is confused. His father is horrible, yet at times is not. That would confuse anyone..let alone a 14 year old. My kids are older..16 and 20 and they are confused at times. It takes time to heal and it doesn't help that they get to keep seeing him.
Believe me..the very thought that my ex is miserable? Keeps me going. I also can't and won't believe that his new wife is happy with him. I believe though that my ex's new wife WANTS to be happy, so she will talk herself into it. She didn't like him when they were dating and she even broke up with him, then married him 5 months later. IT MADE NO SENSE to me. She either lied to me..or she is lying to herself. I talked to her and tried to warn her about him. We compared notes and he did the same crap to her that he did to me..but she didn't seem to be bothered by it. I also suspect she is just as crappy as he is. She was pretty nasty to me when I warned her about marrying him (he had contacted me 2 months before they got engaged and wanted to get back together. Yet, she marries him 2 months later).
I too can't stand my ex or his new wife. Believe me..he hasn't changed. If you want to move...I don't see how it can be bad for you. Starting over can be very freeing. I redecorated my new place with a lot of new things..just to get the "essence" of the ex out of my stuff and my life. IT felt AWESOME..and I don't have any regrets moving to another place. My daughters and I started over..a bit. It has been very healing for us. I was with my ex husband for 25 years. I have no contact with him. It is great. I will never let him into my life again.
You will grieve your home that you are leaving..but that is normal. Change can bring a lot of emotion with it..but it is ok. It can bring a lot of positive and joy as well! Hugs to you! Your gut will tell you what is best for you and your son!
It's reassuring to hear I'm not the only one hoping my ex isn't living happily ever after, living the life I couldn't have because of him.
How have you found new relationships? I worry myself how emotionally detached I am from men . I have no empathy or emotional feelings towards them at all. If I have an 'adult sleepover' 🙊 (which happens about once a year) I couldn't care less if I never hear from or see the again I wonder whether it's genetic 🤔 because my dad never had a relationship after my mum in his early 20's then recently confessed he used prostitutes for 30 years To save getting emotionally attached 🙈
So.. found a flat BUT I'm absolutely petrified of moving. My anxiety levels are ridiculous. I suffer with slight MH problems anyway so I worry they'll get worse I've spent 14 years (since I was 18) and creating a beautiful home. I can walk to work, doctors is on the same road, parents round the corner, it's in a very affluent area, sons best friend is around the corner. But he wants to move, says he wants to pack up and start again. But it would use all of my savings Mean commuting to work and school I worry I feel lonely, broke, isolated It wouldn't be hard for my ex to find us but I'm trying to not think it's because of him we're moving. It has to be for us. He's probs going to prison for years soon anyway.
my gut says stay in your comfortable, perfect, easy life/ safe home. But my friend says I've tried everything possible to progress and nothing's worked so maybe I need to expose myself to dramatic change and vulnerability to properly start again? I suppose you only live once and life is about taking risks.
Also does a fickle 14 year old really know what he wants? And how hard this will be? X
Hi Jellybean..I know there are so many feelings attached to our homes, moving, our neighborhoods. It is all difficult to change. I had lived in my house for 20 years..raised my girls there, made our house cozy, nice, did all the landscaping, etc. I loved my neighbors, it was my routine for 20 years. I didn't want to leave..it had a lot of guilty feelings..my girls had never lived anywhere else. BUT..my ex had become a hoarder, his abusiveness had gotten worse, the house became incredibly costly to maintain (my ex never made a decent income and really didn't help with the house maintenance). I was killing myself to keep it clean, do the upkeep..it got to be too much. I couldn't afford to live there on my own and my ex had put us $50,000 in debt by running the home loan up to its max. He never paid a penny of it back.
So,,I had to sell the house..I wanted to start over. He was pissed that we had to sell it..mostly because he couldn't and still can't afford to live on his own. I was his meal ticket and he hated that I was changing all that. BUT..once I started to begin thinking of a "new life", of how I wanted to decorate my new place, and I moved just enough away to be in a new neighborhood? It all started to actually be exciting. I didn't completely have to change everything. My daughters were behind me 100% with moving, especially my now 16 year old..she was 14 when the house went on the market. My older daughter struggled a bit..she was attached to the memories. My girls have a huge bedroom, walk-in closet, we have modern appliances, new bedding, new artwork on our walls..all done by us. Our home was "blessed" by a great friend of mine and we started fresh. My ex has never been inside my home and he is not welcome. He never comes in when he drops off my daughter and he never will. I have nothing that belongs to him. I got a new bed, I got new dishes, repainted my lamps and new slipcovers for the sofas. It all helped. AND I LOVE my new home. The only down size is it is an apartment..so when my daughter graduates..I will be buying a new house. I have been looking already for that opportunity.
Change isn't easy and it can trigger some tough feelings. BUT for me..the positive outweighed the negative. Yes..I believe teenagers know good from bad..they too have memories attached to things..my daughter couldn't wait to move. My older daughter left for college before we moved, she loves the new place as well. They have mixed feelings about their old house..but they don't miss the mess, the tension, and the abuse their father inflicted when he felt like it. So yes, your son knows what he doesn't want and that is the tension, the walking on eggshells. My ex knows where I live. I don't care what he knows. I am stronger and wiser..he will not hurt me again.
Two of my fellas exes tried to warn me off him and I thought it was just jealousy and BS, one of them is an alcoholic just like him because he prob drove her that way with how he treats women. I should have listened but thank god I've only gone through 12 months she had 7 years. Really wished I'd listened but he told me he loved me and hadn't loved a woman like me for years. He hadn't met a gullible idiot for years is the reality . I've woken up now though and he's not controlling me anymore I'm strong I have a brain in my head and I can see right through him now. Warn her love but she won't listen she will be swept away by the charming man then reality will hit and she will be in the same boat as me and you x
Hi redyecart..there is a chapter in a book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why Does He Do That?" Great resource for explaining all things related to ABUSERS and Domestic Violence. The chapter speaks of how the ABUSER gets "allies"..and people who are "on his side". He "hooks" them and usually it is a new partner or new woman.
You are not a gullible idiot..you are a great loving person who was "tricked" by the charms of a very skillful abusive person. I wish someone had warned me..but chances are I wouldn't have listened. The ABUSER convinces us that he hasn't loved anyone like he loves us, and no one has loved him like we have, and his ex was horrible, hurtful even abusive. AND we are "so different" and they are "so happy" now that we met. How do we not fall for it? ABUSERS do the same tactics from one woman (or man) to the next. IT is very predictable.
I have become friends with my ex's ex wife. AND wouldn't you know her story is almost exactly the same as mine. She left him when he cheated on her with me. I actually contacted her and apologized to her and she hasn't stopped thanking me for giving her a reason to leave the 20 year marriage she was in. The stuff she told me was horrible (this was after I had already left the ex). We compared notes...we both think the "new wife" is a nut..but I understand what she is doing. I told her she could contact me if she needed to..but I know she is too proud. She would never admit she made a mistake. They have been married about 1 1/2 years..I still can't believe she is happy. The ex gets bored easily, he is very paranoid, he is just bad. More power to her. She has not yet sold her house she owned before marrying him..that tells me she is not ready to give up her independence. She has a plan to fall back on. So who knows. I know she will be in the same boat..I also know she was in a very abusive marriage before her current one. She has not changed her ways either.
On Christmas Eve my ex walked into my church half way through the service with his new gf. I couldn't believe it. Wth!? My son nearly had a panic attack so we had to leave
His new gf (heavily pregnant) almost looked smug. No idea what her problem is.. apparently they met in prison.. she was his probation officer and had to give up her job to be with the violent, alcoholic, drug addict which is my ex.
They're both currently on bail, so he's obvs really changed ha!
The question is.. why is she joining in with these games? I've NEVER retaliated to her driving him to my home and my parents etc but now I'm staying to feel angry she's helping him in his quest to invade our lives.
Apparently both her parents are dead so I get she's vulnerable. And she's super rich so they don't have the stresses of daily life.. yet. Until the baby comes.
I wonder if her money can help change him finally? Like with therapy etc?
First of all I am sorry this is happening. I do think if you can afford to, moving away might be a good idea. It doesn't have to be super far away especially if he has visitation rights for your son, but just far enough where he cannot just pop into your daily life like that. It does not sound healthy for your son and for you.
None of this is your fault. It never was.
He will never change. I have completed professional 40 hours DV training at a local DV organization this year and we had several licensed clinical therapists talk to the class. All agreed that abusers really NEVER change. Even the court-ordered counseling candidates. The counselor even joked that he hoped the government won't ever find out it really isn't changing them at all or else he loses his job.
Now, yes, people can technically change. But it is very very very rare and only if they fully admit to all of their behaviors and voluntarily work on it with professionals.
I gotta run to work now but will write you a longer one later.
He will never change and he is already abusing the new girl. I bet my left arm on it.
Now what I am hearing is that your ex got his own probation officer pregnant and she lost her job as a consequence of unethical behavior at work. Both are on probation which means both broke the law enough to make the authorities question whether or not they should be among other people in society. The only reason why they walked into a church service was to have an audience. There is no reason why anyone who does not yet have small kids should arrive late for a Christmas eve service. Even people with hectic lives and little kids will most likely manage to arrive on time or a few minutes late, not halfway through. He did this so you would see him and her.
My advice would be to ignore him and her as much as you can, even if it is very hard. Even if she is 'just' being manipulated by him and he uses her to make you believe he is a great guy and oh so happy, she is not a safe person to be around either. It might be because she is vulnerable and has unmet needs (we all do!) but that does not matter.
You and your son and your health and safety is the only thing that matters. He sounds like a very very sick and dangerous individual. And very manipulative, like you said.
Our neighbors in the town I grew up in had a lot of money. I used to envy them because we didn't and I surely right now don't have a lot of money. But freedom, safety, health...all those are things that money can't buy. My neighbor's father was and is an abusive alcoholic piece of shit. He abused his wife and kids for over 40 years before she finally left him for good. Money helps and we all want more of it.
But it does not cure abusers and that woman is in for a dangerous show.
Take good care of yourself. This is hard. It would be hard to see any ex with a new pregnant partner. Abusers are even worse because he obviously wants you to wonder if he has changed because the goal of any abuser is to make you feel like it is your fault. He is a weak worm who tries to use a child - his own son- to get to you. How pathetic. That is not a man or father. That is an abuser.
It was never your fault. He will never change. You did the right thing by leaving him and keeping minimal to no contact.
I just find it weird why they keep turning up at random places? They also stood right behind my son at the firework display we always go to. Is it because he's desperate to see his son? (who wants no contact) Or is it done in a way to get at me hoping I'll be there?
My son said it's weird how they're always laughing,kissing etc when he sees them which I think might also be done so it's reported back to me? How happy they are etc 🙄
He also hand delivers bday and xmas cards into the flats where we live (did so on xmas eve) which I hate.
I found out there's been a handful of domestics reported to the police this year and he's been arrested nearly 200 times in his lifetime which kinda says it all really.
Why do you think she joins him on his little jollys to where me and my family/son are? She helped him move to my road (as she's the one with the money) which I find so weird 🙈 Why would you want to be near your bf's ex!?
He does seem to have been quiet apart from a few sightings but he's on v strict bail conditions so I wonder if it'll step up once he's off them
I can't wait to move even though it'll be a struggle financially At least I won't be within reach for him to just rock up whenever he wants or brick my window again! (Although that was years ago)
I'm seriously considering just having it out with them instead of these games. I want to take control instead of them appearing in my life whenever they feel like it!
I just don't get why she's supporting him do this though? Do you think he's angry because I won't have contact with him? Or he still has feelings for me?
I think I'm gonna have it out with them.. it's making me depressed/suicidal 9 years we've been split and he still wants to hurt me. The thought this could go on forever makes me feel like ending it all.
You sound shaken and upset. No wonder! After 9 years I would feel the same way. It is not your fault.
In my experience there is only one reason why an abuser does what he does: Power and control. Abusers don't love their partners or have feelings for them like normal men do. They just want the control back.
Nobody will ever know exactly why he does what he does, or why any abuser does what he does. That is also why Lundy Bancroft named his book 'Why does he do that?' because literally every single person who is dating an abusive man (or woman) is asking themselves: why?!
If you feel low and would like to talk to someone about the depressive and suicidal thoughts, please call a suicide prevention hotline. They don't ask you for any names or personal details. It simply allows you to chat with a trained professional about this.
This is hard. You have a right to your feelings.
You can also call a DV hotline, and they might be able to see if there is free counseling available nearby. It sounded like you had some good solutions available as well. Moving further away for example was one of them. Another one could be to strengthen yourself through counseling.
Depression can trigger tunnel vision and cause hopelessness. I promise this too shall pass and you won't always feel like you are feeling right now.
Why does the new girlfriend who was a girl i knew n was around us deserve my ex husband n his great n loving m happy treatment n i was abused physically n mentally was told he hated me n wanted me dead didnt kiss me hug me sleep with me in the end of our relitionship he hated me so much he didnt even look at me or my kids but now he with her n her bb n she gets treated so well n he so happy why can she make him so happy n i couldnt i was a good wife cooked n cleaned paid all the rent cryed to him n he just say quit ur sniffling it hurts me so much especially when he used to call her disgusting n a loser cause she uses drugs n hangs out with criminals n prostitutes how can he just love her now he would be very abusive more wen he drank n he would drive drunk n didnt have no morals he liked to drink but i dnt his new girl allows party n people over all the time so he probably has more freedom to drink n party im confused n hurt by this it makes me sick he had nothing wen he moved in with her but will he love her better i did everything to make him happy i feel like a idiot cause she can make him so happy n i couldnt he treated me terrible tried hitting on my friends wen we went out if i questions him he get mad n say im being stupid the night we finally ended for good i caught him in the bar with my friend about to kiss then he hit me n there was 7 witnesses last thing he said to me was i fucking hate u ur disgusting n nothing to me we r waiting for courts now n iv had one surgery on my jaw wat did i do em i that disgusting ..how do i stop feeling so sad n hurt over this
I'm new to this thread, but I have a question. Do any of you think it would be helpful to reach out to the ex before you? I was in a very emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship for years. I broke up with years ago but am still struggling with the trauma he caused. He talked so much about his ex, and I'm just wondering if anyone here has been helped by talking with other exes.
-Good question! Is reaching out to the ex a good idea.
I believe that 'it depends' would be a good answer to that. It depends on whether or not she is trustworthy, it will depend on how far along in your healing journey you are etc. and whether or not she is still in touch with him. It could go both ways- it could be healing or it could be re-traumatizing.
I did reach out to the girlfriend my abusive ex had before me. In that case she had actually let me know through mutual friends that she regretted not having charged him with DV. She also told mutual friends she regretted not warning me earlier about who he really was. I then asked a mutual friend if she was willing to talk to me on the phone. Hearing her validate my experiences was very very healing for me. It was right after I had been abused and waited for my court date. It was probably the worst two weeks of my life. I only talked to her since I trusted our mutual friend 100%.
She confirmed he had abused her too, and she also said her father (a police officer) had urged her to file charges but she didnt and regretted it. She assured me that he was the crazy one. I really needed to hear that because my PTSD was out of control and I blamed myself for what he had done to me.
If you are in counseling/therapy this might be a question you could bring up in your next sessions. You can also call a DV hotline to talk about how you are feeling and see if they have free counseling face-to-face for you. Sometimes all we need is a trained ear to validate our feelings and to hear us.
For me, I did this. My ex boyfriend was many things, especially a very convincing liar. I met him online in a dating website. We exchanged many many e-mails before meeting. He told me his marriage was basically over and he spoke of his wife in a very negative light. My ex basically was careless and she found about him and I. PLEASE KNOW..I would never be "the other woman", I was in a monogamous relationship for 26 years before I met this man online. BUT..I honestly believed him when he told me his marriage was basically "over". They were still living in the same house, but I figured they were like roommates and he referred to her in that way.
Fast forward 15 months later. This guy whom I had fallen head over heels in love with, moved in with him and gave myself to him, turned out to be abusive and he had kicked me out of the house after we had lived together for 9 months. So, in part of my healing process..I found his now ex-wife on social media and sent her a message. I was apologizing to her for being the "other woman". I felt that I had hurt her terribly. AND I had..but, she also THANKED me for giving her the reason she needed to leave her marriage. She and I have become "friends" on social media. We talk, we share stories, we support each other and we cheer each other on for having found happiness away from the jerk we both had in common. I have apologized for inadvertently hurting her and she continues to thank me just as much. THE JERK abused her for many years, and he did the SAME CRAP to her that he did to me.
The validation I got from her was overwhelming..it really wasn't me, it was HIM. AND he was a real SHIT to her and all he did to me, became clear the kind of person he is. I was so RELIEVED and she felt bad as well for not warning me. She also figured I wouldn't listen. She was right. She and I have never talked person to person..always through social media and that has been ok with me. We have never met. AND probably never will..unless the ex dies and then we will both go just to make sure he is gone.
Talking to a counselor as Janine suggested is really good. I did that with my counselor..she was surprised that I contacted his ex..but she also was not surprised that he abused her too. She complimented me on the courage I had to muster to reach out to this woman. It was very healing for me to do this. I had decided that no matter the consequences..I needed to apologize to her and was very prepared for anger and hurt and negativity from her. And I got a little of that, but I also got so much positive from her. She really is a very nice person, and in many ways she and I are alike. It is a risk..but perhaps if you are prepared for ANY response..good or bad or none at all, that may help.
I have contacted my ex boyfriend's now current wife (I did this when they were dating..4 weeks after he and I broke up). Initially she was nice and listened to my warning..but just prior to them getting engaged..she became really nasty (I believe it was him I was e-mailing with and not her). I actually talked to her on the phone..another huge risk for me. Got some validation from her as he was already heading towards abusing her just a few months into their relationship...but they married 9 months later and I have not heard from her since May 2015. She was a bit hurtful and I talked that out with my counselor as well. I wanted to help her..but she didn't care or believe me as much. He charmed her and they got back together and got married (she had dumped him early on as she saw what he was really like).
Just try and be prepared for whatever response you get. You may get what you are seeking or not..try not to have too many expectations so you don't get hurt.