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Post by andrew on Apr 1, 2014 3:13:56 GMT
Hi
My partner suffered physical domestic abuse from her father from the age of 7 to 12. Generally she is well and happy but she (understandably) struggles with conflict resolution.
She will become very defensive and none compliant over small things, obviously as a way to protect herself. It is upsetting to deal with because I can see she wants to handle herself at this time in a certain way, like most adults would. But it is almost like a stutter where even though she is trying she just can't let herself relax and calm and resolve the situation, i.e. let her guard down.
I understand the situation and try my best to calm, reassure and to not escalate but often the best solution is just time, usually several hours, before she can act in the way I feel she always wanted too (and after talking to her about it how she wishes she could).
The difficulty is before been aware/understanding the situation, I would rise to the conflict and this obviously challenged the relationship. Even if I do not do anything to exacerbate the situation she still feels guilt/regret at how she acted (regardless of what I say), it upsets her and she feels it strains the relationship and that is not something I want her to feel.
Obviously the ideal situation would be a development of this area together so we can deal with it better. We are at the very beginning of the journey, she has seen her GP who has referred her onto a 2nd GP in the practice who specialises in this area who we are yet to see. I presume from there maybe counselling or discussion with further specialised professionals.
What I am looking for is -
-a rough idea of the path this sort of journey can take, I'm a radiographer, so I have an understanding of some aspects but for obvious reasons have very little to do with this side of healthcare
-information on how best to support someone in this situation (I have struggled to find any literature) apart from the obvious/somewhat cliché of listen, be there, etc
-a further issue is she had to be independent in her late teens, living abroad as an aupair from the age 17. She is reluctant to see this as a problem with her, that there isn't anything wrong with her and that she isn't a victim. I obviously don't tell her the extreme of she isn't normal and she needs help etc, but in the least patronising way I can make it sound, I do see her as a victim and calling it an 'issue' (what she is happy to call it) rather than a 'problem' is just renaming the subject. Does this matter? Is development with this part of the healing process? Is it like admitting an addiction, where the first step is admitting there is a problem, is one of the first steps admitting she is a victim? Before resolution can take place. I admire the pride and strength she has had to deal with this as she has and I don't take it as an insult that she can't open up to me fully with this topic yet, but I feel like until she opens up with herself fully there will always be a barrier stopping progress.
-any information you think would be useful really
finally, appolgises if this is a bit all over the place but I am currently on night shift and its 0410hrs |
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Post by andrew on Apr 1, 2014 3:23:33 GMT
A further question
What are peoples relationships like commonly with the abuser?
I can't respect the man, especially as he is a consultant psychiatrist so obviously is very aware of what his actions are capable of. He changed medical specialities relatively late in his profession and I believe he did so through guilt of his previous conduct. They have a very uneasy relationship, albeit now safe, where he clearly feels guilt and is unsure how to handle himself. But, admirably in my opinion, she wants to have a relationship with him as he is her father. Although she is aware of my opinions I keep them private and support her in her efforts to have a normal relationship with him, but fundamentally to me, it isn't normal and I am not convinced it is beneficial.
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Post by Janine 1984 on Apr 1, 2014 13:28:19 GMT
That is a tough situation and it sounds like you two have already steps to get professional counseling for her and maybe as a couple too.
I would say if you find a DV specialist and feel good about the counselor, that is about as much as YOU can do right now. You could also read the book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft, which explains very well how an abusive relationship looks like-- however....it focuses more on romantic partner relationships and not father/daughter abuse. The tactics abusers use are the same though and he dedicates chapters to children of abusers.
A professional counselor can point you out to more suited literature as well- specifically for her situation. If the abuse was also sexual- most people would advise strongly to get a very good counselor into the picture right away and she deserves a full healing program to deal with memories she might have repressed or denial or shame etc.....
In the end she is who she is. It is sad to see someone we love suffer and not being able to help really. On the other end you might also want to think about getting counseling for yourself to have support for YOU as you walk alongside her and her healing journey. After I dated an abuser and broke free and went out with a very normal and sweet guy I told him that he cannot be my therapist nor can I expect him to heal me or do the work for me. I had to realize my trauma symptoms needed professional help and I went and got that-- it was the best thing I could have done.
There are also other good books- "Invisible Heroes" by Belleruth Naparstekt is great and it is also a good resource for family members of abuse victim as it explains their "addiction" aka the traumatic bonding or Stockholme Syndrome victims can suffer from -- which then binds them to the abuser and makes it harder for them to place the guilt where it belongs: the man who abused them. And nobody else.
Hope that helped! Let us know how things are moving along and what else we can do for you.
She deserves all your love and support and space to heal- but keep in mind that so do you- and if she isnt in a place where she can be a complete partner right now, maybe put counseling at the center of the relationship for now until she can access those experiences and work through them. Trauma is very tricky and being abused by a parent is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone. How sick that her father is in the healthcare field as well. Sadly people like that seek out positions of power sometimes and they are then trained masters at manipulation, disguise etc.
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andrew but forgot my password
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Post by andrew but forgot my password on Apr 19, 2014 0:41:59 GMT
hi thanks for the reply, I'll look into the books thank you but I need to look into import tax first (I'm UK based), I've heard stories of people 'getting stung' by them.
Unfortunately we've had some sad family issues (my side) which has distracted us from activly persuing this as we were, but we do have an appointment booked with the Dr the week after next I think. I'm finding the waiting times with these things some what frustrating.
We have had a few honest discussions about it since my last post where I mentioned my concern with her unwillingness to address it as a 'problem' and her as a 'victim' as I mentioned in my first post, I'm not sure if this direct approach is the best way of going about it but she took it well and wasn't upset by my comment. She said she is apprehensive to think that, partly because she doesn't want to show weakness (which seems a logical reaction to her childhood) and because she doesn't want to think less of her father (which to me seems a bit stockholm syndromey for want of a better word)
after re reading your reply one comment stuck in my mind
"In the end she is who she is. It is sad to see someone we love suffer and not being able to help really"
to reiterate im a novice in this field, is it a common experiance for counselling etc to not change/improve a situation. i.e. do you think she will be like this for ever?
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janine
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Post by janine on Apr 19, 2014 15:27:28 GMT
Hey Andrew and welcome back,
I believe a good counselor can make all the difference for us - and I am huge supporter of a good therapy in any context of abuse. What I meany by "she is who she is" is that sadly we cannot force someone to see their situation like we do. You might be 100% right that she needs help and is a victim and what her father did was child abuse-- but until SHE herself is ready to make a step towards getting professional help it can be a very difficult place for you as a partner. You WANT to help but cannot push her too much- but at the same time might feel guilt for not doing "enough" to help her.
In the US it is a bit easier I found to get counseling right away, compared to my country in the EU where you usually wait a long time to get a counseling spot (probably like the UK then I assume)
I am glad to hear you two got an appointment with someone to involve professional support. Something as deep and complex as childhood trauma belongs into the hands of a trauma specialist who has experience with these things. I too have STILL a hard time to understand my mother's abuse and admit to myself she DID abuse me- because I think all children somehow want to think their mom and dad are ok. And meant well. And didnt mean to hurt them.
But....that is not always true
One thing rings giant bells in my ear- the fact her father was a psychiatrist. Abusive men often seek out positions of power over others.
How much better does it get than a psychiatrist??
It is very scary but there are narcissistic and abusive people in all professions and I imagine he must have felt like the control master of the universe in that job. People with mental illnesses or temporary depressions etc. are extremely vulnerable and can be easy prey for a predator like that. The hardest part is often not only to get over physical abuse (I assume it was not of sexual nature) but the emotional abuse that goes often hand in hand with a battering father or partner.
The things he said and she doesnt remember, the condescending looks he gave her without her knowing consciously about it now. That stuff can crawl really deep into ones soul.
You sound like you are being very supportive and you two as a couple seem very mature and willing to work on things. Way to go!
Give yourself credit for that. A good therapy will improve things so much - even if it means hard work and maybe some days a step back and the next 3 steps forward.
What might help her would also be to go to a different (maybe female) counselor at the same time you two attend couple's counseling. So that she has one safe place where no man is present, where she might be able to get to spots of her memory she otherwise wouldnt-- and to give her a safe place to get to know herself more and heal.
I was also wondering- "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft is a book I dont think I recommended yet- it is mostly for partners of abusers but if you think of her father generally as an abuser it really explains very well what abuse does, how one gets traumatized, why victims cannot see easily through the abuse, why these men seek powerful positions etc.
- and most of these books can be bought for a kindle. They should be very cheap there and you can download them onto your computer for free even if you dont have a Kindle.
The software for that is free and if you use amazon or so, it is as easy as one click. I love it!
hang in there and make sure to be kind to yourself as well.
Abuse leaves so many scars and keeps on hurting sometimes beyond the actual abuse. (that is unless he has REALLY stopped manipulating her emotionally by now- you would probably see if that stuff went on still)
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