strange behaviour

Hi Tracey

First of all you are not nutty. Its quite common for victims of DV to go back even after charges were taken against the abuser. He sounds like he is now playing games with you, making you the one that wants contact especially as the Police have been involved. Its another way of controlling you and messing your head up. The best way is no contact but only you can decide that. Maybe you can post more of what has been going on for you and the board can help more. Hope you are okay and can post more. Take care.

Hi Tracey

No way are you a freak. I think his not answering you is just another way to control you, to worry you so you will contact him. He could be enjoying this. From what you have said he sounds very dangerous and you should stay well aware from him. Hard as it is he is not your problem now. Your concern now should be staying safe, getting counselling and moving on with your life.

If he contacts you or comes to see you and things get out of control call the police immediately - you have to stay safe.

Abusers can promise you everything in the world, make you believe it, but it never happens and the abuse only gets worse.

Keep posting and stay safe xx

Hi, Tracey!

You have gotten some really good feedback and perspective from Diane. I agree with her that this man sounds very dangerous. One thing that abusive people do is find someone younger and more vulnerable to go after, because you will be easier to control. Him being 25 and you 15 is actually illegal for him to pursue, at least in the US - it is "statutory rape" because it's assumed that at 15 you are too vulnerable to be able to consent to sex with someone that much older. The fact that he got into a fight with your dad right off is also a sign that he's been abusive all along, before you ever knew him.

It is also very normal to feel longing to be with an abusive person once you are away. It is actually a condition that is well known, called "Traumatic bonding." It is sometimes also called the "Stockholm Syndrome," after a kidnapping in Stockholm, Sweeden, where the kidnapping victims ended up siding with their kidnappers after being there a long time. Unfortunately, an abusive relationship has a lot in common with a kidnapping!

The way it works is this: they are REALLY nice to begin with, make you feel awesome and special, do everything for you. You end up falling in love with this seemingly super nice person, and things seem just amazing. Then, one day, out of the blue, he does something unexpectedly mean. You are shocked and assume this was a bad day or he's under stress, and he apologizes later and promises it will never happen again, and is all sweet again. This happens over and over, but the abusive times get closer together, and the "nice" times are shorter and less frequent. But by this time, he's got you convinced that if you are just "good enough" or figure out the right thing to say and do, the "nice person" will come back and things will be as they should be. This alternating between "nice" and abusive is what causes the traumatic bond. Eventually, you become so desperate for the "good times" that you'll do almost anything, and the relief when he is "nice" is so powerful, you almost forget the bad stuff ever happened.

Meanwhile, he isolates you from anyone else you might get support from, by saying they're against him, or telling you that you should spend all your time with him. When you have finally had enough and dump him, you lose the abuse, but you also lose those "good times" that were so awesome. And since you have no other supports, you long for him to be that "special person" who can make you feel so good again.

It's kind of like an addiction. You will have to go through a tough period of "withdrawal" and pain before you can get your head clear of him again. It is not easy, but if you think of him like a drug, as much as you are dying to get that one "hit" of good feeling, you know that once you take the "hit," the withdrawal has to start all over. Which is one reason why eliminating any contact with him, including phone, text, e-mail, Facebook, face-to-face, letters, or even messages from third parties, is so essential. The less you see him, the faster you recover.

In fact, he's actually kept you "on the hook" all this time by undermining your other relationships. Even when you were not with him, he was still abusing you. And that charming person you first met - that person is largely an illusion, a tiny fragment of him that he lets people see when he first meets them, knowing all along that he is being deceptive to you.

It is hard to accept all that, but if you really think about it, his behavior makes a lot more sense if you think of it that way. If he really loved you, he would not act so crazy and threaten and blame you all the time. But if he wanted to confuse you and make you dependent on him, everything he does makes an evil kind of sense.

You might want to read "Why does he DO that?" by Lundy Bancroft. He does an amazing job of outlining just how an abusive person behaves and why, and how you can see through the deception and regain your sanity. I also encourage you to put "traumatic bonding" into your web browser and read about it. I am sure you'll see yourself and him reflected in what you read.

I hope that all makes sense. Please feel free to ask questions or make comments on how this all seems to you. It is very new and hard to understand, but I've been working with domestic abuse victims for decades, and I am very familiar with the patterns by now.

Hang in there and don't accept the blame for him being in jail. You did not put him there. He chose to commit crimes against you, and the State put him where people who commit crimes are supposed to go. I hope he gets a nice long sentence so you'll have some time to heal.

And remember: NO CONTACT is the fastest way to get your life back!

---- Steve

Tracey, I can only support 100% what Steve said. Hang in there, it is a learning experience to find out what traumatic bonding is and what an abuser is.

If you read "why does he do that" - the book Steve recommended- you will see they ALL do that. Once you take away their control by going no contact they will do anything they can to get it back. That includes insulting you, begging you to come back, sweet talk, threats...and they can change this even within minutes.

I suggest to keep yourself safe change your number. No contact means cold turkey- and to take away all ways he has to get his abuse across to you
It is not easy but like an addict once you get through the first days and weeks...you will find yourself less and less craving the feeling you think he gives you that seems positive sometimes.

Hang in there....he is not sad he lost you. He is sad he lost control over you. That is not love, it is abuse.
You know in your gut what is right and what is not. Listen to it.

Be kind to yourself and know whatever you are feeling- is ok. And a natural reaction to abuse and trauma

It is exhausting- and if you want to you can get legal help. What he does is stalking. And he blocks your business line as well in a way -
If it feels right, why dont you contact a local DV shelter or call a DV hotline or even the police to ask what your legal rights are here.

They can most likely put down something so that he cannot continue to stalk you. Usually all it takes is to show them the texts and that you asked one time
to not be contacted again.

You dont have to live like this.
There is a solution to this last string he is using to get to you. And we can find it together if youd like to.

Hi Tracey

I don't want this to sound harsh, but I really wouldn't go to the funeral with him. Its sad his friend has died but going along will just make the no contact harder for you as he will get you sucked in again and then the bonding feelings will start again until. He will become abusive again. I know how hard it is to keep to the no contact as I struggled and got sucked in a lot by my ex abuser and it just made it all the harder for me to walk away again, as he would suck me back into his sick mind games and became more abusive. I hope you make the right decision, more importantly for you so you can stay safe. You deserve a lot more than abuse. Take care.

Definitely no funeral - it's just a ploy to get you to see him. Is there a way to block his number on your phone? There are a lot of technological fixes that can help with this even if you don't change your number.

As to the police and not wanting to "make a scene," remember it is HE who is making the scene, not you. This is what the police are paid to do and the good ones never mind helping in this situation, because they know that stalking is associated with a lot of more serious crimes, and if they can stop someone in the harassment phase, they can circumvent worse things that may develop if the stalker gets away with it.

But ignoring is OK as well. If you think it would make him more likely to escalate if you contacted the police, then by all means, don't. In the end, "NO CONTACT" is the most powerful thing you can do. The one thing abusive people hate is to not get a reaction.

Well done for keeping strong! See about blocking his texts - I bet there's a way to keep anything originating from his number from even reaching you. If you don't know he called, you can't feel bad about it, eh?

---- Steve

Well, good for you! He does sound like a clever bastard. So if you have to be in the same place with him, the rule is to stay with someone big and strong and tough and don't say a word to him, not even, "I don't want to talk to you." (You can have your companion say that for him. If he persists, you let him know through your third party that you will be filing harassment charges if he doesn't leave you alone. Unless he's already got a no-contact order through the criminal court, in which case, you let him know you will have him arrested if he comest near you. You can still do no contact even if he's in the same place. It's harder, but you can do it. The main thing is that he doesn't get any kind of reaction out of you. Even a simple chat about the weather will seem to him like a small victory and encourage him to continue.

You ARE tough, we know that! But don't feel sorry for him. He doesn't deserve your compassion until he stops abusing you. You can do this!

----Steve