My abusive ex used to send me messages via my blog, some of them innocuous, some horrible. I have some saved on my laptop, and the urge to reread them is overwhelming. There are some on there I haven't even read, just tried to avoid reading whilst screen capping them as evidence. I know that the moment I look at them I'll feel terrible, and that I'll be right back where I started, but I feel like if I don't remind myself of how terrible it was at the time, I'll fool myself into thinking it wasn't that bad. Is this something anyone can relate to? I feel like a total fool right now (I am in CBT but its not specifically for abuse, just anxiety in general)
Ugh that sucks he found your blog. It might be a time to either take a break from your blog or probably delete it completely. You could start a new blog under another email/username so he cannot find the new blog....if keeping a blog is something you enjoy and want to continue to do.
It is tempting to have messages from an ex abuser I have to say. I think part of it is that we confuse our feelings that our body produces (high adrenaline, faster heartbeat, more stress hormones) as soon as something triggers memories-- with emotions and maybe sometimes "love" if that makes sense.
It helped me to read my Exe's messages after I had left but also AFTER I had therapy and read a bunch of books about abusers- one in particular helped me to see that my Ex was the typical abuser. The book is the classic "Why does he do that" by Bancroft.
Have you done any counseling since you left him? Maybe this could be a good time to think about involving some professional support to further heal and to continue to grow stronger.
Dont be hard on yourself...you just try to make sense of something very, very traumatic. That causes so much anxiety in itself. Ideally id say delete it all- dont even look at it. Cut out any options he has to get to you- email, phone, internet sites etc. and then see how that feels a few weeks later -- because no contact really helps to heal. If you need the messages as evidence in court to show he broke an order of protection you can also ask your advocate to keep them and hand them to a judge. Maybe that way you can preserve the evidence but get rid of feeling the weight of that every day.
In the end it is about taking all of their control over you away. While he is able to follow you on your blog you are not completely free of him just yet. You will get there, step by step.
My blogs gone, I got rid of it as soon as she contacted me (fun part of being in an abusive queer relationship- you have to come out about the abuse and the fact that your partner was the same gender). I am desperate to find a good therapist but its proving to be difficult. I'm not sure what to do with the messages right now other than keep them for records. Hopefully I can get over this urge to read them and try to move forward with my life. No contact sounds perfect, I just wish she would listen
Thank you for your sweet message, in the end it is about getting some of that control back from them. Getting books sounds like a good idea
In general I think most people do not consider domestic violence in same-sex relationships as something that happens just as much as in heterosexual couples-- which can really make it more difficult for a victim to come forward and talk about it and ask for help.
Just now it wasnt you and you have a right to live safe and feel safe-- and to be left alone when you ask for it. Abusers do not care about what you want because it means they lose control. So you have to empower yourself and get your control back by blocking them out completely- or they never stop and they also never change.
Lundy Bancroft has a special chapter on same-sex relationships in that book too - if I remember correctly.
Hang in there, fill your days with happy things and one day itll be a bad memory.
I was in a same-sex abusive relationship too. It's true that people don't take it as seriously sometimes, I remember a friend (an old, trusted friend) saying "but she's a girl" when I called looking to find a sofa to sleep on after being beaten up one night.
I know what you mean about being scared you'll forget how terrible times have been, I still worry about this almost four years later. I try to never let myself forget, and friends hate it that I can't seem to 'get over it' I guess - but it's not a case of getting over it - more like reminding myself everyday that it was terrible and I must never, never 'forget' and go back to her.
I didn't keep anything like messages or anything from her to remind me though, I used this memory instead; I remember her calling to say she was coming over and me getting this terrible heartache. It was like all the light had gone out of the day. She wasn't even angry with me or anything - just the thought of her coming over and me having to walk on eggshells all day was soul destroying.
Whenever I remember a 'good time' with my ex (few and far between) or think 'I love her' (Yes - almost 4 years later and that still happens sometimes)I remember that sinking feeling I got after her phone call that day.
I'm not saying mine is a healthy way of dealing with things - I'm just saying I understand. Sometimes that's all anyone wants...
Post by walkingthroughtreacl on Mar 14, 2014 8:58:46 GMT
My ex is no-contact by law. He has already been sentenced for harassment and knows that if he tries to contact me again he will be in serious trouble with the police. However, he has a Facebook page and there are times when I just have to go to his page and look at his photo. Just seeing him there fills me with absolute dread and I have no idea why I do it - it's almost like some sort of masochistic tendency. Maybe it's because abuse was so normal and frequent that it's as though it still has to creep into my life from time to time. But when I look at him it makes me feel so awful that maybe it's as though I'm punishing myself.
I think what you have to recognise is that abuse affects you to the very core and that getting out of it is just as hard as living with it, albeit it I a different way. I think if you know that and that your reaction to it is normal then it becomes easier to cope with.
Having said that, you also need to take back the control in your life and it's good to know that you have taken steps by deleting your blog. Baby steps and one day at a time.