|
Post by Patty on Jun 8, 2015 18:53:05 GMT
Hello, I hope I can find some help and advice here. I have searched the net endlessly to find information/advice on victims who remained silent and now want to expose the abuse.
I was married to my abusive, destructive, narcissist for 20 years. Divorced now for 10 years and still struggling very hard. Lately I have been consumed by my past and it is really effecting me. I knew that we were abused mentally, verbally, emotionally but I just could not find the courage to leave so we coped the best we could. What I didn't know at the time was that he was physical behind my back to my son. My son now tells me about how he would get choked and back handed. One time he was around 14yrs old and his father caught him using his tools to fix his bicycle and this 6'3, 250 pound man picked up his son by the neck against the garage wall until he blacked out. This son I speak of has already attempted suicide once with a self inflicted gun shot to the face. My children and I were treated like disobedient dogs and inconveniences that he had to spend "his" money on.
Anyway, I almost feel that the reason I can not move on lately is because his family, many of my old friends, and even a couple of my first cousins of mine are still buddies with him. I guess I feel like I/we are still being victimized as we continue to suffer the consequence of the abuse but yet the abuser just skates by scott free.
We hid it very well. Minimized it, made excuses for it etc. I have never told any of them just how bad we were abused.
Has anyone ever exposed their abuser? Did it help? What happened?
I worry about my children's privacy and what repercussions might they have If I send a letter exposing him and the child abuse my children suffered. I would really appreciate any advise or comments.
Thank you so much.
Patty
|
|
|
Post by Claire+3 on Jun 8, 2015 19:43:26 GMT
Hey Patty, I exposed my daughter's father, I'm not sure if it helped. I told once I'd worked with dv charity. I'm glad I did,people were kind or distanced themselves. I found out who really cared. The rejections hurt, the acceptance made me feel less mad. This was 8 years ago. He's dead now and his family have just started seeing our daughter.. they said we heard you were abused was that before or after A? Some people just won't hear but for me breaking the silence kept me sane (just? ).. just my experience tc x
|
|
|
Post by Patty on Jun 8, 2015 21:05:27 GMT
Thanks Claire. I am really perplexed by it and am letting it consume me lately. I am mostly afraid of what he might do or say to my children. Neither one of them are in the acceptance phase yet (when you really acknowledge the extent of the abuse) and in my opinion, still allow him to be a $#*@+... They talk about it and acknowledge he was abusive, but still enabling, in a way. I just really want to make sure I am not unnecessarily hurting anyone else. I think I need to do it for myself and don't care if people blame me or don't believe me. Just want to make sure no one else is injured by my actions.
|
|
|
Post by Claire+3 on Jun 8, 2015 21:17:36 GMT
Hey patty,
Can you ask your children? Could you do this without talking about their experiences? My older d wanted to scream it from the rooftops but my step daughters to this day cannot and do not wish to talk.. it's a tough one.. hopefully someone else can add in here? I know from years on and off here there are many wise folk x
|
|
|
Post by xmas13 on Jun 8, 2015 22:07:14 GMT
Hi Patty,
I left my abuser 6 weeks ago and like you I trolled the web trying to see how I could expose him. I had already been to the police on a previous split and registered a complaint for domestic and emotional abuse. I also have a track on my phone number with the police. As I said both I have had for sometime but I never told him. When we parted I called his daughter and left it to go to and left it to go to ans phone, which then recorded everything we both had said, granted I was screeming like a crazy woman but she heard him admit his lies which he had told me and her. She later sent me a text saying I have a choice why would I want to take my son into such an abusive situation, she was given him as a dad she does not have a choice , how could he hurt his family like this and we are his daughters. There is a lot more they do not know and like you everyday I think will I email her everything and why her sister lost her job by his hands. I tell everyone I know what he is like but I am trying to heal and it's so hard trying to work out what is best, but I believe all will come to light when it is meant to come to light. He abused his wife who eventually died he abused his partner before me and me so I reckon it's only a matter of time till he really picks the crazy woman !!! It's they say revenge is best served cold !!!! I am so sorry for all you have experienced it must be so so debilitating at the time and now, my heart goes out to your kids. Stay on here everyone is so so supportive I truly don't know how I could have come through what I have without the support. Be safe and know we are all here for you. Aly xx
|
|
|
Post by thistle on Jun 8, 2015 22:44:56 GMT
I was so tempted during my marriage. There were times when I was so miserable I would have loved to have had some understanding or validation from his family or even advice on how to handle him. However, I decided there was no point in upsetting them. They lived a long way from us (as did my family) and they were a bit peculiar anyway. I never felt close to them though I do understand now that their strangeness might be me still seeing them through his eyes. I don't know if it would have done any good. They either knew about his selfishness and didn't see how truly bad it was or they were oblivious and thought the sun shone out of him. He left home at 18 and they had only ever seen him for short burst of time after that.
For the same reasons, I didn't tell my family either. My mother tends to be self-absorbed anyway - truly, she is not that different from my ex husband. If it was someone outside the family she would have plenty of sympathy but not so much her own children. I have tried to tell her on a few occasions but she does not seem interested and the conversation goes nowhere. Once again, she only saw him when he was relaxed and on his best behaviour and I think she suspects me of exaggerating or worse, being weak for tolerating his abuse for so long.
My friends know. He had no friends anyway but I would not bother to tell any if he did. They would be welcome to him.
My children have no time for him and that is all I want. Not that I want revenge on him (well I do a bit) but mainly I am relieved that they remember his nastiness and will not allow him to manipulate them now that they are adults.
|
|
karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
|
Post by karen on Jun 8, 2015 23:01:00 GMT
HI Patty...I am so sorry you are still struggling with your ex's abuse and the affects of it! It is so not fair..we can never seem to get far enough away from it.
Exposing someone is very difficult from my perspective..only because they are so good at presenting themselves to others as "upstanding citizens" and many times the public seem to believe them and not the woman or the children. My first thought is maybe call a Domestic Violence hotline...they may have some advice or suggestions on what to do. My other thought would be call the police and begin the process of charging him with child abuse..the statute of limitations varies depending on where you live..but it may be worth it to seek some justice. There is legal counsel and they may be able to give you some guidance on any options you have.
My next thought is..tell everyone. Without hurting your children. One thing I did is tell my story. It was very healing to me and it helped me to process it and begin to really face it. I also felt a very strong need to educate people on domestic violence. I was surprised at how many people had many pre-conceived ideas about what it was and why they think women stay. Educating people really helped me to feel like I was doing something. Making a difference, finding something positive out of something horrible, that was really important to me. I also explained to people what he was like and some of his family didn't want to hear it..they didn't really believe me..but just because they didn't believe me didn't mean that it didn't happen. By sharing it..they began to see some of the subtle things I was seeing..and when push came to shove, he showed his true colors to them. I have 2 daughters with my almost ex-husband. I was careful about who I talked to and what I said..but the more I talked about it, the more my girls started to see what he is capable of and they have begun to share somethings too. They are not completely accepting..but they realize
My only other thought is distance yourself from him as much as possible. I know "no contact" is hard, almost impossible at times if you share children together.
I also reached out to my ex-boyfriend's wife (he cheated on her with me..he lied to me about their marriage)..she and I are friends now on social media and she has been a great support to me in helping me heal. I reached out to her to apologize to her. He abused her for most of their marriage. It was so nice to have someone else validate my story. I also got a hold of his new girlfriends e-mail and I did warn her..initially she saw all of the crap he did to me and his wife..she even left him and dumped him. Last weekend she married him. I reached out to her again..he responded in an abusive manner(no surprise there..that is how I knew it was him by his nastiness)..then I reached out again and she was nasty back..she has been abused before..but this time she thinks she can beat him at his own game. I and his ex-wife think she is NUTS. I warned her several times..she is choosing to ignore it. Oh well..I left the door open..if she needs a friend. BUT...I tried. That effort was HUGE for me. I came to the conclusion..that I can't change how others view him..I can only change myself and that opened me up to a freedom that I haven't felt in a long time.
I wish you well...those are what worked for me. I was married to an abusive man for 20 years..we just sold our house today and our divorce will be final in a few weeks. I then had the boyfriend who made my husband look like a saint. I am now 9 months out from being with the boyfriend...I have met a new man who is not abusive, he is sweet, nice, kind, and I am happy. Keep breathing...you will find what will work for you..there is even healing in the act of searching for the answer! Take care...thinking of you and wishing you well.
|
|
|
Post by alisay on Jun 8, 2015 23:50:48 GMT
Hi Patty,
I think that the best way would be to find a legal way to denounce the abuse that you and your children suffered. It is clear that your son at least needs to be able to deal with this, because it seem like carrying the secret is damaging him further.
Do not expect happy endings, where the evil one gets his comeuppance. He will deny, and strike back, but there is no need to be gentle with him. Remember that he abused you and your children, so it is time to be abused in turn, if this is what your son needs. I would do it for him.
|
|
|
Post by Patty on Jun 9, 2015 15:13:06 GMT
Amazing place. Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. I am truly grateful and will be becoming a member here. Maybe I can help others as well.
|
|
|
Post by Abused+4 on Nov 25, 2017 17:49:33 GMT
Hello, I hope I can find some help and advice here. I have searched the net endlessly to find information/advice on victims who remained silent and now want to expose the abuse. I was married to my abusive, destructive, narcissist for 20 years. Divorced now for 10 years and still struggling very hard. Lately I have been consumed by my past and it is really effecting me. I knew that we were abused mentally, verbally, emotionally but I just could not find the courage to leave so we coped the best we could. What I didn't know at the time was that he was physical behind my back to my son. My son now tells me about how he would get choked and back handed. One time he was around 14yrs old and his father caught him using his tools to fix his bicycle and this 6'3, 250 pound man picked up his son by the neck against the garage wall until he blacked out. This son I speak of has already attempted suicide once with a self inflicted gun shot to the face. My children and I were treated like disobedient dogs and inconveniences that he had to spend "his" money on. Anyway, I almost feel that the reason I can not move on lately is because his family, many of my old friends, and even a couple of my first cousins of mine are still buddies with him. I guess I feel like I/we are still being victimized as we continue to suffer the consequence of the abuse but yet the abuser just skates by scott free. We hid it very well. Minimized it, made excuses for it etc. I have never told any of them just how bad we were abused. Has anyone ever exposed their abuser? Did it help? What happened? I worry about my children's privacy and what repercussions might they have If I send a letter exposing him and the child abuse my children suffered. I would really appreciate any advise or comments. Thank you so much. Patty
|
|
|
Post by jeannie812 on Dec 20, 2017 7:12:37 GMT
I would love to gladly send a letter to warn the other. But, it does no good. Even if their situation is similar to your problem with him, or even exactly like your problem with him. They don't listen. They act like they are the REAL woman who WON your man. She already knows how you are worthless and no good, and she knows this cause he told her so. Even though he lied to her about everything else, she believes he told her the truth about you. She wants to be the better woman.
If you send the letter, you actually give them a gift. Their gift is now you are the target. Your letter takes the focus off their problems, and you become their problem. Cause she is still trying to gain his approval, and betraying you is her small sacrifice to gain his approval.
I know cause I made that mistake. Once I made the mistake, I realized I just gave him a gift. Because she responded with LOL !!! And, she said everything I said is a pack of lies.
|
|