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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 8, 2014 22:44:28 GMT
He definitely wanted to squeeze information out of her. About her statement to the police, about you etc... of course he had NO interest in her new job or life otherwise. Good on her for blocking him and telling you about what he wrote her. Abusers are so manipulative and they take advantage of anyone with a good heart.
I also believe your gut feeling was right on. The belly always tells the truth! He only mentioned that he would not see her for a few years to get to YOU. And to make himself look like the poor victim whose life is ohh sooo hard. It is difficult to understand HOW they can go to such length as to contact a WITNESS to a crime they committed and pretend to be all innocent and just "checking in to say hey" -- it is that narcissistic part of them that makes them believe they are invincible and can get away with anything.
Ignore whatever he says or does. He WANTS you to react and get to you. Even if it is indirectly through your mutual friends. Tell anyone whom he does drag into this to leave you alone with this topics (long term- of course right now it's still hard) because otherwise his abuse never ends. The one big way to "beat him in his game" is to not care, to not react, to live your own life happy and good.
Also your friend can forward his message to the police as evidence. After all he is wanted to be incarcerated. But that is up to your friend. Maybe she is happy this is all over soon too because she must have been afraid of him as well that night.
Stay strong, he cannot take anything from you anymore. He is a poor little worm, scared of the police. He is not sorry for what he has done. He is only sorry for himself for being caught (which in his world is not even justified)
It's amazing how fast we can see through each of their strikes once we understand what domestic violence is about, isnt it?? Good on you and keep analyzing the things that happen with the smart and quick mind of yours. You caught him in the act this time yet again.
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Post by maddy on Jan 8, 2014 22:56:36 GMT
I'm hating him soooo much right now I swear !! He does it every single time goes straight to my friends and because of him I don't hardly have any friends any more well found out who the true ones are because normally they fall for his wicked discusting tricks and believe he really does care and start telling him alsorts!! He slept with my best friend I hate her now for betraying me and making me look like a fool with him... My own cousin who was my best friend (you can always trust your family can't you ?! NO!!) she fell for his tricks before and caused us to fall out and now we don't bother with each other she was telling him everything I told her and rumours of them two sleeping together .... Another girl I was hanging out with we grew quiet close he got into her texting her and stuff and she fell for it and I ended up fighting with her in couldn't take no more !! And now he's moved on to this friend she's blocked him now but what if he's messing with her too ? I really really couldn't take it and what if she decides she doesn't want to come to court ... I'm sick to death of been surrounded by slinks I can't have no friends with out him gettin involved everytime and they are always THiCK to believe him! I hope an pray she hasn't been speaking with him I dnt know what I would do if she has .. It would seriously break me Thank you
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 9, 2014 14:00:35 GMT
Those are all very normal feelings you describe Maddy. My Ex was manipulating people to the left and right of me. Most did believe me as he had an Ex in my small town before me whom he abused- so some people were already questioning his stories...but still some believed him or....knew what he did but STILL would have beers with him at a bar the day after he got out of jail etc....
It is frustrating and it did make me hate him a lot too. There will be a day when you let go of that because deep down he WANTS you to be angry. Any reaction from you is a reward for him. Of course he doesnt know you are angry and the less you show you care at ALL about him towards people you both know, the more you can really get "back at him" -- because even if he sleeps around and acts like a jerk.... he STILL wants control over you back. He has proven that enough.
So...we do not give him that. It is so hurtful and disappointing to see others do not take your side- but then we also dont need them in our lives. Anyone who doesnt takr a young mother's side whose life and that of her baby were in danger has an issue if you are asking me. Either they might be afraid of him, are abusers themselves (and sadly there are many men out there who take the side of an abuser because they dont see much wrong with his actions) or simply do not care. None of that is desirable as a close friend when you try to heal and NEED all the love and support and loyalty in the world.
One thing though I do see in his pattern of behavior is that....HE is still abusing THEM too. So dont fight with them- he wants that jealousy drama he created. These girls (as much as it hurts to think they fell for him) are also victims in their own way. Yes, on top of that they also arent good friends or family members if they sleep with your partner or ex partner as one really expects more backup in friends....but it is what it is. HE made all that happen in the first place.
So really your anger and hatred can be directed towards him and him alone. As soon as you get angry at another woman ...YOU suffer again. One way or the other- it eats you up. And we have all been there. I actually spent one evening spying around my old house right after I left my Ex to see if he had a woman there- because there was rumor in town he had started seeing someone right after I ran away. I had this huge epiphany when I was standing in the middle of the night looking into the window- where he was playing computer games with some 9male) friend. I stood there a few minutes.
I was scared yet in a way it healed me to be at my old home I had run away from and knowing THIS time around he had NO clue I was there. Maybe I needed that- i dont know. Maybe I was just traumatized and that stuff makes you really go "crazy" in a very natural way. Hard to explain to outsiders who dont know what panic attacks and everything caused by domestic violence does with your head. I ended up going to my friends house a few minutes later and that was the end of that story. Some people from that small town told me later he dated non stop someone and one girl actually left him early on when she saw the first signs of abuse in him. He actually followed her to her home country against her will and there she had to go into hiding for a bit.
I think what I would like to say is- it is NORMAL to feel this jealous and angry....you have every right to feel these things. On the long run they hurt you though more than anyone else and it might help to think that you are now alone with your child and family. He does not play a role in your life anymore. Yes he might have made the baby with you but you clearly raised your daughter and she does not need a father who puts her into danger even before she was born.
Stay strong, be kind to yourself. Leave Facebook alone for a few months if needed to give yourself peace and healing...you did fear for your life not too long ago and you have been hurt a lot by him. It is time this stops and you reclaim your own life and treasures.
One thing that can help you refocus could also be to look into any job options you might dream about- even if it sounds difficult right now but maybe there is a program or just one class at a local community college you could take in the evening once or twice a week. I felt that by starting my Masters degree right away that studying and meeting new and smart and interesting people from outside my normal group of friends (none of whom knew my ex had been abusive so i could create myself new in a way) was like occupational therapy. it took my mind off. i got to heal whilst doing something i always dreamed about.
take it day by day, hour by hour if needed. if anything, other women deserve your pity and no-contact if they fall for him. they might be the next ones to be pushed down stairs, broken into their homes and abused.
oxoxo lots of energy your way stay strong and smile and shine!!!
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Post by maddy on Jan 9, 2014 20:12:39 GMT
Thank you ,,, your words always make me feel better. I've spoken to the police today and he still hasn't handed himself in they have been going to his house 3 times a day and still no further forward the police man has spoken to his mam and she said he will hand himself in but still nothing .. Wouldn't suprise me if he is still partying .. I got my forms today for my home and got those filled out so I'm going to post them tomorrow. I went to the beauticians today and got my nails done nice little treat and they look really pretty I've had a good day today just hope each day gets better and hopefully I won't have no feeling at all I know that will take time though. I hope my books come tomorrow I can't wait to get stuck into those.
Thank you Janine xxx
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 9, 2014 20:42:32 GMT
You are always very very welcome here!!!
And youll eat those books up. Both are very good to read, with shorter chapters and if you browse the index you will find the stuff you are wondering about right now....it really does help to read them.
The nails session sounds wonderful!! Look at you taking great care of yourself and your daughter and moving slowly forward. Time needs some time....the healing for each of us is different but in the end we all move slowly towards not caring at all about the Ex. When i was waiting in court for the trial to start another woman was in the DV waiting room with me. She talked to me a for a little bit and told me she was no longer scared of her Ex. Her father and her had come to change something in a restraining order against the Ex. I wanted to be like her that day- to not be scared, to not CARE about him anymore. And it took time but I did get there.
You will too!!!!
You will be ok and you deserve so so much more than this loser. There are GOOD men out there. Once you are healed and maybe ready to check out the dating world again- youll never look back.
Take your time for yourself now.
xooxx lots of energy your way and how good is it that he is too much of a weak worm to hand himself in for the proper punishment he deserves. That is not a man. It is a worm, nothing else.
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Post by maddy on Jan 9, 2014 21:02:27 GMT
Latest update...I've just had a phone call of the police he's handed himself in with bags because he knows he's going to prison .. Now to wait for the next steps and find out when court is .. I'm Absulutly dreading it. I don't care one bit that he's in those cells right now it's exactly where he deserves to be the low life scum bag he's that's much of a scum bag he actually likes jail. Xxx
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 10, 2014 1:02:16 GMT
puhh..sigh of relief. now you dont need to fear a drunken escapade of his and can roam free.... take it step by step from here. he is not a good person to have in your life and now the police is making sure he cannot cause harm to you or others. live your life well and happy, that is the sweetest revenge you can have -- while at the same time having a lot of fun
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steve
Member
Admin
Posts: 266
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Post by steve on Jan 10, 2014 4:48:55 GMT
I am glad you can feel OK about him being locked up. It isn't something you did, it's something he did by committing crimes against you. And yes, it's exactly where he belongs. You have been very courageous. I hope he gets to stay there a nice LONG time!
---- Steve
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Post by maddy on Jan 10, 2014 15:59:21 GMT
It's just court I have to worry about now because I know he will lie and say I let him in the house to get off with one of the charges but I never let him in. I've had a nice ish day today each day gets better but it's all good when he's in there just don't want him to come out and me want him again Thank you xxx
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 11, 2014 3:45:05 GMT
With his history I bet the court knows he wont be very honest. Just prepare yourself- think about YOU and it will be over before you know it.
As for wanting him back when he gets out- right now that is not something you can even plan. Who knows how long he will be in there this time. And should that time come closer I can recommend highly that you seek counseling at a local DV shelter or a regular therapist. It can be an intense time when they do get out and maybe by then you have convinced yourself that it really all wasnt that bad, after all he is the father of your child etc etc...all those nice lies we tell ourselves because we WANT them to be normal and loving and we WANT things to be ok so badly.
But deep down you know it will never be this way. Whenever you let him walk back into your life, you welcome back abuse with arms wide open. Your daughter and you will never be safe around him. If not for you, then think about her. A child can easily become endangered in the middle of a domestic violence episode. And you do not want to gamble her health. Plus I bet by then you will have learned again to love YOURSELF enough to stay away. Therapy can help us understand we we are traumatized and still want to be back with a dangerous person.
Read up on "traumatic bonding" and "stockholme syndrome" it explains to you WHY you feel the way you do. Even when you know in your head he is not good for you. You can help yourself and you can stay away from him for good.
Believe in yourself. Get rid of this sick energy he puts into your life and focus on people who make you feel good, safe and loved.
oxox we are always here and understand
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Post by maddy on Jan 12, 2014 13:14:11 GMT
Last night I was going for a night out with my friend when I got a phone call of another friend sayin that he's been let out on bail !! The police didn't even tell me or I wouldn't have left the house. I rang the police and asked what had happened they told me he has been bailed and he's said he didn't hit me he stopped me from hitting him!! He's told the police that I hit him!! I can't believe it. Anyways his mam text me earlier saying can they see my daughter for a couple of hours .. He also has his other daughter today overnight (his other daughter is 10 she isn't mine) I asked my mam what I should do ... She said I can't keep making excuses up and I decided to let her go 1pm until 3pm his mam picked her up and will drop her off at 3pm. When his mam came fort daughter she was with her other grandchild and my daughter looked happy to see them, they where cuddling and kissing her saying they had missed her. I didn't not see him, he wasn't there. Do you think I've done the right thing ?.... He answers bail on 21st January which he will probably get re bailed ... I can't believe they are letting him out after he's just been on the run! Apartwnly he's going to plead guilty on 21st but if he's lieing about me hitting him I don't know what will happen.
I just can't believe it Thank you xx
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Post by HH Lindsey on Jan 12, 2014 13:38:34 GMT
The police should have let you know that he had been bailed. Have they kept you updated on what you can do to protect yourself, eg get a non-molestation order or similar? I would suggest you need proper legal advice. As a first step, contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence on 0844 8044 999 (assuming you are in the UK). They have a 24 hour helpline, to find out how you can legally protect yourself and discuss possible court scenarios. Sounds like he is going to try to claim self-defense. How well can you rely on the friend who witnessed everything not to be manipulated by him? I would also want to speak to someone regarding contact and what contact you should be allowing at the moment. My fear is that if he sees your daughter prior to the court hearing that he could use that to 'prove' that you are not really worried about her safety around him, or you would not have permitted contact. Since you have agreed contact theoretically only with the grandmother, that should be easy enough to argue, but it is likely to be brought up. I really think legal advice needs to be sought, least of all because the police are not keeping you updated as they should be.
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Post by maddy on Jan 12, 2014 18:35:42 GMT
I think she will go to court but I'm not 100% if he claims self defence how can he get out of what he done to my house smashing the place up ... So you think I should ring a solicitor and see what they advise me to do. His mam is asking me if she can also see the baby again tomorrow I don't know what to do now I really don't. I know it's going to go against me at court isn't it ? Surely with his previous record for violence and domestic violence the judge could see through that? I don't know it all seems abit strange and as though he's going to get of with it
Thank you xx
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Post by HH Lindsey on Jan 12, 2014 20:15:53 GMT
First of all, ring the domestic violence line mentioned about to find out what their take is. They can give out proper legal advice and help with getting injunctions etc. You could also call the police back and find out what the terms of his bail is - usually giving bail also includes the abuser making some undertakings to ensure your safety and that of your family, especially children. Secondly, there should be the possibility of speaking to a lawyer or solicitor about the possible charges and the implications of his stating it was self-defense. You should still be entitled to 30 mins of free advice from a solicitor or barrister, and your local Womens' Aid would usually keep a list of who is good and whom to avoid, ie who is experienced in DV cases, so ask them to recommend names locally. As for agreeing any more contact, I would put that off until you have sought legal clarification, in case it could be counted against you.
A further thought, could your friend who witnessed it all be asked to write down a statement which she would be happy to send in to the police, or as she done so already?
Keep at it, you are doing very well.
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Post by ChrisB on Jan 13, 2014 11:14:24 GMT
I think she will go to court but I'm not 100% if he claims self defence how can he get out of what he done to my house smashing the place up ... So you think I should ring a solicitor and see what they advise me to do. His mam is asking me if she can also see the baby again tomorrow I don't know what to do now I really don't.Grandparents still don't have any rights to contact with grandchildren in the UK. All the rights are with the child, not the adults (including you - your child has a right to contact with adults, parents and other relatives, not the other way round - you are the guardian of that right). you don't need excuses, as things stand, you are well within your rights to refuse all contact with your abuser's parents, or anyone else related to him, in the short term, i.e. until contact has been demonstrated/proven to be safe and in your child's best interests. It does sound very much as though, even if you didn't see your ex during that handover, that his mother is acting as a proxy for him, and as such you are indeed undermining any case you have to limit his contact on safety grounds in the future. His mother would stand only a small chance in court if she demanded contact as there is no automatic right. It is judged on a case by case basis, and the safety of the child is a very important factor. That may change in the future however, as there have been legal moves to change the law in respect to grandparents rights in the UK. That said, things cannot go on as they are now in the long term. You cannot keep your child away from everyone connected with him for ever. You may not be able to keep him away from your child for ever either, come to that, and eventually you will almost certainly have to come to some sort of arrangement. Yes, I advise getting in touch with a solicitor, both to sort out the immediate issues and to know where you stand in the longer term.
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Post by HH Lindsey on Jan 13, 2014 23:35:02 GMT
It does sound as though you have some form of PTSD which should be checked over by the doctor, to help you cope initially.. Am glad you have got legal advice and just make sure someone can come with you to the hearing, eg a Mackenzie's friend..
Don't rush yourself trying to heal, it does take time. I used to book me in 'pity parties' when the children were away in a safe place, and just cry and cry and cry for ages. That helped me.
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 14, 2014 18:04:32 GMT
Hey Maddy, I agree with Lindsey- maybe it's time to see a doctor or therapist to help you deal with the PTSD. Your system is on hyper alert. We all have been there one way or the other...it is VERY normal to experience everything you described. The panic and anxiety, wishing to be back with the abuser to make that pain and void go away, the confusion. I thought back then when I had left I was going insane. It also didnt help that my mother is abusive and when I hoped to find a safe shelter at her house, she was almost worse than my Ex ...and I thought: Oh well my life then isnt supposed to be happy and normal. I should stick with the less intense abuse and just go back to my Ex then if I have nowhere to go and no hope...
Just know for now you will experience a lot more pain and danger and even more trauma if you do go back into contact with him. You KNOW that deep down already. Your body is trying to make sense of what has happened and it might need help to balance back to normal....
The books you got are such such keepers....they will help you in moments of loneliness and despair and especially when you feel as if you just want to go back to him. It is like an addiction- your brain is seeking relief and one way to do that is give you back the cycle of abuse. It wants things to be ok and we become professionals at denying reality and the truth- which is you risk your life and the safety of your child by having him close in your life.
Like Lindsey said it does take sooo much time....I felt at times as if I was going insane and maybe did cause the abuse in the end because i felt so damn crazy with my mood swings and thoughts and contradicting feelings.
It is a trauma speaking in your head, not you. Give yourself a big hug, a good, long sleep and maybe if you can afford it- a weekend away from your town. It might also be an option to look into leaving your small town place long term- find something close enough to have the support from you family and old friends but also get a fresh start. But only if that feels right.
Listen to yourself, you and only you know right now what helps you heal. It's a very different process for every one of abuse survivors.
oxoxox
hang in there strong girl, you have actively already protected yourself and your child so much- way to go!!!!
No woman should be hurt when she is pregnant or has a young child or even if she has none of the above. violence is never ok- full stop. you deserve better and you will heal and be ok!!!
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Post by jeannie812 on Feb 6, 2014 4:40:11 GMT
It sounds a lot like my ex-husband. He never took responsibility for his actions. And he is now in his mid 50's and he still is childish. He posted tonight on facebook that his truck is fixed. And, now he can feel like a man again.
His manhood depends on him driving his truck? He has a newer Dodge Ram. I got a crappy 1996 Toyota Corolla, bought it for $500.00, and I don't feel lesser of a woman. I'm proud to say I live within my means.
He always did depend his happiness or his manhood on something outside of himself. He always said we would be happy if we had money. He was brutal towards me. He said we would be happy if I'd only stop doing this and that. He depended the happiness on me 'correcting' myself. I wasn't doing the stuff he was accusing me of! He said I spent all the money. I had no say so over the money, he controlled it. He took my paycheck and controlled that too.
It was living with crazy and trying to make sense of crazy, and believing crazy is normal. It was making me crazy!
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