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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 6, 2014 0:20:16 GMT
Great breathing techniques!
It could be that you are experiencing a panic attack right now. See if leaving a light on might help....breathe in slow and deep...even if just for a few breaths. Lots of water....you have been under a lot of stress and your body is trying to handle it all. After all you did fear for your life when he broke into your apartment.
Can you call the police tomorrow to get confirmation he is in jail? I would like to have that officially confirmed so that you can at least consciously feel safe...we will work on getting your soul and heart to relax after that.
You are in a safe home with lots of adults around you. Nothing will happen to you tonight. Leave your phone turned off and get a new number so he cannot contact you from jail.
we are here...you are not alone.
It will be ok!!! Big hug your way
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Post by maddy on Jan 6, 2014 10:18:17 GMT
I eventually dropped of to sleep tried to think of nice things and looking at my little girl before I slept- I didn't have a nightmare it's not oftern that I dream in general really well ones that I remember.
I have phoned the police this morning and still no futher forward, the officer dealing with my situation isn't in until tomorrow I explained that I'm scared even scared to go out with out my mam, the officer said they will try and get somebody to ring me. I've just recieved a phone call of the police man he hasn't handed himself in and they still haven't found him. They are going to search a few more addresses today and they will be in touch.
Can't believe he hasn't handed himself in I really believed that he would but he was obviously just saying that to make me believe it would be the last time he would see Our daughter so he could see her. I'm panicking again now just want it all to be over with
Thank you for your replys means so much to me xx
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Post by walkingthroughtreacl on Jan 6, 2014 14:15:25 GMT
I think you need to check with the police again if you haven't heard from them again because he needs to be found, and quickly. And yes, he will tell you what he wants in order to manipulate you.
The police found my husband after he was driving around trying to find me. They usually take domestic violence very seriously.
A difficult day for you being on your own, but remember that we are here with you.
xx
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Post by maddy on Jan 6, 2014 14:53:28 GMT
I've been on the phone to the police they have tried to a attempted arrest but where unsuccessful as he wasn't there ... X
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 6, 2014 14:58:23 GMT
Stay inside and safe and maybe even go to secret women shelter until he is arrested. At least you seem to not be alone at your mom's house- but id be very careful until he is arrested. Listen to your gut, it has helped you to survive until now and it will continue to do so.
Let us know when he has been arrested- then we can focus completely on YOUR wellbeing and that of your daughter without having any danger lurking outside.
oxoxoxo lots of energy your way
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Post by maddy on Jan 6, 2014 19:41:48 GMT
I was abit bored earlier and I logged onto my facebook .. I noticed he's been "liking" a photo of a girl we both know and he had commented on her status about "wishing he had never met somebody and wishing they could delete them of the face of the earth" he commented on the status saying snap LOL ... I posted some photos of my baby on facebook .. He commented "I miss my baby" I ignored it but replied to comment underneath which caused him to block me ! I was buzzing because I couldn't bring myself to block him so he's done me a favour!! Earlier on I was in the centre needed to get a few bits I went with my friend and my daughter and somebody seen me and told them they had seen Chrissy walking through there eating a pasty.. I felt sick and needed to get home so I walked straight home with my friend and my daughter ... I can't believe he is walking around as though nothing has happened and through public places like the town centre!!! Feeling abit stronger today though ...I've deactivated my facebook again now but felt good when I went back on for the day and showed my face so show I'm not a scared dweeb.... I also had ago on the sunbed just to make me feel abit better about my self. Hopefully I will get my transfer forms tomorrow to fill in and send off Xx
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 6, 2014 20:03:24 GMT
Good on you for taking care of yourself!! The sunbath is always a good boost to feel better We all lack Vitamin D in Winter and feeling pale doesnt help either, does it. I completely understand why you interacted with yout Ex on Facebook- even if it was indirectly. It is very hard to go no contact from 0%-100% in such short time. However, I can only stress that by taking him off your Facebook, changing your phone number and email and cutting all ties he might have via mutual friends on Facebook is essential to your healing. I even understand that jealousy and the "wanting to play spy and finding out as much as you can about him and his whereabouts right now" --- believe me I have done the exact same. if the urge is there, it's difficult to hold back. be kind and patient with yourself, things do not change overnight, but they do change with every minute you do not interact with him, directly or indirectly. If Facebook is important to you, then there is no need to cancel your account. If he blocked you then he is automatically not your friend anymore, should he unblock you. Knowing abusers, he WILL most likely unblock you as soon as he sees you do not play in his game anymore. That would be when YOU block him for good and keep all your photos and updates very private. Id also go through the list and delete anyone who is in contact with him - you do not need more enemies on the front line, so to speak....I got rid of a lot of people on my Facebook and in the end I didnt even feel like explaining WHY anymore. Some told me " Oh we thought things were ok between you two again" because he had lied or because they simply did not care or did not want to see what was going on. Or couldnt. Either way.....it is NOT your job to be his caretaker and the only two people who suffer from letting him slip into your life like that again are you and your daughter. Our children feel the stress we are under even if we think they are too little to notice. If you cannot hold back and find yourself looking online for traces of him, think of her. One day you WILL love and respect yourself so much that you dont even care anymore who he is and what he is up to. You will look back wondering what you ever saw in him. And you will know he abuses any woman who lets him into her life....regardless of her looks, age, job, history.....HE is the abuser. Iam so proud of you for talking about that all so open and with such a good analytical view on the situation. You see through his games so much now, the beast (him) cannot crawl back onto the house unnoticed. Keep on taking care of yourself. Your body and mind - your daughter. I would also report to the police that you have heard from someone that he has been walking around the city center. He is not a loving father and husband- he is an ex convict - soon to be in jail again for serious violent crimes. In the end I wish i had not "gambled" with my safety a few years back by letting my Ex talk me into contact via Facebook, phone and even in person after I got him to go to court. They are good at manipulating and it never ends until YOU cut all contact for good. It is dangerous on top of being an endless cat/mouse game too that robs you off your precious lifetime. I think for me part of it was that "revenge" feeling or wanting justice. When really we only get justice once we let go of them and move on. Thats the best beat to the face you can deliver to an abuser who thrives on control and manipulation. Living a good life is the answer to anyone trying to bring you down. Keep on posting and keep on living your life with a smile!!! oxoxo
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Post by maddy on Jan 6, 2014 20:36:54 GMT
I'm going to start looking after myself a little bit more to make me feel nice again - there was a time when I wouldn't leave the house without abit of make up and my hair done .. All of that has gone out of the window lately and I don't really bother with my self but time to change that around now I think. I did feel abit jelous when I seen him liking another girls picture and i really did want to know what he had been up to she is kind of pretty aswel that girl. But then I thought to myself "hidden hurt he will never live the fairytail lifestyle.. But I possible could once he's gone for good" The thing with this town I live it's tiny and everybody knows everybody and also everyone's business Ide say he knows 85/90% of the contacts on my facebook hence why I deleted it again and I'm trying to keep my circle real tight. Thank you for your reply.... Your the reason I'm getting stronger and stronger .. If I ever saw u in person I would give u a big hug and a massive bunch of flowers that still wouldn't be enough to thank you but never mind .. You've saved me Xx
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 6, 2014 21:25:31 GMT
You are welcome and we all are very happy to see you post here! And....the person who makes you stronger and is saving you...is....YOU!!! You realized your life was in danger and the one of your daughter as well. You acted and already started to make your life better...give YOURSELF a big pat on the back and some positive affirmations This forum has helped me so much to get away from my abusive Ex and to stay away....believe me sooo many times I posted here instead of writing him. And if I did write him and felt too ashamed to tell my friends and family (who assumed I was fine as soon as I was away from him) I would come here and at least tell people here. And then step by step work towards not contacting him. The jealousy is normal...plus he does it on purpose. Believe me. He knows you can see what pictures he likes and he picked a pretty girl. Just to show you how much he is over you and doesnt need you-- when really the next second he might come scratching at your door again to talk you into being with him. Seriously, they put on such a show its incredible and they all act in such similar ways!!! Just know that if anything, any other woman deserves your concern and healthy "pity"....she wont know what is waiting behind his friendly make up. My Ex went on dating lots of girls right away and he abused all of them. I did talk to the one right after me and she said she got really scared of him and he wouldnt accept "No" for an answer. Then later on the girl he had before me contacted me and ....well she had the same experiences with him. it is not you. it never was your fault. you will be ok!!! Youre doing already an incredible job after having experiences such a traumatic event just the other day. Way to go!!! Over time you can get to a point where you dont rely on other people and especially men to feel loved and validated, because you yourself give that to you. And you would not want a man who is after other women anyways....that stress never ends. You focus on yourself now as much as you can....heal.....breathe.....the trauma keeps us in "running" mode and it can be very exhausting. Maybe still go and see if you can find counseling from a professional sometimes to work through all of that trauma. It's a lot on the soul. oxox Now go and play your favorite song, eat something you love and then watch time heal your wounds. Every day that passes youll think less of him. It takes time, there will be ups and downs but you are informed, ready and you got lots of good books coming your way. We are here and always love to read from you and other survivors.
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Post by maddy on Jan 6, 2014 22:24:47 GMT
I would never contact him now I wouldn't have the guts to and I really wouldn't let him win.. It's if he contacts me it would through me off track but I would be straight on here for advice on what to do and hopefully now I'm learning myself about his ways and meens.
I can't wait for my books to come so I can get my head stuck into those. My mams off work tomorrow so I've got her with me and my daughter so I'm feeling a little less tence. I'm in my bed with nobody to answer to relaxing watching tv and not even letting him enter my thoughts the good times where good but the bad times where brutal enough to scare your sole... One thing he always used to say is the good times out-do the bad times he must have just been saying that to make me believe his abuse was normal.
I'm taking each day as it comes and hoping I will get stronger and stronger every day until I'm completely normal. Thank you xxx
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 6, 2014 23:43:30 GMT
That sounds like a really relaxing and well deserved evening!!! Enjoy your day with your mother and daughter in peace and quiet. I ate the books up as well as soon as my therapist recommended them and then a few people on this forum added more and more ideas. One member - Steve- has written a fabulous book called "Jerk Radar" and that comes in useful when you start trying out the dating world again but are concerned about possible future abusers. It has helped me a lot to be more careful with men. xox one day at a time. One bite at a time. That's how you eat an elephant. A few good night sleeps and family time probably helps as well to get you back into your old shape and find the that brilliant woman who was always there inside of you again!!!! We will always be here no matter what.
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Post by maddy on Jan 7, 2014 12:05:49 GMT
I was ok this morning when I woke .. I txt my friend she's a close friend but I haven't told her about what has happened...I txt to see if she was coming out for my birthday at the end of the month .... She text back saying yes she will come out and what's been going on with me she's heard a lot of story's ... I've explained everything that happened and sent her the pictures since I've done that my breathing went crazy and I was panicking. She couldn't believe what I had told her she just heard he smashed my windows ... I wish I never told her about in now because I can't stop crying and panicking and my mam and little girl are here I went into the shower hoping my tears would stop ! I'm out the shower now still crying and shaking why is this happening ?? Is it normal
I was only saying to my mam earlier this morning that I don't feel like in crying enough ... Then bang this happens .. Is this going to happen everytime one of my close friends ask me what's happened? I'm never telling anybody again what happened it done now... I'm going out with my mam and daughter soon so I hope that helps me but I don't want to block it all out for it come back on me 50 times worse like this I didn't even think I was blocking it out I thought I was dealing with it ... I'm thinking maybe this is just a bad day .... I've ran straight on here because I know it will help me
Thank you xxx
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Post by HH Lindsey on Jan 7, 2014 12:40:09 GMT
Hi Maddy,
Yes, it is completely normal to get crying and panicky times like that. While we are in a dangerous situation, our body produces loads of adreneline which is the hormone which controls the fight or flight response. That gets pumped into our bloodstream and keeps us going, for hours, weeks or even longer. Once we are out of the dangerous or stressful situation, our bodies can relax a bit more, less adreneline is produced and the stuff already in our system is expelled. That is when the tears come, and the exhaustion. So, completely normal and it means that your body is beginning to realise that there is not the need to be on constant alert.
Also, yesterday, when your mam was at work, you still had to be strong because your daughter was completely dependent on you being strong, today your mam can take some of the pressure off you and help with the little one, so it is 'safer' for the shock and stress to come out.
Well done for being able to tell your friend what happened. Yes, it is difficult, but it gets easier each time you do it and get a supportive response. A negative response, eg someone saying they don't believe you, or it was your fault, etc. can set you back. I think actually talking about it sort of makes it more real, and that can be difficult. It took me months to be able to tell people in person what had happened with me, and years for me to disclose all the details, so you are doing well!
You are doing fine, and it will get easier over time, just be kind to yourself and give yourself time. I am glad you have the support of your mother.
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 7, 2014 14:37:43 GMT
It is VERY very normal and part of your post traumatic stress. And Lindsey described very nicely how your body is dealing with the past events. I remember I was running HIGH on energy for a few weeks after I left my Ex and ran, and ran...literally RAN actually as in running more for exercise than I usually do as a runner. And one day I stopped and thought: What am I running away from? He is long gone. It takes so much time and healing... Let the tears out when you feel you can (under the shower is a good spot) Id cry and even scream into my pillow at night. After all our bodies function to help us survive but they need to get rid of that extra energy and the stress too... By the way any news on if he has been found by the police? That would be a day when maybe some more tears come up too as you might still fear what would happen if you run into him. Like you mentioned your town is small and it limits you to know he is not locked up yet. By the way there are many other symptoms you will get a deeper view on once you read "Invisible heroes" the author is a very experienced therapist and studied medicine and gives you step by step a very nice and easy understandable explanation of what exactly is happening in your body during the abuse and after-- and why you might experience nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, breathing difficulties, sleepless nights, etc etc....I couldnt use elevators for some time if only men were in them (or in the beginning if it was only one man) since my body refused to move or breathe properly if i was supposed to go into a soundproof room with a man (the elevator) I also cried once terribly when i saw a man be violent towards a woman on TV.....anything can trigger the symptoms. My therapy did help me LOTS to get better though. You will heal over time- talk to people if you feel like, but also give yourself the right to NOT talk about it. We all heal in our own way. YOU are in charge now and nobody is allowed to tell you what to do or who to feel anymore. High five to freedom girl
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Post by walkingthroughtreacl on Jan 7, 2014 19:34:04 GMT
I still find it very difficult to talk about, and I've been out nearly three years. Very occasionally I might let something slip, as I did at work last month, and as soon as I start talking about it I begin to cry, so I immediately change the subject.
When you think about what has happened to us it would be amazing if we didn't cry.
I was shown a photograph recently that a friend had taken of a young woman who had her arms wrapped around herself. My friend thought the photo was very artistic, which on the face of it, it was, and I knew he was pleased with it and wanted me to like it too. But it made me cry because all I could see was a woman being abused. It took me a very long time after I left to go to bed and not wrap my arms around myself, because that is what I used to do when I was still with my ex to try to protect myself.
If it feels right to talk about then do, but if it doesn't then don't. No-one but you knows what you've been through - you decide who you tell about it. The best friends I had (and abuse really sorts out your friends - believe me!) were the ones who listened when I felt like talking, and yet asked nothing. They were just there for me.
Keep remembering those baby steps.
xx
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Post by maddy on Jan 7, 2014 21:49:47 GMT
It's so so horrible what all of us have been through and I don't know what's worse it happening or getting over it all. I felt ok after I had a big cry.. My mam came upstairs and caught me but she had my daughter with her so I wipped my tears away and before I knew it my little daughter took me away from the crying and my breathing calmed down- I put the music on loud and had a little dance with my baby girl and I was thinking in my head things can only get better. He still hasn't been caught by the police and I don't think they will catch him until he is ready to hand himself in. I think he's just drinking and partying a lot by what I seen on facebook yesterday so he won't even be thinking about me or my daughter .. I can't even face to call her "our daughter" he doesn't deserve her 1 bit. I feel quiet calm at the minute and relaxed but I really hate the panic attacks every now and again I feel my heart beat really fast and almost as if my heart sinks if that makes any sence. Hidden hurt is my life line now I really don't know what I would do with out this and I think it's incredible that people in this world are so kind to help the way your helping me. This time I am determined to get over him even if he does get another girlfriend or whatever I can't let it bother me I need to be straight headed and completely forget him just feels like that day will never come I first met him when I was 17 I'm 23 nearly 24 now. I put some make up on today and done my hair and felt abit nice :-) hope tomorrow is a good day because everybody is at work so just me and my baby girl ... Hopefully my friend will come round to help the day pass otherwise I won't b leaving the house on my own the doors will be locked and I won't b setting foot out. Hopefully my transfer forms for my new home will be here tomorrow. Thank you for everything you guys xxx
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 7, 2014 21:56:47 GMT
The feeling in your heart that you describe- I had something similar too. I think the biological reason as to why your heart beats so fast is again flight or fight instinct. We humans used to be ready to run from "real" danger back when we lived in caves and had lions etc. chasing us. So our hearts needed to be fast as we were supposed to run fast and far. Nowadays, we may not have lions chasing after us but our bodies still function in much the same way. So much that even a reminder, a sound, a picture, a smell can trigger the memories and makes you literally ready to flight or fight against a threat.
Deep breaths, lots of water....lots of sleep help to build a foundation for your body to relax. In a way i really got to know my body better during that period of stress and panic attacks. If they get too bad you can also call a DV therapist/counselor and ask if you can have a telephone consultation or meet someone in person to talk about techniques to calm down during the panic attacks. One thing that always helped me was to remind myself: No matter how i am feeling right now, this too passes. I will not feel like this forever.
oxox
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Post by maddy on Jan 7, 2014 23:14:28 GMT
If they get any worse I will go to see the doctor about them I don't want them takin over my life but I'm just hoping at the minute they will pass. It's when I think about him my heart drops so to speak. The only way is up now.. I've had a nice hot chocolate I feel safe and relaxed in my bed my baby is in the cot fast asleep so I'm just chilling out watching some tv. Right now I feel like I've got nothing to worry or panic about ... Expect finding a new home for me and my baby but I'm putting that at the back of my mind at the minute nothing I can do about that until I get my forms to apply for a house transfer Thank you for ur reply Janine xxx
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Post by Janine 1984 on Jan 8, 2014 14:32:06 GMT
aww the hot chocolate sounds nice and the situation itself VERY peaceful. THAT is how any young mother should be feeling all the time and how her baby should be sleeping peacefully through the night Hang in there, the paperwork will be there and until then it might be nice to soak up all the company from your family. And if you ever feel lonely in the new home, dont hesitate to ask your Mom to come home for a night or two. You dont need to be alone or go through this alone. Shelters also take you in for a night or more and help you with the trauma and any anxiety you might have. I used to feel my heart drop when I even just SAW another man who looked a tiny bit like my Ex...and I was even living at the other end of the world by then and there was NO way he could have known where I was....the fear sits deep, the shock too. You can ask your closest DV shelter for information about local therapists and then call them to ask how you can get help. Way to go for being so pro-active and taking care of yourself!!!! Your daughter has one strong mommy by her side. Cant wait to hear about all the fun stuff you two will do without fear and without violence!! The road has just begun for you. Lots more good times ahead. And we are always here if you have a down moment. believe me, we all went through that. it DOES get better.
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Post by maddy on Jan 8, 2014 22:23:37 GMT
Hi the forms still didn't go today so I rang the place (for my new home) they said that they where sent to my old home but will be re sent out to my mams address so that shouldn't be too long now .. The lady is going to phone me at the end of the week on updates on houses.
Ok so today my best friend recieved a inbox message on facebook of him !!! She had just got a new job and had it on her status ... He messaged her saying congratulations mate ...... This is the friend that was with me when he done what he done !!!! She thought it was another lad so put thank you ..... She then received another message saying hope it all goes well for you, I'm handing myself in tomorrow so I won't see ya for a few years .. What did she say to the police. (On about what did I say to the police) my friend phone me straight away and told me I got that sick feeling in my stomach I told her to block him of facebook I don't think she wanted to at first :s anyways in the end she has blocked him- how dare he ask my friends things like that ?? What's his game do you think .. He must know she would tell me. I was absultely furious and angry that he messaged my friend he would never ever have spoke to her before so why now? With abit of look he will hand himself in tomorrow I doubt it though he said to me before he was going to hand himself in last Sunday! I'm upset and angry and my heart keeps beating fast when I think about it Thank you xx
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