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Post by amanda on Sept 23, 2014 15:44:41 GMT
Well i don't know where to start, but i know i need some help..
My husband treats me like crap, he looks at me with such disgust sometimes and its 10 times worse if he has been drinking.
He makes me feel like i irritate and annoy him just being here..
He never comes in our home in a bright mood its always miserable and moody…. the atmosphere changes the minute he comes in
He makes me feel really worthless, stupid can't do anything right..
I don't work now due to a health problem so I rely on him for money now, he gives me an allowance and god help me if i go over it…
He earns a very decent wage and buys designer everything for himself, but as he only gives me a part time wage, I sometimes struggle to get clothes etc for me and my daughter (who is not his child)
This is my second marriage and my first husband was very controlling and bullying … so when i met Paul he was completely different….
So loving, so caring so thoughtful so kind….
now he's just a mean/nasty and cold to me……My housework is never up to scratch for him, he complains and moans about everything, nothing is ever good enough….
I used his account the other day to pay my catalogue as he has thousands in the bank every month and he went ballistic with me and never spoke to me for 2 days after…
He wants to know what i am doing every minute of the day…… He can be sitting drinking coffee with his mother all day but when he comes back in he demands to know what work i have done in the house….
All the cuddles and affection has gone out of our relationship so forgive me if i don't want to start any love making with him, but to be honest i don't think he's even that bothered about me anymore, as I can go to bed hoping we become intimate and he turns over and goes to sleep ignoring my cuddles….
He doesnt like to see me sit down, he likes me working in the house and if i dare sit too long he gets the dusters and hoover out like the house is a disgrace and i am just sitting….So i know i have to get up and start the never ending work…
He has a thing about the dishwasher being on, he yells if its one, he yells if it hasn't been put on and lord help me if i have it on more than once a day….
He goes out on a weekend drinking and my daughters and i walk on egg shells when he comes home, as he is always in such a fowl mood. He bangs all the doors and cupboards, slams the doors, has the tv blasting.. just everything to be annoying…I was at my parents house the other week when he came in and my daughters were texting me how bad he was being in the house and i really didn't want to come back home to it… and when i spoke to him about it, the next day…. he just barked why do you believe everyone but me?….but of couse its him, he's like that all the time..
Sometimes he gets so drunk he can't get his key in the door and my daughter came down to let him in, he fell on her and then started verbally abusing her saying how useless she is……
I have tried everyday i know to handle him……going to bed, but he comes in and wakes me and wants to row with me…… humouring him, staying up and being nice to him making him food etc….. he just looks at me with such disgust and hate……and always starts a row….
We do have nice holiday etc as he does earn an awful lot of money, but everyone of them has been spoilt in one way or another with his attitude……he didn't speak to me for the first few days when we went to Dubai and i was literally crying in the room, and he was on the balcony reading in another fowl mood for no reason..
but too be honest all I want is for him to be nice to me…….to be able to sit in the same room and there be a nice relaxed atmosphere, for us to chat and laugh about our days……. it just seems so long ago now we did this and i really don't know how to get it back or even if i can…..any advice anyone can give me would be great x
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Post by thistle on Sept 24, 2014 2:50:32 GMT
He sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant individual and I wonder why you are wasting your life with him. Yes, I know that our lives are complicated things and giving up on a relationship can often feel like a failure, but we are given one life which zooms by all too quickly. Your husband is using abusive tactics and it is highly doubtful that he will change. That warm and loving person he was in the beginning was more than likely a pretence and the real person is the nasty brat you have to cope with now.
My personal advice, as one who lived with a person very similar to your husband, is to get out while you can and don't waste another second on this controlling bully.
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Post by amanda on Sept 24, 2014 11:09:46 GMT
Hello Thistle, thanks for your reply, although its not really what i wanted to hear…..Suppose i want a magic wand to make everything ok again… Anyhow i have booked a session with relate to talk though my marital problems but i will be going alone, as I have tried to get my husband to go with me before and he won't hear of it saying they will just laugh at me. I know he thinks i have the life of riley but its certainly not like that, I am in a constant state of anxiety when he is home from work, trying to do and say the right thing.
I know i have put some weight on since we got married, which hasn't been helped with arthritis and joint replacements, as he has barked at me very nastily a few times about. One time on another holiday ruined he was starting to drink far to much far to fast and I knew the temper that was in store for me if i didn't try and stop him. We were in a bar and i said trying to be diplomatic .. "I would prefer it if you would have something to eat love"….. and his reply was " I would prefer it if you were a lot thinner but we can't have everything we want…..I was upset of course, but he has been worse about my weight on another night out that was also ruined just basically calling me a "FAT CUNT' in front of everyone in the bar…
Anyhow, my plan is to see the marriage guidance councillor this week, talk some stuff though, and desperately try and lose some weight before he gets home from work as he works away a month at a time.
I really wish he could just see what he is putting me through on an emotional level and change his attitude……. I told him on line recently that he is nicer to me when he is away working as he chats to me on line and his emails and words are much softer. (I don't get emails telling me of undying love anymore but at least he signs off saying he loves me, which is more than he does when he is actually home.)
and once i had told him that his attitude changed like he was home…… "So you just want me to be at work 24/7 while you enjoy all the f*cking benefit?…….and then went to list…….the house, the car, the holidays the trips away bla bla……..
But all i want is for my husband to be nice to me………all the other things mean nothing without it……
I am so frustrated and upset……. all the time now, even when he is away as I am wanting so much for this treatment to stop… Why does he hate me so much now?….. I do nothing but try and please him, sometimes, just sometimes, when he is in the right mood i see a flicker of his old self come back….. the nice Paul and i just revel in it, even if its just a few kind words……. but it can be gone again in a flash and the miserable moody face appears again, where nothing i say or do is right…
Can he every change?…….and really he can't be happy being like this……. surely he wants things to be warm and intimate as they were before…….. but he honestly seems to enjoy being miserable.
x
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 24, 2014 13:31:10 GMT
Hey amanda and a warm welcome to you here,
thistle has a lot of good points, all based on experience and reading similar stories. We do understand you that it is NOT easy to think about leaving, when you are still hoping, still working so hard on showing "I am worthy of love and respect!!" to him, over and over and over again. This must be exhausting for you.
It is completely ok, if you do not think about leaving him right now. The decision is, and will always be yours and yours alone. What I can recommend for this situation is that you keep doing what you already did on your own- reach out and inform yourself about domestic violence, emotional abuse, counseling options for you (alone, since he does not want to go), and working on your own personal goals.
One book you might want to read while he is gone (please keep it away from him and also delete your internet browser history as many abusers control which websites you visit, what phone calls you make, what books you read etc.) is:
"Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.
The author is NOT your typical 'help yourself- cheap book isle' guy, he is an extremely experienced therapist, who has worked for (I believe) over 30 years with abusive men, and their wives and girlfriends. I bet you would find some very good answers and tips in this book, regarding your husband's behavior, your own options and choices etc.
Another book I really like- and it might be fitting for your situation- is called "Invisible Heroes" by Belleruth Naparstek. She is also a very experienced psychotherapist, and talks about the challenges of living in a way you do right now.
Always walking on eggshells. Always focusing only on how to keep him happy. Planning your entire being, happiness, consciousness-- only around him. This book will give you supportive words, as you do truly walk around like an invisible hero right now!! Trying to keep the family together, making it all 'ok' again.
The things thistle mentioned are true in their essence. Of course it is NOT what any abused woman (or man) wants to hear. I for sure did NOT want to hear that!!! But...those ARE important words, because they are true.
Even if I do not mention studies about DV (domestic violence) that show abusers never change. ( and the tiiiiny amount of them who might work a bit on themselves, WANT to work on themselves and even then it is questionable what lasting change and safe behavior is there)
Now, you do not have to believe this- and if you are anything like me, or any other victim that we have worked with here, that is most likely your reaction. And that is ok! And very, very normal to do. His behavior has traumatized you, you might hate him sometimes for what he chooses to do, but then you might also feel a strong bond, you might want to call this experience 'I love him so much, if ONLY I can show him that, and love him out of this bad mood we can be happy again....'
This feeling/experience is call "traumatic bonding/ stockholme syndrome'- both terms you might want to read up on, if that feels comfortable and right. Even if you do not see yourself in them yet or ever, it helps to understand why victims of abuse 'not just leave'.
You have my compassion. This is not an easy situation and I can understand why you are feeling upset and reach out. Be proud for this, as sharing a personal story is never easy.
Now one thing I will say to end my reply, is that I am very concerned not only about your emotional and physical safety and health - but I am extremely concerned about your children.
If nothing else is right now worth at least THINKING about what life could be like without him, think about your daughters. I know this is NOT what you want for them. A father/stepfather who is so violent and unpredictable that they do not feel safe in their own home and call you scared and worried while you are away and he chooses to abuse them.
Children and teenagers/young adults are EXTREMELY vulnerable to abuse.
As a mom, would you want your babies to date a man like this?
I think you know in your heart and gut what the answer to that is.
What keeps you from leaving him?
(You do NOT have to answer this- not to me or anyone else. Not even to yourself if you are not ready yet to run this thought through your mind.)
Whatever it is you choose to do or not do, there are amazing free hotlines or local DV shelters you can call. Use a safe phone. You do NOT have to give them your name or anything- it is completely anonymous if you wish to do so. On the phone you will have access to trained counselors, again for free- and they can give you a list of services. Those include counseling, financial aid, housing aid options, legal aid, support for your daughters- depending on their ages you might be able to get them into child/teenager counseling as well.
And, if nothing what they offer sounds like a good thing right now, you thank them for listing the options, hang up the phone and go about your daily routine as if nothing happened. Really I find those hotlines to be a wonderful thing!
We are here and I am looking forward to hearing how you felt about some of the ideas we put out there. The answers are in your gut already.
And all those professional services and books aside- I asked myself this one question when I was about to leave my Ex for the third and final time:
He has been like this for _______________months/years. I have tried______________(everything!!!). What makes me think the next___________(months/years) would be ANY different?
The only thing that will be different is that your daughters and you will continue to spend the next 5/10 years being emotionally and physically damaged by an abuser. He enjoys doing this, even it might seem like he 'needs help'. The reason why we know abusers choose to abuse, is that they also choose to have a honeymoon phase- a phase in which a liiittle bit of the 'good guy I met' comes through, and you are hooked again in endless hope-waiting....
By having him as their main male role model, your daughters will have an incredibly higher risk of dating an abusive partner themselves, as many studies show, as they see you accepting this as acceptable behavior for a husband and father.
Is this a life worth passing on to them? A legacy that seems safe and a childhood/teenager period that is full of fun, a warm home, trustworthy parents? You are the only one who can protect them. They cannot do that for themselves, even if they are already teenagers. They need you to do that.
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Post by amanda on Sept 24, 2014 16:36:53 GMT
Hello Janine and thanks for your reply……..i would like to point out that my husband has not been physical violent to me. He has on a rare occasion seemed as though he might be, but i think what stops him is that his father was very physically violent to his mother other the years and he saw all of that growing up. Amazingly his mother and father are still together, but i know his father hit the drinking on the head which was the main cause for this, but as i am reading up on the abuse/controlling ways I am finding out that whatever happens its still a choice the abuser to do it, however sorry they are afterwards.
Mostly with Paul i feel he just likes to make my life miserable ….but by doing this surely he is miserable too?… how can someone enjoy this..?…
I dread when he is home for christmas as he finds no joy in it at all…….He just barks at me its kids under 10 and thats it…… But what is wrong with enjoying the festive season?…..and being happy and content?…..
He is home this year and i know the only thing he will want to do is go to the pub… with his pub mates….. and you guarantee he will be the happiest. loudest man in there, wishing anyone and everyone a happy christmas and all the best etc.,
Yet when he comes home his face will hit the bottom and he will retreat into the normal miserable scrooge mood……. what pleasure can he get out of that?…… I just really don't understand..
So I thought, I will compromise and he can go to the pub, be as happy as larry with his mates, but then I can pick him up and myself and my girls who are 17 and 21 can go and have christmas lunch out together…. instead of waiting for him to come through the door like thunder and ruin the day..
This year especially is important to me as it is probably my mothers last christmas as she has terminal stomach cancer….and i wanted my mother and father to go with us on the christmas meal.
He had obviously been in my hand bag while i was out and saw a leaflet i had in there about christmas lunch, so when i came in he barked about to me immediately ….
"Whats this about christmas lunch?'!……. I said well I was thinking of us going out this year….. and before i could even finish I got…" Well don't f*cking book me in for no christmas f*cking lunch!"
I snapped back at him.."well don't sodding go…..thanks very much for trying to make my mothers last Christmas a good one!"…… and as usual…..end of conversation, end of speaking for days…..
He did growl later …You didn't tell me your mother was going?……….but he really didn't give me time to say that … he was just overjoyed, delighted, to tell me in no uncertain terms that he wasn't going.
So why would he want to go if my mother and father were going?….. just to be false with them?… pretend he is the perfect son in law, when they know he is far from it..... like the blokes in the pub, saying "All the best to anyone and everyone"…..
The holiday i told you about in Dubai, where he didn't speak to me for days…. then one morning, change of mood…… "Do you want a coffee?"….. I said no at first and then my peacekeeping head comes on as usual and i said…."yes that would be lovely'……..we go swimming outside and my tears from earlier are forgotten……
Things don't seem so bad…… we are actually chatting a bit…..but his nasty sarcasm is never far away……..I say to him that surely the lifeguards must get bored just sitting all day…. and his reply… "Well, you would just love that sitting doing nothing all day!"……. I swim off disheartened thinking nothing has changed….
Yes i do realise that is me only wanting love and respect and fighting so hard for it, but meeting a brick wall all the time and sharply put back in my place….. Why does he feel so superior to me?… Yes he does have a great job and loads of cash…. but i am his wife and I am not allowed the same privileges of spending…. when he I used his account to pay my catalogue i did try and stick up for myself and say. "Paul for gods sake i am your wife!……. and all he replied was "Exactly you are my wife"…….. and i have no idea what that meant, I really think he just didn't have an answer…..
I have left twice before….and when i have he has changed the locks immediately…..of course giving me no access to my household items…both occasions i really didn't think it was the end, I wanted everything to be good again……I was simply biding my time and hoping he would miss me and beg for me back…… So when i knew he was due back at work I asked if i could come around and get my stuff.. while he was away…. of course he didn't trust me to do that while he was away and insisted if i want my things to come NOW…….There is no way i would have ripped him off, taken loads of stuff bla bla… all I ever wanted was for us to be ok……
Anyhow I had to go immediately as I was ordered, and i thought picking my clothes out of my wardrobes…….only to find he had bagged everything up and thrown in the garage, I was deviated, as i know there would have been no way i would have done the same to him……he even locked the garage door into the house so i couldn't come in..
I started packing my car with the black sacks and made several trips…..then he comes out of the house into the garage and has a break down crying and begging me not to leave….. to be honest at the time it was all i wanted to hear…… and i flung my arms around him and we ended up straight in bed..
I was away from him a couple of months and walking around the house afterwards it really upset me that he had bought loads of new stuff, new cooker, new bed covers etc etc., like he had already has forgotten i was even there………He went back to work and i was allowed to stay in the house, but it hit me hard, the whole drama of it, and everything i owed dumped in the garage and i had a bit of a breakdown while he was away…..
Suppose i am worried about being able to cope again with all the upset…. and its much worse now as like i said, I don't have a job anymore to support myself, so the worry would be double and i will be having a knee replacement soon.
I have an appointment for a councillor in the morning and its not cheap, I am going for one session to see how it goes, but if i am going to leave again I will need every penny and a get out plan, it all just terrifies me..
any views would be greatly appreciated
xx
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 24, 2014 22:14:29 GMT
It does sound like he would like to destroy everything that is important to you. I am sorry this is happening- it must be very hard for you. Try reaching out to the hotlines I mentioned and let us know how that felt- again, you do not need to give them personal information about yourself and it is advisable to use a safe phone.
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Post by amanda on Sept 25, 2014 12:47:09 GMT
Been to the relationship councillor and told him my story……I said i don't really think you can help me…. my husband is a narcissus. All he is interested in is himself and how things affect him, he has no interest in how they effect me or my feelings….Yes he was wonderful to be at the beginning, but as you have both said this was his mask and not the real him. I am beginning to see so clearly now, at least i know at last that its not my fault, that everything is not my fault…….. its HIM!
It helps in some ways to know that, but not in others, as it means there is no fixing this…….love just doesnt conquer all …… no matter how much I love him, he can't love be back, he can only put me down and make me feel unless and unworthy of him…
So no more!…….my plan of escape starts now, thank you both for your help x
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 26, 2014 1:26:47 GMT
I am glad you got to see a counselor so quick, way to go!
We are here and understand leaving is not easy. Please do not feel ashamed even if you do stay with him or go back- even 24634 times. In my experience this toxic shame victims of abuse feel- adds only to their isolation and depression and anxiety. In my case I felt SO ashamed I kept seeing my Ex for a while, knowing my family and friends would be so disappointed and think I am crazy.
Abuse is crazy-making. Now I know it was never my fault. I suffered from PTSD and needed help. Not someone who lectured me on 'why did you go back, you must want this."
You will be ok, believe in yourself!
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Post by Me on Sept 26, 2014 13:33:00 GMT
Thank you for your understanding Janine and yes it is very hard. Yesterday i was so sure that was it, I had had enough.
Now this morning i am faced with an email………"Hello flower, Sorry for being a dickhead, hope things are going well at home…Love you too bits xx"
My head is all over the place….. I am thinking is he really sorry?…..or is it a trick to make me not leave him while he is away at work?
I tell you this is just not easy…..
Of course i have to give him the benefit of the doubt, as i do love the bones of him…
Do I mention that he could be a narcissist? asking him to get help….…..or do I just leave it?…….
like I say my head is all over the place…… what do you think?
x
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 26, 2014 17:33:14 GMT
Yeah usually abusers try different techniques- as Lundy Bancroft describe so very well in his "Why does he do that" book. You might find a ton of information there that can help you understand more what manipulative behaviors he uses to keep you under his control.
I too felt like my head was all over the place years ago when I dated an abusive guy. Trauma is complex, and PTSD a very real disorder, that can make you think you are losing your mind. Having that counselor will hopefully be a great support for you along this path too.
We understand it is NOT easy to leave, it is even harder sometimes to stay away. Studies show in average women endure about 7 severe incidents of abuse and leave 7 times, before finally staying away for good. I know of few cases where the woman realized the first time "This is not right" and googled "Domestic violence/emotional abuse" and then left right away. Usually we all go through a similar cycle- first you know in your GUT this is NOT ok. You just know it. But you keep denying it, telling yourself 'he is not as bad as THOSE abusers who beat a woman black and blue- he would NEVER do that"
When the truth is physical violence is NEVER far from emotional/verbal violence. If an abuser sees his words and temper tantrums do not keep you in control, he will more often than not apply physical violence. This can start by showing you, punching walls, verbally 'joking' he want to 'choke/kill'stab' you. Really they are always testing the waters to see how they can get away with.
Stay safe and listen to your gut, we are here.
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Post by Me on Sept 27, 2014 14:29:34 GMT
Hello again…… i sent him an email he replied and I replied again please can you have a look and let me know your thoughts….. my first email is me reaching out to him, but after his reply… which seemed to me to be turning things around on me and then going on to telling me how important he is at work….a little i do love you on the end, but no real passion in his words…..just words… and then my reply which to be honest I just end up telling him how important he is to keep the peace as i don't want him to know i am on to him…… would love to hear your thoughts…..thanks x
Do you really love me Paul?……or are you just saying that because you know its what i want to hear?…
You only ever tell me when i say it to you first, never spontaneously on your own…..
You are so cold and distant to me a lot of the time and just seem to want to cut me off altogether.
The only thing I want from you……. is your love….. some warmth in our relationship, some hugs and kisses. The stuff we have, the places we go, means absolutely nothing to me without this.
Do you find emotions difficult?… its ok if you do, I would like to know as i am trying my best to understand you.
You are the only man i have ever loved totally and unconditionally…. and I just don't think you feel the same deep love as I do, in fact do you feel emotions at all?….do you ever care about how you are making me feel?.... this is ok as well, there is a condition for this and its not your fault.
I get very hurt by your actions when you are home, there is a different drama everyday, never any peace, you sometimes seem to enjoy seeing me hurt, enjoy talking down to me, and constantly criticising me, when i love the bones of you.
The christmas carry on, you couldn't wait to spit and rage at me that you weren't going, you were really aggressive and hurtful, you didn't even let me finish telling you my mam and dad were going, before you barked at me.
I am trying to understand who would want to hurt their spouse like that?…. and why?… you certainly won't be like that in the pub when you are wishing everyone "all the best" …. so why be like that with me?… I am tired of trying to fathom out …..…"what have I done, why is he acting like this with me?'
Don't reply tonight or even tomorrow, just think about it a while, think about if you have any real feelings and emotions or do you just act as you think you should? None of this is a dig at you please understand that, my soul is dying at the minute and I am just trying to understand how my husband thinks.
Your wife who loves the bones of you xxx
His reply….
Hi, Well wasn't expecting a reply from Sigmund Freud, no doubt you've been on google and researching such things, when really its not google u need, i don't have a problem with my emotions at all, sometimes i wonder if you have the same problem, i put my hands up and take some of the responsibility of our current situation we find ourselfs in, but you yourself must also release that you have take a share in this mess, as for theres a drama every day well thats not true at all, i think u like to make things up and make them out worse than they really are, i may have to google that, no doubt theres a condition for that, with regards to xmas dinner, you said at the time its would be me you and shaz, im not arsed about xmas at all its just another day in my book now, i never knew your mam and dad were coming as well , let me ask myself why didnt i didnt know......as usual you didnt tell me, and all i said i wasnt going for xmas dinner , i didnt scream the place down or go about balling and shouting, you make out like i went on like a mad man, which is so wrong, like i say you expand on the truth, I have to reply now as i cant reply to emails in my cabin, as for feeling do you have any towrds me??? you gave me all that grief when i just got on the rig, not giving a hoot that im stuck on a oil rig, 3 lads got hurt, all finger injurys, in fact 1 lad lost the top of his finger, then the driller had a huge fook up just before i came on shift, and it was big one, then the next day the toolpusher had an even bigger fook up, touch wood i havent yet and it will continue that way, i have be totally focused on this job out here, 1 lapse of concentraction and its a world of shit, but you never even thought about that, how it would affect me, how i would go about and do my job, speaking of jobs, i may be out of a job end of next trip, as the rig doesnt have a contract, so thats another piece of good news, i have to try and motivate the crew which i have done, as we have to keep our minds on the job, 1 of the lads even came and seen me and asked for advice, yip he asked me can u believe such a thing, and today he thanked me and said i was right he was wrong, as for saying i lov you its not a competition, i sent u a quick email yestrday as i was in the office, you never eben gave it a thought to email me just to ask if things were ok, well i have to go im on shift and i do love you xx
my reply back to him
Hello dear
Well I asked you to think things through and give it some time, never mind.
Paul you were disgusting about christmas dinner, and as i have just explained, I was telling you about it and you were so overjoyed to but in straight away " Don't fucking book me in for no fucking christmas dinner!"…… If you remember when you were in Tenerife with your parents you said this would not happen again and we would be together if you were not at work.
If its just another day why do you need to go to the pub?…. its not just another day and you know it..
Yes I am pleased for you that the lad said he as wrong and you were right, I am sure you were right and i know you are very important person on the rig.
I have just sent you a long email about how much i love you.. .. I love spending time with you, I go to the football matches with you even though i am not to keen on it, but I do stuff to make you happy.
You sent me an email today ..not yesterday…
love you x
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 27, 2014 17:35:12 GMT
I think you know the answers to all your questions already. It sounds to me like he is eager to turn everything around and blame you, completely avoiding his responsibilities. He distracts a lot from the actual issue you raised- by pretending his job is so important and he really sounds like the type of abuser who can make up a lot of drama.
My Ex was a chef and used to do the same. It does not even matter WHAT or WHY they do what they choose to do.
What matters is-- How do YOU feel? Where are YOU in all of this?
My partner now is such a different person. When I bring up issues he apologizes sincerely. He does not minimize my feelings or perception. He does not try to make me believe I exaggerate or lie or are too sensitive.
We can go and ask ourselves endlessly "why does he not see how he hurts me, why does he do that?" (again the book by Lundy Bancroft has all the answers you might need) Or we can accept that we cannot change or control a person.
he chooses to be this way. If you feel he enjoys hurting and manipulating you, he most likely DOES enjoy it. Your choice is to stay and spend the next 10 years like this- or to say NO to this and expect more from a man.
It is not easy. Leaving is not easy, staying with an abuser is not easy. In an ideal world all victims of abuse realize he is never going to change, enroll in a one year celibacy without dating- seeing a therapist once a week and entering mindfulness seminars and meditation/yoga classes.
But this world is not always ideal- and sometimes it takes us a long time to fully understand he is never going to change.
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Post by me on Sept 27, 2014 18:35:40 GMT
Yes i suppose i do know the answers already…….its just so daunting….. especially as i have no job and no money of my own……..I do have access to his bank account but i am only allowed to draw out a small amount each month. I have been talking to my daughter and she said I should empty his bank account when he gets paid, when i am ready to go… I am so scared about this as he will go ballistic. but it would help us out a great deal in our new home.. what are your thoughts on that?…… its just really not me to do that but I know i have to start sticking up for myself…….
Of course his family will hate me as they think he is amazing and don't see the side of him i see…
I am ordering that book you recommended and i have already read loads about it on line……you are right it fits him exactly…..
x
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janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Sept 28, 2014 14:41:19 GMT
If you feel uncomfortable making any financial decisions on your own right now regarding this matter- I would contact your counselor first and also a DV/Shelter hotline. Both could give you the right questions you might want to ask yourself first, and also legal advice on your specific situation. You do not have to go through this alone.
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Post by me on Sept 28, 2014 17:13:43 GMT
Thanks Janine i have sent off for that book and two others…. he hasn't replied to my last email so i am just leaving it for now, I really can't be bothered with trying to be nice to him sending emails.
I am sure he will be back in touch with me soon enough……. hoovering as i now know its called…
I am getting my affairs in order, my plan is to read these books and try and stand up to him more……I do love him and before i go i want to know i have tried everything with him….
he is not back from work for another 3 weeks yet. thank god…… so i have time to read books and i will be fully ready when he returns to be able to see him as a subject rather than a husband..
thanks for all your help xx
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Post by blueskies on Oct 14, 2014 14:48:00 GMT
Hello. I just wanted to say that I have experienced almost identical behaviour especially your example about Xmas. I have been no contact for 10 months. I left when he went as far as ruining his grandchild's first birthday. For me that pushed me over the edge. I told him he was the most unpleasant person I had ever met and deleted his number. It is the best decision I have ever made and I have made huge steps both mentally, emotionally and physically. If he tries to contact me I just ignore it. This year I am actually looking forward to Xmas and he cannot ruin it for me. I hope for the same for you.
xx
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Post by Amanda823 on Feb 2, 2017 12:04:27 GMT
He sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant individual and I wonder why you are wasting your life with him. Yes, I know that our lives are complicated things and giving up on a relationship can often feel like a failure, but we are given one life which zooms by all too quickly. Your husband is using abusive tactics and it is highly doubtful that he will change. That warm and loving person he was in the beginning was more than likely a pretence and the real person is the nasty brat you have to cope with now. My personal advice, as one who lived with a person very similar to your husband, is to get out while you can and don't waste another second on this controlling bully.
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Feb 4, 2017 16:24:00 GMT
Hi Amanda, how are you doing? I see you have posted after being gone for a bit, are you ok? We are still here if you need to share! Hope you are well and things are better!
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Post by Lilian Shaffer on Sept 9, 2017 8:57:12 GMT
I go through so much verbal abuse on a daily bases its so bad to the point that I woulld rather die
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karen
Member
"Trust Your Journey"
Posts: 1,518
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Post by karen on Sept 9, 2017 20:13:30 GMT
Hi Lillian. Welcome.. I am sorry to hear that you would rather die. I know verbal abuse..any abuse for that matter, is horrible. I don't know your situation, but if we can help you here in any way, please let us know. This is a safe place to talk about whatever is on your mind. There isn't any judging, or name calling, or people telling you what to do. Only support, kindness, and concern as many of us have walked in very similar shoes like yours. It isn't easy.
Abusers are horrible people. They truly believe that the way they treat their partners is the way their partner should be treated. It is a life long mindset that has developed over many many many years.
If you would like to share more, I would be happy to listen and help you in whatever direction you would like to go. Not everyone is ready to leave their partners, or want to leave or are capable of leaving. We just want them to stop hurting us. And we just cannot figure out what to do in order for them to love us like they did when we all started out as a couple.
Please know..none of what your partner is doing to you is your fault. NONE. You didn't make him be abusive, you didn't cause him to be a jerk. AND you don't deserve to be treated like that. I know he has probably told you over and over and over again that his mood is your fault, that you cause him to have to be mean to you. He is lying to you, he makes up excuses to cover the fact that he is a jerk.
If you want to learn more about Domestic Violence and Abuse, a book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is the best resource for helping victims to understand the mentality behind an ABUSER. I read this book after being in 3 relationships that all progressively got more abusive with each one. I couldn't believe that I was being abused. When I read this book..oh my! A light bulb went off in my head and the "loveless" relationships I have been in made sense. All three of my exes..all of them could have had their pictures in this book as I swear the book was written as if it was modeled after these guys. I was stunned. Then I was pissed off. And now I am healing and finding my joy and happiness that I have been looking for over the last 30 years. (those 3 relationships were since I was in college. One was a 20 year marriage, the last one was a year long affair with a guy I met online..big mistake)
Sadly they never change. No matter how much love we give them, how much we tolerate them, and how much we try and change and do what they want us to do. NEVER. You will never be able to change him. NEVER.
Stay safe Lillian. Thinking of you and hoping your day gets better.
Karen
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