I don't know if I've been abused

Hey you and welcome here,

He sounds like a very abusive man and I believe you dodged a dangerous bullet right there.
NONE of this is your fault or was ever your fault.
It sounds like he knew exactly how to 'groom' you to be his controlled victim of sexual/emotional and physical abuse.

'Rough' sex is fine of course, I believe, if both parties are consenting to it, and an ONGOING MUTUAL agreement has been made if both partners are into more violent bedroom behavior.

Now the thing about sex is that I do not think we take it serious enough sometimes. Sex can be 'just' that, sex. But in my personal opinion, observing my female friends in high school and college and later work, as well as reading tons of books by Helen Fisher, a very well established sex/love researcher-- I have come to understand that sex is for the majority of people NOT just sex.
Women's brain and body chemistry actually changes just from contact with sperm in the reproductive areas of your body, from orgasms etc. and of course it all makes sense- we are mammals ,meant to reproduce and attach.
If we attach and secure a partner, we can create a nest for our offspring. And as much as humans like to pretend we are somehow different or even 'above' (in some religious views for example) we ARE mammals, we have instincts and our brains and bodies CAN fool us into thinking we 'love' someone, when really we are literally addicted to a hormone cocktail a wild sex affair can produce in us.

I will attach a few resources below you might find helpful during the moments when you miss him a lot. One is from 'sex and love addicts'-- but really I find the 12 steps in it are great for ANYONE in a toxic/dysfunctional relationship or attraction/attachment to an abusive person.

NOTHING beats a good mental health professional and a good set of counseling in my opinion though--

if you give yourself permission to research and choose the right one for you (sex addiction therapists have now special training as it really is not that different to any addiction- we just use sex as a tool to somehow manage an underlying pain of attachment problems from another time in our life, we might carry an untreated trauma or simply our bodies are very sensitive towards developing a physical addiction to the hormone rush of sex- just like chocolate or alcohol really for other people)

Google "red flags/warning signs of a bad counselor/ before you make a first pick, and pages like 'healthgrades' and others often offer public reviews of counselors nowadays too. As with any profession, you got a few black sheep among those- and in counseling especially you want to give yourself the gift of choosing a very professional counselor whom you trust.

Again this is NOT your fault.
He knew how to get you hooked by courting you first- securing your trust and then implanting the bait of 'hope' that someday....he might come around and wants more. The random acts of violence increased and when he started slapping you outside the bed- you saw the REAL him. He was never Mr. Nice, charming, -- he is the man who loves to degrade women in the bedroom and in my view he might even be a type of male who is able to rape someone. Sexual sadists for example can only really 'get it off' if they harm, hurt and punish their victims.

The question might therefore not be as much "Why is he ignoring me now and I want 'it' back?"

The question might be....Is this and has this EVER been safe for me? Is this how i want others to treat me?
Why did I not find the slap he made to my face outside of bed shocking anymore? Has he maybe been grooming me to accept and tolerate sadistic sexual behavior and i was willing to give away all of my values and feeling of safety and respect and appreciation just to make him stay, no matter the price and danger?

The one way to get away from this is with professional help as a support, and then also no contact. Meaning delete his numbers, get yourself a new phone, private email, take him off Facebook etc. and if he does find a way to contact you- I would not be one bit surprised if he comes around again-- stay strong.
His agenda is not love. He does not care about you.

That is extremely painful and traumatizing and can lead to "repetition compulsion.' Suddenly you find yourself so alone and traumatized, you go in for the SAME situation, either with him or another man who is like him- to try and 'get it right THIS time finally'....only to compulsively repeat the painful events again and again.
Sometimes we find- in my situation for example- that in therapy we explore a trauma from way back. I had abandonment and attachment issues from my parents being very dysfunctional- but never made the connection to my dating behavior until I dated several controlling and abusive men.

Now I have been out of that for many years and can honestly say it is hard- but exploring your soul with a therapist is SO...worth it. It is the best thing I have ever done to be loving and accepting towards myself.

Drop the toxic shame, it belongs to HIM ...not you. You are ok, you are enough the way you are. Even if you did participate in sexual stuff that might shock some friends, so what. We all make mistakes, we all sometimes do things just to be loved, appreciated, we all learn and it is ok. You are ok!!! It is not your fault.


We can never control and change another person, what we CAN change, is ourselves.

Hope that helped! Below I attached some resources I find very useful- maybe you do too.
We are here and love to hear from you.


Books

(Anything really written or all TED talks) by Helen Fisher
"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft
"Jerk Radar" by Steve McCrea

Websites

www.slaafws.org/members

detachwithlove.com/detachment.html