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Post by TWP on Sept 3, 2014 13:54:55 GMT
Hello, I found this site yesterday when I realised that I was struggling, after finally seeing myself as a domestic violence victim. My partner punched me in the face and since then I have been in shock. I even went to work the following day, and my colleague went with me to the Police Station. People at work were fantastic, the police officers who took my statement were wonderful, and I am now waiting to find out if they have arrested him and what is happening next.
Reading through this site, I have had my eyes opened. I had thought I was going mad, that there was something wrong with me, that I was as awful and hopeless as he said I was. I recognised the ways he has been controlling me and the escalation to violence when I challenged and disagreed. The abuse was verbal to begin with, slowly undermining my self belief. I am a strong, independent woman, I have a PHD, a responsible job at the lower end of senior management, a grown up son, my own house, great friends, have a range of thank you cards from people who have worked with me, and as soon as I walk into my home I am paranoid about the housework, the gardening and the maintenance (he doesn't even live with me!). At one point he would come over to collect me for practice and inspect the house, then be in a foul mood with me for the whole evening. If I had done everything he thought I should have, he would find something new. He is a tradesman, and used doing work at my house (paid) as giving him a right to do it.
I go to dance practice (we were competitive ballroom dancers) and I would have to manage his behaviour. If someone payed me a compliment, I would be on edge for when he would try to undermine it and tell me how c**p I was. Earlier this year he threw me across the room in front of a room full of dancers and I bruised my coccyx. I couldn't attend a friends funeral the following day because I couldn't walk. We tried again, as he did appear to be genuinely shocked by what he did. This ended at the weekend with being attacked with a CD player and punched in the face, then he expected me to feel sorry for him whilst I was trying to stop the nose bleed, because he was 'in a worse state than me'. My crime, disagreeing with it all being my fault.
There is so much more, and so many people tried to tell me what they were seeing. Thankfully most of them are still around now that I eventually worked it out. (I have finally stopped crying and shaking - I seem to be doing a lot of that at the moment). Thank you for the sharing and supporting through this site, it is helping me to understand where I have been, why I can never go back, and to start on the process of rebuilding.
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 3, 2014 16:17:27 GMT
Hey TWP and welcome here,
I am very glad you found us too!
It sounds like you understand and have understood intellectually for a very, very long time what he does is NOT right, and that you have to leave him and go no contact.
But I myself have graduate degrees and a good career and still also ended up dating an abuser many years ago- for longer than I should have. Many people told me to leave him- and I would 'know' they were right but I was so traumatized I felt like I was the one going crazy and stayed beyond what I should have allowed.
Now I have been abuse free for many years and worked through it with a very good therapist. I can HIGHLY recommend you to do that, and read books about abuse, traumatic bonding, stockholme syndrome etc.
One book I highly recommend is "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.
Another one- and you might find that one to be helpful once you leave him and might find yourself looking for a new mate one day is called
"Jerk Radar" by Steve McCrea.
Both authors have decades of experience with domestic violence and they are not cheap 'help yourself isle' booklets, but well researched and based on latest scientific articles works.
It is essential to NEVER GO BACK and NO CONTACT.
It is also the hardest as your traumatized brain will fool you- much like a drug or alcohol addiction- into thinking 'one last time'-- just one time...the quick fix ....maybe this time I can manage to get a different ending to the same story. This is also called 'repetition compulsion' in relationships.
Nothing replaces a good counselor though and when you pick one, read up on 'red flags of a bad counselor' as like in any profession there are good and bad ones out there. When you work through trauma and DV you want a good one by your side.
Hope that helped!
Hang in there....leaving and staying away is hard, takes time and effort. But there IS an end to the suffering and even if nothing else helps, tell yourself you do NOT want to break a leg or lose an eye or be choked to death by him. Because this IS reality and I told myself when I realized the seriousness of the danger i was in that "I do NOT want to be one of those statistics."
3 women die per week in the UK alone by DV- and those are only the directly reported deaths. It does not include suicide by a depressed and traumatized abused woman and staged 'accidents'- I believe there are tons more.
Hang in there, lots of water, good sleep, good food, connect to people who understand and let us know how it feels to maybe look for a good therapist now.
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Post by claire+3 on Sept 3, 2014 17:11:48 GMT
TWP, wow you have realised what was being done to you. I'm really impressed to hear you say his expectations were UN realistic that you saw him try and turn the attack on you into feeling sorry for him  You are making the right choice I promise.. have you looked at the wheel of control/abuse? I think you may find it eye opening.. Take some help and support, getting out of a abusive relationship is the hardest thing I've ever done. Jeannie is so right, no contact.. it's like a drug and he will try and get you hooked again using all he knows about you.. if you have no contact he can't draw you back in..It only gets worse if you go back (speaking from experience) he won't change and they are all the same.. honestly it's like there's an abuser manual they follow.. Be safe, I had lots of help from leeway they and this site kept me sane.. x good luck and I wish you peace x Claire+3 |
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Post by TWP on Sept 3, 2014 18:04:34 GMT
Thank you Janine and Claire, your kind and words and support mean an awful lot. In hindsight I realise that I have been shouting for help for some time, checking with friends as to whether I was being unreasonable in being hurt and upset, really believing that if I did things a bit better everything would go back to the good times. I started challenging back when I realised that it did not matter what I did, the result was always the same; I was put down, blamed and insulted. He would not take responsibility for himself.
Thank you for the advice on the books, I already have 2 books from here on order. I have been to counselling before; I was abused as a child, and before I met my last partner, felt I was actually in a positive place about myself and my value. I realise now that I am not as far along as I hoped, so it may be a good idea to contact my counseller.
I have no intention of going back; I am finding it hard, but I know I can't. I would not be safe, and if I am honest, I have known I was not safe for some time. I genuinely did not expect him to go this far.
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. xx
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 3, 2014 18:28:43 GMT
Abusers can be very good at manipulating you at the start to buy into their kindness, compassion and understanding.
The book "Jerk Radar" REALLY helped me to be careful when I entered the dating world again. I also had counseling on assertiveness/self-esteem issues to be better able and set healthy boundaries, find out what my own needs really are and what my goals in romantic relationships are.
I too did NOT expect my Ex at that time to go as far as he did. It was always clear something was 'off' but I never ever expected him to throw me onto a public road during an argument or punch walls next to my face and call me all sorts of names, threatening to kill me.
It is highly traumatizing and especially if it is combined with complex childhood trauma, it can be helpful to contact a good mental health professional.
Be proud of yourself for being good to yourself and saying NO to abuse. It takes a lot...
You will heal and it will be ok again, I promise you that.
After your entire world is upside down it just takes time and healing....meditation helped me too.
One or two simple books to start are "Passage Meditation" by Eknath Easwaran and "Peace is every step" by Thich Naht Hahn.
"Invisible Heroes" by Belleruth Naparstek was of extreme value to me after I suffered from PTSD when I left him- and I did have my therapist record two "Guided Imageries" of that book. The most important one "Trauma" worked magic for me and is used by the US military for example for veterans and active members who suffer from trauma.
Belleruth Naparstek has an online shop too where you can download guided imageries. I find the price reasonable and got a few different ones with the book- she is a very experienced therapist from Chicago and the methods have been approved by the American Medical Association etc.
We are here if you need an ear and a safe place among other survivors!
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Post by thistle on Sept 4, 2014 4:58:50 GMT
Funny how otherwise intelligent and sane women (such as all of us) can tolerate these bullies, lying in our hearts about them and excusing them their obnoxious behaviour. Sometimes I think it is because we are too smart for our own good. I know in my own case, my downfall was my own pride. I thought I was way too clever to ever become the victim of domestic violence. Hah!
However, you have woken up TWP and I am so glad for you. Keep safe and cut all contact with that unworthy person.
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 4, 2014 13:16:50 GMT
Wise words thistle! I could not agree more. I used to think 'that' just happens to _____________ (insert unjustified stereotype of poverty/unemployed/other cultures/education etc.) Then I realized ok, if it happened to you- and you are the average white, middle class citizen with uni education, it probably IS happening to anyone, regardless their circumstances. In her really good TED talk Leslie Morgan Steiner talks about how she, as a Harvard graduate with a great career, NEVER EVER thought she would be the victim of abuse. I can totally see how pride/toxic shame/trauma all keep you in it, beyond what is healthy. In my case I NOW know looking back I was in a very vulnerable spot due to my family background- as great as we looked from the outside, big house in the countryside, all good grades, the perfect showcase. But inside we had my biological father who was kicked out when I was 10 months old, who drank and abused my brother and mom- and then us all for 3 years until he completely lost custody and interest. And my mother who was so occupied with finding a new mate and then putting him on top of everything-- that my brother and I both always struggled with knowing who we are, abandonment/attachment issues what love really is, what healthy boundaries and behaviors are, and how to assert ourselves and rely on ourselves - not on others to receive care, acceptance and love. If you look at us both now - you would STILL think - oh they have it made. Average good career, uni degrees- the whole thing. Deep down I know how my brother had/has endless affairs to get somehow the love he never had, he used to control his Ex a lot and is actually quite 'rude' in emotional ways with my sister in law. Not outright abusive, but he is sure a bully at times, has it his way or the highway and his communication is off the charts just down rubbish. You would never know unless you spent more time with them and are aware of the subtle things and dynamics of relationships. I think everyone in life has to learn self efficacy- and understand that it is quite simple. If it is detrimental to your health, stop doing it. Now if ONLY that was so easy!!! But there is a ton of truth in it. And nowadays I just run issues by my closest and oldest friends and/or counselor to slowly grow the boundaries I never had due to a mother who would never stop criticizing me and who was cold and abandoning. Childhood stuff really matters more than I ever thought. I used to brush it off and say to myself 'tough luck- dont we ALL have issues- just get over it" But then i realized that NO....not everyone deals with what i dealt with- and i WAS in a higher risk group to become a victim of DV due to my family history. It is a good place to be in- when you wake up, educate yourself, stop the abuse and leave the stage of the abuser. |
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Post by TWP on Sept 5, 2014 5:44:41 GMT
Janine, Thistle, thank you, this started a bigger thought process about where I come from and in a way being where I am is not a surprise, but something I had put myself beyond - be prepared for a bit of an epic. I grew up on council estates and come from a very working class family, but was always told that I could achieve anything I wanted as long as I was prepared to work hard.
My abuse as a child was sexual, and I was very young, between 6 and 8 I think. I blocked a lot of it out for many years. It stopped because I didn't like it and pushed my abuser away many times - said no. As an adult, I never felt he would be honest with me about how long it went on for, but at least he admitted it when accused. The family have been protecting him and managing his access to children ever since.
As I became an adult I felt targeted by sexually abusive and controlling men. I spend a huge amount of time saying no, and when I did let people get close, I always suffered for it, and it was always my fault because I was inadequate in some way.
I became a single parent at 17 and raised my son with the support of my family. The eating disorders started soon after the birth of my son, first anorexia and then bulimia. Despite all of this, when my son went to school I went to college then University, where despite the eating disorder and another emotionally and sexually abusive relationship there. I always found that eventually I would leave the relationship, say no, just like I had as a child.
I kept contact with my son's Dad's family, which seemed positive at the time, but eventually turned into an unhealthy relationship for me and him. If I didn't arrange for my son to visit in holidays, I was keeping him away from them, if I did, I was a bad mother and palming him off on them because I didn't want to look after him myself. I was accused of turning him against them, when in fact the only reason he was still speaking to them was because I was working hard to keep things working. It wasn't until I realised that he was blaming himself for his Dad's behaviour that I intervened in a positive manner to protect him (i.e. your Dad is not a bad person, his behaviour is bad, it is NOT you) and when his Nana started telling him lies about me that he knew were not true.
I studied hard and despite all the problems got a good degree and Phd, I found ballroom dancing (which helped tackle the symptoms of my Bulimia). The first time I genuinely payed myself a compliment was when I got the first classification for my degree. My son had problems with bullying then drugs, which were difficult to manage - he kept them secret to stop me intervening, alongside a health problem when I first started work. I went to counselling, both at University and when I had a difficult time at work, and really felt that I was in such a positive place and could finally engage in a relationship in a confident, equal manner.
I my partner was my friend and dance partner for 18 months before we got together. I thought I had got to know him. The first 2 years were great, but in hindsight they were times that I was supporting him through crises; a hip replacement operation, a fall out with the club he had been involved in for 30 years, etc. My bulimia went completely. He wasn't sexually controlling, he didn't want to know every detail of my life, he seemed to just enjoy being with me. It was only over time that the other behaviours came out; the contradictions, the verbal abuse, the telling of my faults, the projection of his own unhappiness on me. However, many of the red flags were there; how awful his mother had been, telling me about his dad's violence, how awful his previous dance partner had been, how awful those people at the club were, how they were jealous of him....
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 5, 2014 14:30:55 GMT
It is very impressive how you look back and see all the red flags and events leading up to this last relationship. I too had to do that and even though it was hard, it was the only way. Part of me wants to give you hope- I have for example met a VERY nice man a year after I left my abuser- we were good friends first and I have known him for many years now- and we spent a lot of those in an intimate relationship. He has and will never show ANY signs of abusive behavior and he restored my trust in my OWN ability to pick the right man. But before that...I did stumble form one controlling man to another, to another. It was often mostly emotional control because I do think with physical violence I would have left much sooner- and abusers know that of course. They test how much they can get away with and sloooowly insert manipulation, lies and control. It really leaves you baffled- like a train ran over you and suddenly you find yourself naked in the streets- stripped off everything you thought you had, believed in and trusted. Looking around for answers to your "Why's???'" What I am hearing is definitely a very deep complex childhood trauma due to sexual abuse you suffered from at a very young and vulnerable age. I was not (at least I do not remember) sexually abused, but emotionally and my stepfather would always put his hand on my butt just long enough to make me feel uncomfortable, when he hugged me or we took photographs. It took my therapist 5 sessions to make me understand that was 100% NOT ok. I kept excusing it with 'father-like love/affection- He did not mean it to be uncomfortable' etc...always protecting the perpetrator. It sounds like you not only endured childhood trauma due to severe sexual abuse, but you had what is often called 'secondary victimization'-- meaning the people around you who were supposed to protect and believe you and listen to you....did NOT do that. And that is the ultimate betrayal and incredibly painful and damaging to a child's soul. My therapist said he believes that even though childhood trauma matters a lot, he also believes that no matter WHAT was done to you at a young age, with the right therapy you do heal the inner hurt child, you do learn to take good care of yourself, and whatever is necessary for you personally to heal. It sounds like you did such a great job at education, taking care of your son, of finding a hobby that is fun etc. (I had to stop ballroom dancing because my stepfather always insisted on pressing his hip against mine so tight I could feel what I should not have felt -- and then tell me off if I did not like it because 'the ONLY way to dance ballroom dancing right was that way' he used to say. How I wish I could go back now, slap him inn the face in front of EVERYONE and scream: I do NOT want to feel your genitals pressed against mine. F...k off!' And then walk away. In fact if I ever do see my stepfather again and he does touch me again on my butt I WILL say something out loud and I do no longer care if it hurts HIM. Therapy is amazing... I was wondering if you ever thought about confronting the man who sexually abused you? And the people who did not believe you? Or do you feel you would rather not do that, but do your own work in therapy with an experienced counselor? You do not have to answer me, those are questions I for example asked myself when it came to 'forgiving my mother/stepfather/abusive biological father' etc. Funnily enough it was actually easier to forgive my abusive Ex boyfriend years ago, than my parents. Complex childhood trauma does run deep and I realized it was easier to let go off my anger, hurt, self harm (I too had bulimia and I would slap myself and punch my stomach) towards him-- but it was and still is at times so hard to deal with my emotions regarding my parents. I think it because a boyfriend/husband is in the end an 'outside stranger' who once came in- but he is not your primary caregiver from when you were a child and needed and trusted those around you to survive. In many ways it might be easier to distance yourself from a partner, than from a family member. It does sound like your Ex partner has a good history of being an abuser given the red flags and I am very glad you are in a safe place now. We are here for anything you might feel- leaving is hard but it really is such a personal journey that some women actually never experience that traumatic bonding- the missing him, etc. they are just SO darn glad to be out and move on with their lives, they never look back. You achieved so much and take such good care of yourself, way to go!! |
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Post by TWP on Sept 5, 2014 20:02:01 GMT
Wow, you have been on such a difficult journey, and achieved so much. Thank you for sharing with such honesty.
I have been reading the Lundy Bancroft book, and it is frightening when it is in front of you in black and white; from the excuses and myths, right the way through to the internal mindset. I recognised so much of it.
I have been back at work for a few days on shorter days, and really feeling better whilst taking in and trying to handle what is happening. I have been waiting to hear what was happening from the Police; I received the phone call this evening. He is going into the station tomorrow to speak to them.
I am now worrying about whether or not he will admit it, or whether I will have to go to court. I am worried that the photos of my injuries will not look as bad as they were. I had felt safe when he hadn't tried to contact me when I thought that he was making that choice; now I know that the police officer told him that he should not. and for some reason I feel less psychologically safe. I am wondering what 'excuses' he will find or ways to get out of it he will come up with after 5 days to think about it. Also, the blood soaked towels that he used to clean everything up will have been collected by the bin men, so only my injuries and my statement will be available as proof.....
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Post by TWP on Sept 6, 2014 16:50:32 GMT
He admitted it... and got a caution.
Apparently he was distraught at what he had done, but I have learned that it will not be enough to make him change. It is going to be tough keeping no contact, but I am going to do it.
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Post by janine on Sept 6, 2014 21:13:13 GMT
He was NOT distraught at what he had done BUT he was annoyed he got caught.
Expect anything from him now- trying to play pity party, crying, blaming, anything to shift the blame and responsibility. Had you not left and reported it, he would be abusing you right now.
It IS tough to go no contact. But it is the only way to heal and not be pulled back slowly into his control. He is not done yet.
My Ex was all sorry after the court date and asked anyone if they could give him my new number because he 'wanted to talk to me ONE last time sooo badly, he was soooo sorry, he just missed me sooo much."
Maybe write down all the things he chose to do in the past on a word document in a fitting moment. Write it ALL out. It helped me to read this as soon as my trauma was trying to make me believe 'it really was not as bad etc." and keep on working so well on your healing. You mentioned that you would go back to see a counselor, is that correct?
We are here and understand. I think about 10 days after the court date I cried to friends who helped me leave him that 'we were sooo good together blablabla'-
Now I can only shake my head and say: Trauma.
You got this!!
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Post by TWP on Sept 7, 2014 6:42:23 GMT
Thanks Janine, it is good to hear it in black and white. I felt relieved last night and am struggling this morning. When the officer told me what had happened in the interview, I could feel the normal 'forgiveness' feelings settle in, but him blaming the stress of dancing helped me challenge that intellectually, as what has that got to do with all of the verbal and emotional abuse outside of dancing?
I started trying to write some of it down yesterday; it is going to take some time to cover the 5 years, but I do need to do it. I keep remembering things and recognising red flags and abuse.
The bruises are fading, the police have done their bit, and now I am trying to pick up the pieces and I am trying to work out how to go forward in a positive way. It looks rather big and scary. The safeguarding unit here are putting me in touch with the local DV charity, who I am hoping will be able to point me to a good counselor; in hindsight, I don't think that my previous one would be suitable, as when I mentioned a previous abusive relationship, she almost dismissed it. I am worried that people won't be patient with me and expect me to just get on with it.
I am also just a little on edge as to whether he is going to try and contact me. On the one hand I think that he is waiting to see if I contact him first (a previous pattern, I would often call first after a row) and on the other hand I want him to call and make it all go away. I am not going to call him, and I am not letting him back...
I understand what you say about feeling you are so good together. Our dance coaches were rather excited about our potential, and people had such great comments for us. I am expecting a lot of comments about that. I am also aware as to how much better we could have been if the practice sessions had been focused on practice and disagreement done in a healthy manner, rather than them being about making me feel like I was useless, destroying my self esteem, and not having to take responsibility for his own development. If we got a key improvement, he would talk about when 'he worked it out', completely ignoring our coaches input, the hours in practice and coaxing from me to look at it, try it, etc. My ideas, when taken and working, were always his ideas. Or if he didn't want to agree that I was right, he would claim that he was not doing anything different and it was me.
I hadn't realised how many people were aware of his behaviour. A fellow dancer I know once came to chat to me at a competition about a year ago, and said to me that I deserved better; how did he know? I only ever saw him at competitions. A lot of people have not admitted that they could see he had a temper or he was a bully, but thought I was sticking it out to keep dancing.
If he tries to persuade me, it will be the dancing that he will try to use. I am putting feelers out for a new partner, and have told some other dancers that I trust what has actually happened, so hopefully that will help, as well as remembering all those ways he behaved.
Thank you for all the support and keeping my eyes open.... I really need it.
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Post by freya1956 on Sept 7, 2014 12:52:59 GMT
Funny how otherwise intelligent and sane women (such as all of us) can tolerate these bullies, lying in our hearts about them and excusing them their obnoxious behaviour. Sometimes I think it is because we are too smart for our own good. I know in my own case, my downfall was my own pride. I thought I was way too clever to ever become the victim of domestic violence. Hah! However, you have woken up TWP and I am so glad for you. Keep safe and cut all contact with that unworthy person. |
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Post by freya1956 on Sept 7, 2014 14:52:12 GMT
I thought that I was badly abused last year until I started dealing with the local DA after my husband forced me to have sex with him last year. My husband when he walked in to explain what happened had found my journals from 1981 on and took them in with the passages marked as to how he was treated in our marriage, The DA called his spousal rights expert in and asked her when she just read a few passages in the journal what kind of charges could be leveled at my husband and what sentence, he might get, he said he wanted me to understand what kind of damage my husband would suffer at the charge of marital rape, My husband was told to go home since he presented himself and this could be considered his availability to cooperate. I sat for the next five hours as she read through many of the entries and hen her boss came back in he said well, what do you think the charges will be, First she said she can claim sexual misconduct on her husbands part but when the jury gets these journals they might sentence her to several years, she said that there could be charges by my own admission in the journal of marital fraud, extortion, and abuse as well as conspiracy to deny her husband his civil rights. She said my father in law and many of his friends could be implicated in the conspiracy.
She said this is the maintaining of an indentured servant by use of force and blackmail. I was more than a little confused. I asked why such charges would be made against myself, my husbands father and others. She said our abuse of my husband started the day he came home from the military, she said there are many references to the arguments about his not using seniority rights, not to take vacations, holiday's jobs or shifts his seniority qualified him to take. She said at first it was trying to keep you happy in hopes you would develop a normal marriage with children. I pointed out that after sixteen years I offered to normalize our marriage if he promised to not take a job from a person with much less seniority. YOU SAW THE TROUBLE AND PAIN HE CAUSED WHEN HE TOLD ME AND HIS FATHER TO DROP DEAD ABOUT BACKING DOWN. Four men were put in critical care over that mess, and the da pulled the records up from the county we came from, He say I see after that date there were multiple complaints by your husband about people like his father and others forcing him to work with weapons. I said it was just trying to make my husband the better man. Not make other men work in his place that had families, or major plans of their own from being disrupted, His assistant said my husband might get a conviction but the jury would say that the sheriff just take my husband into custody for a minute then release him.
I made a serious mistake when I believed what his father said about, using the promise of sex to ensure my husbands cooperation, It was always assumed that my husband would just start doing what others wanted out of desperation, Now myself and his father and many people I know have a desperation to get my husband to forgive what was done over 32 years. I know of 12 men seriously hurt by my husband because they assumed he would take their insults, jibes and abuse forever. He has even become a very rude, and controlling man. He is no longer the controlled, he is out of control, Wont cooperate, tells everyone to maker him and when they try they usually end up bleeding and broken, He say in his house its his rules, if me or others don't like them the street is on the other side of the door, put our feet on it and pick a direction, His fathers face is still bruised from being backhanded in may. To of his fathers friend have permenantlly scared faces because they tried force with firearms My husband used his cane to lay their faces open to the jaw bone in a public eatery, They had forced him to back down from something at our house at gun point, His father and them just wanted to talk to me without my husband there. He told them at the house they had better kill him because he was not going to let the matter lie, but they thought they carried guns he would do nothing. He had already done something, He recorded everything on his security cams, When he was going to the state police he saw his fathers car, and went into the dinner. The first indication my husband was there was when his sister screamed and the two that held him at bay received the pueter end of his cane in their faces, leaving them face down and bleeding into their breakfast, The video file in my husbands pocket kept him out of jail. His father was again just about brained by his my husbands mother this time with her own cane, for forcing my husband to stay away. There is no forgiving what we did. he wont allow me to go any where without him now unless I am leaving him permanently, Then he says that is all I have to do is stay out of touch for six months an he can claim spousal abandonment, I would not get anything for my life if I did that.
If I stay now sex is a required part of our life. He says that is non negotiable, His father has nothing to say any more and no one else has a say in what he does, or where he goes. He choses the people we associate with, this is also non negotiable, If the association in his opinion is with what he calls the country club set they are out of the picture, He hired a lawyer to get into all accounts that are associated with me, and with the assigned guardianship took them over. Everything that his father and others thought was a way to keep my husband under control has blown up in our face, It is going to cost thousands in legal fees, if they chose to fight the civil rights charges, the weapons charges carry a very large fine.
We became so used to control we can't function on his level, We believe he started biding his time when he could do the most damage Mental fear and financial fear is now a norm in my life. If I leave its to the streets where he gaurantes I will stay.
I know we went into this with a misguided idea that because my husband was considered beneath other people he was not going to be able to cause problems. Now the terror is very real. I agreed to move 1230 miles west to where he is originally from, His mother is thinking of coming out to because this is her home area. His sister says that she is ready to get away from where we used to live, he husband can transfer to a terminal here, In other words my husband has cause a family split from his father, My mother who was always east coast with my sister and her husband took one look at this area and has moved here, Put a four bedroom modular across the road. So my mother also knows what happened.
The only thing I consider good coming out of the last year was when my husband forced me it was at the end of a very high stress period of time, I became pregnant by my husband at a very late age. Seeing my husband with a son he will never see grow up see because of stupid ideas about what society requires of people like my husband he lost a part of his life he was entitled to. I still here from my father in law with his rants about how my husband started the downfall of the society everyone was happy with where we lived, I am finding if the society was inclusive of all and fair it might have withstood my husbands revolt. it seems most of the people there always thought my husband was abused.
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You are making the right choice I promise.. have you looked at the wheel of control/abuse? I think you may find it eye opening.. Take some help and support, getting out of a abusive relationship is the hardest thing I've ever done. Jeannie is so right, no contact.. it's like a drug and he will try and get you hooked again using all he knows about you.. if you have no contact he can't draw you back in..It only gets worse if you go back (speaking from experience) he won't change and they are all the same.. honestly it's like there's an abuser manual they follow..