Hello to All, Yesterday I met with an outreach worker from Womens Aid, this was the first time I have and really the first time I have freely opted to and spoken to someone about the domestic violence. Its become my dirty big secret, and somehow overtime and with help from its owner, I have twisted the reality of it and concluded that I am the monster, derserving of everything bad, and that it wasnt really as severe as im been told etc etc. Social services called a child protection meeting regarding my son and consequently he was put on the list to safeguard him from the DV. Whilst we didnt cohabit, he lives only minutes away and we saw eahcother regularly, he professed, for our sons sake. So for the last 24months at least ive been caught up in the chaotic whirlwind that was him and his insults (subtle) malicious nature (disguised with many masks), controlling manipulative behaviour and thrills he got from humiliating me and instilling fear. Being attached to an array of intense emotions, all varying in degree but all felt strongly and often simultaeneously was my normality far from normal. As of 19th Nov he has no contact with our son, I finally got the courage to do what should have been done from the start, (the advice of Social Services). I actively bidding on properties to relocate and hope to rebuild my life...... He started to stalk me on 21stNov, whistling in garden at 2am in shadows etc all subtle, devious psychological things. Heres to moving!! God Bless All
Im shackled in the chains made from the way that I think, Long long chains each belief its own link, Choosing to accept all that goes against me, Refusing to use the tools of knowledge to see, My higher self constantly ignored and denied Self esteem set sail and took with it my pride, So lost and alone its cold this here skin, Burdens are heavy but im not giving in, I Am the creator of this life my own existence, My decisions allowing forgiveness of self or resistance Only I can change this horrible mess, That cant be done if i sit and digress, Gratitude and appreciation are part of my day, So too is God who I thank when I pray
Im not sure if my posts are appropriate, Im sorry if they are wrong or posted in wrong place
Hey you, first please let me say your posts are completely appropriate and you are in the right place. I hope you find a new home soon and if you have a restraining order on your ex you can call the police every time you catch him stalking you. Document in a book what he does and record/have witnesses if he approaches you. The authorities need proof if you want their protection (sadly)
I strongly recommend the no contact rule. Anything that needs to be communicated can be done via the official channels. You do not have to expose yourself to further abuse from your ex. It takes time and a lot of healing but I for example changed my email, my phone number etc. and it was freeing to not offer any ground for contact with him. Reach out to DV shelters and hotlines for help with anything practical and please know we ALL felt like "maybe it wasnt as bad- maybe we were at fault too- maybe something IS wrong with us, after all we caused this too, didnt we?"
The answer is always the same: NO. It is NOT your fault. It never was your fault. He is abusive, he always was, always will be. Deep down you know that too. And it helps to get professional support from a therapist and reading up on stockholme syndrome/post traumatic stress as you have been through a lot it seems.
Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the love and appreciation and pamper yourself these days. Now it's your time and you claimed your life back. That is such a gift to yourself!! It's a long road and I know how hard it is to believe the following sentence- but it is true:
It will be ok. YOU will be ok. Keep moving forwards, keep educating yourself about abuse....enjoy life as much as you can now that nobody is there to out you down anymore. He never took your inner core and who you really are from you.
So glad you found this forum as it has been such a huge support for me in the past.