Post by amyamy12 on Aug 27, 2014 14:00:03 GMT
Sorry if this post is long, I just need some good advice and someone to talk to.
I have been out of my abusive relationship for coming up two years now which is why I have finally decided to talk to someone as it is still affecting me and I just want to forget.
I often felt as if my partner wasn't actually abusing me because we were both so young- I thought domestic abuse only happened to older people. I think this is where a lot of the denial came from which allowed me to make excuses for his behaviour.
I was 13 when I entered the relationship and 16 when I finally plucked up the courage to leave. I know this is way too young, I was too young to stand up for myself and since it was my first relationship, I didn't know when the boundaries were being crossed. The abuse was never really physical, he went to hit me on a handful of occasions but always managed to swerve his fist and miss me or did it so lightly it never really hurt me. I guess that annoyed me more knowing he actually could control his actions, just decided not to.
He manipulated me on a daily basis, I wasn't allowed to see my friends and even tried to stop me from going out for the day with my mum. I had to keep in contact with him constantly and if I turned up to see him wearing makeup he would ignore me because he thought other guys would look at me. Facebook was regularly checked and there was hell to pay if I'd spoken to any guy friends. Then there were the arguments, usually about things like I just mentioned but would turn into him screaming insults at me and he often ending up hurting himself with headbutting or punching things which scared me.
He also used to manipulate me with other girls, he used to send texts to me on purpose that were actually for other girls to try and make me jealous and i am almost certain he did cheat on me at some point in the 3 years we were together.
My problem now is that I am in an amazingly loving relationship, my current boyfriend has never once raised his voice to me and respects all the decisions I make but I simply cant talk to him about what's happened. We've never really talk about past relationships (I joked once and said my ex is a bit of an idiot but that was a big understatement) so I think he'd feel awkward if I brought it up now- a good year after getting together.
Sometimes I feel teary and completely crap about myself, I feel like I have no value and that I cant do anything right but when he asks what's wrong I just blame it on hormones etc because its too hard to explain what's going through my head.
I was wondering if people who have gone through things similar can give me tips on coping and building up my self esteem? I'm sorry if i'm rambling but this is the first time i have opened up completely and it just sort of all came out. thanks everyone xx