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Post by claire+3 on Aug 24, 2014 9:25:09 GMT
Dear all,
My 6 year old step daughter confided in her father that her mother's current partner is hitting mummy and making her cry.. This man also shouted so aggressively at my 3 year old step son that he pooped himself  ..
I come from a dv history so knew to say its not her fault that mummy is being bullied and its wrong. We've also added that sd should always talk to her grown ups..
Our problem is this man has encouraged the children's mother to stop contact many times and we've been through a long court battle to keep the contact. He has attacked their father on 2 occasions in front of the children and police were called.. Sadly the mother backed her boyfriend and did nth see it being a problem for the kids at that point.
I can see she's starting to realise he's abusing her by some comments made to kids dad this weekend. How do we help? I'm very concerned about the three of them how to help?.. the father is going to have a quiet word with the children's grandmother on handover. Do we contact the police or school, what if he hurts them more and we've not done enough..
What if we push her further towards him? I had no one to help me and I love these kiddies please any advice or thoughts welcome..
Wishing you all peace x Claire+3
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 24, 2014 14:03:20 GMT
Hey Claire,
I would say you could report this to child protective services and/or the police- if anything they have to make a note in a file or at least investigate some more.
To understand it right-- you are married to their biological father, right?
And their mother is your husband's ex-wife and she now is dating an abusive boyfriend?
This would then give your husband definitely the right to report this abuse. I feel very bad for the kids- sadly this happens in every country and every social circle all over the world way too often. They must be in bad need for some good child psychotherapy and my heart goes out to the 3 year old who was so scared he relieved himself -- that is a HUGE sign of fear and anxiety.
Thank you for caring about them-- do what you can, do not give up. Tell them at every occasion you can it is not their fault and that they can always talk to you and you BELIEVE them. That is a big one. In abusive families lies and cognitive dissonance are one of the worst things for a child to make sense of.
Let us know what child protective services, the police and also maybe a shelter told you on the phone. They all should give you concrete tips on the exact legal situation in your place, city and country.
I hope their mother chooses the safety and healthy of her kids over the abuser.
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Post by claire on Aug 24, 2014 14:37:27 GMT
Thank you, they are going back tonight but into their grandmother's house for overnight so at least if we tell her she may help. Yes you got the family bit correct. My own daughter's were abused along with me by my youngest father.. they now self harm and both have mental health problems.. I would spare my step children this pain.. being the step mom means I have no say but my husband is beside himself with worry.. I will make sure someone in the services is contacted and yes I hope their mum chooses them! I will keep you up to date and thanks again, I saw your post about abusive family so I know you see it from both angles..
X Claire+3
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 24, 2014 14:58:48 GMT
That is really all you can do Claire- show the stepkids you care and stay safe along the way yourself. My father was abusive and my mother left him- it did leave scars on my brother who got years of the worst abuse, both emotionally and physically. My brother turned it around for the best and has a great career, loving family and is very happy himself- but it took a long time for him to get there....
Getting away from an abuser is worth it. No matter who the abuser is and no matter how impossible it seems.
Thank you for caring about your stepchildren!!
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 24, 2014 15:23:50 GMT
Hey Claire,
If you are in the USA, you can call this national hotline too:
"If you ever need to talk or get support, I encourage you to give us a call (1-800-799-7233). Our hotline is available 24/7 and is completely anonymous and confidential. You can also reach out to ChildHelp (1-800-422-4453), which is a hotline for people dealing with child abuse. They also talk to adult survivors and are anonymous/confidential."
I guess even if you do not live in the USA, a call to the childhelp hotline might give you more ideas and support and resources they know of, that apply to your country of residence. It is always good to reach directly out to the professionals who are up to date with latest legal changes etc.
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Post by claire on Aug 24, 2014 16:46:16 GMT
Thanks, we are in the UK I've found a number we can call on Tuesday. As my sd hasn't said he hurt either child just that they are upset and frightened. It's a bank holiday this weekend here so everything is shut unless emergency. They are now going to spend a couple of nights with nanny and aunt so we have a breather.. I'm frustrated that we can't help the mum more but I think it may put her in danger if my husband is talking direct to her. This man has tried so very hard to eradicate husband from their lives.. you know the story, also talked her into hating and distrusting me. Hopefully the grandma can talk to mum direct and we can arrange some support for the children at least if she's not ready
To be honest I've been saying all along that I don't like this man, he put up the hair on my neck and I just knew he was bad news.. All the red flags have been raised and my poor husband thought I was over reacting and now blames himself for not seeing earlier..
X Claire+3
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 24, 2014 18:20:48 GMT
Yeah I bet you had a good gut feeling about him the first time around- let's hope the other family members can help you to be a support to the kids and that the official helplines can help as well....
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Post by claire+3 on Sept 1, 2014 19:52:21 GMT
Hey, just an update.. my husband has been in touch with some mutual friends who report they have been unable to contact his ex wife as she tells them she's too busy ( the code she told my husband for her partner listening).. we've had no luck getting any with any of the contacts we've tried to report it further. Tomorrow my husband will email his daughter's headmistress as school starts again in 2 days. I'm really hoping by putting it in writing the school will have to report it and then it will be taken seriously.. I'm appalled by how difficult it's made to help.. our society continues to condone the abuse by ignoring it.. I stopped keeping quiet about my DVD experiences years ago but no one wants to hear..#disgusted
X Claire+3
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Post by claire+3 on Sept 6, 2014 18:10:41 GMT
She left him! The children are safe with us. The police were involved, I just hope she takes help and manages to stay out. Children's services said they couldn't help as no evidence. Hopefully everyone is on board now to help them. Thanks for reading x Claire+3
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janine
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Post by janine on Sept 6, 2014 21:14:16 GMT
Thanks for the update claire!! That sounds like one step in the right direction. The kids will grow up one day and ask who helped when they were abused behind closed doors.
You helped and you continue to help. well done! Keep us updated how things are going!
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