I dread weekends?

I dread weekends? Aug 23, 2014 22:37:28 GMT via mobile

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Post by S on Aug 23, 2014 22:37:28 GMT

I have tried to post here several times but always end up erasing it. But I just have to let off steam somehow. I dread the weekends so much and I have for a year. My husband is such a passive aggressive mean person toward me. It's still hard for me to label it as abuse, but that is exactly what it is. He is so perfect to everyone else. Everyone tells me how lucky I am but then again they have no idea of the price I pay for all that I have. But that is a long story and I can't seem to find it in me yet to get it all out. So, I start with right now, Saturday. Thursday he tries to hug me and I flinched and got stiff and he asks 'what's wrong?' With his smug little laugh. So, I decided to tell the truth. 'Well. You ignore me for weeks and all of a sudden you want to touch me? I'm a little freaked out by it. It's weird.' So he sighs and huffs and of course, I know by the way he does it, that it means that it's my fault that I feel weird. Let me back up to why he is feeling smug. Wednesday after work. I had a horrible day at work, did not sleep the night before but maybe 2.5 hours. The kids had after school activities and it was already 6:30 pm. So I suggest we just pick up dinner. Then he says, 'no. Why?'So I say bc I had a horrible day and I am tired and I don't want to have to clean up and I can go to bed earlier. He sighs and huffs, and says 'I guess I'll make it. There's no reason to spend money on eating out tonight.' All this in front of the kids. And they just are so used to it that it makes me sad. So I make dinner anyway bc if I don't it is another thing he can say that I don't do and I am a bad mom for not wanting to take care of my family. (Yes. I know it's crazy but I hear it all the time. I am so angry that I still allow his programming to make me do things) So the night goes on and he ignores me like always, but is so perfect with the kids and then we go to bed. Oh yeah, he always says goodnight and a peck on the cheek, bc he is the perfect husband. And then he turns over. So now the next morning for it to start all over. He also always says goodbye in front of the kids and gives me fake cheek kiss. Even after he just told me I have no idea how to be responsible bc I forgot to set my alarm and got up late. But he was up on time and thankfully HE woke the kids up bc HE is perfect. So now we are back home after work and the kids practices, but this day it is only 5:30. In front of the kids, he announces: ' I think you should take the kids to get their last few school supplies that they need. Then I can pick us up some dinner since it will be late.' ( school has only been back jn session a few days.) Now. This may not seem like a big deal to some. But in my life, he does this to me on purpose. He's admitted it before. We can't pick up dinner when I want it, but if HE suggests it, then it's OK. And the kids don't know this is the way it is. So when I say... No, maybe we should eat in since we are home earlier than usual. And he knew I had thawed and marinated chicken just for dinner. The kids get upset. So then it becomes my fault and I'm the bad guy. Mind you, he had said the day before that we shouldn't spend the money. We have absolutely no money woes. This is my I am crazy but don't know why intense life. So now he feels smug and tries to hug me bc he knows he won. So I say what I said, and he leaves to the other room. And... Ignores me when I go and try to ask about the schedule for tomorrow, Friday. Then that night in bed he decides to not ignore me, but tries to hold me. I let him, bc I am tired and I don't want to argue. So then he tries to kiss me, and he can tell I am tense. He asks why. I decide to tell the truth. Bc you ignore me all the time and it feels weird. So... He gets his huff and sigh in and... turns and ignores me again. I'm used to it by now but it still hurts. Friday morning. We go about the day. He he's off work at noon in Fridays. His office is a block from mine. I've often asked eh he won't take me to lunch. He says he doesn't ever know what his schedule his so he can't plan it. I have called lots of time a and tried to make plans Friday mornings, but I am always turned down. I get home, and find out he had lunch with a friend. Wow. As usual, I make excuses in my head. He ignored me all evening and didn't even talk to me at all. I can't even try to talk to him bc it does no good. He uses the kids as our wall and his excuse. But he's the perfect dad. So all of this is a small sample of why I hate Saturdays, and having to feel crazy and tense all weekend. And today, Saturday, I am feeling even more crazy bc I am so frustrated by what happened and so mad that I am in this situation. And because I feel crazy and maybe it's all in my head. He is smug again bc he got up early, and he always does and gets mad at me and the kids bc we are not up early and doing what he thinks we should be doing. But he never says this. I know bc he has told me so many times before though. I always have to be doing what he thinks I should be doing. If I want to spend anytime on myself, I am selfish. I am so paralyzed by the chaos in my head that I can't do anything. Much less anything up to his standards. I am so sorry this is so long. Maybe it makes no sense at all. Now that I have typed this all out I don't even know if I should post it bc maybe I am making it all up in my head. But oh well. Just needed to get something out, somehow. So I dread weekends bc I have no break from it all until Monday. I know this isn't normal but I am just now realizing it has a name and that I may not be crazy after all.

I dread weekends? Aug 24, 2014 2:17:53 GMT

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Post by janine on Aug 24, 2014 2:17:53 GMT

Hey S and welcome here,

Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share a bit of your concerns about your husband's behavior with us. I would like to say from the first time reading it, I can already detect many warning signs or 'red flags' that signal he is using emotional abuse to control you and put you down.

You are NOT crazy and you do NOT make this all up in your mind.
You are NOT overly sensitive.

The technique he uses mostly it seems is called "stone walling" or "silent treatment" and to be honest- I believe it is one of the MOST cruel emotional abuses you can endure as a wife or girlfriend of an abuser. It leaves you guessing and going over it, again and again, because it makes NO sense. But you might feel it is your fault or your shame, when really...it is HIS choice of abuse to get what he wants and to drive you crazy.

Using your kids is also a classical approach- after all any mother would want her kids to feel safe and loved and keep the family together.

If you want to read more about abuse and emotional crazymaking- read a book we all highly recommend called "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.
Bancroft is a very experienced therapist and writes about his 30 plus years of experience working with abused woman and their abusive men.

Has he always been a bit like this or has this gradually changed?
You could state one time clearly: "You ignore me and this is called silent treatment. It is a form of emotional abuse and I do not accept it and I will not let you do this anymore to me. Now you know it hurts me. The next time you choose to apply it, you choose to hurt me knowingly and willingly. I am asking you to go to couple's therapy with me so we can improve our communication and marriage. This is no way for me to live and it does not create a happy and healthy environment for our children and ourselves."

See what he does then. If he is interested in working on things by involving a qualified professional- maybe there is hope.
If he is a full-blown abuser though, you can ask and beg and wait for the next ten years. They do not change. The put-downs and subtle criticism wear you down and make you think YOU are the insane one in the end.

You do not deserve this and it is NOT your fault.
A good husband lifts his wife up. He stands by her as a partner to raise kids together- and he lays his plans for the day open so that both can be prepared for what is ahead. A good husband also makes it possible to have lunch with his wife every now and then- if he has his office so close to hers and can manage to do so with his schedule.

Nobody should be married and forced to live with someone who turns out to be a depressing enemy or at least a depressing -heavy burden inside your own home.
Life is just too precious and too short for that.

If he does not agree to go to counseling, I highly recommend you to go. Read up on "warning signs of bad therapists" to get an idea how to pick the right therapist. Generally we say "if it feels right, it is right." You will be able to tell from session one onward if you leave your counselor's office feeling lighter and understood and supported, or if you might want to change therapists until you find the right one.

There are also more books and articles (on our website too) about emotional abuse.

To me, the emotional abuse is so hard. It destroys you slowly and hurts. Yet, you have NO blue bruises or broken arms to show to people. Sometimes their game is so well planned and manipulative, that you start to ask yourself if maybe YOU need to just relax and be more thankful.

You would be on a website about abuse, had you not had VALID reasons to question his choice of behavior towards you.

Post by S on Aug 23, 2014 22:37:28 GMT

Post by janine on Aug 24, 2014 2:17:53 GMT

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