Post by Obsidian on Aug 13, 2014 21:29:17 GMT
Hello everyone. I hope it ok to post here. Its a bit long.
I've been in a relationship with a man who I believe has Narcissistic Personality Disorder for the past 4 and a half years. Typically it started out great, more than great, he was everything I ever dreamed of. He employed my teenagers in his business, treated me like a queen and did lots of practical things at my home (which he just moved into of his own accord. I didn't stop him, why on earth would I?) Anyway to cut a long story short all the usual NPD things happened, he took over my life and drove most of my friends away (they all found him too intense) he then fell out with my teenagers one by one until he had isolated me from them and almost everyone. The first violence happened about 9 months in. The police were called (by my son) but I didn't press charges. That was one huge mistake.
Since then he has assaulted me twice more, the second time the CPS took it out of my hands and set a trial date. I went No contact for a fortnight, but he started working on me despite the restraining order. I had no-one to help me withstand the charming man I loved. I had 3 months of candlelit dinners in expensive restaurants, nights in B & B's, holidays, presents, everything, until I really believed my charming man was back for good and I dropped the charges. Things were great, for a while. In the last 2 years he has resorted frequently to the foul and unexpected temper tantrums, lies, cheating, manipulation, cruelty, unreliability, you know the score. We do not live together but that means I get abandoned a lot and spend far far too much time on my own. I can't eat or sleep or barely function when I'm 'dropped' like this, I'm a shaking bag of paranoid nerves.
He has had a customer for about 9 months (he's a builder) and I realised he was growing a relationship with her. I called him out on it at Christmas. He denied it emphatically and called me paranoid. I decided it was over. Again, within 3 days he drew me back in.
About a month ago he didn't turn up for tea as he's arranged with me, didn't answer my texts or even read them, he stayed out all night.
We met the next day, I directly asked him if he had slept with her, he coldly admitted it. I told him it was over. He told me he was only using her for her business contacts. FFS! He left to go to her house. I text her and told her that he was a liar if he'd told her we were not together.
I bumped into her the next day, told her what he was, what he was doing to us both. She said he had claimed me and him had been over for at least a year and were just 'mates'. She said they had not had a fun evening the previous day after my text. She had taken issued with him over it. No doubt he tried to cover it with lies.
I tried, again, to get on with my life. But he came back for me again, charmed me, cried, apologised. I really thought he had changed. Within a fortnight he assaulted me again, this time in front of friends. The police were called, but I withdrew my statement 2 days later as I couldn't bear 3 more months of 'this charming fake man' which is what would have happened. The police have a TAU (treat as urgent) tag on my address and I'm on an 'at risk' register. This was about three weeks ago. He has been fairly level since then.
Until tonight. He has still been doing work at her house and is very open about it, and comes home at the end of the day at a sensible time covered in builders filth so I know he has been working. He often has a labourer with him too. He is annoyed that he has to finish the job for free (as he promised) and I think annoyed with me that I exposed him to her and screwed up his manipulation. However she is using him too of course, She can't complete the building project he started without him. Stupidly I allowed him to start a major project for me too which he now has power over.
Anyway tonight he told me he was going out for dinner unexpectedly with an old friend who is visiting the area. I do not believe him for one minute. I know he is with her. Probably trying to draw her back in.
But, and here's the thing, I am not going to sit here feeling sad or paranoid or sorry for myself. I am not going to give him the satisfaction. I am not going to react. This is where I have failed in the past. Instead I have been reading things online, other peoples stories, resources etc, and strangely this seems to be making me feel less vulnerable. He will pop up tomorrow and be all nice and helpful to me. I absolutely know that. I need to stay calm and detached and remember that there is no hope, this is simply a cycle and I am backing out slowly. I recognise the co-dependency he has created in me, and I must take control of it.
Tonight I am in a calm and strong place, which is why I've found the strength to post this. I've lurked before but always when I've been 'dropped' , I felt so sick, shaky, confused and helpless that nothing coherent would come out of my keyboard. This forum seems to be so honest and supportive.
I hope it was ok to post this here, I'm hoping that now I've actually written it all down I will have to admit it, and if I ever I feel myself weakening I can come back and read it. I've no real idea how I'm going to get out of this relationship, but I do know that I have to do it day by day and back away slowly.
Sorry that was so long
xx
I've been in a relationship with a man who I believe has Narcissistic Personality Disorder for the past 4 and a half years. Typically it started out great, more than great, he was everything I ever dreamed of. He employed my teenagers in his business, treated me like a queen and did lots of practical things at my home (which he just moved into of his own accord. I didn't stop him, why on earth would I?) Anyway to cut a long story short all the usual NPD things happened, he took over my life and drove most of my friends away (they all found him too intense) he then fell out with my teenagers one by one until he had isolated me from them and almost everyone. The first violence happened about 9 months in. The police were called (by my son) but I didn't press charges. That was one huge mistake.
Since then he has assaulted me twice more, the second time the CPS took it out of my hands and set a trial date. I went No contact for a fortnight, but he started working on me despite the restraining order. I had no-one to help me withstand the charming man I loved. I had 3 months of candlelit dinners in expensive restaurants, nights in B & B's, holidays, presents, everything, until I really believed my charming man was back for good and I dropped the charges. Things were great, for a while. In the last 2 years he has resorted frequently to the foul and unexpected temper tantrums, lies, cheating, manipulation, cruelty, unreliability, you know the score. We do not live together but that means I get abandoned a lot and spend far far too much time on my own. I can't eat or sleep or barely function when I'm 'dropped' like this, I'm a shaking bag of paranoid nerves.
He has had a customer for about 9 months (he's a builder) and I realised he was growing a relationship with her. I called him out on it at Christmas. He denied it emphatically and called me paranoid. I decided it was over. Again, within 3 days he drew me back in.
About a month ago he didn't turn up for tea as he's arranged with me, didn't answer my texts or even read them, he stayed out all night.
We met the next day, I directly asked him if he had slept with her, he coldly admitted it. I told him it was over. He told me he was only using her for her business contacts. FFS! He left to go to her house. I text her and told her that he was a liar if he'd told her we were not together.
I bumped into her the next day, told her what he was, what he was doing to us both. She said he had claimed me and him had been over for at least a year and were just 'mates'. She said they had not had a fun evening the previous day after my text. She had taken issued with him over it. No doubt he tried to cover it with lies.
I tried, again, to get on with my life. But he came back for me again, charmed me, cried, apologised. I really thought he had changed. Within a fortnight he assaulted me again, this time in front of friends. The police were called, but I withdrew my statement 2 days later as I couldn't bear 3 more months of 'this charming fake man' which is what would have happened. The police have a TAU (treat as urgent) tag on my address and I'm on an 'at risk' register. This was about three weeks ago. He has been fairly level since then.
Until tonight. He has still been doing work at her house and is very open about it, and comes home at the end of the day at a sensible time covered in builders filth so I know he has been working. He often has a labourer with him too. He is annoyed that he has to finish the job for free (as he promised) and I think annoyed with me that I exposed him to her and screwed up his manipulation. However she is using him too of course, She can't complete the building project he started without him. Stupidly I allowed him to start a major project for me too which he now has power over.
Anyway tonight he told me he was going out for dinner unexpectedly with an old friend who is visiting the area. I do not believe him for one minute. I know he is with her. Probably trying to draw her back in.
But, and here's the thing, I am not going to sit here feeling sad or paranoid or sorry for myself. I am not going to give him the satisfaction. I am not going to react. This is where I have failed in the past. Instead I have been reading things online, other peoples stories, resources etc, and strangely this seems to be making me feel less vulnerable. He will pop up tomorrow and be all nice and helpful to me. I absolutely know that. I need to stay calm and detached and remember that there is no hope, this is simply a cycle and I am backing out slowly. I recognise the co-dependency he has created in me, and I must take control of it.
Tonight I am in a calm and strong place, which is why I've found the strength to post this. I've lurked before but always when I've been 'dropped' , I felt so sick, shaky, confused and helpless that nothing coherent would come out of my keyboard. This forum seems to be so honest and supportive.
I hope it was ok to post this here, I'm hoping that now I've actually written it all down I will have to admit it, and if I ever I feel myself weakening I can come back and read it. I've no real idea how I'm going to get out of this relationship, but I do know that I have to do it day by day and back away slowly.
Sorry that was so long
xx
