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Post by butterfly22 on Aug 6, 2014 18:19:38 GMT
Ive been with my boyfriend over a year, hes charming loving and generous...most of the time...
Hes minapulative, aggressive, threatening, abusive verbally and physically, controlloling and many other factors..
Hes pulled my hair, beat me with a belt, hit me, bitten me, grabbed me by the throat....hes nasty, demanding, dont trust me, controls me me by minapulating me...
Ive isolated myself n fpund myself scared of him and having to lie to him to keep him happy and i walk on eggshells very often...
I get so confused coz at times i feel its my fault by back chatting him or standing up for my right of freedom...he pays for everything and can be loving n very complimentary, the atracks usually happen when he dont get his own way i back talk or try to stand up for myself...
Hes says he will change and been councilling once but give up after saying he cant afford it although he earns very good money...
He makes me do illegal things n belittles me and threatens me if i try to disagree to join in with these activities..
Is it my fault? is he really ever going to change? is this abuse?
Im not really happy
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janine
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Admin
Posts: 1,185 
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Post by janine on Aug 6, 2014 18:34:12 GMT
Hey butterfly22 and welcome here,
YES, this is very serious domestic violence and abuse. Everything you described above is abuse without a doubt.
He actually sounds like an abuser who goes from charming and nice to very violent very fast if you have only been dating him for one year. Some abusers wait a good amount of time before they become more and more abusive.
I encourage you to call a domestic violence hotline while he is at work. But use a SAFE phone and a SAFE internet connection- delete your browser history as well. Abusers often stalk and control what internet sites you visit and what numbers you call.
It is NOT your fault and NO, abusers NEVER change. There is nothing you can do to change him or make him stop his abuse.
He enjoys it. He chooses it.
He wants you to be scared and believe it is 'love'- because then he can use and abuse you as much as he wants.
There is a ton of good stuff to read about abuse on our website, but talking to a DV hotline is also very helpful. You can also contact a local DV shelter, they can offer you free counseling, group counseling, help you with housing, work, money, legal help...whatever you need should the abuse get too bad. Of course calling the police if he does attack you is the best way to get immediate safety.
Stay safe, listen to your gut. He sounds like a very aggressive abuser and I am concerned about your safety.
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Post by butterfly22 on Aug 6, 2014 19:19:45 GMT
His ex gf of 8 years even said he was the same with her...but i cant seem to distance myself from the good and the bad in him, i end up believing he will change once he grows up, his dad (although he never witnessed it himself) was violent to his mum, his dad seems to be different now...
Ive spoken with dv helplines and a local helper but im still scared of missing out on the person he could be and can be....
The atracks are now less but still aggressive, controlling untrusting of me...
I go on holiday soon or am supposed to be but im scared of being unhappy, getting abuse, getting unwell in the suns heat and him neglecting my needs to feel well and then in turn getting angry if i dont want to go do things he wants to do..
How do i seperate them feelings of believing he is a good person all though deep down he isnt?
my friends all say to me if im gonna put up withit i need to learn to bite my lip n do what it takes to make him happy? is that really what i should do?
i wanna get away but im afraid of losing someone who at times can be my best friend
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Post by alisay on Aug 6, 2014 19:46:53 GMT
Hi Butterfly22,
You cannot help him. Only a professional psychologist or counselor could help him and most of the time even they cannot do anything.
You can only help yourself. You deserve a life without pain and fear, not only in the few moments when he is not angry.
I do not think that your friends are giving you a good advice. Nobody deserves ever to be abused, or to have to "bite her lip and do what it takes to make him happy". he is not biting his lips and making you happy at all, so why should you?
I would suggest that you should contact a DV hotline as soon as you can, if it is safe for you, and talk with them. They should be able to give you options and then you can decide calmly what to do.
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janine
Member
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Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Aug 6, 2014 19:50:52 GMT
If a friend of yours were to tell you her boyfriend treats her this way, what would you say to her? Or think about it?
Especially when you know the Ex girlfriend of many years reports the same abuse.
He IS the person you see. That is all he can be because he wants to be this way. He chooses to be nice at times so that you do not run away.
The periods when he is 'nice' are his way of making sure you keep a liiiiittle bit of hope, just enough to make you believe if only you work hard enough, if only you love him enough, if only you show him how much he could change....that THEN things change
They do not. Ever.
But you believe it because after having experienced this traumatic abuse, you experience 'traumatic bonding'- and your brain tries to make sense of something that does not make sense. Read the book I recommended above- it has tons of answers to all your questions.
I was in the same boat years ago- it takes time to really understand that you are in denial, rationalize the abuse away and hope it was all just you being 'overly sensitive' and after all...'all couples have issues'-- that is what I used to tell myself until the abuse got too bad to stay.
Love and best friendship is NOT what this man chooses to do to you. It is abuse and cruel. It will not change.
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Post by butterfly22 on Aug 6, 2014 20:14:18 GMT
Thanks, i need to find some strength i find myself wish n wanting to provoke another attack to give me a reason to leave but im too scared and know i probably wont leave...is that normal?
ive also found myself saying nasty things to him n not wanting to please hisneeds in an attempt to push him away coz i feel why should i slave over him when he talks to me like crap n hurts me....
I feel guilty too bout leaving him before holiday he booked for us coz it will cost him alot to cancel it but i really dont want to go...not with him on ourown
I feel like im going crazy
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janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Aug 6, 2014 20:26:59 GMT
It is very normal and ok to feel whatever you are feeling.
You are the victim here and you did not cause him to be abusive. We understand that leaving is hard- staying is too!
If you cannot find the strength or right moment right now - today or tomorrow, or even next month, then don't. You will know when the time is right.
Just know if you do want to leave, it is possible. And you don't have to be alone in this.
We care and so do many, many others. Shelters and DV hotlines have amazing, free resources. Counselors out there love to help and guide you through the tough separation time. Even if you had no job, no money, no home, no education- they still offer to pick you up for free, help you train, help you find a job and housing and support you emotionally.
Domestic violence is very real. It happens to many women of all sorts of places and jobs and backgrounds.
For now you seem very aware of the fact what he does and how you feel. That is such a great start! And you are very brave for sharing it with us!
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Post by butterfly22 on Aug 6, 2014 23:01:08 GMT
I think im becoming alot more aware of the 'cycle' of abuse now, ive become that aware that the honeymoon phase the hardest coz i know its fake and built upon lies n control....
Ijust cant break free, fear of getting a worse bf or missing the abuse because i feel so dependant on him now thats all i know...
Im going away for a night tomoro to seemy son(hes not happybout this thinks im up to knpw good etc...) want to try asking for a break n to cancel the holiday but icant do it to his face in case of anger n if i do it thrpugh text he will talk me round then get angry when i go home the next day....
What is best in this? just leave and not look back?
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Post by alisay on Aug 7, 2014 4:36:39 GMT
Leaving without looking back is the best solution for cases of abuse, specially when your safety is at stake.
You do not owe him anything, not even an explanation. Anything that he has ever given you, he has taken from you tenfold.
Be strong and know that, whatever you decide to do, you can always find support here.
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Post by butterfly22 on Aug 7, 2014 8:02:48 GMT
I really hope i find the strength to do it
Hes being sweet and charming knowing that im going away last night he could tell something was up asked me in a nice way whats wrong this evenong are u ok...usually if im on edge around him he tells me hes sick of me etc..
Hes also charmed hisway round me by saying he will take me shopping at the weekend and out etc he takes me out alot
What i dont get is if he dont love me and really is this monster why is he so loving sometimes
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Post by butterfly22 on Aug 7, 2014 8:07:22 GMT
The other issue i have is that at the beginning he used to mess around go out all the time have twitter n message girls etc n when i left him he deleted all of these and has as far i know stopped all the contact with other girls and wantsto be with me all the time..
Is that all part of his controlling ways?
does he not go out now coz then it makes me feel guilty for wanting to go out or does he actually stay in and stay off social media coz he can change and be good
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Post by alisay on Aug 7, 2014 9:10:51 GMT
Yes, it is a way of controlling you. He does not go out to "stay with you" and that is a double way of control: First he is there all the time and can control what you do constantly. Second he tells you that he does it for you, even if he is doing it because he wants to and you did not ask him to do it, and he makes you feel falsely obliged to him.
My sister constantly does things "for others", but it is only what she wants to do in the first place. For example, she invites me for lunch almost every Sunday. However, I work the whole week and have to travel, so I arrive at home only on Friday evening. I only have 2 days to be with my daughter and organize a weekend for us. I am in contact with my daughter every evening and my sister is there too many times, but she never tells me what she is planning. She waits until Saturday afternoon to tell me that I have to go for lunch the next day and forces me to change my plans. If I try to tell her that I had other plans, she tells me that she has already bought the food, making me feel guilty. If I insist that I am not going to change my plans now, she accuses me of being selfish and an ingrate because she "did it for me". If I try to tell her that she should inform me before making any plans without consulting me, she becomes aggressive, yells at me and claims that I do not love or respect her.
It is a controlling strategy. If you are really doing something for someone else you do not demand later that they pay the bill. You get a "thank you" and forget about it. That is normal. The other behavior is abnormal.
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Post by butterfly22 on Aug 7, 2014 12:35:53 GMT
Cant wait til i finally leave, fed up of this anxiety of having to lie to keep him happy and walking on eggshells...
I want my life back now
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