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Post by Evie on Aug 6, 2014 8:52:36 GMT
Hi, I'm new here. I was just assaulted by my boyfriend of 18 months. We have had fights in the past where he pushed and shoved. Once he grabbed my wrist really hard, but he let go right away. He was always very apologetic. I have come close to leaving him in the past, but he convinced me every time that I was overreacting.
This morning, we found out a good friend of his was killed. He wanted to go out and have a couple of drinks. He had a huge drinking problem in his college years, had to have his stomach pumped twice. He's 33 now, and he's normally very careful about how much alcohol he has. It's never been a problem in our relationship. Well tonight, he had a third drink within about 90 minutes, and I said maybe he should slow down. He said he was fine. Had a fourth drink and I said I was worried he was overdoing it. He told me to get off his back, because he just lost one of his best friends, and that entitled him to have "a few". Fifth drink and he was becoming rude with the other patrons, stumbling around, and generally pissing people off. I took his arm and said to him, please, let's just go. He pushed me away and roared at me, that he'd go when he was ready. Then picked up a chair and smashed it against the wall. It broke and he went over to it. I thought he'd come to his senses and was going over to pick up the pieces. I started picking them up too and said one more time "Please, let's go home." He turned to me, told me to shut up, and pushed me down to the floor He then picked up one of the chair legs and hit me in the upper arm with it, twice. I screamed and someone came over and tackled him and got him off of me.
I left and went into a hotel. He was tossed out of the bar, but I heard someone at the bar say they were calling him a taxi, so I assume he's at home sleeping it off, and he'll be calling me here shortly. I can't get to sleep. I keep going back and forth with this, on what to do, or say to him. I want to believe it was just the alcohol since he's never done anything even close to this bad before, but I don't know--could it be, or is that a cop-out?
My arm is bruised and swollen, it's throbbing, and I can hardly move it. I haven't gone to the hospital because I don't have insurance. I'm waiting for my doctor's office to open in the morning. I don't think it's broken or anything like that, it's just for documentation, if I end up pressing charges. I feel bad for him, for losing his friend and I know he's hurting. Part of me wants to run back home to him and another part is making me feel absolutely pathetic for even thinking about it.
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Post by MS on Aug 6, 2014 12:13:35 GMT
Hi Evie
I hope you're doing ok given the circumstances. I didn't want to read this and not say anything. I think you are right in going to hotel and now going to see the doctor. You need to put your safety first.
Personally I think it sounds like he has too much to deal with and the way he is trying to deal with it is by taking his hurt and anger out on you which is NOT right. If he does that in a public space then he obviously is out of control. Sure, alcohol makes you do some crazy things sometimes but it is never an excuse for violence. Ever.
Can you call any friends or family to help support you? Please do. You don't have to face this alone. Google DV support and women's groups in your area - there will be something.
I hope you're ok. You can get through this. xx
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 6, 2014 14:05:58 GMT
Hey Evie and welcome here, First, it is very important that you document the abuse and wounds you have. Second- he is NOT 'just having a rough time and just could not help himself. Third: Alcohol has NOTHING to do with it. I would bet my left arm and first born though, that those will be the EXACT things he WILL use as an excuse to make you feel sorry for him, make you feel pity and to talk yourself into minimizing his abuse and violence. I am especially concerned about his ability to break your arm or something worse in the future if you stay longterm with him. He went from shoving and pushing, wrist grabbing to this in not a very long time period. The reason why alcohol and losing a friend are NOT excuses is that TONS of people drink themselves half blind every day, yet most of them do NOT go home and batter their partner. It is especially concerning he would attack you with a weapon - in this case yes, a broken chair wooden stick IS a weapon - in public. This shows you how abusive he really is and what potential he has to cause you serious harm. What if nobody had been around to help you? He probably would have kept going at you and you may have more than 'just' a few bruises and swollen arm. Get your hands on "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft, a fantastic book. I bet my right arm (now I have none left ) that you WILL see he has shown red flags before this incident, even before he first shoved and pushed you. Abusers follow patterns and they slowly introduce more and more violence. They also know when to pause their violence for a while, push your pity buttons and play crocodile tears puppy. This AGAIN takes away the attention from YOU and puts it onto him. He is succeeding in it already before he even talked to you and had a chance to make all sorts of empty promises- which he will do once he slept off the alcohol. he might also claim he 'does not remember' which is a typical abuser strategy. Or pretend he 'wants you to leave him since he is no good but loves you soooo much' The calm periods when they choose to be on best, charming behavior- is called "honeymoon phase'- in the cycle of abuse. Try and get your hands on all sprts of online material about domestic violence. It is hard to make sense of it- being the victim of your own partner is heavily traumatizing. Plus I bet this was probably the first time you have been violently assaulted in public too- so a double punch. I would be very honest with the doctor and tell them the truth. Abusers work in the dark and build their control through toxic shame, false guilt in the victim and lies and cover ups. The second you stay quiet and protect HIM, you betray yourself and enable him to operate further undetected. You can get through this and will be ok- but mostly this is only possible if you go 'no contact' (there is a good article on this website about this) and stand your ground, no matter what he tries. Suicide threats are a favorite among abusers too-so do not be surprised if he pulls one of those off soon. Now would be a great time for him anyways since he will know you feel bad already for him having lost a friend. I understand if you stay. I have been there, I stayed, I went back. I made countless excuses and denied myself to see reality- I let my Ex cry and promise and only to almost lose my life in one night. It is not easy to leave. I encourage you to explore the topic of domestic violence and we are very happy to be here for you along the road- no matter what you do. We understand.
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Post by Evie on Aug 6, 2014 16:15:09 GMT
Hi, this won't be long since I'm having to type one-handed. I had to go to the hospital last night. The pain just became too bad and my upper arm was black and blue and basically immobile. I had an x-Ray and it didn't show a fracture, but the doctor said he's 90% sure I have a bruised humerus bone, which actually is a fracture but a less serious one of the inner bone. I could have had an MRI to find out for sure but I can't afford it. So the doctor said he'd just treat it the same as he would a bruised bone. Sling for a week and then probably a brace to keep from moving too much.. 3 months or so healing time. My job involves a lot of lifting and moving things around, so I can't even work until it's healed. I'm in shock.
I reported my boyfriend and charges are being filed. I didn't know I until I left the hospital, but he has been calling my cell phone all morning. I have 11 voicemails from him which I haven't listened to. I'm really angry at him right now, but he always knows what to say.
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 6, 2014 18:28:46 GMT
Oh no, that is very shocking news for you I bet.
The thing is I can GUARANTEE you he is trying to make you drop the charges.
They are only pretending to be 'sorry' and 'didnt mean it' until they get caught and their victim- in this case you- stands up and involves authorities. My Ex told me when he found out I had pressed charges against him, that he 'was about to propose to me and had the ring and everything blablablabla but got too nervous bla would kill himself now bla"
Then he realized his own babble was not going to change my mind so he asked his parents and his friends to be his allies, made them call me - they were of course scared and thought he would really kill himself. Blabla
That sums up how my Ex reacted
I would not even listen to those voicemails yourself- maybe have a DV shelter or domestic violence advocate do it for you. You can call one of those- either a shelter or a hotline or have a trusted friend or family member listen to them alone or with you.
You are not alone and you do not have to deal with this alone.
We are here!!!
I hope your arm feels better soon...it sounds very painful and sadly abusers often like to hurt their victims in ways that make theme even MORE immobile and dependent and isolated. I honestly would not even be surprised ONE bit if he targeted your arms on purpose- knowing very well you need them to work. Now he can come in, pretend to be the 'hero helper' who supports you while you heal....from HIS abuse!!!!
And boom, you got the cycle of violence and abuse in full swing.
This man sounds very dangerous. Leaving is not easy. But you CAN do it. You might crave his contact or voice at some point- just know we ALL did - and if you push through- change your number, email, block everyone out who seems to be on his side or between you two.....you will live in peace and safety again.
Is there any way you can order "Why does he do that" from Lundy Bancroft either for kindle or paperback to have now while you probably have to stay home and have time to think? Staying busy in your mind can help to deal with no contact.
Keep those voicemails for the police- they might need them. They are most likely a nice mix of threats, crying, begging.....abusers apply all sorts of strategies when they are afraid to lose control over you.
Is the place you are staying at while you heal safe? Maybe even with a trusted family member who is on your side?
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Post by Evie on Aug 6, 2014 19:33:57 GMT
Janine, I'm going to be staying with my aunt now. Not officially my aunt, but she was my mom's best friend since they were kids. My mom passed away from cancer 10 years ago and my aunt's been like a second mom. Anyway he doesn't know where she lives. She's on her way here with her son to pick me and my car up. When they get here, I have to go down to the police station, then I've got a police escort coming later to take me back to my house for my things. My boyfriend is supposed to be arrested today but no word yet.
I still haven't listened to the voicemails. I was given the name and phone number of a shelter but I thought I'd find one closer to my aunt's house and see if I can go and talk to someone. I'm totally lost.
I will definitely order the book you mentioned. I'm going to have plenty of time to read for sure.
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 6, 2014 19:58:45 GMT
Evie, this is a hard time. But please know it is TEMPORARY. I had to run away when my Ex attacked me years ago at age 25. I too had to wait for him to be arrested, then a police officer took me back to our house and I collected my things. He had damaged and thrown around my stuff and it was SO traumatic to go and pick up my things...
It DOES get better. You have to take it day by day, hour by hour.
Maybe you can even go check out some online courses you could do while you are at home, unable to work- if that feels right. There is a ton out there to distract you like 'Coursera' for example. They are for free and you can still get a simple certificate for professional development or simply to stay connected to some education while you are at home. Or even just to read up on a hobby if you like.
I hope you find a shelter closer to your aunt's house and then see if they can get you in for some counseling as soon as possible. During those times when you most likely experience post traumatic stress, it can be a lifeline to have a good counselor. You can use the free time now to maybe google what a good counselor is like- and what a bad one is like. I did that too because I was not willing to end up having a bad counseling experience, again thinking it must be my fault or everyone is crazy.
As for the police taking actions against your ex- do not be surprised if there really is not much they can do. It depends on a lot of things but I advise you to focus on yourself- your own gentle healing- and your own dreams you might have for your future. If that is too much to think about right now, just watch a few movies that make you feel good, talk about it as often as you would like to, or take a break from it and stop talking about it whenever it feels like it. Now is the time to empower yourself.
I can also recommend a great book that can help you detect abusive men early on- called "Jerk Radar" by Steve McCrea. You might see the early dating months in this book that you experienced with him. Abusers are all very much alike- almost as if they went to the same college or something.
It may feel right now like your entire world is shattered and a rug pulled away from under your feet, but you ARE alive and your arm will heal. You will grow resilience and move forward. It is all temporary and nothing is lost. I am so glad he did not shatter your arm completely and caused long-term damage. That is something many women experience and it stays with them for a lifetime.
we are here anytime you need to vent or share- we understand whatever emotions come up. Be it you miss him or contact him, be it the anger, the sadness,- we have been there. It is ok....it will be ok and YOU will be ok!!!!
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Post by Evie on Aug 7, 2014 15:52:02 GMT
Hi Janine, we're on our way to my aunt's. My boyfriend was arrested yesterday afternoon and charged with domestic assault. They said he'll probably be out by the end of the day today. I got most of my things out of the house, but he had broken my laptop and a lot of pictures, tore up some of my clothes, and my mom's ring that she left me is missing. I looked for two hours. The police told me that they can't do anything unless he admits he took it. Not likely. I'm heartbroken. I know I shouldn't dwell on "stuff" and just be grateful that I'm okay and that it wasn't worse. I'm not worried about my clothes, laptop or picture frames. Those are easily replaced. But I only had my mom for 17 years, she didn't have a lot, and that ring and its connection to her meant world to me. Why does he know exactly how to hurt me in the worst way? On the upside, if I'm ever tempted to go back, I will certainly remember this.
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 7, 2014 17:53:26 GMT
Evie, so good to hear from you. I have been thinking about you and hoped the days to come would be as tolerable as they could be.
That said- wow, this hits close to home- my Ex did the EXACT same thing. Smashed my laptops, all of my belongings, tore and cut my clothes...I remember he did NOT find my one favorite item- a stuffed dog I had since I was little- and I remember I had her for some reason stuffed inside a backpack side pocket- and he never found her. No doubt in my mind he had cut it up to pieces had he found her.
The ring is a terrible loss. BUT....like you said- you will NEVER forget that he did this to your stuff. Never. This man is VERY dangerous because what he really wanted to destroy and smash and 'kill' (at least harm) is...you.
That was to me - a huge shock back then when it happened to me.
I was supposed to be those things- since he could not find me, he tore them up.
What a strong statement.
Stay away as far as you can from him- but please know if you do crave his voice, touch, even the relationship, - that it is OK to feel that and very, very normal. It is the nasty side of trauma and traumatic bonding. You KNOW in your intellectual mind this man is insane and dangerous- but can you imagine i went even back to sleep with my Ex weeks after he had cut my stuff up? No. Me neither...looking back after all those years I can only shake my head with compassion and say a big thank you- that he did not kill me the second round he had a chance.
What the police will probably press charges for as well is 'willful damage' for your laptop etc. - my Ex had to pay me back a few thousand for that. It was a tiny drop on the hot stone, but boy did it feel good. After all i felt unless he had killed me, the police really just slapped his hands once and he came out thinking 'nobody can get me- iam invincible"
We are here if you are tempted to contact him. Read those books- Why does he do that/Jerk Radar'\/Invisible Heroes by Belleruth Naparstek...there is a ton out there. I can HIGHLY recommend you "Guided Imagery" audio fikes by Belleruth Naparstek (her website is very easy to google and she is a clinical psychologist who has worked for decades with trauma patients)
Also of course finding a GOOD counselor, could be a great resource right now for you if that is possible. Women's aid or shelters usually offer free counseling if you phone around a bit.
Hang in there. It DOES get better. In my opinion you dodged a VERY dangerous bullet right there. I am so glad you had people who defended you and protected you from him. The weeks/months after leaving can be hard - espeically when you feel alone with your experience and as if everyone expects you to 'just be ok and get over it'
It is OK to not get 'just over it' in fact trauma will guide you how much attention your healing needs by causing depression/anxiety/flashbacks.
There is treatment for those and the wounds do heal.
We are here
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Post by Evie on Aug 8, 2014 21:06:40 GMT
What a great turn this day has taken! I've been in a lot of pain. The swelling in my arm has gone down slightly, but the pain is so bad. Spent last night and this morning in a Percocet coma. When I got out of bed, my Aunt told me that my brother called and was on his way. He got here with, guess what? My mom's ring! He wouldn't tell me exactly what happened, except he said that he didn't pull a gun on, or hurt my boyfriend (much), though he REALLY wanted to. He said he just "strongly suggested" that my boyfriend tell him where the ring was. I was in shock. My boyfriend outweighs my brother by a good 30-40 pounds. But it doesn't matter. I have it back! I'm so damn happy!
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Confused
Aug 8, 2014 23:05:18 GMT
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Post by orange on Aug 8, 2014 23:05:18 GMT
Hi Evie.
I'm sorry about your arm but glad you have the ring back!
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Post by alisay on Aug 8, 2014 23:58:21 GMT
Hi Evie,
I am glad that you got the ring back. I lost my grandmother's wedding band myself (I took it off once at a clinic because they were going to do an MRI and could not find it back) and I was and still are devastated.
Keeping the ring was very dangerous for him since if the police had found it on him it would have been proof that he damaged your things and it would have added the crime of theft to his list. My guess is that he kept it because he knew it was the only object that could have made you contact him, and then he would have had the chance to either convince you or bully you not to press charges or even to go back! Since your brother was the one that went back for the ring and not you, it was of no use for him any longer.
I wonder if he expects now to be congratulated because he gave your precious possession back after he stole it.
I am glad to see that your family is helping and supporting you in these circumstances. It was brave of your brother to go after him. Kuddos for him and your aunt!
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janine
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Post by janine on Aug 9, 2014 13:30:59 GMT
yeah my brother put my Ex into his boundaries too when he unexpectedly showed up and stared him down hahaha, I still remember it felt great. Like- hah, I bet NOW you would not raise your voice and hand against me, wouldn't you, you weak worm. But a woman...yeah a woman is an ok target for you.
I am very glad you got the ring back!!!! It is part of your family history and will remain in it. He could not take that, or the loving memories of your grandma away from you.
Now what I found- as much as I was happy I had people stand up for me etc. I would STLLL miss my Ex at times. If those feelings do come up- regardless of slowly getting yourself back into the saddle of your life- sit with them and try to accept them. They are just that, emotions. They pass through your mind and heart like trains. They come, many are welcomed and happy, like days when you think of things and people you love and who treat you well. And some might be as mean as "but..I miss him." and maybe the occasional "ah, it really was not that bad. I wish I could have closure. Just ONE last phone call. Just ONE last talk. I mean...I must owe this to him and maybe....THIS time I get another ending."
We call that 'repetition compulsion' in therapy- where you create over and over again a situation that has no other outcome but pain and danger. Yet, you recreate it because you are traumatized and in some ways, it is comforting because it is 'what you know'.
On the bright side -those dark trains leave too! It is all temporary. And the longer you go no contact the stronger you grow and the more it settles in that you have survived abuse. You are a survivor and got yourself into a safe place.
I hope your arm feels better soon!!! My Ex once shoved me onto the street during an argument and I smashed my elbow when he did. It hurt for weeks and was blue and purple. It does heal too luckily and in a way...it is a very STRONG daily reminder of HE wanted to do this to me. That is NEVER love. The throbbing pain is mainly a gentle push to keep in conscious mind how dangerous he is and that you did not overreact.
It did happen. He chose to abuse you. You got out.....
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Confused
Aug 9, 2014 16:23:56 GMT
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Post by MS on Aug 9, 2014 16:23:56 GMT
So glad to hear you've got support and he has had the proper and necessary consequences now. I hope you stay safe.
It's hard. I feel terrible at the moment even though I have just got a new flat pretty much sorted, and have told more friends who have all had a the same shocked and disgusted reaction about what has happened.
Time, support and love will get you through. One thing I've always known but had forgotten is that the vast majority of people are wonderful, kind and approach life with love; you need to surround yourself with those people now. People want to help. I've felt like I've not deserved the help and I've felt ashamed but now I've realised that people really do just want to help and cancel out all the nastiness.
Also, the other replies here have been amazing. What thoughtful and strong women you are.
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