Post by MS on Aug 4, 2014 16:43:51 GMT
Hi
I just wanted to share what has happened because I'm trying to work out if my relationship has been a emotionally abusive one. I currently feel scared and lost.
I have been with my partner for three years. To be honest it has always been a tumultuous relationship. I have always been a very insecure person and have had some very difficult relationships in the past that have made it hard for me to trust people. Early on in our relationship I was jealous of the way he flirted with other girls and never really introduced me to people. A huge fight ensued and I promised I would be less insecure and told him everything about my past (I was having CBT at the time). I laid myself bare and open like I never have before in a relationship. After about 6 months we had a huge fight (to be honest I can't remember what it was about now). He was screaming at me in the street and I was defenceless. Afterwards I remember sitting on the pavement crying because he had walked off. A couple came upto me and asked me if I was ok. They said I should just go home and he shouldn't have been shouting at me like that. But I walked back to his house and he was waiting me. He said he knew I'd come back. After that there were always fights about my jealousy and how I needed to change. It was always my fault. We moved in together after being together for less than a year.
Two years ago I decided to train to become a teacher after being stuck in a dead-end job where I was being bullied by one boss. My partner has always been supportive and says how passionate I am about teaching is one of the reasons he loves me. I have definitely made teaching my main priority the last few years. Last year whilst I was training my partner suggested we go on holiday during my half-term holiday but I wasn't sure because I had essays to write. We had a huge argument and he said I needed a break and basically said he would leave if we didn't go. He said I couldn't just work and be stressed all the time.
This leads into the money situation: my partner earns a lot of money and has just been promoted to managing director. I have always said to him I can't afford fancy dinners and holidays but he has always said don't worry I can pay because I want us to do nice things. It has always been an awkward situation to be honest. Last summer I got myself into a lot of credit card debt after my course finished and he lent me the money to pay it back. He went through all of my bank accounts and what I was spending. He often asks to see my accounts and if I'm wearing something new or old he hasn't seen before he asks me when I got it and either makes a joke of me buying everything in the sale (I've always been a thrifty person) or says I shouldn't buy anything because I have no money. He pays for everything and when I offer he says 'you can't afford it.' He buys me lots of gifts which is lovely but I feel bad because my financial situation means I could never give him a gift of the same worth. Often when we're out with friends and the bill comes he makes jokes saying '***** will pay because she's a teacher' or 'it's ok we know you're just a teacher and you're poor'. It's said jokingly but it makes me feel awkward.
I don't know when the name-calling and put downs started really but I've noticed it more in the last year particularly the last 6 months. He often calls me pathetic and says I have to try harder. I learnt to ride a bike last year and it has something that has been really hard for me. He was supportive but put a lot of pressure on me to learn and said I shouldn't care what people think about it. I begged him not tell anyone but one day during a picnic with friends he mentioned 'oh maybe you'll learn' and one friend overheard and asked me if I couldn't ride a bike. When I became panicked and asked why my partner had said that in the first place, my partner leant in and said 'if you don't fucking calm down and stop overreacting then I'm leaving.' He says I'm always unhappy and he has tried to fix me but nothing works. He will often call me stupid or a retard - sometimes nastily and sometimes just in a jokey way. The last 6 months he has become more angry at little things like me leaving something somewhere or being late or when I almost entered for a charity place in the marathon and had to call him to ask him.
My first year of teaching has been tough and I've had a difficult class. My partner has been supportive but he has also told me he can't hear about my stories from school or my moaning because he has too much to deal with at work now and he wants to come home to a calm and relaxing place and that he needs me to help him that way. I said he can always talk to me about work but he says he doesn't want to. I try to support him as much as I can by making dinner, doing the laundry and give him affection when comes home.
I hardly see any of my friends anymore. We always hang out with his friends (most of which are our mutual friends now). He says 'what are you doing this Thursday? we're having dinner with....' When I say no due to work or being tired he calls me boring. When he is tired we stay in. I have been so busy with work I have been too busy and tired to see many friends or travel to see them. He tells me I should see my friends more but has also bad-mouthed my friends too calling some of them crazy or bitches for not including me. When I make plans he often tries to get me to come and meet him and his friends afterwards. Talking to my parents about all of this, they've said they noticed me becoming more isolated in the last few months. He has also called my family weird and said he finds it hard to talk to my parents. My parents are lovely people but rather quiet and reserved.
I back down in every fight whether it's a fight about our relationship or a debate about something because he always pushes and twists everything. He is always right and I am always wrong or it is my fault. There have been times where he has apologised for things and so I've always thought that he does know when things get out of hand.
In the last few months the anger has become more of an occurrence. He got angry when at 7am once morning the hair straighteners he bought me broke. 'How did you break them? Oh I know you left them on the floor like everything fucking else.' He said. I did say defensively 'No I have been really careful with them but I'm angry they've broken after two weeks because they were expensive. You should get your money back.' He shouted at me for shouting in the morning when he was tired. Me being messy has been a major issue. I try very hard to keep our room tidy but after working 12 hour days and working in the evening too, I sometimes don't have the time to put the clothes away. I've put his recent stress down to work because I know he's under so much pressure at the moment.
So on the last day of term a few weeks ago I was so happy I qualified as a teacher fully and making so many plans. I had bought a card for him to say thank you for supporting me in reaching my dream and that hopefully I would be less stressed and be better organised at school and at home. I just knew I would be better. I wanted to be a better girlfriend. He said he'd come home and we would celebrate together that evening. We were flying to Greece the next day to spend a week with his parents. He then called to say we couldn't have any check-in luggage. I got really upset because I'd packed and had bought lots of suncream (I'm very fair). He said I was overreacting and fair enough I was because I get panicky about packing and have to be organised. He text me and said I'd rather not come and deal with all your shit. By the next day it was fine and off we went on holiday.
Everything was ok until half-way through. One night we were out for dinner with his parents and their friends we were staying with. The previous night one of the family friends had made me feel awkward at dinner about what I ordered but the general consensus is that she's generally not very nice so it was fine. That night his mum kept saying let's just get vegetables to eat. I am a very indecisive person (something that has increased recently) and I felt embarrassed about what I was choosing again so when the waiter came everyone looked at me and '**** what are you having?' When I got flustered my partner whispered angrily into my ear 'If you don't decide soon I'm going to take you down to that pier and fucking drown you.' I was shocked and upset. He has threatened to leave me, jokingly said I'll beat you before and shouted at me before but this was sinister. I hardly spoke to anyone for the rest of the evening. The next day at the beach I was hardly talking at all. I asked him to go for a swim and I said 'What you said to me last night has really upset me.' He replied 'Well you better carry on being upset then' and swam off. He didn't really talk to me properly for a few days and then it got a bit better for the last few days and I thought everything might be ok.
After he said that to me, later that night I googled 'boyfriend threatened me'. It came up with something about verbal abuse and I recognised quite a few of the signs in our relationship. I spent the rest of the holiday reading about it and I did start checking for other places to live if I moved out. By the end of the holiday I was telling myself that maybe it would be ok. I was wrong. On the Monday we got back and went for dinner with his parents and our housemates (another couple). Whilst we were getting ready he said 'Look at this room. Fucking tip as always. It better be tidy tomorrow or I'll start burning things.' and started muttering 'I hate this fucking life.' under his breath but loud enough for me to hear. Whilst we were at dinner I was trying so hard not to cry and act normally.
The next day I tidied our room and entertained his parents before they left to go back to New Zealand. When he got home he was obviously still angry with me. He invited my two housemates for a bike ride (the guys both do road cycling and the other girl has just got a road bike too but I don't want to get one just yet because I'm a cycling newbie). I knew it was over. I left to go for a run and tried calling my mum but no-one as answering the phone at home. I thought they'd gone to the pub quiz early. My brother then called me and said mum couldn't talk but what was wrong. I didn't tell him. He then told me my dad was in hospital and had been since Monday. I was floored. I returned home a crying mess and ran upstairs. I text my partner to say what had happened and I was upstairs and very upset. He came up and tentatively put his arm around me. I told him. I then said 'I feel so alone. This has happened and you're not talking to me.' He then said: I feel so fucking alone all the time. I'm so unhappy. All I've asked is one thing for you to keep things tidy so I have somewhere peaceful to come home to. I am so stressed with work and all I do is come home to you and you're moaning and stressed about work. Two years I've been asking you and nothing has changed. Our whole relationship is going nowhere and in three years all that has changed is that we live together (I said I disagreed). Every month there's always something: you're jealous of this person or upset about that. I've tried to help you I've tried to make you happy but you're always so unhappy. I've given you everything, bought dinners, holidays and you've never shown me you care. (I tried to say I'd never asked for anything and that I'd try to pay my way but he said you don't have the 30 grand I've spent on you). He then went on to say he can't stand that I can't be tidy or make decisions - that I shouldn't ask him what he wants for dinner every time and just make a decision for myself for once (even though he gets angry or disappointed when it is something he doesn't actually want). He said there are so many things he loves about me but so many things he dislikes. He said he worries about me and how I cope with life because I'm so incapable I can't even cross the road without getting panicked. He said he couldn't believe I went travelling by myself because how could I ever survive on my own. He said how could we have children together when I can't even keep a room tidy? He said he was unhappy and he couldn't see how things would change. I kept saying I was going to get organised this summer and I was trying really hard to keep things tidy. He picked up my shorts from the floor and threw them on me and said that I'm not. He did get upset and cried and said I just don't see any other option. He tried to hug me but I left and went for a walk. When I got back he was drinking with our housemate (they work together) and talking as if nothing had happened. Later I heard them say 'oh well it;ll only be an extra 45 pounds a month each now' and 'oh shit have you booked the flights for our wedding? no, good'. I felt as if I was worthless to them.
I left the next day to come back and see my dad in hospital. I'm still at my parents now. He has text me twice to say he does't want to throw the last three years away but something has to change and he wants to talk together to decide what to do but if I'm done then ok. I have not replied to these texts, just the one when he asked how my dad was doing.
Right now I feel completely confused, scared lost and alone. I don't want to paint him as a monster or for people to think I'm playing a victim. The more I've read online and spoken to a few friends and my family, the more I have realised what I thought was normal perhaps wasn't. I know I need to leave but I don't know what to do now. I feel guilty about being a distant friend. I feel like I don't deserve any support right now. I feel that perhaps I was just a really bad girlfriend and that coupled with our work caused this and I've just blown everything out of proportion. I feel so desperately sad tat someone I love so much and thought would be forever could hate me so much.
I am so sorry this is long and probably too much information. I don't know what I need really, I don't know if I want someone to say this is abuse or not. I just felt I needed to get it out to someone who doesn't know me.
I just wanted to share what has happened because I'm trying to work out if my relationship has been a emotionally abusive one. I currently feel scared and lost.
I have been with my partner for three years. To be honest it has always been a tumultuous relationship. I have always been a very insecure person and have had some very difficult relationships in the past that have made it hard for me to trust people. Early on in our relationship I was jealous of the way he flirted with other girls and never really introduced me to people. A huge fight ensued and I promised I would be less insecure and told him everything about my past (I was having CBT at the time). I laid myself bare and open like I never have before in a relationship. After about 6 months we had a huge fight (to be honest I can't remember what it was about now). He was screaming at me in the street and I was defenceless. Afterwards I remember sitting on the pavement crying because he had walked off. A couple came upto me and asked me if I was ok. They said I should just go home and he shouldn't have been shouting at me like that. But I walked back to his house and he was waiting me. He said he knew I'd come back. After that there were always fights about my jealousy and how I needed to change. It was always my fault. We moved in together after being together for less than a year.
Two years ago I decided to train to become a teacher after being stuck in a dead-end job where I was being bullied by one boss. My partner has always been supportive and says how passionate I am about teaching is one of the reasons he loves me. I have definitely made teaching my main priority the last few years. Last year whilst I was training my partner suggested we go on holiday during my half-term holiday but I wasn't sure because I had essays to write. We had a huge argument and he said I needed a break and basically said he would leave if we didn't go. He said I couldn't just work and be stressed all the time.
This leads into the money situation: my partner earns a lot of money and has just been promoted to managing director. I have always said to him I can't afford fancy dinners and holidays but he has always said don't worry I can pay because I want us to do nice things. It has always been an awkward situation to be honest. Last summer I got myself into a lot of credit card debt after my course finished and he lent me the money to pay it back. He went through all of my bank accounts and what I was spending. He often asks to see my accounts and if I'm wearing something new or old he hasn't seen before he asks me when I got it and either makes a joke of me buying everything in the sale (I've always been a thrifty person) or says I shouldn't buy anything because I have no money. He pays for everything and when I offer he says 'you can't afford it.' He buys me lots of gifts which is lovely but I feel bad because my financial situation means I could never give him a gift of the same worth. Often when we're out with friends and the bill comes he makes jokes saying '***** will pay because she's a teacher' or 'it's ok we know you're just a teacher and you're poor'. It's said jokingly but it makes me feel awkward.
I don't know when the name-calling and put downs started really but I've noticed it more in the last year particularly the last 6 months. He often calls me pathetic and says I have to try harder. I learnt to ride a bike last year and it has something that has been really hard for me. He was supportive but put a lot of pressure on me to learn and said I shouldn't care what people think about it. I begged him not tell anyone but one day during a picnic with friends he mentioned 'oh maybe you'll learn' and one friend overheard and asked me if I couldn't ride a bike. When I became panicked and asked why my partner had said that in the first place, my partner leant in and said 'if you don't fucking calm down and stop overreacting then I'm leaving.' He says I'm always unhappy and he has tried to fix me but nothing works. He will often call me stupid or a retard - sometimes nastily and sometimes just in a jokey way. The last 6 months he has become more angry at little things like me leaving something somewhere or being late or when I almost entered for a charity place in the marathon and had to call him to ask him.
My first year of teaching has been tough and I've had a difficult class. My partner has been supportive but he has also told me he can't hear about my stories from school or my moaning because he has too much to deal with at work now and he wants to come home to a calm and relaxing place and that he needs me to help him that way. I said he can always talk to me about work but he says he doesn't want to. I try to support him as much as I can by making dinner, doing the laundry and give him affection when comes home.
I hardly see any of my friends anymore. We always hang out with his friends (most of which are our mutual friends now). He says 'what are you doing this Thursday? we're having dinner with....' When I say no due to work or being tired he calls me boring. When he is tired we stay in. I have been so busy with work I have been too busy and tired to see many friends or travel to see them. He tells me I should see my friends more but has also bad-mouthed my friends too calling some of them crazy or bitches for not including me. When I make plans he often tries to get me to come and meet him and his friends afterwards. Talking to my parents about all of this, they've said they noticed me becoming more isolated in the last few months. He has also called my family weird and said he finds it hard to talk to my parents. My parents are lovely people but rather quiet and reserved.
I back down in every fight whether it's a fight about our relationship or a debate about something because he always pushes and twists everything. He is always right and I am always wrong or it is my fault. There have been times where he has apologised for things and so I've always thought that he does know when things get out of hand.
In the last few months the anger has become more of an occurrence. He got angry when at 7am once morning the hair straighteners he bought me broke. 'How did you break them? Oh I know you left them on the floor like everything fucking else.' He said. I did say defensively 'No I have been really careful with them but I'm angry they've broken after two weeks because they were expensive. You should get your money back.' He shouted at me for shouting in the morning when he was tired. Me being messy has been a major issue. I try very hard to keep our room tidy but after working 12 hour days and working in the evening too, I sometimes don't have the time to put the clothes away. I've put his recent stress down to work because I know he's under so much pressure at the moment.
So on the last day of term a few weeks ago I was so happy I qualified as a teacher fully and making so many plans. I had bought a card for him to say thank you for supporting me in reaching my dream and that hopefully I would be less stressed and be better organised at school and at home. I just knew I would be better. I wanted to be a better girlfriend. He said he'd come home and we would celebrate together that evening. We were flying to Greece the next day to spend a week with his parents. He then called to say we couldn't have any check-in luggage. I got really upset because I'd packed and had bought lots of suncream (I'm very fair). He said I was overreacting and fair enough I was because I get panicky about packing and have to be organised. He text me and said I'd rather not come and deal with all your shit. By the next day it was fine and off we went on holiday.
Everything was ok until half-way through. One night we were out for dinner with his parents and their friends we were staying with. The previous night one of the family friends had made me feel awkward at dinner about what I ordered but the general consensus is that she's generally not very nice so it was fine. That night his mum kept saying let's just get vegetables to eat. I am a very indecisive person (something that has increased recently) and I felt embarrassed about what I was choosing again so when the waiter came everyone looked at me and '**** what are you having?' When I got flustered my partner whispered angrily into my ear 'If you don't decide soon I'm going to take you down to that pier and fucking drown you.' I was shocked and upset. He has threatened to leave me, jokingly said I'll beat you before and shouted at me before but this was sinister. I hardly spoke to anyone for the rest of the evening. The next day at the beach I was hardly talking at all. I asked him to go for a swim and I said 'What you said to me last night has really upset me.' He replied 'Well you better carry on being upset then' and swam off. He didn't really talk to me properly for a few days and then it got a bit better for the last few days and I thought everything might be ok.
After he said that to me, later that night I googled 'boyfriend threatened me'. It came up with something about verbal abuse and I recognised quite a few of the signs in our relationship. I spent the rest of the holiday reading about it and I did start checking for other places to live if I moved out. By the end of the holiday I was telling myself that maybe it would be ok. I was wrong. On the Monday we got back and went for dinner with his parents and our housemates (another couple). Whilst we were getting ready he said 'Look at this room. Fucking tip as always. It better be tidy tomorrow or I'll start burning things.' and started muttering 'I hate this fucking life.' under his breath but loud enough for me to hear. Whilst we were at dinner I was trying so hard not to cry and act normally.
The next day I tidied our room and entertained his parents before they left to go back to New Zealand. When he got home he was obviously still angry with me. He invited my two housemates for a bike ride (the guys both do road cycling and the other girl has just got a road bike too but I don't want to get one just yet because I'm a cycling newbie). I knew it was over. I left to go for a run and tried calling my mum but no-one as answering the phone at home. I thought they'd gone to the pub quiz early. My brother then called me and said mum couldn't talk but what was wrong. I didn't tell him. He then told me my dad was in hospital and had been since Monday. I was floored. I returned home a crying mess and ran upstairs. I text my partner to say what had happened and I was upstairs and very upset. He came up and tentatively put his arm around me. I told him. I then said 'I feel so alone. This has happened and you're not talking to me.' He then said: I feel so fucking alone all the time. I'm so unhappy. All I've asked is one thing for you to keep things tidy so I have somewhere peaceful to come home to. I am so stressed with work and all I do is come home to you and you're moaning and stressed about work. Two years I've been asking you and nothing has changed. Our whole relationship is going nowhere and in three years all that has changed is that we live together (I said I disagreed). Every month there's always something: you're jealous of this person or upset about that. I've tried to help you I've tried to make you happy but you're always so unhappy. I've given you everything, bought dinners, holidays and you've never shown me you care. (I tried to say I'd never asked for anything and that I'd try to pay my way but he said you don't have the 30 grand I've spent on you). He then went on to say he can't stand that I can't be tidy or make decisions - that I shouldn't ask him what he wants for dinner every time and just make a decision for myself for once (even though he gets angry or disappointed when it is something he doesn't actually want). He said there are so many things he loves about me but so many things he dislikes. He said he worries about me and how I cope with life because I'm so incapable I can't even cross the road without getting panicked. He said he couldn't believe I went travelling by myself because how could I ever survive on my own. He said how could we have children together when I can't even keep a room tidy? He said he was unhappy and he couldn't see how things would change. I kept saying I was going to get organised this summer and I was trying really hard to keep things tidy. He picked up my shorts from the floor and threw them on me and said that I'm not. He did get upset and cried and said I just don't see any other option. He tried to hug me but I left and went for a walk. When I got back he was drinking with our housemate (they work together) and talking as if nothing had happened. Later I heard them say 'oh well it;ll only be an extra 45 pounds a month each now' and 'oh shit have you booked the flights for our wedding? no, good'. I felt as if I was worthless to them.
I left the next day to come back and see my dad in hospital. I'm still at my parents now. He has text me twice to say he does't want to throw the last three years away but something has to change and he wants to talk together to decide what to do but if I'm done then ok. I have not replied to these texts, just the one when he asked how my dad was doing.
Right now I feel completely confused, scared lost and alone. I don't want to paint him as a monster or for people to think I'm playing a victim. The more I've read online and spoken to a few friends and my family, the more I have realised what I thought was normal perhaps wasn't. I know I need to leave but I don't know what to do now. I feel guilty about being a distant friend. I feel like I don't deserve any support right now. I feel that perhaps I was just a really bad girlfriend and that coupled with our work caused this and I've just blown everything out of proportion. I feel so desperately sad tat someone I love so much and thought would be forever could hate me so much.
I am so sorry this is long and probably too much information. I don't know what I need really, I don't know if I want someone to say this is abuse or not. I just felt I needed to get it out to someone who doesn't know me.
