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Post by alisay on Aug 5, 2014 9:54:44 GMT
Hi mel,
It is normal to feel weak and lonely and miss any form of affection, even the cold and selfish affection that he was giving you. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Ending any relationship, even dysfunctional ones, is always hard.
When I was still with my ex, towards the last months of our relationship I remember one day looking at what my life was going to be, year after year, growing old with a person by my side that did not respect me or cared for my feelings, without love and without hope of anything better, and I cried.
He left me. I was too weak to do it myself. It is the best present he ever gave me.
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mel
Member
Posts: 12
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Post by mel on Aug 5, 2014 10:40:18 GMT
He's actually to be this morning via text that I never think of his feelings. That's not true! So why do I question if it is. I KNOW it's not.
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Post by alisay on Aug 5, 2014 11:00:04 GMT
Abusers twist things so that it is always other people's fault, never theirs. They do whatever they want, but if you ask for something, you are being selfish. They insult you, hurt you, ignore you and as soon as you so much as raise and eyebrow they start with the accusations.
Look at it like a bad theatre play or TV movie. See how ridiculous it is, how cheesy and contrived is this dialog. Laugh at it if you can.
And resign yourself that no amount of love will make any difference. You cannot change the way they think because their brains are set in selfish more and frozen that way. To try to stop them is like trying to stop the tide: pointless and dangerous.
Tell yourself that you deserve better and stop communicating with him. It is really not worth it.
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janine
Member
Admin
Posts: 1,185
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Post by janine on Aug 5, 2014 14:03:31 GMT
Hey mel, alisay is right, the only way to stop being a victim of an abuser is to stop ALL channels of communications.
And you are not a stalker or crazy. It is the abuse that makes you go on a rollercoaster of emotions. I am a highly educated university lecturer, come from an upper middle class background, went to good schools, have very good jobs- consider myself intelligent, well-read and have tons of friends and an outgoing personality- with my coworkers and friends describing me as 'rational, calm, down to earth, very analytic'
Now I am telling you this because I DID stalk my ex, I did crazy stuff like one day throwing away my SIM card with all my numbers so I could not contact him. The next day I would go crazy and crave his voice, cry to my friends and say how 'him and I were soooo good together and I miss him' (you picture the look on the face of my friends....) And I ended up going back to meet up with him to have sex a few times even.
Luckily my inner caretaker woke up around that time and gently pushed me away- it took me a few months to REALLY go NO CONTACT at all, but I did. Years later I only think of what happened as a life lesson, a hard one, but a lesson. I learned, I moved on.
I am the person now my friends and coworkers think I am- and who I really am and want to be.
You can do this. Do not be ashamed of those urges to write- I remember I thought "this is how a cocaine addict must feel after rehab, getting the first hit again"-- when I heard my Exe's voice after having left him for a few weeks.
In a way i think this addiction to a sick person is the way the brain wants to 'make sense' of it. Having 'one last talk' is something many women often go back for. It never is just that one talk. An abuser wants control, one way or the other.
If you do write him- or whatever you do, start by forgiving YOURSELF first. Give yourself permission to be.
Have you looked more into finding a good counselor yet? You also mentioned a 10 year old daughter. Now might be a good time for HER as well to get the extra attention and care she deserves - that is often neglected when an abuser lives in the house. There is free counseling for children in most cities if you yourself cannot financially afford it.
Please think of her as well, she has only you to do that and needs you. Helping her and going maybe together to therapy might also help you to heal.
Let us know what your research on more supporting tools came up with and what options you think feel right and comfortable- by that I mean counseling or group therapy etc. maybe a book we recommended. Healing comes with time, but also with the active dedication that even when days SUCK and you want to crawl into a corner and just feel like missing him, you are still an invisible hero and get back up on the saddle - grab those days by the horns and do something to pamper yourself and pay attention to yoruself.
we are here no matter what you do or don't do.
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